How to Help the Step Dad

First of all, have you examined your own language? You want to "turn my fiance around". Basically, you see your way as right and his as wrong. You're in a power struggle and your son is the prize. But obviously you have an important stake in having your son love his future stepfather. The two of you need to act as a team and meet in the middle. Start by realizing that your fiance's way is not wrong necessarily, only different. Sit down with him and discuss what things he thinks merit time-outs, what things can be ignored some of the time (picking your battles), what things are better taught through positive reinforcement. Be specific. Compromise. Agree in advance. Remind him that any punishment that is overused ceases to be effective (ask any teacher!), but respect the way he feels kids should be raised. Present a united front. As you're finding out, kids can smell inconsistency between parents and will use it to their advantage. Parenting classes wouldn't hurt. But have some sympathy -- being a stepparent is a hard road. Good Luck!

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Hi C.
First, I'd like to say that I really understand your dilema since I am a mom and a stepmom. It is very difficult, especially in the first years of a relationship. I am a life coach for stepfamilies and have seen this often. You are not alone. First thing I would suggest is that your fiance and you sit and discuss "house rules". By this I mean who should be in charge of the discipline, getting chores done, taking the kids to outings, etc. There is an excellent book writting by Jeannette Lofas from Stepfamily Foundation titled "House Rules" and "Living in Step". I would recommend that you start by reading these books and then get counseling or help with someone who in very knowledgable with steprelations. The foundation also offers great information and tips on how to work in a steprelationship http://www.stepfamily.org/ . If you have any other questions regarding stepfamilies, let me know. By the way, it is recommended that the biological parent does the disciplining of their children but that the couple should have a united front. I hope this helps.

C. C.
Life Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

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C.,

First off when u met your fiance, did you all talk about your viewpoints on children and if you did was you okay with his view points on discipline and parenting. Now you said that 6 months ago, everything changed. I think the change was the BABY. Now your son might feels as though he's not wanted, so he's trying to get your attention. See we sometimes want everything to be a okay in the home with out making it a okay. All the nick picking your fiance is doing towards your son is a power thing. The same way he wants you to respect his discipline ways he has to respect yours. Sometimes they try to make us think that we are weak towards our children, it's not that, they get a little jealous of our love and relationship with children. Don't let him ruin your relationship with your son. Talk to your son and HEAR what's going on with him. Take him out sometimes and let him know that you will ALWAYS LOVE HIM NO MATTER HOME MANY CHILDREN YOU HAVE AND HOW MANY MEN COMES INTO YOUR LIFE.....

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Hi C.,

I hear you. I have had similar issues. I notice that there is a new baby in the family and that is going to take an adjustment. For everyone, especially your son. Maybe some of your fiance's reaction has to do with having a new baby. Is he anxious or worried or maybe a little unsure of things in this new environment and he may be taking those anxieties out on your son. At the same time, your son may be acting out because of the baby. My suggestions is to try and find out what your fiances concerns and fears really are. If you can figure out what is bothering him then you can come up with solutions. Then I suggest if he is insistent on enforcing rules you, he and your son come up with a list of house rules that everyone will agree to.

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C.- I do parent coaching and have seen this type of shift in parenting styles before. It probably has more to do with a personal thing your fiance' is worried about or the new baby in the home. Becoming a "real" parent for the first time (and loosing sleep) can throw anyone over the edge! Is his job less secure? Is he worried about getting married? Are there problems in his family of origin? Trying to tackle the parenting style will be less effective than addressing what is bothering your fiance' at a deeper level. When we become insecure or frighted we tend to try to contol our outer world - sounds like this is what is going on with your fiance'.

S. Starseed MHS,LOT (www.insynctherapy.org)

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I think the step dad needs some parenting classes. I think he should not be disciplining at all - you should (and whatever method you use that works, is fine). The boy is not his kid. It's not his job to discipline. The other thing is that you and your fiance must always present a united front. You might want to get into some family counseling - BEFORE you tie the knot.

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C., I am a step mom, Mark was 9 when I met him for the first time and 10 when his dad and I got married. He is now 35, his dad and I have divorced (15 yrs ago) but.... Mark and I are still very close. In the early years of our marriage my mother-in-law once said to me 'wait until you have your own children, you'll treat them differently'. That statement stuck with me for a long time because I didn't think I would be any different because I felt as though Mark was mine. His dad had full custody so... he was with us from day one. Eventually we had children (2 girls) and at some point my mother-in-law reminded of her earlier statement years before and said she was wrong. I treated the girls just the same as I treated Mark, it was one of the best compliments I could ever have received. Now each child had to be disciplined differently but.... that is normal, children are different and their needs are different as well. Even being raised in the same household. I hope my story will help you in understanding my experience as a step mom. I don't think we can tell how we will parent until we become one but... I do believe that we can alter our parenting styles if we truly want to. I'm sure you know this but since we are being open and honest I'll go ahead... your fiance has to be the one to see how he's changed his discipline style and he's the only one who can make changes in it. Maybe now that he has another child or his first - he sees things differently. TALK is the only suggestion I can truly give you and LISTEN, that is what will make a difference. Your son also sees that things have changed in your lives, he may be going through a lot on his own as well. Acting out he gets attention (good or bad) and the baby gets or needs a lot of attention without doing anything but looking cute. whew!! Sorry I am rambling now, I wish you all the best. P. c

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Hi, I think you and your fiance' should read this book :
How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Having a new baby can throw the older child to the "deep end", they suddenly feel like their world is not the same, ergo they act out for no reason..... The book is fantastic, puts it all in perspective how we should respect our kids feelings and to let them know, we understand and be there for them. Hope you'll find it useful!!!
Agi

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This is a tough one, C.. Before I married my second husband, I was a single mother of two. My husband has a daughter of his own as well. Well, I told my "now" husband, that I am my children's mother, and I will decide on the disipline. He should be the one to disipline his. We discuss certain diciplinary issues that we have concerns about. But, NEVER in front of the children. We only have one mother and one father. My children love my husband very much and I love my stepdaughter. (Secretly, I wish she was mine, too! LOL). But, I really think that one mother and one father is really all ANYBODY ever needs. It works for us, it may work for you guys....Good Luck!

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If you're disciplining your child for every little thing, you're setting him up to fail. You are right - pick your battles. Chewing with your mouth closed is something that will come with time. However, if you keep riding him about it, it may be a "will against will" thing and he may do it just to get a reaction. Lead by example. If you want him to learn something show him that it is something that everyone does -- because it's polite, not because it's a rule. Also, if you give him time outs for everything, he will think, "I might as well do it, because I'm going to get a time out no matter what."

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My personal experience and guideance from professionals much more versed in the workings of step families, is that step-parents should NOT being the ones dishing out discipline. Step-families are not like "nuclear" families and therefore should not be treated as such. Your fiance' needs to step back and allow you to be the one to disciplin your son. Otherwise, it'll get much, much worse before it gets better. Trust me on this one!

Honestly, if you're looking for advice on how to turn your fiance around...on a website...from strangers... You obviously have doubts - serious ones. Did you notice that you say nothing about your relationship with this man other than how long you've been together? Three years is really not an enormous investment. Maybe you should try to look at your relationship objectively (is that really ever possible?!?) before you decide to marry a man you said yourself you son no longer trusts. ...I wish I had called three years a loss and followed my deeper feelings - and my sons instincts.

Maybe he need a "time out". His job is the military, but home is not. I'm sure he sees a lot of messed up kids. Your son is acting out because he does not understand what he is feeling. The family needs to work on this together and build the trust in your son back up. Dad needs to understand that love and trust work hand in hand with discipline. If a child does not trust the one doing the discipline, no matter what the discipline is it will not work.

You guys really need to come up with a plan to work together! Your son is probably really confused and frustrated. When you are in a step parent situation, especially with a child who is older, you cannot be the disciplinarian. Your fiance needs to back off, you both need to agree on a plan and then you are the one who needs to address that punishment to your son. All that will happen if you keep up the way you are is that your son and fiance will hate each other and there will be constant tension in your home and that is good for no one, especially the kids.

Couples and Blended Family counseling NOW! Do NOT get married until you have this ironed out! Discipline will be the subject of MANY fights in your household if you don't get a grip on it now. Also, your son is going to trust issues with you if he feels that you are not "in his corner". I know it sounds harsh, but I've been there.

C.,

I think you should seek professional advice. I don't like the sound of how this is progressing. Your son needs attention and is jealous of your fiance, your fiance is trying to find his place in your family, but there's old school and there's over the top. If he's putting your son on time out b/c your 6 year old son is chewing with his mouth open, then your fiance has a lot of catching up to do when it comes to raising kids and yes, as you said, choosing battles.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but your kids come first.

--M.