SAHMs--Do You Do All the Dishes?

This is how my mother ran her house...my mother-in-law ran her house...and I run mine...

EVERYONE CLEANS UP AFTER THEMSELVES!!!!

You get out a snack, you clean it up! I may clean up the majority after meals (ie. pots, pans, counter, stove, etc.) but everyone rinses their dishes and puts them into the dishwasher. And when we had no dishwasher you ask? Well, everyone washed their own dish (except children who can't reach the sink- a 3 year old just puts the dishes in the sink and we would do the washing.) My husband even helps because two finish the job faster than one and then we get to spend more time with each other in the evenings! NO ONE is too busy to clean up after themself!!!!! What if he was single? Would he be content to live in filfth???? As for kids...we are not their servants! (Your daughter does not want to know what was expected of me when I was her age, and I'm not that old!!!) Hope this helps in some way.
PS. There is a Berenstain Bears book on this type of topic (hehehe),
"The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Chores."

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Dishes? DISHES!?! How about the stinking LAUNDRY!!??!!! I will take dishes any day of the week......its that never ending hamper that irritates me!!!! Why? oh WHY? do men think they have to change their clothes 3 times a day?.....use 3 plates and leave them on the counter?....nah, doesnt bother me....3 pair of socks? well, thats just insane....

WHEW.....thanks for letting me vent!!!! (hahaha) :)

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ROFLMAO...

Ha Ha! I laugh because as another HS'ing mum I threw a fit about 2 months ago and went on strike. <insert cheshire cat grin here>

Of course, I wasn't grinning then. I was Fed Up. Our dishwasher broke a year ago, so all the dishes are done by hand. Our now 8yo has been doing his own dishes since he was 4. But my husband started spending more time at home about 6mo ago and instigated a "don't tell me what to do" phase in our house. ((As in "Dad doesn't wash HIS dishes." & "Dad says that's YOUR job."))

I cook 3-5 times a day. I clean as I go. The only dishes I'm talking about are personal dishes and THAT THEY ARE NOT to be left in the sink. I don't care if they're stacked neatly on the corner of the counter... but not in the sink getting vile, not covered in food and water, and not spread out all over the counter.

I mentioned, I asked nicely, I repeated myself more times than I can count... and then I gave one last warning: If there are dishes left out I'm not washing a single dish. And there's no way on earth I'm cooking.

For 2 weeks... the dishes piled up. I used my personal money to buy kiddo and myself food. And I didn't wash any dish I cooked with except for right before I was about to use it... and then I didn't cook for my husband. It was gross.

What's FUN is that he started complaining to his friends and got an earful. She COOKS EVERY MEAL for you??? You don't trade off cooking? You don't trade off dishes? In our house whoever doesn't cook does ALL the dishes.

His standard line "But I work" fell on deaf ears. Because his friends work. And on incredulous ears. "She's working, too." or "I had to feed myself when I was single and clean up after myself... what is she? Your maid?"

He told me all of this in an ashamed mea culpa one night.

I haven't washed a single dish in 2 months that I didn't use myself, and as soon as dishes start appearing in the sink... wow... magic... mom has quit doing dishes again.

I'm actually rather startled about how much extra time not doing everyone else's share has added back into my life.

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My husband IS working too lol, he is in the army and sometimes pulls 24 hour shifts. He doesn't get to slack off just because he is the bread winner. I have been a SAHM for almost 2 years, although I didn't have kids right when I did quit working, my son is 7 months old and I am 3 months pregnant with my second. My husband helps me when I need it, although right now we've both been slacking since I've been sick and have been in and out of the hospital. IMO I don't think it should matter if he works and you stay at home or not he should still help out with dishes every once in a while or if your kids are old enough get them to help you. Granted in my home I have been sick so somethings haven't been done as much as I would like, not to mention we just relocated to South Korea and just got our furniture and stuff. So the house is kind of a mess.

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AAAWW, the story of my life. Congrads on choosing homeschooling. I home school my 6 yr, have a 3yr, and babysit a 4 yr. We've had this problem at my house, too. My husband works 2nd shift, so he's really only home and awake 3 hrs in the morning, so all of the evening stuff, like sports and scouts, it's all ME. I say sometimes that I feel like a single mom. Things were actually easier when I worked than they are now. I say I do 99.999999999999% of the household chores. My husband was, should I say, babied, when he was at home. He leaves his dirty towel on the floor, his shoes and socks on the floor right by his chair and the thing that get's me the most is the TRASH in the sink. The trash can is right under the sink. But I've noticed that everyone, but me, does it at my mil house. My son is responsible for keeping his room clean, feeding the dogs, helping with the laundry and what ever else I ask him to do. There has been alot of days that he has scrapped off the plates, not glass though, and put them in the dishwasher. He get's an allowance according to his chores. I must say that my husband is actually really great, and most times will help me if I get behind and ask him to. I finally sat them all down and told him that I want us to spend more time together as a family and do more activities, but we can't if I'm doing nothing but clean all day. I told them that if all they do is just pick up after themselves would save me alot of time. Of course, i still do expect my son to help me with other things as well. And I did tell my husband that I greatly appriciate him letting me stay home, and that over all, picking up after him is a small price to pay to stay at home, but I just want to spend more time as a family. Maybe a GOOD talk will help. There's nothing wrong with them at least putting their own plates in the dishwasher. I would really give the 9 yr a chore list.

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Hubby does a lot of the cooking and a lot of the dishes. I do the rest of the housework and almost all of the yardwork, but he is a great help in the kitchen. I am currently teaching my 2.5 year old how to clean her place setting. When she is old enough, she will do the dishes ;-) I do most of the dishes during the week, but on the weekend he washes up after meals. Typically during the week he baths my daughter while I do dishes, and I want him to have that time with her.

I'd set up some ground rules. Your hubby is being a bit ridiculous if you ask me. When I was first married, I woke early to make hubby coffee, etc. but that quickly ended when I realized that he was A GROWN MAN. We aren't their servants, we run the household. While their job is the main contributor of money, this doesn't mean they don't have to contribute in other ways. As responsible beings, we have to take care of our belongings, and cleaning the dishes is just one of those nasty chores that we have to do.

If you use it, you clean it and/or put it away.

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We rotate the job and have a chore chart.

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I'm a SAHM of 3 kids - getting ready to have # 4 within two weeks.
I homeschool my children.
My husband works hard.
---------------------------------------
Yes, I do the dishes.
And everything else.

I say " do what you can ".
Don't stress it.

Try to find time to relax.

Be thankful you have a family that loves you and needs you.
You are doing a great job.

= )

1 mom found this helpful

My dd isn't old enough yet to do dishes, but will help when she gets big enough. I too am a SAHM...we have a slight addition though. We have a roommate that helps us out with bills. He is as gungho about me staying home with my dd as my SO is. He joined our household with the only chores he is responsible for would be dishes and trash. Well, he is a little lazy on the dishes so we worked out an agreement. He gives me a little money each week, now that he has a full time job and I take care of the dishes. I was already doing most of them anyway, so now I get a little play money each week to take my kid to MacDonald's or whatever. It works out perfectly for us. Now, if I could only keep them from leaving the toilet seat up...ROTFL!

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Ok, here's the thing, I LIKE doing dishes! First because I has arthritis in my hands and the hot water feels really good, as does USING my hands in that way, stretches them out, gets them loose and happy. So Yeah, I do ALL the dishes in the house, dishwasher and hand wash.

Second, my situation is VERY different from yours. I'm down to only two very independent teenagers, I don't work even part time, my guy is a field engineer and usually gone all week.....

I wait on him hand and foot. I doubt he's seen the inside of the fridge in many months. I do this because, well, I CAN, but mostly because his reaction to it is SO precious, honestly when I hand him a plate of food or a can of soda he nearly bursts into tears with appreciation. Also past few years I've been moody, difficult to live with, and RARELY interested in sex, sigh.

On the other hand if he ever behaved in a manner which suggest he feels it's my JOB NOT HIS to do dishes (or any other domestic chore), well, things wouldn't be so sweet, as Riley's guy found out!!

Your husband's job ends, he comes home, his time at work is OVER. YOUR job NEVER ends, you never stop working. He REALLY needs to get with the program, a man who appreciates his gal's domestic prowess is a smart and happy man! What is this, 1950?

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I had this response all ready to type up then I read Rileys and she took the words out from under my fingers. I love it. Go on strike, buy fast food, or frozen pizza.

I have three kids at home and they all help with the cleaning duties.

The times I clean are when I want the house to look a certain way or be at a certain level of clean. My kids tend to see clutter not dirt, they try. My hubby helps.

The only thing he is not allowed to touch is my new washing machine.

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I would be happy if my husband and son put the dishes INTO the sink OR dishwasher--not on the counter. It drives me nuts....the counter is RIGHT ABOVE the dishwasher...and still...they pile stuff there.
I feel like you do--like I can't get out of the kitchen sometimes.
But I think whoever the adult is that is home should see to it that the dishes are in the dishwasher, at least.

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What do you mean you "aren't working full time?" You are an SAHM. You work more than full time. You don't sit around your house all day doing nothing. You work all day homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, doing errands. You deserve some down time too and your family is obligated to help around the house. Do they help out with anything on the weekends? I'm sure from your post they don't so you work 7 days a week. Come up with a list of your duties and the time you are working and show your husband you work way more hours than him and you deserve help around the house.

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Tell your husband that is crazy!! You are not the maid you are his wife!!!!! If he makes the mess then he should clean it up!!!!!!!! Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you are not contributing to the home. Your hubby needs a reality check!! I say Kentucky fried chicken for dinner tonight!!!!! He will get the message loud and clear!!!

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I am a SAHM of three kids (our oldest is in 1st grade so she's gone most of the day) but I have the two youngest ones home with me. I do all of the house work. BUT you are homeschooling, you are not just a SAHM, you are a teacher too. We are currently researching homeschooling our kids next year and that's one thing I've recently talked to my husband about is the housework, he's going to have to share the responsibility.

Before I quit my job last year to be a SAHM, we did share the housework, we were both working. But as soon as I quit, I took it all on. Sometimes I feel like I'm a housewife, not a SAHM, b/c the cleaning is nonstop since we're always in the house. I do think your husband needs to step it up and your SD should have chores too. Now, please excuse me while I go do the dishes ;)

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Everyone does their own breakfast dishes. I do lunch, but the kids are in charge of emptying the dishwasher. My husband and the kids do the supper. I homeschool 3 of my 4 children who are home. I believe the kids need to learn to clean up after themselves and I believe that my husband needs to model that. To be honest, we all kind of like doing the evening dishes together. It gives us time together.

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Does the 9 yr old have chores? Just because you are a stay at home mom don't mean they ca't help out at all. I make sure all my kids help do their share of housework even my 7 yr old knows how to do dishes here.I would tell them that leaving stuff like that will get bugs/rodents in house fast..

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I am a SAHM and before the babies worked full time. But did all the housework too. (grrrrrr)

Now with two little ones, I do all cooking, cleaning, laundry and dishes. Which most of the time I don't care. But my pet peeve is that my husband also leaves his dishes on the table, the counters in the living room etc. He leaves his shoes all over the house, his clothes. If he changes the 2 year old for bed, I find his clothes and wet diaper wherever he changed him. I spend all day washing and folding laundry, he never offers to help put it away. I also pick up toys all day. Make breakfast lunch and dinner. And I have a newborn who eats and poops all day!! LOL So it would be WONDERFUL if at minimum he could pick up after himself. Just because your husband works all day doesnt mean he cant pick up after himself. You are not a maid. I have told my husband many times, "You get to punch out from work, why can't I ?" It's an unfair balance. As for your stepdaughter she is PLENTY old enough to help you out. First of all a family should be a team, secondly how is she going to learn? I fully plan on teaching my boys that they can and WILL pick up after themselves, and learn how hard it is to run a household!! I tell my husband all the time I will be the better example. Dont get me wrong, I love my husband he is a great man and provider. But when it comes to our house and helping me out, he is LAZY.

Stand your ground!

Well, in my opinion, as a SAHM I work all day too. And, while cleaning the kitchen comes with being at home because we make a mess, it is not my sole responsibility to always be cleaning it. I have 3 kids to feed, play with, keep safe, keep active, get to and from places. Luckily, my husband understands that my "job" is much more emotionally and physically taxing so he pulls his own weight as well. I would be appalled if my husband made a meal or snack for himself and then left all the dishes out for me to clean. To me that is just plain inconsiderate and not to mention lazy. My MIL made sure my husband could fend for himself and I will do the same for my kids, it is the best gift you can give to someone.

We always have dirty dishes in the sink. We too have a dishwasher and a garbage disposal, but cooking from scratch several times a day + snacks means never-ending dishes. I run as many as I can throughout the day, but sometimes there are pots and pans that just have a soak a day or two before I get a chance to hand-wash them. Maybe this is gross to some, but it's not like I have rotting food lying around and there are sometimes bigger fish to fry.

My DH will usually pitch in with loading or unloading the dishwasher a few times a week. It's almost always me doing any hand-washing of dishes, and the couple of times our dishwasher has broken, my 10 yr old (then 9) helped out with the hand-washing, but it is not a regular chore for her. My almost 3-yr-old, DH, and 10 yr old ALL have to help clear the table after dinner. Since I cook, someone has to also clear MY plate as a sign of respect.

*I* made this rule since I think it teaches an important lesson to the kids. My girls also take turns hand-grinding my coffee for me in an old-fashioned grinder. They love doing this, actually, but I tell them it is like a "thank you, Mommy" for everything I do by hand for them. I hope some of it is sinking in! My 3 yr old gets one single chocolate chip as a treat (temporary- we use it for motivation when introducing a new expectation) if she puts away the clean silverware (except knives) from the dishwasher after dinner. She LOVES helping out since everyone is bustling to clean the kitchen and it's a family activity, and she does a great job already, sorting things out.

I would make it part of homeschool to do some chores. It's important to learn how, PLUS I bet your daughter would get a sense of pride if you go about it as a teaching activity rather than "this is going to be your chore." I would also ask your husband to do the dishes on his day off or one set day a week that way YOU can relax after dinner that night and you can have that to look forward to as well. Sometimes just knowing you get a "break" will help the bitter feelings you start to have toward those mundane chores- at least it does for me!!

We also use cloth napkins, which we converted to a couple of years ago and LOVE. Setting the table pretty seems to help me get some "zen" about serving my family too. Setting the table and carrying in the food is my 10 yr old's chore except on nights when she is really invested in a game with friends, etc before dinner, but then she is expected to recognize that someone picked up her slack and say thank you.

Manda

I do 99% of the household duties as a SAHM of one for the last 2.5 years.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that when it's understood by both and agreed on, but I don't think it's an excuse for the rest of the household to be lazy or rude. Your husband and children should have the courtesy to clear their own plates, rinse off, etc. The whole family can help clean up, even if you're doing the bulk of it. Even our 2 year old helps put stuff in the sink!
It's a matter of working together and putting that into practice even when kids are really young. I do a lot for my husband, cook most all the meals (but he often helps), iron his clothing for the work week, make his lunch, do all the laundry, clean the house, take care of our son. And I am okay with that, as it's my "job." But my husband knows that I dont' appreciate it if he treats me like a maid either...it's just a matter of mutual respect for one another and for your home. You have to make a plan together of how to approach this stuff, so that no one gets bent out of shape.

Only the pots and pans, and if I bake during the day.
The children (ages 8,10,12,16) rotate doing the dishes by the week. And we don't have a dishwasher. So typically, they do a load when they get home from school, and then another after dinner. Everyone has to clean up after themselves when they snack.

I too am a SAHM and nooooo I don't do all the kitchen duties. My husband works and that includes traveling all around the country quite a bit and he absolutely helps. Being a SAHM is also a full time job and when your husband comes home doesn't mean it's time for him to stop working, do you ever get to stop. NO!!

After I cook dinner we all clean up the table and then he does the dishes and puts them in the dishwasher, he also on the weekends will sometimes make the kids breakfast or lunch if I'm doing something else. Tell your husband being married, raising kids, and having a household takes two and that means he's part of that two.

My hubby & I both work 40+ hours/week at our jobs. It became clear 2 weeks ago when my hubby lost his job that some things in our household needed to change. The kitchen was a mess

My husband Joe is just like your husband! Although we both work long hours 5 days/week, he will come home, turn on the tv and sit there till 11:30p at night. We shared responsibilities with cooking, cleaning up the kitchen, was a different thing. Then, 2 weeks ago, my husband lost his job. I came home after working an extra long day, and our kitchen was horrible, dishes were piled up, and he was sitting with a beer in his hand when I walked thru the door, as he sat there in only his boxers. I figured since it was his first day "off" in a while, he could have a pass....but then it turned into 1 day after another, until 1 day, I came home and the house reeked like something died in it. I asked him what happened to the house, and as I walked in the kitchen, it became apparent what "happened". My husband decided to cook himself a full-course lunch and LEFT everything out, dishes piled up, etc. Thats when I laid the gauntlet down. I told him that if he was home, and wasn't actively looking for a job, he needed to do something around the house. NOW, we don't have kids of our own yet! He could start with cleaning the kitchen! He grew up in a home where his Mom did EVERYTHING home-based (dishes, dinner, laundry,etc), while dad sat and did nothing. Didn't matter if my MIL had worked 7a-7p that day.

The bottom line here is, there needs to be a balance of power in your home. Some men see it as "well she's home all day, she should be able to clean", not taking into account that being a SAHM is a FULL-TIME job, that DOESN"T PAY! LOL! Your husband needs to pitch in, just because he works outside the home, doesn't mean he gets a free pass when he comes home. These are his kids too! My friend Julie is a SAHM, and her husband works sometimes up to 60 hours a week. He walks thru the door and switches into dad-mode. He knows that having kids is a responsibility of his too! He also gives my friend Julie a weekend off a month, where she has Saturday/Sunday off, and dad is in charge. Julie doesn't go anywhere usually, but will spend that time taking a bubble bath, reading, coffee with a friend occasionally, but thats her DEFINED time.

Your hubby needs to pitch in a little bit. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you sit around and eat bon-bons all day, it's hard work keeping up with kids. There are no breaks, and it's a 24-7 365 job!

My kids all have dishes night- the oldest is 10 and I have a 9yr old and 6yr old(I wash, he dries) and my 4 yr old helps me with the breakfast/lunch dishes.
yeah, it's a pain to get my kids in to do the dishes- but it's their chore and they are part of the household- so they will help with the chores.
Get your husband to back you up on SD helping out with dishes. I did dishes with my kids until I felt they were comfortable and competent enough to do them on their own. I still have to go over it with them about once a week. I also don't think it's too much to ask for others to rinse and put their own dishes in the dishwasher(we don't have one)- it takes 10 seconds to do- so not that hard.
Good Luck!
~C.

I'am the dishwasher we don't have one..My kids do take their things to the sink after meal times throw away food dump drinks then I wash..I have thrown cups away because we get to many of them it is so frustrating to have these items we don't need but use because they are there i'm now in the process of throwing away sippy cups.There are times when my 3 yr old will do the dishes she does a very good job or my 7 yr old will do them I don't have them do glass or knives anything else they will do they do have other (age approatiate) chores to help around the house,they have toys they need to be responsible for not only mom.
Good luck in getting SD to help..

My hubby works really hard too, but always helps out around the house if I need help. I HATE doing dishes, so he unloads the dishwasher for me and I load it. And he always cleans up after I cook. I do all the cleaning, laundry, anything else that needs to get done, but he's great about helping out if I need it. I guess I'm lucky!

No ma'am! My husband works hard but recognizes that I work just as hard as he does! The other day, I ran an errand and came home to a sparkling clean kitchen. I hate dishes more than anything in the world and my husband has compassion on me on a regular basis!

I am not trying to knock your husband, but he does need an attitude change. He is an adult, and adults can clean up after making a snack. You are not a maid and you have better things to do than baby him OR your step daughter. Even my 3 year old attempts to clean up after a snack!
Time to set new rules for your household! You are doing a great job!

IMO if you are old enough to make a snack, you are old enough to clean up after! I do most of the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, but my 4 and 2 y/o are expected to clear their dishes from the table, put any food scrapes or trash in the trashcan and put them in the sink, and my husband does the same (I don't have to tell him). Actually in my home, I am the one leaving dishes (glasses) everywhere! In a few yrs, I fully intented to have the kids load the dishwasher after dinner. I grew up in a home where mom and dad worked together to clean the kitchen after dinner every night, so I think of it as a family activity. Unfortunately, no matter how hard and long you work away from home there are always some things you have to do at home to maintain tidiness and cleanliness. While it may be reasonable for you to do the bulk of the work in the kitchen, it is also reasonable for them to clean up after themselves in the most basic of ways ie dirty dishes in sink or dishwasher, trash thrown away, food items put away and counters wiped. IMO!