Disciplining 19 Mo Old Twins

Hi S..

I have 11 mth old twin boys. My twins used to cry like that but after feeding them and changing them and giving them bottles, if they are still crying, they have to either go into their play-yard or crib and I let them cry themselves to sleep. They have since been broken out of the tantrums b/c they know it won't get them anywhere with me. It is difficult to do at first but after a couple of days of them crying without a response from you, they will know they can't get attention that way and they will stop.

I have a three year old son and twin 14 month old boys! I very much feel for you and your fustration! My husband and i work opposite shifts so we can keep them out of daycare (who can afford daycare for three anyway!!!) Although you hear a lot of snickering from people who do not have kids about time out...that is the ONLY thing that works in my house. The spankings are here for a second then gone as if nothing ever happend! My kids get the time out, and then the lecture (this really gets to my 3 year old) my 1st rule when it comes to the tantrums and whining is "not in MY room" if you think you must fuss..then your need to go to your room! the living room is mine, the kitchen is mine, the bathroom is mine, you have to go to your room! The only reason they are doing it is to get a response out of you. if they are where no one can hear them then they will decide that there is no point in it! If they decide to go to their room but just get louder...turn the radio on and have a dance party with the other child! Make sure they are in a safe place...for my twins they go to their cribs to throw a fit. Once they are finished with their fit they can come out but only after getting the lecture. Very similar to the Nanny approach. Why were you in time out...or why were you throwing a fit and then we discuss why we don;t do that or an alternative way to get the things we want. "to get more juice you have to ask momma for more juice." then make him say i need more juice please or do the sign for more (this is what my twins do at this point) but guide them into the way you want them to do things. I think we often forget this part when we are punishing our kids....we tell them no but we don;t tell them what is ok! And of course we always end the lecuture with i love you and a hug and then...very important...IT IS OVER! Do not hold it over their heads. mean what you say! and be consistent! if the fit begins again in five minutes, do it all over again as if if never happened the first time. Eventually they will get the point! Good luck and God bless! I do wish we were closer and could have a play date...

S.,
I'm so sorry your goign thru this- I am going thru the exact same thing with my 22 month old. IS there a possiblity they coudl have food intolerances? I know milk can really affect behaviour..I am currently in the process of having a wheat and casein sensitivity tested on my 3rd son (22 mos) - Just ofund out my oldest (7) is allergic to jsut about everything-try putting a probiotic in thier juice or water - or just mix it in a small amount and feed it to them with a medicine dropper ( culterelle is good)
and unfortunately--- they may just me getting ready for thier terrible twos....for my older two boys- it was more age 3- but baby boy #3 has been acting this way since he was about 18 months old...it's exhausting...I'm so sorry that you are going thru this alone- is there any chance you could have the food allergy test done (or maybe take away milk and milk products for about 4 or 5 days just to see if it makes a difference) or any way that you could inlist the help of a preteen in your neighborhood? Have her come over after school for like an hour or so (motherhelper)- also are you involved in any playgroups or can they go to a mothers morning out a couple times a week?
Remember too if you feel stressed out- so will they- try to get someone to come help you a couple times a week- you'll be amazed at how much it can help.
Also- my baby boy doesnt speak much yet- and Iknow this can be very frustrating...I have been using a few signs with him since he was 10 months old and he just started using them about a month ago-(like all done, up please, and a few others) let me know if you have any more questions.
Good lUck- hang in there- your not failing-motherhood is not easy!!
Nikki

The only way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it. It may take them a while to stop screaming. But they will eventually stop. Walk away and do whatever it is you need to do and ignore them while they are throwing fits. And I know it may sound cruel, but in those moments when you can take no more, put them in there room, close the door, and you go to your room and get yourself together. Right now you're doing it by yourself. So if you need to take 20 minutes in the middle of their tantrums to close the door and find some peace, do it! If you let yourself go crazy, you won't be any good to them. And once they see that the screaming fits aren't getting them what they want, they'll stop. Stay strong.

S.,
This is B.(deaffmommie). First off, i would like to say "Thank you" to your hubby for serving and keeping America safe.

Next your boys: This is the beginning of the 'terrible twos"... They are not vocal enough to communicate effectively with you about their needs, so they are frustrated.

Have you thought about using some basic Sign language with them? Babies can sign as young as 6 months old if exposed to it.

There is a book called Love and Logic and I really like it.

It teaches the children that there are natural consequences to their actions. You throw the cup, no more cup. You won't walk to the kitchen, mom won't carry you.

You whine for what you want, Mom can't understand whining.

that is where the ASL can come into play. Ask them if they want to eat by touching the corner of your mouth with all you fingers on your thumb. that is the sign for food or eat.

ask if they need a diaper by tapping your fingers to your thumbs at your waist. that is the sign for diaper.

What about their nap schedule? Are the boys still getting a nap in the afternoon?

Have you tried some simple art projects with construction paper and glue. (You apply the glue) and hand them what you want glued... the blue square on the red paper. Three green circles on the yellow paper.

I would take them to the park and have them play for an hour and get them tired. Take them home and feed them lunch... down for a nap.

snack in the afternoon while you cook dinner.

You can email me off list if you like and ask me more ideas on keeping them busy
bar345ing AT yahoo DOT com

HTH,
B.
deaffmommie

Where do you live? There is a park near my home where i take my 2 1/2 year old to wear her out. Could your boys be reacting to your stress? I would be stressed with twins and husband overseas! relax! You are not a bad mom because this is hard for you. Motherhood is hard with out extra challenges. Let me know if you live close to cartersville ga, maybe we could go to the park with the kids. I'd love to meet new friends and I know my girls would.
L.

S.-
Just take a deep breath. Sometimes we have to place ourselves in time out too (not bc we are bad but bc we need to breathe).

I would suggest like others- use time out- use their age to determine the length (usually). Since they are almost 2, 2 minutes. And consistency is key. I sometimes give my 2 1/2 yr old daughter the chance to 'stop crying' or she is going to time out. She stops (they CAN control that too)-- and IMMEDIATELY I thank her for listening. I dry her tears and blow her nose. But I THANK HER FOR LISTENING-- immediately. Stay on top of it. Then divert- have a snack, go color, go outside,whatever-- and if one stops but not the other-- put the one who does not stop the tantrum in time out. YOU MEAN BUSINESS. Also- remember to try to keep your tone calm. IF you do scream or yell or seem upset-- it is SOOO important to say to your child -- I am sorry for yelling. I was upset. Or something. It is good for them to hear that from you too.

Positive reinforcement is so key. Praise the good. The cup example- say-- (before they drink it-- we do not throw our cups or anything). If either of you throw them down, you will go to time out. Show them what to do-- we drink our milk then we give it to mommy or place it on the table or floor or whatever-- SHOW THEM-- you do it. Then praise-- clap your hands. Say yea.

Hope this helps. It is tough. Kids are so resolved. They want attention.

Put a piece of paper-- if they can color- have them color it- and have it say-- NO WHINING IN THIS HOUSE. Tell them this is a rule. Tape it up in the kitchen. Stick to this. Tell them this is a happy house or something.

Hang in there.

As they say..."this too shall pass".. I know how you feel. I have 3yr old twin girls and when they were that age they did the same thing. Some days, poor hubby had to fend for himself his own dinner. lol. Be patient, ask your Dr about it, but I think they are trying to fight for your attention and since they cannot use words well yet that's their way of expressing it -even though you are right there with them (sometimes holding them) they still have to share you. Whatever the reason (i wish I could tell you the magic answer) just take it one day at a time like I did and praise them and give them more attention when they are being good. Mine grew out of that phase and we're now in another. Don't worry, your not alone and it's not you. :)

S., I can only imagine what you are going through. I have an almost 19 mo girl and I dont know what I'd do if I had two of her throwing a fit.

But let me tell you what I tried with her as she got older and her fits became more violent(animated). Basically I used a consequence model. For instance, to throw a cup in anger, would mean it stays on the floor.

Every morning, we get up and she asks for oatmeal. Well, after I make the oatmeal, I have to put it in the freezer to cool it off. This is usually when she'd just go to pieces.

I explained to her why I was doing it. Then after that I ignored her tyrants.

Now, when I put it in the freezer, she waits a few minutes, then she reminds me by using words.

Another technique I've used for several months is distraction. I will distract her from what ever is the cause of her distress.

I also, use the technique that you described such as hugging.
And I also use the threat of going to bed in order to stop offending behavior.(some may not agree with it)
In my own experience, when my daughter wakes up crying or whining, she has always needed to go back to sleep. In my house a tantrum is usually related to sleep or food.

Sounds like you are doing a good job, it may just take some time to see results.

Good Luck

Hi S.!

My name is M. and I am a mother of 2 y/o twin girls! I understand your pain, frustration, and concern!!! My first question is are you a member of the Athens Mothers of Multiples? It is a saving grace for me many days! I have made some really great friends who suffer as we do! Ha, ha. It is nice to have someone to talk with that understands the hardships of two babies...not one 13 months older than the youngest. When my girls throw themselves around like you have described, I just leave them where they are. They cry a little longer and harder but eventually they got the hint that I am not playing around when it comes to that. If they want to lie on the floor ok but, I am not a part of their fit. I usually just walk into the next room or something. It is HOPEFULLY just a phase. Hang in there!!!!

M.

Well first off rule out any thing like teething and not feeling well. After that second I'd say it's the change of Dad being gone and Mom being stressed. To change the situation well I'd make sure with stress in a family (even mine) I agree with the mom that mentioned sleep, sleep enough hours is very important. After that eating and drinking enough after that I'd say they follow you around and it would be normal since Dad is gone wouldn't it make sense that they could be worried you are going to leave?? My heart goes out to you, you have to wear many hats right now and every time Dad goes over seas. I'd say making time where you cudle together all of you and give them what they seem like they are needing assurance that you aren't leaving too. I'd also make a schedule to get them tired and have some outside with mom activites, parks are always great. With the tantrams I found when my kids had them ignore didn't work, so I sat down in front of them put their hands together and said listen I can't help you when you yell, I gave my boys about 5 mins if they kept it up then I'd ignore them, if that didn't work after 5 mins I'd say ok nap time. One thing usually happened I'd didn't yell or make it worse if they wouldn't work with me they went to bed and many times they fell alseep right after I think they had a fit really because they were tired. Thats all I've got wish the best.

Hi S.,

My son will be 19 months tomorrow, and this is definitely a difficult age! I can't imagine having 2 (though I would love to - I lost my twins right after they were born in Feb 06). My son is generally well behaved, but that doesn't stop an attempted tantrum here and there. We started very early with the disipline which I'm sure many would disagree with, but like I said my son is a very good child because of it and now we don't have to disipline that often. We get compliments EVERY time we go out. When he does become unruly, I firmly restrain his arms and explain that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and will not get him what he wants while looking him in the eyes. Then I walk away and continue doing whatever I was doing before it started. That lets him know that his behavior does not dictate my actions, I am the parent, I am in control - not him. It works everytime. What ever method you decide to use, you must be consistant!! I can't say that enough! Children thrive on consistancy. When they understand that you are saying what you mean and meaning what you say, then they will know that their actions won't change the outcome. I know it's hard especially since it's kind of like you are a single parent for the moment (BTW please thank you husband for his service for our country!!) My husband gets up at 9am, leaves for work at 12pm and gets home at 12am or after. So I feel like a single parent too sometimes. But this may actually work to your advantage when it comes to disipline. The consitancy has to come from both parents being on the same page so you have a chance set a routine while he's gone, but make sure you fill him in when he gets back so that they know you two are a team and that neither one of you will tolerate bad behavior. Also, are they teething? This could be why they cry when they are eating. My son is getting his 2 year molars now so look for other signs of teething and try some tylenol or motrin. I hope everything works out for you. Hang in there, it's worth it. This is just a season, this too shall pass! I know it's not always at the forfront of our minds (especially now!!), but you are truly blessed!

~J.

I second the Love and Logic way to parent. It will help you out so much!!! www.loveandlogic.com

S.,

First let me thank you for your sacrifices that you are making while your husband is over seas. Then let me say that it sounds like one of two things are happening with your boys. ONE they are picking up your stress and reacting to YOUR manner at this time. They sense something is wrong, upsetting, stressful, unhappy, agetated or just not right and they are feeding off of your energy.
Or case two, it could be that they are going through a growth spurt! When children go through growth spurts they can grow a whole inch over night but before that they have to get ready and my doctor used to say if they are crying all the time and hungry all the time, and SO FUSSY, the body is getting tready to grow a couple of inches. And boy was he right. It normally happens in October and late March. I actually stopped buying their winter clothes until AFTER Halloween because I would buy them when summer was over and then they out grew them right after Halloween.
If you need a break so you can have some MOMMY TIME come meet me and get to know me and I will gladly give you 1 night a week, two times a month for you to go out or, stay home and just take a buble bath or get in bed and read a old magazine or even go get your hair cut!! It is my way of supporting the troops! Without family in town you tend to get so caught up in the boys that you loose yourself and then you begin to feel out of sorts and they pick up in it and they begin to behave "out of sorts"! I know you don't know me but maybe you could make this arrangement with another army wife that also needs a BREAK.
Also at 19 months you should have toys for them to play with that uses up their extra energy. Go to a yard sale in a more expensive neighborhood than yours and get some toys cheap!

ABOUT THE MILK IN THE ROOM IN THE MORNING! Dont take milk in the bedroom because it is NOT enought to quiet their overnight hunger and they get started drinking and then there is nothing left so just say. "First diaper change then let's go eat!" Hurry now-make it a race. What is important is that you BREAk this cycle that you all 3 have fallen into. It is not working and needs to be changed!!!

Have their breakfast ON/at the highchair or at the table before you go get them up! Don't take juice or milK in to them and they will know that in order to get food they must go to the kitchen. After you change them then announce BREAKFAST IS READY and walk to the kitchen! After a day or two they will catch on. Hunger is a powerful motivator. Good luck and email if you would like a morning or after noon off of the mommy-go-round!
Keep mothering,
Ms C.

hi S.,
this may sound like a dumb question, but are they getting enough sleep? my kids (3, 8, and 11) always woke up cranky when they were overtired. the oldest one used to cry and be clingy like yours are for a long time until he really woke up...i don't know what else you can do...other than keep doing what you're doing, and comforting them the best you can...but if they are hungry, or tired...that might be an easy fix...little snack when they get up...cuddle on the couch...good luck...i'm sure you're not failing...two babies is a lot of work...and with my family 800 miles away, i feel your pain. top it off with a husband who's away...and you are a saint.

Hi! I am 36 and have two sets of twins...the oldest set (boy/girl) is now 2 yrs old. I agree with Stephanie...you have to let them calm down by placing them in 'time out'. My daughter did it more often than my son, but if she threw a tantrum, then I would warn her in a soft low voice and force her to look at me while I did it. If she continued, then I would put her in her crib (not for very long, just a minute or two) then I would take her out and explain she cannot fuss like that...if she continued I would repeat. It really worked for me. (Now that they are in toddler beds we actually have a time out spot/rug and they really sit on it for the most part!) She is not tantrum free, but there are a whole lot less of them, and she understands the consequences for throwing a tantrum. Luckily they don't throw down at the same time for the most part, but when they have, I put them both in 'time out'. It gives them (and you) a chance to calm down. You just have to be consistant, and they will 'get it'. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions or just need a sounding board! Good luck!
J.

Hey S.,
My twin girls are 2 1/2, so I know a little of what you're going through. 2 kids in the "terrible two" phase is really trying on your patience! Definitely give them consequences for throwing fits (we started this at 18 months per recommendations from parenting books). I put my girls in time out in a pack and play I had set up in the living room. They have to stop crying before they are allowed to get out of time out. If they were both pitching fits, one would go in their crib, one in the pack and play. Consistency is the key. And not giving in to what they're pitching a fit for (if you can figure it out at 19 months!) ASL is a great idea already mentioned.
It does get a little easier once they start talking and telling you what they want, but I'm still looking forward to the twins turning 3!!
Blessings,
S.