Family Asking for Money

Don't enable her. What, is she disabled, elderly... why does she need all this support? Does she really *need* it, or is she just bad with money? I'm not against helping at all, but... A $90 monthly phone bill for one person? That's even more than my husband and I who have two phones, and one of his is an iphone with internet. Lay it out that you offered to help her replace the old phone, not support her entire phone contract. Gently and calmly remind them the things you do to help.You know what, sometimes you just have to throw up your hands and walk away. See how much she realizes you do for her when you stop doing it. Stop supporting her. You don't even need to explain yourself to her or your brother, just ignore the nasty comments and move on. If you want to support her, then go ahead, but do it on your terms and don't get roped into the drama and extras.

10 moms found this helpful

First off - your M. is an adult. Unless she had some health crisis, you are not doing her any favors by doing stuff for her - paying her bills, to be specific. Helping out with the house stuff - yeah - that's great. But the bills - no way.

You are feeling unappreciated because you are. She is now EXPECTING it rather than being grateful for the help. The best thing you can do for her is give her a book on financial health - Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman - to help her get her financial life on track. She's 62 years old. She should KNOW how to handle money.

$90 a month for a CELL PHONE BILL??? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?! She can go to Wal-Mart and get a pay and go phone. Even MY cell phone bill is not $90 a month and I have a smart phone with internet and minutes and unlimited texting. $90 is a freaking cable bill!

So you asked what you should do?
1. continue to help repair things around the house.
2. give your M. a book or a class on financial responsibility.
3. tell your M. to go to Wal-Mart and get a pay and go phone.
4. tell your brother to mind his own business. Both of you need to stop enabling her.

I am sure that many will think that is mean and cold - but really. I am ALL for helping out my parents. I would do stuff for them if I lived closer. My parents do NOT expect financial help from their children.

9 moms found this helpful

Ah, the family guilt trip.

That's one trip you do NOT need to go on! If you feel that you do enough, then who cares what your brother says? Unless your mother is unable to do anything for herself, then you should only have to help her the way you have been.

If your M.'s cell phone got ruined, then why do you need a new plan? You should be able to replace the phone. And you can probably do so cheaply on ebay.

Otherwise get a pay-as-you-go plan. Set her up with a phone and a few prepaid cards. Once those are used up, it will be up to her to get more or be unable to use the phone. That way you're not stuck with a big bill each month, but if you WANT and are ABLE to help her out, then you could always purchase additional cards for her.

Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful

I would tell the brother that if he's so concerned he needs to pony up since you've done x, y, and z. Further, why does she need her own line? My M. has a pay as you go TracPhone. She uses it very little, but she has one in case she breaks down somewhere. She doesn't need a monthly plan. If she doesn't like it, she can figure it out on her own or she can ask your golden brother to help her.

My M. can never seem to keep money, either. Some of it is old debts and some of it is buying stupid little things. Some people can't resist a sale.

If you feel unappreciated by your M., tell her. If it's not a debt you want to take on, then don't. They can give you a guilt trip, but you have a family, too, and a cell phone is not life/death.

4 moms found this helpful

Please don't think I am being judgemental in my response--I do not mean it that way.

I feel that you and your brother are enabling your M.--she sounds co-dependent. I don't know her financial situation or if she has a house with payments or car payments or credit cards or medical bills so I can't tell you how to help her fix her finances. But I think both you and your brother need to sit down with her and go through her bills and bank statements and help her to see where her money goes every month. Help her to set up a budget maybe look into budget billing for her utilities.

If she is resistant to your help contact your county health and human services (social services). They should have a department that works with senior citizens.

She may qualify for senior low income housing. This is not assisted living but similar to any other low income housing but for 55 and older.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi. You didn't say whether or not your M. has any type of disability, but if not I'm really not understanding why she needs so much help. My M. is 59 and retired last year. She is still adjusting to living on a fixed income so I've helped her out a few times, that's it. I know we all love our moms and of course they did a lot to raise us and as they get older the right thing to do is to take care of them. However your M. really isn't that old. If there are no medical issues precluding her from working she may just need to work full time instead of part time, or forgo with certain things. I'm not trying to be harsh or cold so pls don't take it that way. I'm not sure how old you are but unless she started having children fairly young I assume you are no older than 40 and that your children are still young. Your time to take care of her has not come yet. I also assume that b/c you can't afford to do it, you are not rich ( don't we all wish!). She should understand that you have your family to raise. Have you ever talked to her about it? As for your brother, I would tell him that your finances are just that; yours. You will help when you can and no more and that it is none of his business. Why does she need a cell phone? She can get a land line only. Or just a basic plan. I just switched and pay 45 a month, pre-paid. She may need to do the same. Don't feel bad that you can't help more, you are obviously a great daughter. Good Luck!

3 moms found this helpful

Helping is one thing - providing is another. She needs to manager her money better and it's not on your shoulders to do that. My parents are in their mid 50's and they both still work full-time, pay their own bills, travel, etc. They would never ask me for money unless it's in a pinch, which has happened and I am happy to help.

My MIL asked my husband if we would mind paying her monthly internet bill. I immediately said no. I will never pay for anyone else to have a monthly bill. My thought was that his M. needed to maybe give a little less to whatever else she was paying if she wanted internet at home. That is NOT my responsibility to pay her bills.

When times were tough for my husband and I, my parents helped a lot (food, bills, gas, taking us out to get away from the stress, etc.) His M. sent us $400 one time and we have NEVER heard the end of it. I didn't know she sent it...so I had no knowledge of the deal between her and my husband, but it was not to pay her monthly bill. The $400 has long been paid back.

I'd stop helping period if that's the stance your M. and brother are going to take. At what point did it become acceptable for parents to become completely relaint on their kids? Maybe your M. needs assisted living.

3 moms found this helpful

"Sorry M. (and brother), we can't afford it."

3 moms found this helpful

You can go to WalMart and get her an inexpensive pay-as-you-go cell phone, I believe from Straight Talk, and it costs $35 a month. Tell her and your brother you will buy the phone, and pay for the first month, and then she is on her own to keep it activated each month. She will have to learn to manage if she needs the phone, fixed income or not (and I know of what I speak.) That is plenty and you don't need to feel guilty, you're doing what you can.

2 moms found this helpful

Why would her bill be $90 a month? I think you might need to look into getting her a new plan with a different carrier. Does she have data or texting? A normal phone bill for 1 person should be around $45-$50.

2 moms found this helpful

You really should call your provider about the max lines. When I started with Tmobile my line limit was four. When I asked about adding my dad they said five was fine. When I wanted to add a portable they said six was fine and apparently if I want to add another that is fine too. I think it has to do with three of the lines being data as well but it doesn't hurt to ask.

2 moms found this helpful

I would just do what you are doing. It isn't really your brothers business how you choose to help your mother. And you are doing it out of the goodness of your heart too. If your brother says anything else I'd tell him to MYOB, and if your M. continues to say how much your brother helps her, I'd ask her too "don't you think we help you a lot too, M.?" and then I'd proceed to let her know exactly how much you do for her. And tell her you love her too and you hope she appreciates that you are doing for her what you CAN do. And it really does sound like a lot.

2 moms found this helpful

I personally don't think it is a good idea to put anyone on your phone bill, unless you can afford to pay endless bills or an unlimited plan.

I would just pay for what you can afford and not worry about him and his wishes for you to do more. Let your brother know you pay what you can afford and that is between you and your mother.

As for your mother, it all depends on the relationship with her. If you are able to tell her that you help her all the time then mention it to her. Other than that, I wouldn't worry about it.

2 moms found this helpful

Verbatim what Cheryl said.

2 moms found this helpful

$90/month is a lot for a cell phone for someone who claims to need money! You can get a basic cell phone for a lot cheaper. I do love my iPhone, but if we were hard-up for money, I know I would have to switch to a basic phone with no e-mail/internet/texting and only use it for emergencies. It sounds to me like your M. expects you to do a lot for her, including a pricey cell phone plan!

I'm with you. Don't let your brother guilt trip you into paying for the phone bill every month if you can't afford to take it on.

2 moms found this helpful

um wow. really? i am so sorry you're even having to ask this question. apparently this is how it "is" in your family - in mine, adults stand on their own two feet. yes, occasionally as a young adult some of us have needed help at first, and there have been "situations" come up that we were able to help out in a time of need for our parents. but this sure isn't the norm. and we do it out of love and it's not questioned why we didn't do more.

her job was to raise you to be independant strong self sufficent adults. yours is to do the same for your children. anything else is just extra and should NEVER be taken for granted. it sounds like your brother is being kind of a jerk, and your M., bless her heart, needs to stand on her own two feet. there are prepaid plans for as little as $10 for a phone and you pay as you go so there is no limit to how cheap they can be. not to mention, a cell phone isn't necessarily a NECESSITY.

bottom line there is NO need for you to be going through this.

2 moms found this helpful

I would make a list of each thing I could remember that was helped with last year. Go month by month. Then sit down with your brother and show him the list. Talk to him about how M. is an adult making choices that perhaps she can't afford. She might need more of a "M., there are less expensive ways to do this" talk than someone supporting her financially.

2 moms found this helpful

Interesting, but typical with siblings who disagree on who does the most for M./dad. My mother is in her 60's and receives dialysis three days a week. She is a former nurse, no longer in the workforce. I literally have to FORCE her to take any money from me. I offer to help every now and then. She won't let me pay a bill or anything. She will let me buy her dinner, but refuses to ask me for financial help. If she asks, I know she REALLY needs the money. I am the oldest of two children. My brother's life is unproductive and he faces many struggles due to poor decision making, so he can't help himself, let alone our mother. It is always difficult to get someone to manage their money. Because it's there money, they can really do with it what they wish regardless of how we feel about their choices. However, when you have someone who disrespects their own money (i.e. overspending, living beyond their means, not saving, etc.) then they will have no respect for your money either. Now, when their mis-management impacts your finances, then you really have to firmly say no and move on. Don't let someone else dictate your money like that! Will they be upset? Likely, but that's for them to deal with. Sometimes people become dependent on other's to rescue them, so they don't change their habits. Don't enable your M.. Offer other ways to help her. Although, she might not be receptive or really understand.

Your M. should consider a less expensive plan that is within her budget. It's nice you want to help her, but you can't always sacrifice your finances for others. This is one time you are not able to help out. You and your husband are helping her in other ways as well. Help doesn't always need to be in the form of money. Don't let your brother make you feel guilty and if he's that concerned, he should just pick up this expense himself.

1 mom found this helpful

Does your cell phone provider offer Family Plans? Mine does (AT&T) I added a line for my Aunt for only $15 a month. She purchased her own phone :)

1 mom found this helpful

If you have a simple phone, no internet, no texting, simple calling it can cost way less. Sure it is not a fancy do everything phone BUT if she can not afford it she gets what she gets and does not complain. I believe for $20 bucks a month or pay as you go phones would be what I would offer to a parent who asked for help in that area. No offense to M. but sounds like she needs to stop asking so much, figure out what she can live on and lower her "needs/wants" to the reality of what she can afford OR others offer.

I have a hard time helping when the other person wants more, more, more and better, better, better. Yes you are family but EVERYONE needs to figure out what they can afford and then live within that means. Just because I want a BMW does not mean I will go ask the in-laws for it and there is no way we can afford it. Sure the phone is not as costly but I do not have a fancy phone or high phone bill, with cable, internet & cell bundled for 2 people we pay about $90 a month (and we are thinking the cell part is a little high for our taste since we did not have text or internet on our phones).

Stand your ground. They (M. & brother) seem like they are going to try a guilt you into something you are not comfortable doing. Do not let them do that, tell them this is what I can offer take it or leave it but that is it. Their feels may be hurt but seems like they already are not happy about the "lack" of money provided any way... the phone is not going to change that too much.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Ruby...you are not doing your M. or yourselves, any favors by continuing to "enable" her to live as she wants with no responsibilty on her part. Think of it as the same thing that you will have to do with your children as they become older...they need to be taught responsibilty and living within their means.
It sounds to me like your Mother should be able to accomplish most of that on her own if she is on Social Security and is working part time.
I would take this an an opportunity to discuss her finances with her...explain to her that there are a LOT of plans out there that cost a heck of a lot less than $90 a month!! ( We have 5 people on our family plan and the entire cost is less than $200 a month!). Unfortunately she is probably locked into this company for at least the next 2 years but that doesn't mean she can't change her plan to save her some money every month. If you and your brother are helping her...that gives you the right to discuss financial decisions with her!!
I am not telling you that this is going to be easy...because it isn't. I would be upset if my adult children had to come and talk to me about my spending habits...so she is probably not going to take this well. You need to approach it with a positive attitude...and a loving attitude...and be prepared for baby steps from your M. as she makes adjustments. The old saying...."You can't teach an old dog new tricks" is , unfortunately..pretty close to the truth!!

1 mom found this helpful

Families never cease to amaze me!

Time to cut the cord. Continue to help around the house, but I would not offer any more financial assitance to M.. If your brother makes any comments just tell him that he can do what he wants with his money and that he has no say in how you spend yours.

Your responsibility is to your family. I don't understand why her bill is $90 a month. That is way too expensive. Time to down size M.!

1 mom found this helpful

I would stop playing the "golden child" (your brother)/"scapegoat" (you) game with my M.. I would draw some clear boundaries as adults are entitled to do, even with their own parents, and let the parent live with whatever miffed feelings she/he may have.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. People who don't appreciate others typically don't respect that other people are entitled to their own lives, time, and money. Thus they can't recognize (and appreciate) when others *are* giving those precious resources to them.

JMO. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Completely agree with most of the pps; she is a working adult who needs to live within her means. She made her choices and has to live with the consequences.

Cautionary tale for you:
My grandMIL lived her life outside her means. She opened credit cards and maxed them without telling her husband, spent all the money she earned on 'stuff', and saved nothing. Her husband died when she was in her mid-60's. She moved to another city to be closer to her youngest daughter. Youngest daughter & hubby signed for the mortgage and make the payments. She continued her pattern of working, spending, and not saving. Fast forward 6 years. Daughter and hubby (who save/spend just like she does) are in a hole and started pressuring her to pay more of her own bills (she really paid none). Stress caused her shingles to flare up which led to debilitating health issues. Now she can't work. She barely has the money to buy groceries. Both of her daughters basically support her which means neither of them are saving for their own retirement. If she would cut back and simplify she would be ok, but she won't because "this is what she's used to". It's going to be a huge shock for her in another year or so when all the money runs out and she is forced to downsize. She's already miserable now due to the health issues and because she's dirt poor (we gave her sonic gc for xmas because that's now a big treat for her). It all could have been avoided if she'd lived within her means. We've told my MIL repeatedly that the cycle will not continue. We see how she lives (cruises, snow bird travel, shopping, shopping, shopping) and if there is nothing left when her husband dies she's not moving in with us and we're not supporting her. Choices have benefits and consequences, if more people understood that we'd all be a lot better off.

1 mom found this helpful

Im sorry this us happening. I know she is family and a little help now and then is a blessing. But.... I too have a open line on my cell phone plan and I was trying to be nice and it backfired on me. My mil moved to the country (to live rent free no less) so her coverage was bad. I said she could use that line and it would be 40 dollars a month. Done deal. Yep until she went over her minutes and her bill was 297 instead of 40. She had been told over a month it needed to be paid and yep, came to cut off date and she didn't. I was without a phone for 3 days because of her and I paid my damn bill. I was and still am furious. We don't get to help out very often and I was so excited to help and look what happened. His family is so used to my husband wiping their butts its not a problem to them. Well it is to me. Put your foot down and tell them your family must come first and you can't afford it. That's all there is to it. Good luck love.

1 mom found this helpful

what type of phone does she have? You can get a good plan at Walmart with unlimited mins for 45 a month. 90 is almost as much as I pay for my phone/ internet and cable . Just curious how come she needs all this help?i can understand the help fixing things but it sounds like she is freeloading and don't care for what you do.

1 mom found this helpful

Me personally I would not pay anything.. But I'm pretty sure our situations are different. My mother has absolutely no money management skills. She asks me for money every week, but some how she smokes cigarettes and drinks red bull shots and soda everyday.. I don't smoke nor drink energy drinks to where she spends 5-7 dollars a day on the drinks alone.. Not sure how much cigs are but I know their expensive.. So me, I would not pay anything...

1 mom found this helpful

Why does she have to have a cell phone costing $90 a month. She should have a phone she can afford. This is not your responsibility but hers. I think you have been very generous in wanting to replace it etc. Also, its none of your brother's business. If he feels compelled to pay that $90 then let him. Does he have more financial resources to help her more? Does he have kids? Your priority is your family. Stand up for yourselves and continue to do what you're able. The rest of the family doesn't appreciate it or think its not enough tough!!

1 mom found this helpful

Dave Ramsey [http://www.daveramsey.com]. You're right that you can't tell her anything; Dave calls it "the powdered butt syndrome" -- once somebody has powdered your butt (i.e., changed your diapers), they don't want to hear anything you have to say about money or sex. ;-) But that doesn't mean you have to continue to do what has been done in the past. You may attach some strings to your giving money, for example if she wants you to pay her phone bill (or give her other financial assistance), then she has to show you her budget (very likely, she won't), or have a financial accountability partner, or take a financial course, or read a financial book and tell you about it. She'll likely shrink back from any sort of accountability to her daughter, BUT, if she's in a bad financial situation, then you giving her money likely won't help, but may actually be hurting her, since a bad situation may be getting worse. For example, if she's spending all her money on stupid stuff from home shopping channels, or giving money to bogus charities, or she's spending her money on frivolous things while you're paying for necessities, then that's bad for her and she's got to stop for her own good. By paying for her necessities, you may be enabling her to avoid her own responsibility in these matters, and it very likely will get worse.

1 mom found this helpful

My M. is in the same boat as yours. I help her out all the time. It gets to be a big strain on my husband and me moneywise. As far as the phone goes. We got her an extra line on our plan when one of the kids moved out. She has had that for the past 2 years. She just returned it to me. Turns out she was able to get a phone that has 250 minutes free per month through either medicare or medicade because she is on disability. If your M. is on disability at all check that out. She might be able to get one through that program.

Everyone does what they can and comparisons are detrimental. If you can't swing the monthly bill then tell her you can't swing it. If your brother doesn't like it, then he can pay it.

Maybe your M. was trying to justify to you why your brother isn't helping with the phone as well. ? It is really hard to formulate any kind of opinion because there are just too may unknowns... How old is your M.? Why does she need you to replace her phone? Did she break her previous one? Drop it? Lose it? what? Why can she suddenly not afford to pay for the service plan (that I presume she has been paying for up until now)? Does she work? Is she widowed? In assisted living? Living alone? Does your brother live with her? Does she have any income? Is she an age where she could realistically work at all? Does she not manage money well? Does she ASK for the things you do for her, or do you just offer and she accepts? If you don't buy her a phone will she do without? Does she even NEED one? (does she have a landline?)
Just SO many things that affect how to look at this...

If it were me, I don't think I would sign up for a monthly expense without some input into what her budget looks like. If she isn't willing to "go there" (or YOU aren't willing to ask), then I wouldn't be paying a monthly bill. I'd offer what I wanted to offer (a new phone and activation fee?) and then let her decide if that worked for her or not. If not, oh well, I guess she'll figure the rest out on her own. Right? If you ARE willing to bring up the budget issue, then don't just go at it with critiques and corrections about what she is or isn't doing. Have a plan. A class to take together or something. You could even include one or two of your kids (if they are old enough). Dave Ramsey has an excellent class that talks about budgeting and living within your means. She might be more open to a class that you take together, than you giving her directions. just a thought.

my sisters and I help my M. with money so I know where you are coming from. This is more for unexpected expenses, not routine stuff. We each do what we can, it varies for all of us, and we don't question each other.
However my biggest issue with this is the $90 phone bill...I have a plan with 5 phones and it's about 140 a month.