Does Anyone Else Feel Guilty About 'Santa'?

Ditto to all the responses so far...I knew 11 year olds that were adamant in their belief that a good chunk of their presents came from a big man in a red suit that slid down their chimney. Their parents went to such extensive lengths to convince them. Not something I would personally do...

Yes, your arguments are wonderful in a perfect world. However, there's very little magic in this life. Some families prefer to give their children that sense of wonder and magic to hang on to, and parents do it because it was special to them. I know some very religious folk who don't teach Santa or the Easter bunny and the magic for them is purely biblical, and that's great, too. Except that it's kind of hard to be that one kid who doesn't believe among all the friends who do. It's kind of hard to be that one kid that feels silly when adults try to talk down to them when they already know the truth. My children receive only one or two gifts from Santa and the rest are from us. If my child had asked that question, I would have responded that it would be the only present their PARENTS could give, but that Santa visits all children.

My church's children's worship has adopted a family of six children and a mom -- the dad abandoned them several weeks ago, taking everything -- even food stamps and welfare checks. So my family "adopted" the 6 year old by fulfilling her Christmas wish list -- my children understand that we aren't helping Santa, we're helping the mom.

You don't *have* to fall into the Santa trap.

I don't do Santa in my home.

Obviously, it's up to you, but why place your adult understanding of all of the woes and worries of the world onto a preschooler? Yes, children should be taught empathy, and generosity should be encouraged. These are the foundations of civilized society. But I do also think there should be room for magic and wonder in a child's life if you're able to provide this on one morning per year. Feeling guilty about allowing Santa to fill a stocking on Christmas morning is like feeling guilty for feeding your child nutritious food when some children don't have access to that. To my mind, you can parent with a conscience without taking all of the fun out of life for your child. Nobody says Santa has to bring a Rolex for little Timmy. In our house, Santa brings an orange, a candy cane, and one or two small things that fit inside the stocking - nothing lavish. But the excitement and enjoyment the kids get from this tradition is priceless to me. On December 26, we can go back to being depressed about poverty, can't we?

We don't do Santa. I do stockings, baskets at Easter, still leave money under the pillow....but my kids know its all in fun. The also know God is the only thing they cant see and believe in.

Each of my girls took a name from the Angel Tree to provide gifts for kids their ages. They love to do this.

My kids know about the real Santa Claus, Saint Nickolas from Myrna (Turkey), and how he was so generous to the poor. How he would leave gifts anonymously so that no one would know who left them. They also know what each symbol of Santa Claus means, him, his reindeer, his sleigh, and the stockings we hang. They know he is not real today, but that his spirit is still real if we allow it to be. They still hang their stockings, they still put reindeer food out, they still hang a key for Santa to get in the house, and they still leave milk and cookies, but they know that we have to be like Santa was.

I tell DD that when we take ornaments on the church's angel tree and buy things for others, we are helping others have a better Christmas. I have not said this is the ONLY way they are getting Christmas. I understand what they guy running the event meant, but his words are more appropriate for an older audience. It may be that 3 is too young for your son to participate in charity in this way. You could choose an angel tree or you could do something online until he is older. I think 3 is a little young to burden him with how unfortunate others are. My DD, who is 4, somehow got it into her head that when she was in time out, I didn't love her (I assure you, I love her to pieces). Kids process weird things. It doesn't prevent YOU from doing something nice or participating, but maybe save his direct participation til he understands more - so you don't need to feel guilty about Santa and you can still do your charitable acts.

I personally don't emphasize that Santa is watching you/you better be good. I'm not going to fill her stocking with coal, so why threaten? And I want her to be good all year, not just starting Dec. 1.

When my SD was about 11, her belief in Santa ended. I was wrapping angel tree gifts and said, "I believe in Santa." She got the hint. Santa exists - when you are a little kid, he drives a sleigh and has magic elves and reindeer and when you are older, he is someone like you with a kind heart who wraps a present for a stranger she will never meet.

Because of the questions you asked here we never told our kids there was a Santa. If they thought there was we didn't say there wasn't but we stressed that God 'watches over them' and 'Sees all' not Santa. I think it is better to teach what you said that we need to help the poor and needy which maybe the original St. Nick tried to do, not sure. We can do this not just at Christmas though. Good you are taking your son to see others needs and teaching him to help them. It's more blessed to give than to receive is true.

Wow! That was a tough one. I think I would have told my son that some kids don't have a home for santa to bring the gifts to and that's why we were bringing them their gifts - Santa sent them to us because he knew we knew where they were.

Your son's question is a good, thoughtful one. It was a good teaching/learning opportunity.

Your son has asked a deeply philosophical question. Good for him!

Truth of the matter is, those with less are often perceived as less worthy by society. And, a lot of people, and a lot of cultures, over time have grappled with the discrepancies of economic classes. Most religions address the issue, whether it is described as karma or "The meek shall inherit the Earth." Your son is starting to make his own theory of how all of this works.

What do I have? How did I obtain it? What do others have? Did they "earn" what they have? What is fair? How do I feel about myself when pondering these issues?

One year I made a lot of contributions to charities at Christmas time. I had told myself that since I had so much that particular year, I had enough to share. With some reflection, I found that there was an issue in my life that I had been feeling guilty about (and with a few years behind me now, I see I had no reason to feel that way!), and that I was trying to find redemption. I did make me feel better, but I needed to work out the issue to dispel the feelings.

Perhaps you, by chance, feel a bit guilty in general, and that's why you were taking your son to show him that giving is important. You are doing the right thing, but your son happened to stumble upon how you are feeling, and his comment brought up those feelings to the forefront. Breathe. That's okay. They are there, and now you can acknowledge them and just notice them. At some point, you will know what to do to bring relief to yourself regarding those feelings.

The belief in Santa is a gift parents can give to their children. It is a gift of imagination and fun. People rich and poor participate. How it is celebrated in one's home demonstrates the creativity of the parents. It need not be expensive, and it need not be "I bought you this; there's no Santa."

The manner in which the charity official was thanking you didn't hit the mark. It seems like a feeble attempt to have people donate even more since you have already shown your willingness. Perhaps in the future you donate without staying for the "thank you."

It's becoming more and more clear to me that the "He knows when you are sleeping" is to help with the hyper behavior kids have at this time of year. Wow! Talk about excited! And hard to go to sleep! And hard to sit still at school! It almost seems like a delayed bribe. It could also tie into the "Good=heaven; bad=hell" dualism. Behave or you're in trouble. If you don't like that part of the Santa legacy, eliminate that aspect.

At some point this will evolve to, "We (people) are Santa. We are being Santa when we buy gifts and perform random acts of kindness for others."

When he gets older, you can explain how the idea of Santa was taken over by advertising executives to sell products.

Also when he gets a bit older, you can introduce him to fairness in society and point out how some in society do treat the poor as "naughty" by the kinds of conditions that are placed upon them with taxation and other laws. I plan to be the person to explain social injustice to my kid.

In the meantime, enjoy your role as Santa. It is not your fault not everyone has all of his or her needs met. You have given your son the gift of giving to others. Take care of your sphere of influence.

Merry Christmas.

I don't think it teaches that good behavior is rewarded with gifts, it teaches that bad behavior is not rewarded. Perhaps not understanding that is why you are having so much trouble explaining this to your son.

Or did you forget to tell your son that you were Santa's helpers? Did you not tell him that Santa is one man with a huge job so people go out and make sure no one is missed?

My kids have worked with these programs all their life. When they were young they would tell you, did you know not all kids have fire places? Silly kid things like that. They know there are so many variables that it is amazing that Santa manages any kids at all. They would tell you that they help Santa make sure all kids get a gift. They would also tell you that reindeer prefer carrots with the green stuff still attached. They would explain that Santa only has seven reindeer so it is very important that they get snacks to keep their energy up.

So to answer your question we don't teach our children that good behavior is rewarded in gifts, we teach that bad behavior is never rewarded and I think that is a huge difference.

We raised our family to know Santa but that Christmas is about Christ and He is the center. Santa is just for fun. So we don't speak of the naughty and nice. They believe there is a " Claus " and we don't see it but it is there to bring a spirit of christmas to the holiday but that it is not the focus of the holiday. With that understood, We share that the Lord brings others such as families who can provide and / or santa to provide for them if they are unfortuante to provide. We can be their santa. or we can be sharing Christ in them if they are unbelievers.
I have debated for years to decide should I tell them santa is not real ? Well in a way this is an opportunity to share a certain way to give in a secretive way, but as far as the Celebration of Christmas, that is Christ.

I'm with you! My husband convinced me to do the whole Santa thing with our 4 year old, but I'm not sold.

My son has a pen pal in Africa, and last year he wanted to send his friend a picture of himself with the mall Santa. The boy wrote back "who is Santa?" That was a tough one to explain!

We don't "do" Santa, but we don't discourage it because he's everywhere. And he was a real person. I've let my son enjoy the fun of it, but I talk about the Christmas spirit, and the STORY of Santa, etc. I don't know if he gets it or not, but when kids ask you questions like your son did, pretending he's really real backfires. It also backfires when someone looses a job and there is no money for lots of presents, etc. What do you tell your kids then? It's just easier to enjoy the story so when reality hits, you don't have to dig yourself out of it. It's a bit tougher to balance the story and the marketing blitz that is Santa.

Actually, I don't think I ever equated Santa with good/bad. Santa was just make-believe magic in a world full of reality, which kids will have plenty of time to experience throughout most of their lives.

It's nice that you care so much for those less fortunate than you and your family, but it's still possible to pretend and be joyful, even in a world that's full of pain and horror. We could all go around being miserable, but I'm not sure how that would help those who are struggling financially.

What Hell on Heels said.

I have the same trouble. My kid is only two, but your child is a thinker, that's good. I remember when I found out santa was not "real" I was liked "My parents lied to me! how many other things have they lied about"...(my parents didn't "lie" any other time I remember, but that's what I thought). I do not want my child feeling I lied to him. so we are doing something of a medium. Santa is real as Mikey Mouse is real, and people dress up like him and kids sit on his lap and talk to him, and its a lot of fun. He also brings presents...but I am going to tell him something about a santa game, that we he will get presents from santa, but really we got them, we just like to do a Santa game for fun of Christmas. Or something like that. Have not figured it out yet...but anyway we got at least another year I hope :)

Nope.
Your son drew a conclusion : nice = gifts, naughty = no gifts.
But sometimes being nice does not get you rewards and I think we've all seen some pretty rotten kids get showered with every conceivable toy.
The world is a pretty complicated place and Santa is a simple idea.
Santa was never meant to explain why some people have much while others have nothing.
It's one thing to give a heart felt gift to someone who never expected it.
(By the way, what ever happened to the idea where people had too much pride to accept charity?)
It's another to feel obligated to give something to someone who demands, expects, guilt's you into giving it.
By giving to charity, people are hoping they are earning brownie points to get them into heaven, to balance a sense of karma, etc.
Isn't the giver hoping for some sort of cosmic reward?
And then I look at the contents of your basic toy store and think
"Really? My soul's positive or negative score depends on redistributing this plastic junk to people most of whom will not even remember it 3 months from now?".
That goes for everyone.
Seriously - of all the buying and wrapping and giving you give to friends and family on an annual basis - how much of it does anyone remember come March?
A few things, maybe.
Give it a year or two and most of what ever you gave them this year will have to be donated to make room for more 'stuff' NEXT Christmas.
Whole industries and economies are based on consumerism.
You want to talk about economic resources, the impact on the environment, the energy it takes to run the factories, the filling up of land fills, the child labor in Asia that builds this stuff for pennies a day, the resources it takes to transport and ship this stuff all over the globe?
I don't think any 3 yr old is ready for THAT conversation.
There are quite a few adults who aren't ready for it either.
Don't be blaming any of this on Santa.