Extended Family! - Park City,KY

Do you have other options for babysitting if they leave? If so, I would give them a date and just tell them they have to be gone by then. I'm sorry if they choose not to deal with other family, but that's their choice and THEY have to live with the consequences of that choice - you do not.

I have in the past told my daughter she had to leave, but the kids could stay. Is that an option for you?

Time for them to move on. It would cost you less to just fix their car and send them on their way. It does not sound like they are trying to improve their situation, just mooching off you. As long as you allow them to mooch off you they will not have to take the initiative to fend for themselves. It's called Tough Love.

Good luck

Sorry S., but it's impossible to not upset someone. They are not trying to get work and goodness knows when they will leave if you don't tell them that they've worn out their welcome.

Your fiance didn't sign up for this. You have to take HIS side here.

Dawn

I think after 4 months they could have gotten their van fixed and moved on. They're clearly taking advantage of you. Tell them they have until a certain time to move out and then stick to your guns.

What's it going to take ($$) to fix their car? Where are/were they headed?
Are they fit parents? How many of your kids have they been looking after since you've been working?

It is a horrible situation but I think God will bless you for what you have done and are doing....especially for the children.

hooooly smoke darlin!

first, yes, your fiance is right and they MUST go. really. it will ruin your family if they stay. a phrase i got from oprah, "i'm sorry - it's just not working for us." tell them that it's putting too much of a strain on your family. it's the truth! you don't want to wait until your fiance is packing his bags. they have to go.

i don't know why they're not working but hon this is NOT your responsibility. you are supporting a family of TEN!? no! pleeeease stop feeling guilty. there are two grown adults who should be supporting their OWN family.

now, that said. there's no reason you can't help them on their way a bit. how much to fix the van? can you afford to do it for them? can you drive them around to fill out job applications? temp agencies are everywhere. help them within reason. and then send them on their way.

there is zero room for doubt. you MUST ask them to leave. they are waaaaaay past due to leave. and don't let them come back!

They are taking you for a ride! Give them a date to be out and stick to it.
Four months, holy cow.l

You need to take care of yourselves, first. You've been more than generous, already. I would be honest. You're not able to support a household of ten, you're running behind on your own bills, and by the end of the week, they need to move on. Their family's situation is NOT your responsibility.

I think you are a wonderful person. How amazing of you and your fiance to take them in. It's been a while though, so now is the time for a time limit and a plan. Talk to your fiance about what works for him and try to give them a little notice. I'd ask for them to be out before June..or whatever works for you and gives them a heads up. Don't feel bad, you have done so much for them. Help them get connected to unemployment services in the area and see if they can actively look for a job. You can't do everything for them though.

You really need to side with your fiancé on this. I actually think he sounds pretty nice to have dealt with this for 4 months. You cannot help people that are not willing to help themselves. Are they actually trying hard to change their situation? Or do they seem pretty content? Seriously why couldn't at least one of them get a job by now(even PT), mow lawns, walk dogs something. Give them a date to move out and stick to it.

Here's what I think needs to take place.. There are FREE services out there that help people get their finances in order. Your relatives may not have much, but that's just it.. they need help with managing what they do have.. In which case, they go to an appointment, sit down with a counselor and talk finances... Also, your husband and you are doing double time for the family.. first .you open up your home and two.. you both go to work and pay your taxes so in turn, as a taxpayer, can give them foodstamps.......... how nice... I'd be piss off too... It's one thing to help.. but it sounds like they are taking for granted your kindness.. Some would suggest,it's a full time job looking for a job.. I think that is how they need to approach matters..

Don't enable them to live the way they are. Nothing in life is free, and you'll end up paying with your relationship if they stay.

I would absolutely let my family move in with me, but with a time limit. People need to help themselves.

They need to go. Your extended family is not your fiancé responsibility nor yours. It would really stink to feel unappreciated too. You guys have already been more than generous.

Guilt is a useful emotion... It tells you what you WANT.

So lets look at what you want.

1) Your family's needs to be met. That has to be number 1. Be ause if you lost your family, that's a whole new kind of guilt. So lets be proactive here, and place your children & family first.

- Quite frankly, it sounds as if they aren't right now. Not just your family's wants... But your NEEDS are going unmet. There's not enough money for your bills, much less providing for their future.

2) Your nieces/nephews needs to be met.
3) Your aunt & uncles needs to be met.

What, here, do you actually have control over?

#1.

That's the only one you CAN do (yes, if you were a billionaire, you could meet everyone's needs & wants... Which is actually a useful thing to know, Im not actually being sarcastic, here, but honest.)

What you WANT to do is numbers 1-3.
You've sacrificed #1, in order to try and help with 2&3.
To no avail.

Which gives you some options, based on more knowledge.

1) Allowing them to stay with you will NOT help them. For some it would. For them, it isn't.

2) You can allow SOME of them to stay with you (adults or kids) while the others live elsewhere, which would alleviate some of the burden. Sometimes that's what's really needed. Grandparents take the kids, or cousins, or godparents, etc... While the parents live elsewhere for a few months getting 2 jobs each & saving. Other times in reverse... That's how one becomes a "kinship provider"... As the parents ditch their kids and circle the drain. No knowing which would happen. Depends on the parents. You can't control the parents to force them into good decisions. You can only (as with allowing the family to stay with you) give them a hand. If they ignore the hand, that's not on you.

3) You can do their research for them. Assistance programs, housing programs, med programs, school programs. Gather together everything you can find, and present them with a plan.

4) ?

There is quite literally, nothing else you can do.
You can't live their lives for them.
You can't make their choice for them.

_______________

You feel guilt because you WANT to be able to do thing you CAN'T do.

Once you've done everything you can do (not should do, big difference)... Will you still feel guilty?
Yup.
Because you have a good heart.
You want what's best.
Even though you can't do it.

Are there some "more" things you CAN do?
Yep.
- Let them stay forever
- Keep the kids or Keep the adults
- Research

SHOULD you?

No.
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Do what is RIGHT.

Which is whatever you can live with / look in the mirror every morning and be okay with.

- Staying forever = losing your own family ... Not likely mirror-worthy.
- Keeping kids/adults = ?
- Research = ?

Neither of them are working - why not and when did they last work?

Only source of income they have is childsupport on my aunts older 2 children - that money is suppose to go toward supporting those two children and not their whole family...someone should have a job.

a little over 400 a month - where does it go?

We haven't asked them to help with bills so that they could get their van fixed as soon as they could - when will they fix it? They should have $1200 saved by now.

my fiance was taking care of all the bills - everyone is pretty lucky to have him.

After 4 months he says he feels unappreciated - I am sure he is.

feels as if they aren't trying to help themselves - Yep, that's right.

he wants me to be the bearer of bad news & tell them to find somehwere else to go - Yep, so far the consensus here is when there are family problems, the family member should be the one to fix it.

I feel as if either way I go I'm goona upset someone - even though they should be thankful, the will be angry.

They lived in a homeless shelter before they moved in with us - They don't seem to be concerned with going back.

But they make me feel guilty - mission accomplished.

They do baby sit while I work - A sitter would be cheaper and more healthy for your family.

they get food stamps - likely not enough.

They use our car - why? Are they insured? Have you checked your insurance coverage if they totaled it?

they don't have extra money for gas - What did they put in their van?

I just look in the eyes of these innocent children, & feel so much guilt - Maybe they should be fostered, but the parents would never allow it...they would lose their ticket.

You have to think about what they are doing to you and what they are doing to your fiance. You have to give them a time to be out, like the next 30 days. Really, it should be sooner, but you have allowed them residence there. If you were to consider anytime sooner, you may want to check the eviction laws in your area.

What would you do if your fiance left you over this?

THEY NEED TO GET A DARN JOB and support themselves.
They are a family of SIX!

Your Fiance, should not have to do this.
They are schmucks.

You either lose your Fiance and he has put up with this for 4 months already, or, you support them ALL by yourself... OR, you get a 2nd job to support them, since they are your... family.

If it were me, I would be sick and tired of it, and I would go elsewhere if I were your Fiance. If I were your Fiance, I would leave.

You are not even married... and he is doing this for you/your family.
But everyone has their limits. And your Fiance has put up with it for far to long.
It is YOUR family.
YOU tell them you cannot do this anymore.
Or you get a 2nd job to support them so they can use you, instead of social services or welfare.
THEY should be getting a JOB THEMSELVES.

OF COURSE you need to be the bearer of bad news... YOU are their family. It is your responsibility. Not your Fiance.
And don't let them use him anymore.
And don't let them blame him.
And you don't blame him either, nor use him as a scapegoat.
It is your responsibility and the responsibility or your extended family.
And they are using your car, too.
Good grief.

You and Fiance need to sit down with them and say, "So what's the plan here? Because you can't stay indefinitely." Where were they living before you? Where were they en route to? If you and DF want them out, then you need to say, "You've had 4 months and we haven't asked you for anything, but nothing's been done. We can't support you. So you have 1 month to figure it out. You cannot stay here. You need to find work and move." If their only source of income is CS, then they can apply for assistance. They can get jobs. You need to be very very very clear and firm when you tell them what their time limit is and be willing to enforce it. If they are your aunt and uncle, then presumably they have brothers or sisters and they can contact them as well.

ETA: I would move forward with another babysitting option for my children. I have to wonder if they are with you because you are kinder than some other relatives who would have said "move out" long before now. Is it drama of their own creation? I had an xbf who I told to move out. He was staying with me after a fight with his dad, but in another room. He took over a friend's room when he had to move out. But he quit his job and we weren't dating. He painted me as a horrible b**& but fact was HE was the freeloader and everyone else figured that out eventually when he did it to them. They aren't motivated to fix the van if they use your car. I'm sorry for the kids but they should not make you feel like you have to put up with this because your aunt and uncle won't get their act together. If you think you can take on the kids, maybe look into kinship care for them, but I wouldn't keep adults in my home that weren't contributing their share. We even told my SS that he didn't have to learn to drive but he'd get himself a state ID and we would only transport him to/from school. A few months of taking the bus soon motivated him. Sometimes you have to say "No, really, this is not yours" and make it uncomfortable or they won't ever do for themselves. As hard as it is, if you can't support them and don't want to, you have to speak up. They are using their kids to use you. And what happens when YOU get in trouble? You can't help anyone else if you can't keep your own lights on. Don't let them drag you down into their problems.

If you don't say something to them, just how long do you suppose it will be until they have the money to fix their car? You guessed it - never. They will sponge off of you guys until you end it. And they are counting on you feeling bad, so you will let them stay. It doesn't take long to make the money to fix a car, especially if you don't have any bills. Tell them you love them but they are going to have to find somewhere else to stay - and hand them the phone book and tell them to start calling shelters or churches, anywhere they can find that will help. Then give them a specific date that they have to be out. If you don't do this, how long will your fiance put up with it, before HE leaves?

Liv B. I say the same. Pay to get the car fixed and have them outta there!

You need to give them a deadline to get out. It sounds like you're not helping so much as enabling them to continue to do nothing, to the detriment of your own financial stability.

What's that saying about family members and fish? Well I think it is waaay past time to remove the stench.

Your fiance has been over generous for four months. He can see the writing on the wall that things will not change unless you tell them to leave. It is to the point the family or the fiance. Which do you want in your life? The family can get over it and be happy. You will lose the finance and not find another for a long time.

Choices are hard in life. But it is time to make the extendeds leave and find their own way in the world. Teach them to fish and stop handing them the fish. Otherwise you will be just like them with nothing to show for all your hard work.

Time to poo or get off the pot. Make the move and tell them to go. If you have to be blunt about it so be it. Tell they have 2 weeks to find a place and be gone. No backing down about it. They will complain but it will be for a short while. If you have to, change your phone number.

the other S.

PS That is why the momma bird pushes her birds out of the nest to fend for themselves and to live on their own.

I'm in agreement with AV. You and your fiancee need to sit down with them and find out what their plan is. Force them to make one. Give them a date to leave.

You've been more than kind and gone well beyond the call of duty. But there's a big difference between a hand up and a hand out. You're just a hand out.

In order to give them a hand up....you have to be willing to push them back out into the world.