How Can I Get My Husband to Help!

No, not ALL men are like this... but when you play the comparison game, no one wins. I used to get frustrated that "other husbands" helped out more around the house... but then the more I spoke with women, the more I found out that there were things my husband did or didn't do that was different from the way some of these "other husbands" treated their wives-- for example, mine didn't help much around the house, but he also doesn't call me horrible names when he gets mad, he doesn't ever hit me or even yell at me, he doesn't stay out late drinking with his friends, he DOES spend quality time with each of our kids, he DOES work very hard and takes his job seriously, etc, etc, etc....

When I was a SAHM the first time around, I had 2 kids under the age of 2 and no car. We relied on others or took my husband to work very early in the morning in order to have transportation, so several days a week I was home alone with the kids. I was constatnly frustrated and tired and fed up. It was effecting our marriage because at the time, I didn't realize all of the good things he does (and bad things he doesn't do) compared to other husbands, so I was convinced I was doing it ALL and all he did was work his job and come home and do nothing else. So we would argue. So here is what we did (at his request)...

We made a list of all (and I mean ALL) of the things that each of us is responsible for. His list was basically bring home a paycheck, take out the trash, lift heavy things... and like maybe 2 other things we could think of!! Once we started my list, we both came up with pages and pages of things that he took for granted. Yes, he knows I am responsible for keeping the house clean and taking care of the kids. But when you break it down into tasks and see it in black and white, it's an eye opener. For example, we listed things FAR beyond mop the floor and do the laundry... we listed taking the kids to the doctor (which in itself includes things he didn't know, like the name and phone number of their doctor!, making their well check up appointments on schedule, dealing with them when they are sick, etc.)... and also things that keep the whole family running smoothly, like doing all of the footwork once we decide where to go on a vacation, remembering all of the extending family's birthdays (including HIS mother and father!!) and sending bday cards or planning bday dinners, plus planning all of the kids' bday parties, making scrapbooks of our family photos, ect....

Once he saw how much I actually do, he saw me in a new light. He looked over the list and picked a few things he could help with. For example, he decided he could help with grocery shopping. What's funny is that once he started helping, I didn't want him to help so much!! haha! Not that he really did that much, but there are some things that I'd rather just do myself because I know it'll get done my way! But just the whole idea that he appreciated me more was so helpful to my well being. And I knew that now I could ask for some specific help and he'd be more likely to lift a finger to help knowing that if I was asking then I must feel really overwhelmed that day.

OR, you may just have a man who was raised in and is stuck with the traditional male/female roles, and he may never happily help you with the housework!!If that IS the case, count your blessings and focus on the things he does do--- like if he is a good father to your children, or a good provider for your family, or makes you laugh, or whatever he does to contribute in other ways to your life.

Oh-- and one more tip that may work occasionally if you do it right and use it sparingly... Offer to do it yourself and depending on what it is, he may swoop in and do it just because he doesn't want you to screw it up!! For example, if you want a small shelf hung up, ask him if his cordless electric drill is charged. When he looks at you with a worried look, tell him you need it to hang that shelf you've been wanting hung up, because you understand that he is busy and you wanted to go ahead and do it tomorrow while he is at work-- and if he's like my husband, he'll immediately do it for fear of what will happen to our walls with an electric drill in my hands!! haha!

2 moms found this helpful

Unfortunately the majority of men are like this. I think it goes back to their mom doing everything for them and having the girls/women/sisters do the "women" work. Teach your sons to do their share of the house work when old enough your daughter-in-laws will thank you. Now back. I really don't know any good way that is 100% fail proof. I try to make "contracts". Things like (I apologize if it's too personal and offends) if you want oral sex vaccuum for me. It could even be something as simple as you want a foot rub wipe the counters. My fiance used to have this annoying habit throwing his boxers in the corner behind the bathroom door in the morning. I used to always go "in search" of them and any other clothing he made not have put in the hamper. One day I warned him that if any clothes didn't make it in the hamper they didn't get washed. Guess what he was down to 1 pair of boxers and quickly decided he was going to wash them himself that day. He now tosses all his laundry in the hamper. I think it's just a matter of "re-training" the and showing them if they don't follow a certain rule things happen. Almost the same way you have to treat children to a point. I get frustrated with him also and decide that I am no longer going to vaccuum the house for example. After about 5 days he gives and realized what a mess it is if I it doesn't get down. Hope that helps.
-- Barbi

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My hubby has always WILLINGLY helped around the house! Tell him you need his help and give him a specific list of chores that he can do.

After reading the posts that say that most men won't help with the house, I decided to do a little inventory of the men I know. Just in the space of this minute I counted 11 men who regularly help around the house, 5 that pitch in whenever they are asked, and 2 nasty chauvanists that think women have to do the housework while they play video games. There you have it!

Tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know that it makes you feel bad when he will help other people and not you. I hope he gets a clue soon!

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I feel for you, M.. My only reassuring answer may be that No, all men are not like this. I learned helping when I was a boy, taught by my mom and dad. It is evident, however, that many men feel that "a man's work is a man's work" and they don't do women's work. Sad. Machismo should be saved for the battlefield.

I my marriage, my wife finally learned that I respond best to "Would you help me with this?" or "Can you help me get this done this week (or today)?" When demands for help come with accusatory questions like "Why can't you help around the house?" discussions fall into arguments and no one gets anywhere.

It's difficult to say anything more without more information, but this is my male point of view. "Other" men will reject this for many reasons, starting with "She's a SAHM. I work for a living." but they won't be reading this at all.

J.

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I have found that the easiest way to get through to my husband is to talk to him when I am not angry or frustrated. To ask for only one thing at a time and tell him how much it would help me and I would appreciate his help. I have 2 children who are a little older now, and I used to get angry with my husband the he got defensive and I never got anywhere with him. I then read the Love Languages book, and asked him what I could do for him to make him feel loved. All it was was to have his coffee made for him in the morning. So I started to do that everyday. He never asked me what would make me feel loved! But I kept going and every once in a while I would ask him to do something when I wasn't angry and tell him how much I would appreciate it, and he was slow at first, but he is coming around a little at a time. It is a slow process, but worth the effort. He did one time tell me that when I asked him when I was angry he never wanted to do what I asked, but if I asked him with appreciation he was more apt to do it. I hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

I hear you girl! My husband is great provider and wonderful dad but when it comes to helping around the house it was like pulling teeth. But, I put up a list every week of things that need to be done (help list) and I asked him to please pick out any one of these items. And it has helped so much. One week I forgot to do it and he said where is the list? So this list has helped me tremendously! I know every man is different but I hope it helps.

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I honestly have to say, I have no words of wisdom for you. My husband is the same way. I just wanted to give you a little support and let you know you are not the only one fighting this battle. :)

1 mom found this helpful

First off, NO all men are NOT like that!
I stay at home as well and my husband knows what I go through with our 3. He does A LOT!
Has your husband ever had the kids all day by himself? I think that would help if he understood all that you had to do on a daily basis.
I don't know how I got so lucky, but there are lots of husbands that are like yours.

1 mom found this helpful

I kinda think of my husband the same way... that he doesn't appreciate my efforts. But, when my grandfather died and I wanted to go visit my grandmother he stepped in to be my amazing husband. I needed new tires before I made a 12 hour drive with my daughter to my grandmother. The day I decided to go up there is the day he rushed over to get my truck and get those new tires put on. He steps in when I need him the most. I may think at the time that I need him the most to do dishes or vaccum, but it's just small things that are not too significant.

I just got this email that I want to share (coincidence that I got it today!):

*Subject:* Dust if you must

Remember....a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

'A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the furniture.'

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally, I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I do not have to explain the 'condition' of my home They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must....... but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . .
with beer to drink, rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Good luck with whatever you do :)

1 mom found this helpful

I hate to say this, but How's your sex life. If men are happier in the bedroom they are always more pleasant and helpful. Just a fact of life. Other than that, you cant force him, but you can tell him that you are a Stay at Home "Mom", not housekeeper and that other than caring for the kids, laundry and dishes, etc are not in the job description. Then stop washing his laundry if he doesnt get with the program. Remind him that the 1950s were 50 years ago.

1 mom found this helpful

M. - my x hd was like that, we have 3 kids and 4 dogs at that time and I was a stay at home mom. He would get mad if there were dishes in the sink. We had a dishwasher and he said that I could of put the dishes in there etc. He figured that because he worked and I DIDN'T, I was responsible for everything inside the house. Well let me tell you, I got seriously depressed in 2001 and ended up in the hospital for 4 days, he HAD to become me for 4 days, and he was asking me on day 2 "When was I coming home?". At that time none of our children were school age either. They either get it or they don't. It is their mindsset and you cannot change them, that is why mine is my ex now, well that and he cheated on me, but that is a whole other book.

Kind regards
M. F

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WoW, my friend your are not alone! I had that problem w/ my husband. They all mean well but they're so caught up w/ their stuff (ie work) the just don't see it. The way I dealt w/ it was to be sneaky-I mean sometimes you got to be a B*tch about it, sorry that's a fact. I would go out of my way to do my kids stuff (laundry, dinner, shopping) and would purposely not get to his stuff. "Oh, you don't have clean underwear? Darn, did we mess the garbage again this week"? It sucks that you have to do that but many men can't see the forest thru the trees! You just have to hold out longer than he can. Eventually he'll get it, and don't be to proud you guys are in this together he just needs a little reality ck. (Maybe forget to pay the cable and have it get turned off-something that'll hit home and allow him to realize that although you ARE superwoman you need a break too! Don't fight this is a game of strategy!!
Funny, I read this email and thought you were talking about me! (2 boys-soon to be 3 &19 months but we have 2 cats & 3.5 dogs)- I know what ur workload is like honey! Good luck-remember don't get mad-get even:-)

1 mom found this helpful

I, too, have felt unappreciated many times. My husband and 14 year old son sometimes take me for granted. This is what has worked for me:
1- I make their lunches to go to work and school each day, and they never said thank you, would "forget" to put the ice pack away after so it was ready the next day, etc. So I went on a mini-strike. I announced one Sunday that because they didn't appreciate me making their lunches that they would have to do it for the week. I bought the food, it was in the fridge and the cabinet, but they would have to pack it. It worked! They were begging me to do it again. They were so appreciative then! It wears off now and again, but all I have to do is threaten to go on strike again, and they snap back in line! I have done this with laundry, too, because they would leave things in their pockets, or leave everything inside out making more work for me.
2 -When I'm making dinner, I'll leave the recycling cans or empty boxes on the counter. I'm not always good about doing the dishes in the sink that night. I do the dishes, my husband takes out the recycling and trash. So...just the other day, I said to my husband, "I'll do better about doing the dishes every night before bed, if you do better about taking out the recycling and trash." You know - - phrased that way, it worked! I think we're on day five now, and there are no dirty dishes in the sink, and no trash!
Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Loved Tammi's advice!

My husband doesn't do much housework (he works hard at his day job) either but he DOES do one major thing that saves me alot of time - grocery shopping! Every Saturday we create a list together and then he goes out to Walmart, Publix and Whole Foods. He does it in half the time that it would take me and probably saves money too (he doesn't "impulse" buy the way I do).

Maybe you guys can create a master list of household chores (as Tami did) and have him take a couple of things off your plate - whatever works best for your family.

Good luck.

I say that 90% of men are that way. My husband doesn't help out either.
They think that because we are stay at home moms it is all our job. I think it is pointless to even try with him. If he truly wanted to be helpful and show you how much he really cared he would have done it already. I believe it starts when they were children. Their mom did not instill in them the importance of work in the house to help out.

Now you know that your husband will not step up and help. All you really can do now is TRY to instill in your children the importance of helping out.
BUT remember that your children will be watching daddy and they might not want to help out because daddy isn't.

Good luck!

M.:

Maybe you can try buying a large desk top calendar. Write in all that you, each of your boys and you husband's schedule. Add in the household chores and divide them up amongst you. For example: Dogs walked him in the morning and you in the evening while he bathes the boys. You cook. He does dishes...each day of the week, so if he needs to help a friend...he can go to the calendar and see if he is free. We are all overwhelmed. When one is overwhelmed they usually get defensive and resentful. Just make it a family thing...add fun stuff and adult stuff too. Great Luck!!!
L.

All men are different. Believe me I know because I grew up with seven brothers and have been married three times. My first husband was a super neat freak and would do all the housework and I did the yard work. But we both worked jobs too. My second husband did the cooking and helped with the cleaning, but then again we both worked. My husband I am married to now will help if I ask. But he feels he works all day and I am home that he shouldn't have to come home and do housework during the week. But on the weekend he helps out.
Now I have a brother that works all week, does side jobs and his wife does not work and he still will do anything around the house she asks of him. He also does things without being asked. But yet I have another brother that works and his wife works and he won't lift a finger in the house. He says it's the womans place. Another brother doesn't work and his wife does but he leaves most of the housework for her to do. And I could go on about my other brothers and other men I know. So you see all men are different. You will have to learn what I did and lighten up. The house doesn't have to be cleaned every day. If you get the beds made, dishes done and the table cleared, chill out, you've done good. I missed out on doing a lot of things with my girls because I was a super neat freak. Everything had to be in it's place and floors mopped every day, bathroom cleaned every day, walls washed every month, etc....... Wish someone would have grabbed me and told me to chill out long ago. Now my girls are grown, but my house is clean but not super clean. I do keep the dishes done up and beds made every day. I work on the rest a little at a time. I don't freak out when my husband leaves something laying where it doesn't belong. I don't yell at my daughter about the mess her room is. She stays in it iI don't. I have learned to relax a little over the years and to enjoy life. A clean house if great but not if it means taking time away from the family. As the saying goes "It's Clean enough to be Healthy and Dirty enough to be Happy!" I always helped my sister in laws to clean there houses when I would visit. I helped my friends to clean too. Maybe you have a friend near by that can help you out once in awhile. Tell your husband that for now on you are going to clean what is necessary to be healthy and the rest will get done when it gets done. That if he wants it done sooner for him to do it. I understand where he's coming from because when you work a full time job you are tired when you get home and don't want to have to do more work. I was a single Mom for most of my girls lives and it was tough to keep the house spotless and work. Relax, enjoy your man, children and dogs. Love your husband for who he is and think about how hard things would be if he were to leave. Then you will realize having to do the housework alone isn't so bad after all. And I moved here with two little girls not knowing anyone and did it all on my own. But I learned one thing over the years. It's a lot easier to keep the house clean if you don't have a man or pets in the home.

I think everyone goes through this to some extent. Men go to work and they view that as their job and taking care of the kids and home is your job if you're a SAHM. What they don't realize is that working 9-5 is easier and when you leave work you get to relax...Moms don't get that chance to relax or have a moment. It took some time and it did seem like I was always hounding my husband to do something, but he is much better now. I asked him if we could talk without getting defensive and explained that he gets to go to the gym or have moments to himself in a day and I don't get that luxury. Once he realized what my day was like he began helping out more often. (He's not perfect, but none of us are :0). Another thing that might work is leaving him for a full day with both kids and letting him experience how much work it is. As far as cleaning goes...I always pick up while they are down for naps. (I have a 21 month and 3 month old and I work 2 days a week) Things aren't perfect and sometimes they are chaotic, but as long as you can communicate with your husband things will work out.

You are not alone girl! My husband doesn't lift a finger inside the house and it makes me feel like the unpaid maid too. I tried the following.
I told him I needed help with X and if he couldn't help me do it, I was going to hire someone who would. We couldn't really afford it either, but I thought this would light a fire under him. Wrong - still no help. So I called in a housekeeper and showed him the check every time it went out. I thought that would really get him, but still nothing. I did that for a couple of months with no results (hopefully your husband would be more receptive than mine). Unfortunately, we really couldn't afford to keep doing it so I finally gave up and resolved to do all of it. That means sometimes our house isn't the cleanest. I learned to just deal with it.
But maybe my plan will work for you! The more broke you are the harder it will hit him.

wish i could offer some kind of advice but truth be told, most men are like that! i go through it with my husband as well. i work my full time job and come home to work more. never understood why men always have to think that we don't have tough and overwhelming days! Hope things get better for you!

Do you admire the things he does right? You get more of what you admire.
I don't think you can force something and have everyone be happy- so find something to admire, and go from there.
I don't know about you but I love to do things for which I am appreciated, but not for which I am made wrong-
what we can do is change our way of approaching this and for me it produces magic,
best, k

Sounds like I wrote this entry!!! The only difference is that my boys are now 4 and 6 and I work. I would love to think that all men are like this, but the fact is that you will hear from many moms here on this site that have very helpful husbands. However, I would say that most of MY friends have husbands like ours! I have gotten to the point that I just don't bother. I will ask him to do something occasionally (sp), but not all the time. It isn't worth the trouble! I love my husband more than anything - he is my soul mate. I pray a lot and try to controll my emotions. As you know, with 2 boys it can be stressful and I hate to say it, but you haven't hit the hardest part yet. Once your youngest is really up and running and can compete with your oldest - it is on!

I know this wasn't advise, but just wanted to let you know that I believe that most households are like this! We as mothers just grin and bare it! Good luck to you!

Sorry to say, lots of them are just plain lazy. Or they were never taught to help at their parents house. It is now your time to teach him.:) Ask him if he can ...put down the screens while you do the windows? Or whatever you want him to do WHILE YOU DO SOMETHING ELSE. It sounds more like sharing than working, so he won't notice. Also ask him if he can do any given chore next Saturday...it sounds so far ahead he'll probably say "Sure", then remind him afterwards, before jumping to his friends help. And also teach your children to help putting away their toys, shoes, putting the clothes in the hamper, etc. It doesn't have to be perfect.

I read this somewhere, although I cannot remember where (I wish I did), asking instead of requesting does wonders. If you give your husband that choice to say no, it encourages him to think about the choice and do the "right" thing by saying yes. Instead of "Please walk the dog," which actually sounds very polite, you could say "Will you walk the dog in 5 minutes?" It works wonders on my husband. I feel like I do more around the house in one day than he will do in a lifetime, and when I start to complain I think, things could be worse. I am not being physically, emotionally, or mentally abused, and I have a home and food to eat. My son is happy, healthy, and safe, things could be much worse. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and be thankful for the things you do have and the things your husband does. Does he go to work everyday? Can he hold a job? Does he love you and your children? Is he abusive? Does he do nice things for you (rub your back, buy you flowers, watch chick flicks with you...)? If he is a wonderful husband who lacks a little in the helping department, just be thankful. Good Luck

I was just getting ready to post this same question! My husband does not do a thing around the house either. I am starting to resent him for it. I love him dearly. He is a very hard worker and a great provider but I am not his maid! I don't mind cleaning the house, but he leaves a mess where ever he goes. Drives me insane! We have a 1yr old who is into everything, and my husband will leave glasses half full on the coffe table waiting to be spilled on the floor. Leave his shorts on the floor with change in them so my child can choke on a penny! ugh..the list could go on. The only thing I ask him to do is take out the trash and he still doesn't even do that. I don't know how to get him to help either, so I feel like you. Taken for granted and unappreciated =(
I have tried the going on strike thing and it hasn't worked. I have tried talking to him about it and it hasn't worked. He tells me he pays all the bills so it is my job to take care of the house. very frustrating!!

Start using paper plates and making tv dinners....let his laundry pile up and tell him this is how you have to prioritize in order to get it all done. Start spending all your free time once the boys are in bed cleaning, doing dishes and getting ready for the next day. See if he notices where his help is needed. Why is he getting defensive anyway?? In the times we are in there aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done by yourself!! He should see that his help is needed. It takes everyone to help the family go and grow. He needs a sit down talk it seems. Good luck. Start leaving articles in the bathroom too (like this post!!).....maybe he'll get the hint. :)

Hi M.,
I am sorry, I am in the same boat as you. My husband does not do anything except if the dishes are rinsed, he will put it in the dishwasher. He will tell me plenty of times to do this or do that or move this (it will just take 5 minutes ..) but he doesn't do it. I have asked him nicely, fought, did not talk to him .. but ultimately I quit my job to stay at home and it is still hard to get everything done. My hubby has time to watch movies at least three nights a week (relaxing), and talk to friends and all that .. but not help me or kids with anything. I feel for granted and unappreciated .. he will even say .. you make everything sound like it is too much work (everyone in my house likes fresh and possibly hot lunch.. so just three meals for 5 of us and cleaning kitchen and laundry and getting homework done and driving them to activities but he thinks everything is so easy and no brainer). My kids now 10,7 and 7 are more help than him any day. I will try to see what others have written, may be I will get some advice to get things changed in my house too. I feel your pain.
Sorry I can't be any help to you.

Most men are like this. There was a good article in Parents mag about this. In the book "His Needs, Her Needs" it suggested Making a list of your chores and his chores. Of course, work on the list together. My husband liked doing the laundry so that was one of the things he did. He doesn't like to vacuum and sweep, so I did that. Men really don't have a clue, they'll just step over the toys on the floor instead of picking them up.

Yes I think 95% of men are like that. Most of my friends have the same complain. I lost the battle with my husband. I stop asking. They think that because you are home all day you need
to do everything. Just do what you can. Fighting is not going to change his mind. He is not going to listen to you. But he will listen to others about helping you. Maybe another man that does help his wife or the pastor of the church.

pretty much they are all like that. they want the kids the dogs but they do not want to help with them. \
and all men will do more for their friends and even help your friends before they will left a finger to do at theri own house--not sure why.
pretty much yes you are wasting your time. sorry just the cold hard facts.

I'm a SAHM also. It can be hard to get them to do some things around the house. But remember, being a SAHM is your job. While your husband goes out and works it's our job to keep the house. it doesn't need to be perfect. you don't have to clean EVERY day. I do my cleaning on the weekend one day and then i do the dishes and pickup every day it needs to be done. don't talk to him about it. they do get defensive. just ask him to do something. normally that will work. say "while i do ____ can you do ____?" my husband always tells me, if you don't ask, I don't know what needs to be done. i was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors this weekend and cleaned for about 4 hrs. while my husband sat on the couch the whole time. i had to stop to fix the kids lunch and get the snack, etc. that being said, he takes out the trash. cleans the cars, cuts the grass, gives the kids a bath most days, etc. it does get frustrating, i know, but do think on the positive side.

No!! Not all men are like this!!! My husband always helps out. If I cook then he does the dishes. If he cooks I do the dishes. Marriage is teamwork. So many marriages fail because people do not realize it is WORK! There has to be a balance. If one person feels like they ate balancing more than the other than those feelings need to be related. In a mature way. Even marital counseling helps. Doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. If you keep going on like this you will just stress yourself out and will finally just snap. Talk to your husband nicely.

He will never change by nagging him. Here's a book I would recommend.
http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Husband-Friday-Communicati...

It's good, but it will require changes and work on your part.