My 18 Month Old Hits What Do I Do??

Updated on May 03, 2008
C.W. asks from Bountiful, UT
15 answers

My 18 month old hits me all the time when she does'nt get what she wants with me. And Then she will hit other kids for no reason. What do I do?? Some people say she is still to young for Time out. Is she?? She understands what I say. And what do I do when she acts up in public Like at a store or at a restaunt??

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all your advice!! I'm so grateful to know other moms are going through or have gone through the same things I have!!! some times I get so tired of constantly trying to reason all day along with constant feeding, wipeing and diaper changes. so you all understand!!! so therefor it keeps me going!!! so thank you thank you thank you!!

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M.N.

answers from Denver on

I have an adorable 22 month old who does the same things however I don't let her get away with them. If shes going to have a tantrum she has to go to her room and she is not allowed out until it is done. If she comes out we send her right back to the room if she is fussy but if she is over the tantrum than i will explain why she was put there and etc etc. I hope this works and gl

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J.C.

answers from Denver on

PLEASE, from an older Mom, do not give in to her screams. Do all you can to block the screaming from your hearing. Unfortunately, you can not say anything to her while she is screaming, as that only adds fuel to her fire, so to speak. BUT, you MUST remain calm and do not respond while she is screaming. She will tire of it herself if you hang in there, Mom, and eventually she will either go hoarse, or give up.
Yes, holding out DOES WORK.

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R.K.

answers from Fort Collins on

How old is she?

My son used to throw the huge fits when he was younger. We finally realized that the fits weren't over what they seemed to be over (like not getting the right kind of hotdog), but were more a symptom of feeling unstable. I go to school part time and whenever a new semester would start and I would be gone more, he would throw these huge fits, or if we had company for too long and the normal flow of our day was thrown off.

One of the things that helped diffuse his melt-downs was to really see what the root of his melt-down really was and talk to him about it. If I got it right, it would diffuse the melt-down completely. And example would be: we stopped to get gas and he wanted a treat from the gas station (I usually only stop at gas stations with him when we are going on a trip and we always get a snack) and this time we were almost home and I wouldn't get him one so he started throwing a huge fit. So when we got home, I finally realized why he was so upset so I said to him, "you're probably really sad because we always get a snack at the gas station, huh?" then he stopped crying as much and I said, "but that is usually because we are going on a trip and today we were just coming home and I didn't want to spend money on a snack when we have food at home." Then he was fine. He talked a little about how sad it was for him to not do what we always do (he used to have a really hard time with change and things not being consistent) and then it was over.

It's a lot of work, and I don't know if any of that may be what is going on with your child, but it seems to me, that often children melt down for reasons other than really just not getting what they want.

good luck, it is so hard when they melt down like that so much.

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A.L.

answers from Salt Lake City on

It depends how old she is...but my daughter loved to throw tantrums. We started doing one...two...three. The minute she starts tantruming I say, thats one....if she continues...thats two....if she continues...that's three and then I carry her to her room...say take three...and close the door. The trick is, you say NOTHING else except that's one, two, three, take two (one minute per age). That is IT! Then I would just open the door and say, time's up. Sometimes she would come out and sometimes she would still be tantrum mode and I would just open the door and let her come out when she simmered down. In the beginning, I had to do this several times and then we would be good for the rest of the day. She is three now and occasionally I still have to do this, but usually when i get to 2 she stops. Good luck...this too shall pass!

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C.B.

answers from Denver on

Is she 2? Ignore her and don't give in at any cost. Tell her if she wants something she needs to ask nicely and say please. She will get the hint. If she pulls this in the store. Take her to the bathroom or to the car and have a talk with her about proper behavior in the store.

Good Luck,
C. B

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A.P.

answers from Denver on

Don't give in to her tantrums. How old is your daughter??? That info will help in determining how to respond.

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M.W.

answers from Boise on

It may depend on the age of your daughter. Could you let us know how old she is?

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N.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I tell my daughter that if she wants to scream and cry she can do it in her room with the door closed. She can come out when she's ready. When she does come out, I tell her I missed her and that I'm glad she's back.

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M.M.

answers from Great Falls on

Say you have an allergy on her tantrum and leave the room. Do NOT pay any , I mean ANY attention to her as long as she is screaming and such. Let her do it for about a week, if she is strong in character and stubborn. By no means, do not pay ANY attention, as if she does not even exist. If she occupies the room that you need, for her fits, take her to another room, and say that you do not see your little darling daughter, and you will be waiting for her smile in another room, because you miss her so desperately.
C., as long as you give her attention, even the angry attention, ANY attention, she will be doing it. She seeks for attention; I do not know exactly the background, why she choose this way of getting attention, but this is so far what worked for her: she yells, you are around her, trying to calm her down.
You need to break this pattern first of all.
As soon as she will stop her tantrum, immediately react on it positively, and do not remind her of the 'bad stuff' but move to some positive communication, as if he bad part did not happen.
She will figure it out.
Good luck, dear ones!

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L.B.

answers from Provo on

C.,

when my son started doing that sort of thing at age 3, I figured that B.F. Skinner, the infamous behaviorist, knew something, so I put some behaviorist psychology to work. What I did was to first make sure that he was not putting himself in physical danger, and then just walked out of the room and TOTALLY ignored his tantrum. It worked. He threw about three tantrums, saw that they didn't get him what he wanted, and stopped throwing tantrums. He has never had a tantrum since (he is now 26).

The theory behind this (operant conditioning) is as follows: People choose behavior based upon environmental responses to their behaviors. If the environmental response is what the person wants, he will persist in the behavior to get more of the response (i.e., the behavior is reinforced). If the response is not what he wants, he will stop doing the behavior (i.e., the behavior will be extinguished). In my son's case, he was tantrumming to get some response from me. If I gave him what he wanted, I would have reinforced his behavior and guaranteed that he would do it again the next time he wanted something. Even if he didn't get what he was demanding, any response, even negative, on my part, might have reinforced his behavior. So,if I got all upset, he might conclude that my response was very entertaining and continue tantrumming the next time he got bored or wanted something. The way to extinguish the behavior was to not reinforce it at all, i.e., to totally, flat-out ignore it.

Behaviorist theory worked on this issue in my son's case. You might try it for your daughter.

Just a caution, though. Intermittent reinforcement can make a behavior nearly impossible to extinguish. If you ignore the bad behavior some of the time and reinforce it even once or twice, you have created a monster. She will do it again and again even in the absence of reinforcement because you reinforced it once or twice a long time ago. So, consistency and control of your emotions are key to success with this method. (Illustration of intermittent reinforcement: slot machines) Do not embark on the use of behaviorist theory if you are not going to be totally consistent in refusing to reinforce her behavior.

Good luck. This is not fun. It is, however, part of the territory in dealing with a small child.

Linda

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D.K.

answers from Denver on

Depends on her age. If she is two and up, put her in a corner, walk away and tell her you will talk to her when she calms down. Let her pitch a fit, you can validate her feelings however you needn't coddle her or pay attention to her during the fits. Stay consistent, keep your cool and be very matter of fact about her consequences. Don't cave, don't give her her way and eventually it will click in. Most toddlers throw fits because they are frustrated, just tell her "I am sorry you are upset, but you cannot have this or that" then walk off. If she doesn't get your attention then she has no audience for her drama. Believe me, girls get a tad worse as they get older and seem to taper off the drama and emotional stuff as they get into Elementary, or so I am learning with my daughter.

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S.M.

answers from Denver on

She's learned that she's "Gotcha." If she throws a fit long enough, you'll sometimes change your mind/change the limit. 1st, rember your job is not to keep her happy all the time. Your job is to raise a responsible kid who is fun to be around. That means, you need to try a couple Love & Logic techniques.

You need to learn a "Brain dead 1 liner" like "I know" or "I love you to much to argue" It's simple - no charts, no tracking. When you ask her to do something and she throws a fit... just repeat to them "I know" or "Love you too much too argue"- whatever your style is.
So when they say..
1. How come I don't get to do it - "Love you too much too argue"
2. but it's not fair " --"Love you too much too argue"
3. She always gets to do the fun stuff - "Love you too much too argue"
4. You're mean/ I don't love you any more - "Nice try"

With this brain dead approach you're teaching them that they'll get no where with whining, arguing especially when it's just over silly stuff - reasoning doesn't work. Set your limit and stick to it by going brain dead.

There's a great love & logic tape in library "When kids drain your energy" or take one of my Love & Logic classes. www.shellymoorman.com

Good luck!!

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L.J.

answers from Denver on

Hi C.,

I recently read a book called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. (Not sure how old your daughter is but they have other books for older children) It's by Jim and Charles Fay. It had some great ideas for dealing with children without yelling or spanking. I've used some of them on my 2 and 4 year olds. It's a quick read (entertainig too)and you can start using the tactics right away. I hope this helps! Blessings to you!

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A.L.

answers from Salt Lake City on

My best advice to you would be let her throw her fit and simply ignore it if you have to put her in her room or just make sure she isnt arround anything she can get hurt by and leave the room. Dont give her what she wants because if you do she will keep having her fits so you will give her what she wants. Look and see if her fits are worse when things change like if you work alot or go to school because those things could be the problem instead of her just not getting what she wants. She might feel like you arent giving her enough attention so make some time for just you and her even if it is just 10 minutes to read to her or color or just talk to her it could be just that easy.

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T.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I keep thinking of buying earplugs... I haven't done it yet.

But really, I think you should buy earplugs, and say I will be glad to talk to you when you calm down. Or, you can even ask her to go to her room until she is ready to behave in a way that doesn't bother other people around her (screaming, crying, and whining bother other people).

I have trouble with my almost 4 daughter making too much noise, which is a big no-no when baby is sleeping. She immediately goes on time out, if she makes noise she immediately goes on the back porch for the rest of her time-out (if it's cool outside, she needs to put on her warm clothes first).

Good luck!

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