Differing Parenting Views

Your child, not his. It's not a tiny problem. As the child of a single mom myself, I know that I am totally biased, but the best gift my mother ever gave me was to be my mom first and foremost and being someone else's girlfriend was a lot lower priority.

Any amount of harsh is too harsh for a two-year-old, although you don't describe what you mean by that. I am NOT saying your boyfriend is inappropriate, but it's not his place to be disciplining his girlfriend's child. He's not a stepdad. Unless he's adopting, I don't think he should be deciding discipline.

If you do decide this is a long-term commitment, I highly recommend you both take a parenting class. My husband and I went to a STEP parenting class that our first son's preschool offered and it was really helpful in explaining developmental levels, common issues young kids have, and how to work with their understanding.

I want to add one last thing, and I hope it doesn't offend. But the statistics are a little scary. Any single mother needs to be cautious and to watch what's going on with the partner/child relationship.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21838575

"Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents, according to a study of Missouri data published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005."

You did not give us any examples of the discipline techniques you both use, so we can't really comment on what is effective. But, YOU are the parent and you have 100% responsibility for your son (your boyfriend has none).

You are considering "kicking him out", so I'm not convinced you are planning on having your boyfriend around for the long haul.

If you still feel your boyfriend should have a say in your son's upbringing, you must come to a pre-arranged agreement on the styles and techniques you will use for discipline. Remember they will change as your son grows, but don't leave it open for an argument when something happens. You two must pose a united front to your child, if not you leave yourself open to be manipulated.

Good luck, and remember YOU are the parent. What you say GOES! Your son should always some first. Never choose a man before your child.

Two different parenting styles are good for a child. What isn't is lack of consistency in discipline and not having the same rules. Above all you have final say in what goes and what doesn't in regards to your child. If you and your boyfriend aren't considering marriage he should not be disciplining your son.

It is also important that your boyfriend not try to replace your son's father (absent though he may be) even if he is stepping into a father's figure role. Your son has a father and it is up to your son if he wants to accept your boyfriend as a father figure.

I strongly suggest couple's counseling with a therapist familiar with blended families. I also advise some parenting classes together.

We are put here as moms to protect our children. What you say goes, even if you were married...I still say you have the final word on your child! I wouldn't let any man in my life handle things his way if I didn't agree with what he was doing. I am married to the father of my children and we pretty much stick to my parenting style for the most part.

Take care!

You are the mother. If you have any concerns at all about your boyfriend's parenting methods being 'harsh' then drop the guy. Your son should come first and you need to trust your instincts with him. Don't allow your boyfriend to tell you how to parent your child. If you need help parenting, go to a counseling class at a family center- there are plenty of them at the YMCA, and at all sorts of free locations all over the place. Get help from people who work with families and children. if your BF is at all serious about being a real father, then he will go with you- if not, LOSE HIM.

You are the mother - what you say goes! Period. You didn't mention what sort of discipline techniques you boyfriend uses, but if he is hitting or yelling at your son, I would kick him out in a heartbeat. You are the only person that your son has to stick up for him. Don't let him down.

It is great that you are willing to admit that his ways may be more effective than yours, maybe there is a way you two can come to a compromise. Why are his ways more effective? Look at what makes it that way and maybe what you can do to make it age appropriate and comfortable for both you and him. It is great that he wants to be involved, but be careful and remember, he is your son and you are to protect him first. Remember that you can make the decisions on this and if he really wants to be a part of you life and your sons, he will respect what you have to say regarding him.

Your son's safety and wellbeing must be your first priority. Discipline is a very important part of good parenting. How it is done is the key. I would not allow my boyfriend to get physical with my child. He may speak to him but never hit the child. I realize that you want to be with this man but you and your child are a group package. Romantic relationships can come and go but the bond with your child is #1. Do not let your child suffer because of a boyfriend's parenting style. He must be willing to treat the child as if he was his own. That can be difficult for most men.

Try this. We had the same issue with my son except I was more harsh and my husband was too easy on him (in my opinion). What we did was sit down and come up with a compromise. You already say his way is more effective so give a little and have your boyfriend give a little too. What we learned was that neither individual parenting style was great but a happy medium made us a much happier family :) Good luck.

C., while I agree with the other moms who weighed in, perhaps some books may be helpful for him. If he wants to be involved but has little experience, get some library books on toddler care and parenting. He may be surprised about all the info there is to know and why little ones act and think the way they do. Certain things are appropriate and others are not. Perhaps, after reading together (because there are so many philosophies out there about sleep training, discipline, etc.), you can come up with compromises on effective rules, positive role modeling, and reasonable consequences for unwanted behaviors. You don't have to be a parent to lead by a good example but the decisions must solely rest on the parents shoulders, not the boyfriend.

You're the mom. Unless you are married, your way goes. In addition, if he is getting physical with your son (you didn't say) he needs to be out of the picture.

Hi C.,

It's great that your boyfriend wants to be a father figure...but if I was in your shoes, he would not have a say in raising my child until he makes it a lifetime choice, which means marriage. You really didn't mention how long your are seeing him or how serious is your relationship. If I was a single mother and seeing someone...I wouldn't even think of living with him and my child until I was engaged. I wouldn't want my child get attached to someone and then have the relationship go sour.

My second husband helped raise my two boys and I always thought he was too lax or then too harsh and well--- get the picture?Each episode might be different. If there are some things that you really do not want him to do then make it very clear. Such as if you differ on the issues of consequences or punishments. And don't forget. He's a man. They are going to be different anyway.