Nephew Who Has No Manners And/or Disapline!! & a Mother That Doesnt Care!!

I'd spend more time with the 10-year-old, give him lots of love and positive attention. It appears by his actions he is in need of both. Try to redirect his behavior and energy (for example, tell him how fun it would be to stack the chairs in sets of two and then see who can crawl through the sets the fastest... or set the chairs in a circle and play musical chairs). Burn off his energy, need for attention and save everyones frustration. The child is probably a product of a mother unable to set limits and boundaries. Are you able to change her? Doubt it, somethings are left better in the hands of professionals and/or family. Can you change the atmosphere when her son is around you and your children, perhaps ...

J.,

I think you need to let your husband deal with it. It is his family. His siblings and maybe even parents look at you as the outsider trying to boss them around. It is kind of like me being able to point out flaws in my kids but no one else can say anything negative about them. I would have your husband talk to his parents and let them know that if they want to see your kids (their grandkids) it will have to just be them, you, and your kids.

You have the right to expect your kids to be safe emotionally and physically. You should be able to protect your kids from this. This boy is a bad example to them. Your in-laws are adults and they can make their own decisions your kids can't.

It sounds to me that your nephew has something wrong with him. More than just behavioral issues. He sounds like he has psychiatric issues and needs help. I don't think it is normal for a 10 year old to crawl around on the floor of a restaurant under the table. This sounds more like a naughty pre-schooler. There is nothing you can do about that though. You sister in-law sounds like she has her head stuck in the sand. I would not deal with her at all.

Good luck.

You know maybe she knows her kid is out of control. Maybe she tried to curtail it but she allowed it so long that he listens to her just as much as he listens to all of you guys. Maybe when you bring light of it to her, in front of the rest of the family, she gets angry with you cause she looks a fool and knows she can't do a thing about it. I'm not saying this is right but I have a sibling who is in this situation. Everyone complains at her and she gets a a holy than thou attitude. Cause really she is embarassed and doesnt' want to admit it. She typically blames it on the person that brought the childs attitude to light.

There is nothing you can do. She's made it very clear, cause she didn't talk to you for 3 months, that your opinion matters not and your sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. I think you did the right thing by leaving the room with your children! Now grandad should have just gotten up as well that way he wouldn't have gotten injured. This child is just a unruly brat and will pry only get more so. Only person who could potentially stop it is the mom and she seems to have no desire to do so for whatever reason. I wouldn't bother saying anything else. When you did it had an ill effect and didn't seem to make a bit of a difference. I would pry talk with the rest of the family without her and the child present if possible. Also, I would make sure the child wasn't around when I visited the grandparents. He'll only show your children bad behavior and cause you a headache.

We get the monsters we make. Your sister in law is in for a very rude awakening, and it looks like there is little more you can do about it besides stay out of the way. I would only visit the grandparents when she and her son were not there. If you must be in the same place with them, make it an outdoor location (more space to let him run wild and keep your kids happy yet separate), stay briefly, then leave. Others are allowing this behavior as well, so distancing yourself and your kids will help put pressure on the rest of the family to speak up. I recommend "What the Bible Says About Child Training" by Fugate as an encouragement for yourself, and if you ever get the opportunity to give a copy to your sister in law, do it. My brother's first was a wild child too, and after much prayer I gave he and his wife a copy. At first I was ignored, even sneered at, but when other people started complaining about my nephew's behavior, they read it, had a change of heart and began systematically training him toward better behavior. They started when he was four, and now, at 12, he still has issues, but at least we can all tolerate him and he does much better in school. He can develop and reasonably maintain relationships with family and friends - something he would not have been able to do if they had not finally intervened. Your relatives need prayer and compassion, too. Anyone angry enough to ignore glaring problems with their own children must in a very bad place personally. As much as it pains us to watch, we should take time to give thanks that our own families are fairing well.

SAHM of seven

Hi J.,
Oh do I sypathize with you!!!!!!!! There is nothing worse than trying to visit with your parents and try to have a pleasanst time and then have a brat running around causing a rukus with everything he touches. The real problem is his MOTHER. She needs some real guidance on how to be not only a parent, but a good parent. One that will dicipline with tough love. That little boy is totally in charge. I do believe she has given him free rein.
I think a really good resouce for you would be to contact FOCUS ON THE FAMILY. It is based out of Denver, I think. Dr James Dobson has written many books on this subject. You can find many of his books at the county library, I'm sure, as well as Dr Kevin Lehman. I would actually go online and contact Dr Dobson's office. I know that he could direct you to the proper information. Especially since it's not just about this boy, you have to get to the source--his MOM. If she chooses not to make any changes, she will always have what she has right now and WORSE as he grows up. CAHRLES, IN CHARGE!!!!
I hope that your family can resolve this situation very soon.

Best wishes to you,
T.

Tough situation. Yeah - I think I'd let your hubby deal with them - afterall, it's his family. That's always been our deal. I deal with mine, he deals with his. I'd express my concerns for sure - my husband always listens to my opinion and deals with it in his own diplomatic way. He knows his sisters. I think also - you did the right thing just going in the other room. Yes - because of the differences in how we raise our children - we visit less too. That woman needs do deal with her son though before it's too late! 10 is nearly too late anyway, which makes it all the more difficult, but for his own good - she NEEDs to address his issues. Maybe there's some "nice" way for your hubby to talk to her man or to her? OR - even his parents! Why do they let that child run rampant in their house? I don't know about other people, but we do have "house rules" that any visitor is expected to follow too - and we usually make it clear to the parent too. Good luck, hope everything turns out.

I wanted to add - I agree with that "unpopular" one :-) We actually don't visit with my family much anymore. We, as a couple, don't have much in common with most of them. We have chosen to raise our family in a more healthy manner than my relatives have chosen to raise theirs. Sounds harsh, but hey - OUR family comes first.

One more thing - I also have found that because I don't have a lot in common with my own Mom, I actually schedule a Grandma day like once a month. We DO all like to read - so our new Grandma day is going to be a visit to the library. Just Grandma, me, and our two children. I like the idea from another poster - get some grandparents time in just for your children :-)

I know this will be unpopular - but why visit them at all? It doesn't sound like there are any good relationships here or good outcomes. There is a difference between not visiting and severing relationships. Your sister in law will be mad, but let her know that you will visit her when she has established rules for her son. You've got a lovely life and have the right to do what ever you like as pertains to this family. Take charge of it and don't show up the next time you are invited. You and your kids are not obligated - regardless of what society says.

I agree with Lisa S, it seems like there is more to this than your nephew just being unruly. Unfortunatley, his mother seems unable to deal with the situation and is possibly embarrased or in denial about the whole thing. (I think you said the mom leaves when things get ugly AND leaves her kid there for the night! So she doesn't have to deal with him?) I feel that it should be your husband who brings this up with either his sister or his parents. If his sister won't listen, maybe by telling his parents that his kids will not be visiting when the nephew is around (and therefore not very often) they might take a stand and help your sister-in-law find help for the poor kid and possibly herself. I wonder how your nephew's behavior is at school or with friends? Is it only at your inlaw's that he acts up? Is he jealous of having to share the grandparents? If so, maybe they could have a talk with him and let him know how special his is and that he doesn't have to act out to get attention. If he has trouble at school and in social situations, maybe it's a medical thing that he can't help and medication and/or therapy could help. Your husband could mention all this to his sister, if she would listen. If your other sister-in-law is in the same situation as you, maybe you both could keep your kids away for a while (with the husbands explaining this to their parents) and let the grandparents realize that it is a problem. Best of luck with a tough situation.

S. W

I am sorry to tell you that I don't think it will get any better unless his mother wants to change. I have three nephews and it is the same way. They spend a ton more time with my in laws and the problem is that grandma and grandpa are tired and don't want to discipline them like they need since they are the grandparents and their own parents theaten, but don't follow through. The boys know that they will get away with it. When we go over I do speak up and they know that they don't get away with things when my husband or I are there. It doesn't sound like talking to your sister in law would help. Have you talked to your mother in law about how you are feeling? Maybe before you visit mention that your kids have really missed them and ask if they could have some quality time together. We set aside special time with grandma and grandpa. The other times we visit my kids see what goes on and we talk about how that behavior is not acceptable in our house. I have learned that in my case things aren't going to change, so I can change how we go about things.

Dealing with in-laws can be tough...especially when it sounds like one of them is not being respectful. I am not sure if this sister in law lives closure to your in laws, but perhaps see if you can plan your next visit when she and her son will not be around. Another choice would be to talk to her. Make sure you do not use this talk as a time to just complain about her child as that will likely just make the situation worse.

Good luck!

I feel for you. It's hard watching kids with no discipline act up. And your sister-in-law obviously gets defensive about it. Maybe because she knows its true - that she doesn't have any control over him. What do your parents-in-law think about him & her? Do they agree with you? Do they think there is no problem? I think they need to get involved. I'm sorry - I don't have much advice. But you probably need to talk to your sis-in-law. It's going to be hard, but just tell her your concerns. Good luck.

You need to keep your disatnce from this sister-in-law and nephew. Do not go to you Ftaher and Mother_in-law's house when the she is there. Just stay away. If anyone asks, just let them know that you have tried everything you can think of to resolve the issues wuith your destructive nephew, and nothing has worked, and that you simply do not want your children to be around destructive, ill mannered children. This is your right. Stand up for yourself and your children. Also, the fact that your husband has not already taken care of this issue is a little unsettling.

It could be that he is a very "spirited" child who is a real handful to parent, and the Mom is burned out and sort of given up in exhaustion. Some kids don't respond to discipline like most do, and unless you have had one I don't think you can fully understand just how hard it is to try to keep them in line. Maybe the grandparents know this and are trying to help.

yeah there is pry not a whole lot your gonna be able to do because if the mothers acts that way and cant be reasonable and talk like an adult with you about it....her child is pry going to be the same way....she has no discipline herself so why should she expect her child to and maybe she does wanna change his behavior and is just really embarrassed when he acts out...and doesn't know what to do with him but get mad at everyone else for his problems...maybe just you and her could sit and talk and find out if there is something you two could do to improve his behavior...maybe she just needs help.

Why are you putting yourself in this position? I would totally shut them out of my life until the nephew learns to behave or leaves home!! Invite your in-laws to visit you thus allowing your children to have personal contact with their grandparents. You don't have to put up with his naughty actions and talk. Maybe you can talk to your sister/brother on the phone, just not meet them at a restaurant. Be truthful with them and tell them you cannot allow your children to be around someone who is disrespectful. You will lose the friendship for a while, but I think that sooner or later, they will realize what a "holy terror" their son can be. Explain to Grandmom and Grandpops what your actions are and why you need to control the things you children might pick up. They are too young to see this type of action.

Wow! Sounds like you have a youngster on your hands who's addicted to negative attention. Talk to a child psychologist who can give you advice on how to proactively approach this situation.

Your nephew sounds very much like what my ex-stepfather's behavior would have been like as a child, he was a grown-up spoiled brat who threw temper-tantrums as well as objects. His mother believed he could do no wrong growing up, and that he did no wrong as an adult either, yet he lied, cheated, destroyed people and things constantly (and still does). I guarantee you don't want this to happen to your nephew... for your family's sake, as well as his. If his behavior continues uncorrected, he will not be able to hold down a job, he may never have any true friends, and he may even become a pathological liar in order to excuse/deny his innapropriate behavior in his own mind.

First and foremost, stand your ground and protect your kids and your family. His mother obviously has issues of her own if she doesn't care enough to discipline him for his innapropriate behavior. This could be a case of serious neglect... and you may eventually need to get the professionals involved... be prepared to do so if the time comes. An out-of-control child leads to an out-of-control adult if nothing is done to intervene in their discipline while they are still teachable.

Most importantly... if you are a woman of Faith, pray. I will do the same on your behalf.