Fair Division of Household Chores

Let him know that when you need help you'll ask for it and you expect him to help. If I'm feeling like I need help I ask my husband to do the dishes or help fold laundry or whatever and he helps. He has had to be alone with the kids before and know it can be much harder than going to work out of the house, so he understands that I need help.

I am not a SAHM but am home full time during the summer. My husband and I keep up the same routine throughout the year and it seems to work well. We alternate nights for bath and bedtime routines. We also alternate cooking. I usually do the housework and he does the lawn- they take about the same amount of time. We basically wrote out our work hours- his at the office and mine in the home and decided that we both put in a 7 hour day and share the evening. I just can't understand the mentality of the husband working during the day and getting the night off, but the wife working with the kids throughout the day and well into the night. I think this will teach our son to be a supportive husband at work AND at home.

I'm a SAHM and my husband's chores include all the household maintanence (mowing the lawn, fixing anything that needs fixed), dishes after dinner (because it's my least favorite chore) and he helps bathe and put the kids to bed every night. But that's not all he does, if he sees the dishwasher needs to be emptied, he'll do it. Or if I ask him to vacuum, he will. And he cooks dinner at least one night a week (usually a weekend, but I don't care). I don't ask unless I need help because I know he works hard and I am able to get a lot done during the week. I usually don't do any big cleaning on weekends (I figure we both deserve time off).

I think a lot of dad's have a hard time understanding that being a SAHM is just like having a real job, just, unfortunately, there's no financial reward. If you have talked to him and he just doesn't see that you need the help, you could always take a week off (don't do anything that's not necessary) and let him see for himself how much you actually do do.

Good luck getting something worked out with your hubby.

Well it couldn't hurt to mention the fact that you want to hire a maid. Heck if you can afford it you might as well. But if you can't do it financially then he might get the hint. If you are with the children all day long is it too much to ask him to play with them in the bath and then spend that hour with them to get them to bed?? Are they his kids ?? Ha ha maybe you could hint that he might get "lucky" ha ha
i used to do that to my husband of 16 years. I to used to think that it was my job and now he says that all i have to do is ask him and it will get done. I bet if you ask him every night he will comply .
Good ludk

I asked my husband to help me around the house a little more because I have fibromyalgia and I just don't have the energy. And because he turned into a neat freak and was flipping out when things weren't cleaned up. I told him that if he wanted it clean, he had to help.
But really, the things I find are most rewarding for him and the kids are having him help with THEM. Because chores are just chores, and yes, he works all day and shouldn't have to come home to a giant list of more work. But taking care of his kids is a different story entirely for me. Ask him to put the kids to bed 2 nights a week (and then work up to every other night?), and give them a bath some time. It will be bonding time and give you a few more minutes to work on the other stuff.

I'm sorry, but I just don't completely agree with some of the other opinions about it being the SAHM's "job" to do everything around the house while hubby's "job" is work. I do agree that the husband works hard and is sometimes nonstop at work, and when he gets home he wants to relax and have "a "break." However, SO DO I. Being at home with kids and keeping the house in order is also a full time job. One that I'm not being monetarily compensated for. At the end of the day when my husband comes home, I'm just at worn out and tired as he is, if not more so. I personally don't think it's fair for him to come home and add to my responsibilities by doing nothing. My feelings about this possibly stem from the fact that, like you, I also have a four year old and two year old, but I also have another two year old
and an eleven month old on top of that! That's quite the responsibility to handle on my own all the time with no help... With that said, let me just say that my husband is very helpful and very sensitive to my mood and stress level (or lack of, depending on the day) when he gets home. I am also sensitive to his mood and feelings when he gets home. But we struggled with this when we first got married, and more when I became a SAHM. We have now found at least some balance in the parental responsibilities in the evenings and on weekends (whenever he's home and not working).

Okay. All of that said, here's what I would suggest: Don't just "mention" it (I don't know how serious your conversation about it was...) Make sure he really understands what is important to you for him to do. At 4, your oldest is probably old enough to start having chore responsibilities. Try making a family chore chart (including hubby), and you can even make it a family activity - choosing chores, who does what, coloring or creating the chart, choosing stickers or other prizes, etc. Then stick to it. It can be rotating so no one is always stuck with the same chore, but age appropriated for when the younger ones' turns come up. It will help with dividing responsibilities and also help hubby to appreciate at least a portion of the things you do, too. If he's involved in delegating the responsibility, he'll have nothing to complain about later. And whatever comes of it, (if it doesn't work) you can decide what issues are worth your stress later. Anyway, hope that helps some. Good luck!

Hi T.,
It seems like you are getting lots of good and varied advice. My husband and I struggles with this same topic when I stayed at home full time. I'm working again and we have a 1 year old and a 4 year old. Something that really helped him understand what it's like to be a SAHM was that he was unemployed for 3 weeks and was a SAHD during that time. He remarked on day 5 "I feel like I've been running all day long and have nothing to show for it. I'm sorry I didn't get more done but it's hard to do dishes and laundry with the kids on top of me". Viola!!!
I'm not suggesting you get hubby fired :).
However, have you ever gone away for a weekend with your girlfriends? I have a large circle of women friends that do this twice a year. The key in doing this so he "gets it" is not to go out of your way to "fix" things for the weekend. Don't hire a sitter, don't plan playdates or activities, don't cook ahead or set things out for him to cook. You could even decide to let him grocery shop while you are gone- yikes! Most of all- when he has the kids don't call it babysitting. He's parenting, and it comes with the job.
Most of my girlfriends husbands express gratitude and understanding to their wives upon return. Unfortunately it only last a few weeks, hence the semi annual escape.

Hope this helps somewhat!

i've never been a sahm, but still have some good advice that would apply to any situation. my husband (now, ex) always thought the kids were a chore and so they were "my" chore. so he bowed out of the bath times and the bed times, etc. ....and guess what? he missed out on bonding times. my kids are grown now and to this day, they are close to me and often recall the good talks we had at bedtime and the fun we had with baths (etc). their father unfortunately thought that being a dad meant he'd be there at their games and plays at school and such. but he missed out big time by not being a daily part of simple routines. so, this is my advice to you: talk to your husband about the bonding that goes on with the kids while you go through night time routines. the talks, the stories, the singing, the sharing that goes on. he is truly missing out and needs to be in on those "chores".

best to you.

Hi T.,
I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear but I agree with the Moms who have said that if the Husband works a full time job to take care of your family then the full time job of the SAHM is to work in the home. Dishes, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, cooking, sounds overwhelming in theory but think of the lists and lists of tasks your husband does all day long at work and then he still takes care of the yard. Once I made this mental shift that I was the manager of my home I have been a much much happier person. I see nothing wrong with expecting him to clean up after himself, put away anything he gets out, help to do the dishes after dinner etc. In your defense, however, I do think that putting children to bed is not a household chore and could be shared by all parents. You could both be involved in the nighttime routine.
I struggled with this issue for years and I know how you feel. But try to see his life experience as well. I think you might be surprised.
Take care,
B.

I am a SAHM also, and my husband doesn't do anything, in all fairness to him he has been working 6 days a week a 12 hours a day, he has a new job so he should have a little more time know, but I still don't think he would do much. But I am OK with that, it seems like when he tries to help he is in my way. I have my own rhythm and when you through him in it throws it off so it ends up taking twice as long. This may be the case cause he has never been a big help, who knows.

Keep trying, but some men just don't have a domestic bone in their body. Sorry can't be much help!