Does Your Husband Do This? - Tacoma,WA

I suppose he could argue how inconsiderate YOU are for leaving the seat down, so that every time he goes in he has to put it back up.

LET IT GO, why on Earth would you spend more than three seconds being irritated about something so trivial :(

All three of my boys, young and old, put the seat AND the lid down. But, it doesn't really bother me that much if they don't. Not a battle worth fighting. NOT replacing the T paper roll, now THAT'S a different story, but even that I approach with humor.

:)

My husband puts the toilet seat down. I don't know why so many men think it is such a chore. IMO it sounds like he just doesn't want to do it. :/ Sorry you are having such a rough time.

Easy to put up, easy to put down. If I go in the middle of the night, I never assume. I'm just extra careful!
(why is it a man's responsibility to start the women's process of going to the bathroom?) Not trying to be snooty, but...the lid goes both ways!
Thank him for his service, and for your service on being a military wife/mom.
EDIT - the new 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule - don't ask a question if you don't want us to tell our opinions. Even if he doesn't go to counseling, maybe you can go on your own? You sound a little angry about several things going on. This is a place to vent and feel safe, but you also need to help yourself.

I understand that you are upset about the seat. True it is annoying, but is it all possible that you and your husband are having trouble communicating because of the deployment? Now is not the time to fighting over such little, and sometimes petty things. Now is the time to be loving, and caring, towards each other. He is only home for such a short time. You two need to take the time and effort to let things go for now and to just enjoy each other while you can. Have someone watch the kids and go out to dinner and just spend some quality time. You two fighting over who puts the seat up or down is such a LITTLE thing, why waste your time and energy over it?

Go do things as a family. Go to an Apple or Pumpkin patch and pick out some goodies and go home and decorate them together. Especially if he has to leave before the holiday. Make these two weeks something to remember. You need to, have to for the sake of your own sanity, and for your husbands through this tough time for him. It is SO tough for us wives when our husbands are gone. I know how you feel, mine was gone for a year too. But what we go through is NOTHING compared to what they have to go through, so if you can, give him some slack. Yes, he should be doing his duties as a husband and father etc, but his mind is most likely with the boys back overseas, hes probably worrying about it all still and it is up to you, your families etc to help him out of his funk for now. Help him have fun, and enjoy it. Take as many pictures as you can and have the most fun as you can.

Give yourselves a break from reality, go have some fun as a family, and as husband and wife, and just enjoy each other. No fighting, or arguing over the small stuff.

Love, not fight.

Hope you and your husband can reconnect while you can, and show him how much you really appreciate all the hard work he is doing. He might just need to feel appreciated. You wont ever, ever regret just having fun together. But you WILL regret it later, if all you do is fight.

Best wishes, and hug your soldier.

ADDED: I think you need to take a deep breath here. Do you realize how upset you are over a toilet seat one, and two you are angry again over another little thing.

Your husband not have a "hard" job according to you, but have YOU done it before? Have YOU had to sit and work in heat that can reach over 130 degrees? Have YOU had to go without a shower for days at a time? I am sure likely you have not. No job over seas is EASY. You will never know for sure.

I am sorry but I have to say it. You need to get over all this anger, and me stuff. You are letting yourself get too emotional over little things. Yes, it is a big thing to you but you are on the inside of things. Try breathing a min and look what stress you are bringing yourself. Its not good! You are going to give yourself a stroke over it all and then what?

Good griefies girl you need to be THANKFUL and not HATEFUL. Your husband is HOME, soooo many women WISH they were you. Dont you see that?? Some women wish they had your problems, your issues. But honestly some dont. Alot of womens husbands have been gone more times than yours, longer than yours and have come home with more things to deal with.

In the big picture, you are LUCKY. Now just be happy. Who cares if you have to do the wife thing and pick up after your husband. Everyone here does. Yours just seems worse because you are under extreme stress. You both need to sit down and tell each other that you love one another, kiss and make up. Forget about who does what and just BE with each other.

And if this is horrible for you, and this is how he is treating you now, then you better deal with it, or do something about it. Get counseling even if he doesnt. Your changed attitude will change his. He needs some positive energy from you, and he will follow.

"Easy" job or not give him a break! I dont want to sound mean or anything but you have 2 weeks with him, so make it as best as possible. Because when he leaves you have many more months of this and if something happens to him and he doesnt come back then you will regret these two awful weeks your both making it out to be the biggest regret of your life.

MAKE IT THE BEST YOU CAN! WHILE YOU CAN. Now get stop feeling sorry for yourself and MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Get off the computer and give him a hug and kiss.

Oh S., he is home on leave and you are worried about the toilet seat??? Much bigger worries in life (like your post yesterday about always screaming at your child). I know you are going through struggles right now and I'm sorry for that.

yes my husband leaves it up. But, it's really not a big deal to put it down myself. I always check first. It's one of those things that you have to pick your battles and the toilet seat really isn't all that big of a deal. My husband has also been deployed (ex marine) in the past and when they come home we really shouldn't nag them about stuff like the toilet seat. Give him a break! He just got home from war. You have no idea what he has been through

Mine does not leave it up, but I think the idea of "training" a man about that is a little offensive to him. There are more important things to make a big deal out of. It makes as much sense, to me, for a husband to train a wife to leave the toilet seat up when she's finished sitting on it.

Laurie A's "rule" is a fair middle-ground. Everyone leaves the seat and lid down. We can't do that since our cat drinks out of the bowl (he refuses a water dish and only uses toilet water, so we just keep it clean for him).

Or, you could try just leaving the seat up for him. He probably has a lot more on his mind if he's recently back from being deployed and toilet seats would certainly not be my biggest concern.

My husband pees with the seat down. If he ever gets any on the seat, he wipes it with the cleaning wipes we keep in the bathroom.

But really, I don't know how you moms deal when your husbands are away for long times. My husband isn't military, but I have a LOT of respect for military families... I couldn't IMAGINE what it would be like to be away from my husband so long! If I were you, I'd probably find it a little reminder that he's actually HOME right now when you have to put the seat down. Sure, you can say something to him, but it isn't a big deal. I'd focus PURELY and SIMPLY on the fact that he's HOME for now, and I'd be all over him (in the bedroom) and try not to have any negative memories to stay with us when he has to go again. Heck, I'd be all blissfully happy that my lover and best friend were back home, and I wouldn't give a s**t about the little things!

I thank you and your husband for his service.

Ummm, really? This is what is making you guys fight? Your husband was deployed!!!! Give the man a break. He was defending our country. Put the seat down yourself.
L.
After reading your SWH - I am sorry. I thought you were looking for advice, not to be correct. I was obviously mistaken.

Hubby leaves it up, and I don't care. I leave it down, and he doesn't care. It's just a non-issue with us - both of us just do what we need to do to use it. Everyone seems to argue that they should put it down so we don't have to, but couldn't the argument just as easily be that we should put it up when we are done so they don't have to? Who has the right to not have to "fix" the toilet seat?

I would be more concerned about his reaction and if he might have be having problems with anger management or just readjusting to civilian life. If he starts displaying similar behavior over other things and loses his temper easily, counseling might be indicated. But otherwise, there are so many other thing that are more important in life, it seems like a ridiculous thing to argue over. At least your husband is home safely.

ETA: Read your SWH - you and your hubby's problems are not about the toilet seat. It's much deeper than that. I hope you can work things out or decide if this is a marriage worth staying in.

I am the only female in our house, and everybody puts the seat and the lid down. I think it's a nice little thing a man can do for his wife. I hope you and your husband can work it out.

When the guys come home from deployment, frequently stupid fights like this rise up. Reconize it for what it is - this the stress of homecoming. Every time he comes home there is a process of re-integrating into the household. It is stressful and hard when you want to just relax and be together after so long. The best way to get through this faster is by talking about it calmly and for what it really is. You have been functioning as seperate adults and now have to come back together as a team. Get in teamwork, problem solving mode and be prepared to both give a little.

Good luck!

Deployments suck! (mine has been gone since july, this will be his 3rd long one)

Generally, men don't feel its part of the "process" to put the seat down.

You definately don't want your husband, or any man to aim for the center of a down seat.

I had just gotten up (middle of the night) to stand up and pee in the toilet. I raised the seat, but didn't put it back down. I had just gotten back to bed when my wife got up and sat on the cold porcelin. She gave out a startled yelp and then got up and put the seat down. I felt sorry for her, and from that time on, I sat down whenever I had to pee at home.

The hurt came when some 20 or so years later my wife said she thought I left the seat down because I couldn't stand and pee any more. NOT!!! When I told her I did it because I loved her and didn't want her to end up sitting on the porceiln. She finally(!!) said "Thank you".

My brother and his wife fought over the seat up or down issue. He finally said her using the toilet wasn't any more her right than it was his. He told her that if she would leave the seat up every time after she was finished, he woud put the seat down when he finished. She wouldn't and he wouldn't.

Good luck to you and yours.

ADDED: mamazita, MechanicMama, Mommy B. your husbands are truely LUCKY to be married to you.
Rebecca F. WONDERFUL answer. Your husband is lucky too.
I wish I could leave each of you a boquet.

S. P. the process is complete when the toilet is flushed. Seat up or down is immaterial. Yours wasn't a question. It was a rant.

I grew up with mostly men.
They used to tell me (when complaining about the seat)...."Well who says it's not you who's not putting the seat back up for us when you're done?"
LOL. My guy is pretty good, but if he forgets oh well. I have just learned through the years to check the seat before I go in.
There are bigger things in life to be upset over then a toilet seat.

S., it's not your job, it's his. But this sounds like a lot more than an issue about the toilet seat. It sounds like you two are having problems and this is just something for him to fight with you about.

It IS disrespectful for a man to leave up the seat. Some men just don't have enough respect for women in the household to do it. Some men just forget because they have other things on their mind. And some men, (your husband, from the sound of it) do it on purpose because they are angry at their spouses.

I hope you two figure out what's wrong and fix it before he leaves.

We always close the toilet before flushing because particles of water and whatever you just put in the toilet fly through the room---it gets on walls and the sink and YUCK!!!! So it's not an issue in our house because everybody puts the lid down before flushing. Tell your husband it's the sanitary thing to do.

Here's a link http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/germs-in-bath...

J. :-)

I don't like the seat OR lid up. That way there are fewer pee/poop germs floating through your bathroom and EVERYONE has to put something down. :)

Believe it or not all the boys in my house (3) pee sitting down :) so no toilet seat issues for us!

You might want to look back at my questions because I asked this too. I'm lucky that my husband and son ALWAYS put the seat back down so me and my 2 daughters never fall in! I think its just good manners, not only for our home, but when you are at someone elses too. We went to visit family and their seat was up after their 26 yo son was in there, I thought, yuck, I don't want to TOUCH the seat to put it down! I just think its a good habit and luckily I don't have that issue at my house! Good luck!!!

I really don't notice if the seat is up or down. If my husband or son left it up on accident I put it down before I pee. I guess I check before I go and I don't really stress about it. I think my husband sometimes leaves it up and my son ALWAYS leaves it up.

Our house rule is that the seat stays up. I'm often the only girl in the house for MONTHS at a time, and I don't want my seat peed on.

Haven't read your responses yet. It's not about the toilette seat - it's about his inability to do something for (I'm assuming) your comfort and well-being. He's refusing to put the seat down specifically for you - you said he puts it down when he uses the kids' bathroom? I've been married almost 20 years. I can honestly say my husband has forgotten to put the seat down maybe twice in all that time. One time was in the middle of the night. I used the bathroom after him and fell in. I have back issues. I've had back surgery. The last thing I need is to fall into the toilette like that. He felt so badly. It's about consideration for the other person. Your husband doesn't seem to be concerned about this.

Actually my husband does do this and before it would drive me crazy. We both work from 8-6 Monday - Saturday. We have 3 kids and honestly, this is not the end of the world. I understand what your saying, really how hard could it be right? But do you really want to argue with your husband over the toilet seat? I bet you miss him like crazy when he gets Deployed right so really who cares. Just be thankful that you have a man that works for his family and comes home to his family. We need to pick our battles because if not, your always going to be arguing over silly things. I think you need to find more important things to be upset about. Good luck and hope everything works out!

My husband does not leave the seat up, even though he, too was in the military. In fact what he taught all of us is to CLOSE the lid. After all, it is a container. We open it. When we are done, CLOSE IT. So it is not a matter of leaving the seat up or down, it is a matter of all of us CLOSING the toilet after OPENING it and using it.

When they are not in this habit, they will do it at other people's homes as well, and it is not polite (as he explained it) to open the toilet up then just leave it as this big gaping (sometimes dirty) hole. So - he taught ME and the kids...

So here is an idea... Put a pretty thick, nappy lid cover on it, which may make the lid not stay up on its own. He'll have to hold the lid/seat up with one hand and it will automatically fall down when he is done.

You could also use the unhygienic/unsightly logic with him. IT IS NOT SANITARY to leave the lid up! So BOTH OF YOU need to close the toilet back up.

I have 2 boys in my house. Husband and son.
They- pee with the seat down, they aim well,... THEN they WIPE the seat, after they pee... IF there are splatters on it. Which is rare.
I NEVER have to nag them about it. They just do it.
They are considerate.
I never encounter a wet seat. Nor my daughter.

I wonder if your Husband... is simply really stressed/out of sync, because he just got home from being deployed? So he is just, not really adjusted to domesticity, yet. He was in a different world and time frame and situation previously.

Our rule in the house is that the toilet "lid" should never be left up.. This way we ALL have to put a seat and lid down or the lid down. Male or female.
It can be a safety thing if you have young children in or visiting your home.

Obviously, he just is not in the mood to be told what to do. I guess after not having freedom to do what he wants while deployed, he is acting like a toddler and saying no.. He wants some control..

EVERYONE in our family is expected to close the toilet lid - seat included in that. When you flush, nasty toilet water droplets can fly across the room! Not to mention I don't want our dog or cats drinking from the toilet water.

My husband stopping leaving the toilet seat up when one of our daughters got up to pee one night, fell in, and couldn't get out ;) He felt like such a jerk! Hasn't happened since :)

toilet seat goes down all the time....theyre always yelling at me about the toiler because i constantly leave the toddlers training seat on it....she hates the small potty....
the real problem is getting them to flush at night....

Nope- you're right. When you're done with the toilet, close all lids. End of story.No Discussion needed.

Mine thinks it's GROSS (germs) to leave it up. It just invites the dogs....ewww!

He never leaves it up. He sees it like leaving the oven or frig door open. Would he leave THOSE things open?

Mine leaves it up. It's some neanderthal thing that he doesnt want to grow out of and I think is some sort of "marking the territory" type of thing. I'm aware and always make sure it's down if I pee in the night. Yep, I've fallen in a few times.
He closes the seat and the lid when we are at someone elses house tho! So he knows the difference. I think he does this because he knows that one day if he were gone, I'd be wishing he was here leaving the seat up. He's a goof ball.

In our home, everyone has the same responsibility. From the oldest to the youngest, the rule is to put the seat AND THE LID down after using the toilet. There is no rule for male or female. My husband and I agree, there is nothing more disgusting than a yawning toilet bowl. I don't think my husband has ever left the seat up.

Mine keeps it up. It doesn't bother me if its left up. I figure that he puts it up and I put it down then we both had to do something to the seat so its like a win win.
Stop doing so much for him. You should stop doing his laundry for awhile and he can do it. Sometimes I get so irritated for the hubby not helping that I will leave his laundry in the basement fo him to do. I won't tell him and then he runs out of clean clothes.

At our house we both close the toilet after using it. If my husband uses it he puts both the seat and lid down. If I use it I put the lid down. We think the bathroom just looks nicer with the toilet closed. That way we both "close" the toilet.

IMO they can pee with the lid up or down as they can sit or stand. i can only do it one way. so either we all sit and keep the lid down or they put it back the way they found it

I don't pee all over the toilet, so I don't touch it. I dont clean it. I don't even clean the bathroom floor. Men are so gross. My husband knows it's his nasty mess to clean up. I am not touching the seat to put it down.
In your case, I think the deployment is key. He sounds irritable and argumentative. I don't know if maybe he's having trouble adjusting or he is upset about being away from yall or what. But it sounds like he could use some of the resources that are available to military families. He's splitting his time between 2 completely differant worlds. That has to be unsettling.

Just ask that there be a house rule that the toilet be closed, lid and all, after anyone uses the bathroom. Then it's EVERYONE'S responsibility.

We keep ours closed or the kitten will fall right in. She jumps from the toilet to the sink when she's thirsty. :o)

Tell him that it's common courtesy to leave things as you find them. If he doesn't remember the definition here it is: "The showing of politeness in one's attitude and behavior toward others."

After being hospitalized with a very contagious disease, I've been reading about germs in our house. I just read how if we leave the seat up when we flush, the bacteria in the water flies through the air and goes everywhere in the bath room! If you have towels or toothbrushes or sink faucets any where near your toilet it is important to put the LID down when you flush. IF you have small children who touch the walls near the toilet and then touch their faces it is important to put the LID down when you flush!
But if you are working and he is home then you have a lot more problems than the toilet. I hope you can get help and support and bring your marriage back to the way (I assume) it was when you married. Tell him you feel unloved, and that is making you sad because you love him so much and you loved the way things used to be and want to regain that closeness, that you want to go to counseling Not because he's doing things wrong but because you want to make your marriage as beautiful as it once was. Completely change how you are going about asking for counseling, stop listing what is wrong with your marriage - that is a discussion to have WITH the support of a trained counselor, not without. Just work on sweet talking him into going, dont work on anything else, I assume you two have kids together and you owe it to them to try to work on this marriage if he will. Good luck

S., after reading all you wroet here , it really sounds like your husband doesn't really want a wife, but he wants a maid. I don't know what to do about that.

For him, putting down the seat is like showing you that you are important. But he doesn't want you to think that he is. I feel bad for you.

I have to agree with your husband here, why is it any harder for you to do it than him. I always check before I sit. I have never even thought about asking him to put it down, let alone calling him out on it like it is some kind of big thing. I mean seriously, let it go.

OH, and just because he does not get shot at does not mean that deployments all of a sudden become easy. It is hard for someone to be away from family, in a strange place, for so long, only to come home and have their wife freak out about a stupid toilet seat! My husband is also a mechanic in the military.

You guys might have bigger issues than the toilet seat.

I think it's disrespectful (and self centered) for males to not put the seat back down. (It's in the same league as not cleaning up after themselves or not putting there own dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor.) But, it does occasionally happen in my house because he forgets. As long as it's not an _always_ thing, I let it go.

The bigger issue is your husband flipping out when you asked him to put it down. There is some serious stress there, and maybe he should talk to someone (i.e., a counselor) about it before it gets worse.

In my house we close the toilet completely. Everyone does the same thing when they are done and there are no issues. Maybe you just change it to close the toilet completely. As a cleanliness issue?

But I guess that wasn't your question. Yes I would be upset if my husband acted like that but you didn't really say how you said it to him. Did you ask him or did you TELL him? I think a lot of times if we use a different approach we get different results.

First how long has he been home? If he just returned home, chose your
battles. What is he doing now. Working, unemployed. Still in the service?
I think he might be having trouble readjusting. You say he did do anything
over there. Are you serious? He was gone, away from home. I think there
may be more to the story here. Should he put the set down yeah, but really
in the scheme of life, how important is it?

I have convinced my husband - and sons - and daughter for that matter, to put the seat AND THE LID down after using the toilet. I just don't like the way it looks when it's open. But it has a practical purpose as well... when visiting my mother, who purposely leaves the lid open so her dog can drink out of the toilet (Ick!) my 18 month old son fell into her toilet, head first and couldn't get himself out. He could have drowned. I no longer have small children in the house, but I still like having the lid down. It has the side benefit of reducing arguments - I have to open and close it whenever I use it as well. I'm not asking anyone to do anything I'm not willing to do myself.

Like I said, seats and lids go down at my house, but whenever my husband returned from deployment I had to re-train him. The weirdest thing, though, is he rarely puts the seat back down when we're in hotel rooms. Wouldn't you think it would just be a habit for him after 27 years?! I don't get it. And I don't really enjoy it when I fall into the hotel toilet in the middle of the night!

Hi S.,

I think you're right about this issue! When I lived at home, I would from time to time slip in and have my butt hit the toliet water! Yuck.... thanks to my brothers for leaving the seat up in the middle of night. Luckily, my MIL trained my husband well and he always puts the seat back down AND the cover. It looks a lot nicer that way, too. When visitors use our bathroom, if it's a guy, the seat is almost always UP when they leave the bathroom! My dog will jump at this opportunity to slurp up toliet water and then drool all the way out of the bathroom! I am sorry you are having a difficult time with him contributing in the ways that you described. Good luck to you on working on these issues. (Keeping a house tidy is a busy job for me already and my husband does clean up after himself. So it must be crazy for you if you have to pick up after your husband, too!)

I agree with you. I get just as pissed at my husband for it.

If the seat is closed when he gets in the bathroom, it should be closed when he leaves. Easy peasy.

I personally find it disgusting when the seat is up. I don't want to touch the seat after he's peed in there. It's bad enough I have to do it with my 3 year old son. My husband pretty much always puts the seat down. When it gets left up is when my FIL or BIL has been here. Even worse! But, if your husband has never done this before, why now? There must be more to this, in his mind, than meets the eye.

Whether or not someone leaves the seat up is just an esthetic matter. What is more important is always to put the lid down (which obviously means having the seat down first) before flusning. This is a serious hygiene issue. When a toilet is flushed a fine mist is created. This can be blown up to 20 feet away. This means that droplets of dilute urine (or worse) get deposited all over the bathroom. The "worse" is that a mist of fecal bacteria gets deposited all over the bathroom. So remember, if you leave the lid up, the toothbrushes get it!

My husband always puts the seat back down. He 'gets onto' his workers who come here and don't put it down. Lol. Been with him 21 years. He has never left it up.

I agree with you, he should put it down out of common courtesy especially after all the things you do for him that he could totally do for his self. On the other hand it could be worse, I grew up with two brothers who never put the seat up and had very bad aim ewwww gross I know. Remind him that the things you do for him, you do because you love and appreciate him not because you have to.

For the record - I think you are right. In reality - this is small - let it go.