Fears of Mine

You need to get a job.
You need to go to the welfare office and see what you can get in way of financial help.
You need to get your resume dusted off and get it out there.
You need to see if you qualify for emergency housing.

I would NOT get a one bedroom apartment. People need their privacy.

Stop with worrying about your dating future. Focus on you and your kids right now. Your kids will pick up on your fears. However, you can talk with them and tell them that you're scared - this is a huge change for all of you. YOU WILL MAKE IT...you WILL take care of them. Say NOTHING bad, nasty or mean about their dad. EVER. No matter how much you want to - don't. that's not a burden for them to carry.

Kids will work through the change if YOU don't panic. You panic? They panic. BREATHE!!!

Yes. there is hope! I divorced my ex-husband while we were living in Germany. I was scared to death. But I did it. I got my own apartment. I already had a job - that I lost because it was for "dependent spouses" but got another one right away and was able to pay my rent and such. YOU CAN DO THIS. You just have to make sure your ducks are in a row and get 'er done!!

NEVER GIVE UP!! NEVER SURRENDER!!

Your 4 yo will accept the change if you don't make a fuss over it. Kids are usually more flexible than adults think they are.

My daughter recently had a baby after a long and difficult pregnancy. Her newly 5 yo seemed more angry than I thought was healthy. I asked our family counselor if she could recommend a play therapist for her. As we talked, I realized I was the one who needed help in accepting this difficult situation. I was angry over the situation and my inability to feel supported with my concerns for the health of my daughter.

After the couselor and I talked, I started working thru my feelings and realized I needed help; not my granddaughter. She actually adjusted quicker than I did.

BTW you can ask for help from the moderator to get back into your previous account.

Of course you can put a bed in living room for you. Makes total sense. You'll be up later than your kids. You will have more control over your space than you would have sharing a room. Go for it!

I would not sleep in living room on the couch. With a bed, I would.

Because you are your children's mother, living in a one bedroom apartment is OK. The rule that Gamma is talking about is applied only to foster care parents, those who are being supervised by the state.

if I were you I'd talk to a womens shelter so you can find a counselor to help you work through your fears.
Your kids will be fine.
They are at an age where they won't even remember their former life for very long.
They'll love sleeping with you in one room or even in one bed.
You're scared - anyone would be - but you forge ahead and do your best - and you'll eventually be alright.
Totally put out of your mind what your ex is doing.
His being with someone is no guarantee he'll be happy - and this is not a contest to see who can move on faster than the other guy.
Concentrate on getting a job and taking care of your kids.
Finding a job with the school your kids will be in is an excellent idea.
I have every confidence that you will overcome your difficulties and you are going to survive this.
Kids are resilient - they'll be fine!

A good job to have would be a low paying one at your child's (future) school. Once there. you may be able to find a stay-at-home mom to babysit your youngest.

If not, look for an older church lady to help you out with child care. It will be cheaper and also she is less likely to have a cut off time of 6 pm.

As for the bedroom--actually YOU need the better night's sleep than the kids will. Your spine health will deteriorate sleeping on a sofa nightly. I know that from personal experience. Get a king size bed and ALL of you sleep together for now.

Good luck. Yes, I understand your fears.

This is going to be a hard time. You need to go through child support enforcement. They will take your child support from his check before he gets paid and they'll garnish his income tax before he gets any return on money he made. His child support should not be anything you are depending on for income. You need to make enough to pay all your bills.

One thing. Please, please do not do this one bedroom apartment. If he decides to report you for not having enough bedrooms for you and the girls to have bedrooms for privacy he might end up getting them full time since you can't provide for them.

I know you don't want to hear that but you have to have a room and the girls need a room according to HUD regulations. All he has to do is report you and the state "might" come in to investigate, see the situation, then take them.

It will be nearly impossible for you to get them back.

I know you are trying to do the best you can but please try and get them to bump you up to a 2 bedroom.

And yes, they will like being at his house more because he'll have less rules and he'll plan fun time when they come. They'll get to go do activities and amusement parks and go on vacations and more. You'll be working and making them go to bed on time.

Please remember that sometimes making fun memories is way more important that following some illogical rule that really has no meaning in the big picture.

Not stupid and not childish and thank you for entrusting us with your fears.
Of course it's scarey. Of course you worry about those issues. Many of us who have been divorced have felt the same way. But you are on target with your plans. And those may be only temporary so don't fret about the forevers. And yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had a similar story before. Even got a Paralegal certificate (which has not been too profitable for me anyway, but I am happily remarried and it has been for twenty one years.) Children go back and forth anyway in their thinking, so just keep growing and developing yourself. And not all men are jerks. And if you don't have insurance, sign up with a church in your new area and get the emotional support you need.