Need Some Opinions on What to Do

As far as I know the rule about opposite sex children sharing a room only applies to children in foster care not in families.

Okay, there are a lot of things going on here.

First of all, don't be the one to force your daughter kicking and screaming into Dad's car. Let Dad do it! You don't have to be the bad guy all the time! Hand her to him, and if he doesn't get out of the car, put her on his lap in the front seat, say bye bye and go back inside,, waving and smiling!

There are laws about children of mixed genders sharing a room. Privacy is an issue - depends on what state you are in but ask your divorce lawyer or mediator.

If you and your ex agreed on meds for the ADD, then he is obligated to follow the doctor's prescription. If you want to consider a drug alternative, I can help you with that. BUT if you are doing the meds, then consistency is critical. He is in violation of the visitation orders, I assume, if he doesn't follow the child's doctor's advice. Besides, the drugs wear off just about the time your son gets home, and you need to deal with the aftermath. No fair for you and no fair for your son. I'm sure it's a contempt of court situation.

Once safety and medical and privacy issues are taken care of, you have to try to let your husband deal with the kids when they are there, and try not to get too frustrated over stuff you can't control. For example, the video game thing is annoying, I know, and I never let my kid play with them, but it's not the worst thing in the world. It's just irritating on top of everything else. I know that is incredibly difficult, to NOT get upset, but you have to try to let it go. Your son is getting to the age when he can speak up and express his wishes, and pretty soon this houseful of chaos is going to wear on him and he's not going to want to go. If your daughter doesn't get the attention she deserves, it will show up in her not wanting to go more and more, and being able to verbalize that.

Your ex needs to take the kids whether he is sick or tired - period. It's his time, and unless he is highly contagious or in the hospital, he gets the kids. Don't be available to bail him out. It's a way of controlling you, and of managing his chaotic situation. Let him deal with what he has created. Do not be at the other end of the phone, let the school call him if he doesn't pick them up, and so on. They will survive - they will be disappointed in Dad, but that's okay.

If your lawyer says to stop the visitations, go ahead. But if the kids still want to see Dad and you're the one stopping it, you'll be the bad guy. However, if the judge stops them or puts heavy conditions on it, then you're off the hook. Judges don't want to get involved in this stuff but sometimes there is not option. Good luck!

M.,
You've already gotten great advice--please call the courts and get your kids safe! But I also wanted to point out that your kids may be reacting to all the emotional scars that this situation causes: unable to depend on mom or dad, abandonment issues, feeling of not being safe, feelings of insecurity. I'd advice you to get them some counseling (with or without you). I also hope you know that whether you want to remarry, it may be in the best interest of the kids for you to right away. You were divorced in January and already engaged to be married, which is quite fast. Not to mention a girlfriend they are also having to deal with. All these new people in your kids' lives makes for a stressful situation. Put your kids first and give them a safe space to talk and work out these issues so they can build a strong sense of self. Good luck and hang in there.

Get your kids back. Hang in there. It sounds very, very difficult.

I do not have any personal experience with this, but it sounds to me like you should consult an attorney to share this information. I am not certain a judge would force overnight visitation which puts seven children in one bedroom. Also, I would think having your son take his medication on a regular basis could be mandated.
GOOD LUCK!

This is a tough situation. I understand the meds all the way! My son is on them and it's VERY important that he does take them daily whether being good or not. I can tell you if my son is in front of video games, he's great! Why? Because your not having to "deal" with them at all. He still needs the meds and maybe your DR can help you with this.
I feel awful for your daughter. I have a friend whose daughter feels the same and she doesn't make her have to go. Unfortunitely, the Dad could care less. I'm sure the situation has something to do with it. That is WAY TOO many kids in one place. I wonder what everyone sleeps on! The floor? Your children should feel safe a secrure and I'm not sure sleeping on a floor or sharing a room with strange kids isn't it. Boys and girls should have seperate rooms come certain ages at the least. They should also not be forced to be in such a situation.
I agree something needs to be done. I would probably contact the lawyers or whomever handled the divorce and deciding what would happen with the kids. Try to do it as peacably as possible without causing a huge battle.
I also wonder, have you spoken with your X about how you feel and how your daughter is acting? I wouldn't contact someone else until he at least has heard you out, without it turning into a fight. Which just means NOT pointing the finger at him but keep it focused on the children. Don't put him down in any way. It's big in dealing with people never pointing the finger and keeping it very civil. And DO NOT raise your voice one bit, keep cool and calm even if he starts argueing or yelling.
Then go to someone to help deal with the situation after talking it through with him and giving him a chance to resolve it outside of "official" situations.
I'll keep it in my prayers.

i went through almost the same thing. i have 3 kids and iam a SINGLE MOTHER (happy to be that way). my last kid is from a diffrent dad. we lived together for 5 yrs. i filed for custody of my kid. the judge grant me primary care and he would have weekend. so this "man" never gave me child support, not giving me a address where he moved and a phone # where to call him. evertime that my son will come home he will tell me that daddy got in a fight with he's new girlfriend oh by the time he was living with his parents. his parents didnt like the girlfriend and kick them out of the house, so the went to sleep at a motel with her 3 kids, my son sister, a friend of the sister and of course my ex. its was a 2 full size bed. my son was sleeping on the floor!!!!!! he was there for 3 or more weeks.after that in a tent for a week. at my place he has his own room and bed. i talk to a lawyer . they told me not to let him go again cause "my son doesn't have a place to sleep". i did what i had to do.i took him back to court, on the day of court my ex never showed up and i was granted for him to have supervised visitation. i know that all kids have to have there own bed. YOU R NOT WRONG TO BE UPSET! WE AS MOTHER WANT THE BEST FOR OUR KIDS. i would listen to your fiancee and talk to a lawyer before u do something. GOOD LUCK

Talk to a lawyer TODAY!! The sooner you get your children out of that situation, the better. Take him to court & figure out something different. The courts need to be made aware of what is going on. The welfare & safety of them is #1. Obviously your ex doesnt get that, he wouldnt have everyone there if he did. As far as your sons meds are concerned, thats a big issue. Take him to court & get your kids!

When we were kids and we would go to my dads every other weekend, the court ordered that my father was not allowed to have a woman stay overnight while we were there. If my dad wanted to spend time with us, he was spending time with US, not a girlfriend. The courts also recognized that it was potentially unhealthy for us to be exposed to my father having a sexual relationship with someone to whom he was not married. I don't think they are concerned about such things anymore, unfortunately. He also had to have a place for us to sleep and a reliable car.
If your ex wants to spend time with his kids, he needs to make them the priority. This means they get a happy, safe place to stay and get paid attention to. If these requirements are not met, he doesn't get to have them stay over at his house.
Please know that you are right to be upset, and the situation as you described it is not normal or acceptable.

oh M. I feel for you. I won't go into details but I can say that I know exactly where you are coming from and what you are saying and my advice is to get yourself a damn good lawyer and get back into court to have things changed. Your children should not have to be sleeping in those conditions nor going over to a home where there isn't enough room for 4 people to hang out never mind 7 or 8.
Take your fiances advice and go get something done immediately and also LOG everything that is going on and what your kids are saying when they get back home. Your son had a medical disorder which requires him to take medication and it's not your husbands choice whether or not he should take it or not. Best of luck to you.

Thank goodness for your fiancee- if your fiancee won't cooperate with the terms you use as a primary caretaker it might have to be something dealt with court- It doesn't sounds reasonable to have so many children in the apartment at once- and if he can't administer your son's medication it sounds like the court might need to get involved again if your ex husband won't listen. I hope this gets better for you and your family!

Honestly, I agree that's way too many kids in a tiny apartment all sharing a room. Do they all have a bed? Do they have any privacy? It doesn't sound like they do. If you can I might consider taking him back to court actually to possibly amend the visitation agreement. At least until he has a more suitable place for that many children. Honestly, I think if DCF was aware of that many children sharing one room they would not be happy. Especially since it's boys/girls. How old are the gf's kids? Your 9 year old boy is getting to an age where he's too old to be sharing a room with his 4 year old sister though. That's really rather inappropriate.

I'm not sure what state you are in, but here in Maine, the kids have to have their own bedrooms if they are opposite sexes and depending on age. It's an actual law. I would call the court, or DHS/DSS and ask. If it's a court order for them to be with their father, then you also should get in touch with the courts, and make them VERY aware of the situation. They will probably make him find another place to live... I would also mention the problems you are having with the adjustments when your children have to go to & from his house. I went through it w/ my daughter, and still do. She goes w/ her dad only on weekends, and it seems like when she comes back we have to start all over again!! It's not easy, you just have to hang in there and find out what works for you... Hope some of this helps! Hang in there!!

Well a few things if you live in Massachusetts that apartment your ex is living probably doens't have enough square feet for a family that size and in Massachusetts if there are children of different sexes they must have separate rooms after the age of 5 so all the boys in one room and the girls in another. My 7 year old is like your daughter he is terrible after he's been at his dad's but dad doesn't pay attention to him and lets him do whatever so when he comes home he doesn't want rules. It sucks but there really isn't much you can do. You could maybe at least ask for supervised visits at a neutral location w/ just their dad present and not the whole crew. Also w/ that many kids being there when your kids are there I think they might have to have some kinds of special license to drive that many around. Just things to look into if you want to stop visits children of different sexes need their own rooms, and rooms for x amount must be certain square foot, driving w/ that many kids requires a special license,etc. Do your research then put it into action.

Edited: Good luck with the med situation. My oldest has asthma and have taken it up w/ just about everyone on how important it is for him to take his preventatives his inhaler has a meter and I only send enough of his singulair to last him while at his dad's so I know if he gets it or not and he very rarely gets it. No one seems to care. Its a health risk for him to not take symbicort not taking it could result in death because it makes astma attacks worse when not taken. I even went so far to report it to DCF and they told me call back when he's hospitalized because of it...Can you believe that!

If my ex is sick I'd rather he didn't take Aaron he has serious complications w/ asthma when he gets a cold and ends up on all sorts of extra meds and sometimes in the hospital but his dad could give a rats @$$ about it and take him anyway regardless of how it will effect Aaron. I was really strict about it but he started taking me to court every time I kept him home saying I was in contempt and it got to be too big of a hassle.

I think you need to follow your gut. If you have sole(not shared) custody then and decisions about you childrens care is solely you final decision. If he's choosing not to medicate your child when obviously a doctor feels he needs then he is not doing whats best for the child. Some kids do ok on "drug free weekends" but some dont. My son has pretty severe adhd and its h*** o* his system if he misses doses. I wouldnt stop the visitation without going through the court. Stress the importance of the situation in your complaint(focusing on the cramped quarters and his dismissal of you sons medication) and then should get you a hearing on the matter pretty quickly. I would consult with an attourney (usually you can get free advise...)before you stop all together without a court order. Sorry if i'm rambling...you have to really go with your gut, if you think its so bad that your kids are being neglected the court may not scold you for stopping court ordered visits, but if they are not being mistreated its better off to let the court process decide whats best. Maybe he gets only a few hours on the weekend with not overnights given his living situation and unwillingness to give your son his meds??

good luck with your decision, and remember ultimately you need to do whats best for your family.

S.

M.,
My ex and I have been divorced for 16 years. And like you he wanted to run my household also. I decided from the beginning of our separation that "I" would do everything possible to make our divorce civil. No matter what he would toss my way, such as complaining who came to my house, working, kids coming over, kids coming home cranky, dirty, tired, hungry....... they grew into happy adults. It took about two years for him to learn I will not fight or argue about things like this. I could have had things to say to him about the living situation like you, As it did turn out money is a huge problem. He was paying child support and trying pay rent. It did all work out, without having to fight about every little thing. I never talked about him in front of them. I only said nice things. He is there dad no matter what, I did demand the same respect. I also had an open door for him to come and see HIS children any time he wanted. And he did, he appreciated the fact that I put all OUR rubbish behind and only focused on the kids. Its what you have to do. But it did take time. When they come home all tired and cranky, just swallow your madness and ring them back in. If you can do this without always getting upset about every little thing, making a big deal about everything. You will notice things will quiet down, even with your ex.....he cannot get you mad if or fight with you if you don't acknowledge it. I mean really a bunch of kids staying together at there age....I bet they do have fun! But maybe don't want you to know because of your reaction. Your daughter is acting like she is because she loves her mommy, she is only four. Its hard for them to understand what mess mom and dad have made.
As far as your sons meds go, you both should be on board. My son was also on adderall, It did not harm him to take weekends off of the medicaton. So you may want to check into that with your doctor. If he thinks the weekends of mandatory....get a letter to share with your ex. But not infront of your son. Its so much happier and healthier for you to get along with him than to have constant drama around you and your children.
I even swallowed my pride, I did this a lot...I got to know and get along with his girlfriend (who by the way broke up our marraige) for two reasons only, my son and daughter.
I hope you can take something out of my response. I am telling you from my heart...it worked out that I really tried to get along for the kids. But it took work, letting him say stupid things, turning the other cheek, letting my kids just see there dad when ever they wanted.
good luck!!
D.

M.,

See if you can get a social worker to get involved and assess the situation from the courts point of view. They take a more neutral view -which you need to be ready to deal with - but also they can make sure the kids are in a safe and well cared for environment.
I'm guessing the more you say things to your ex the more he goes against what you want. So it sounds like you need to get a third party involved for the safety of your children.

I would also suggest trying to find a mother's suppose group for divorced parents so you can get their advice on things and also as a sound board for those days when you need to cry and let our the frustration of it all.

Good luck,
L. M