Just Seeking Ur Advice

First sticking up for your son against your husband....bad, bad, bad....

My dad did that and as a result I had no respect for my mother. I knew daddy was a push-over and would give in to my every whim and he would never discipline me in any meaningful way and thus I had no respect for my mom...I knew dad would take my side. Bad, Bad, Bad.

You need to discuss parenting privately and you need to always back eachother up in the heat of the moment. If you don't agree, then discuss it later.

How about you two agree that you will assign certain punishments for certain behaviors...maybe even write them down. Then stick to it.

Please tell me what you think would happen if your son had been put to bed at 6pm??? Would he have died? Would he have been traumatized? Do you think it would ruin his relationship with his father/???? Sounds like that is already a disaster and I would argue it isn't because of the reasons you think.

I would argue, politely and gently, that you mommy have destroyed the relationship between your son and your husband because your little guy thinks he's boss.....and when dad tries to assert his authoriy, you intervene and show little man that daddy is a nobody.

If you want your son to be well-mannered and polite then you had better stop taking little man's side. And as sweetly as I can say it, you need to develop a backbone and stop letting little man manipulate you. Because that's what he's doing.

A 3 minute time-out...please!...you have been reading too many psycho-babble books. If they don't cry, then they don't care! Three minutes is a joke. My three year old children, the little boy I watch (started when he was 3) and the little girl I watch all behave well. They listen when I tell them something. They say please, thank you, no mam and yes mam (not spelling that right)...At three they are way more capable than you think.

And he should NEVER be allowed to hit anyone let alone his parents. If he does it now, he will only get worse...and that is a direct and purposeful act of defiance and disrespect. You never allow your child to disrespect you or your husband.

Your husband should back you up if your son talks back to you or ignores you and you should do the same for him.

When do you suppose he should start listening to you and your husband? When will you start to ask him to do such a thing? Don't you think he's going to be confused when you insist that he listen or will you continue to make excuses for him his whole life???? Oh, he's tired. Oh, he's just a boy. Oh, those darn kids just don't listen...what can a parent do? I've heard it all...and then they look at my kids and the kids I watch and they wonder how I do it.

Here is how I do it:

1.) I don't yell and scream, but I am firm and insistent. The kids are never allowed to ignore me or disobey me.

2.) I get down to their level and tell them what I want them to do. I make sure they look into my eyes. I do this for instruction and for discipline. Kids that won't look you in the eye don't respect you and they are trying to avoid doing what they should.

3.) As they get older I may stop getting right at their eye level everytime, but I will get right down there if they ignore me or disobey.

4.) I will not ask more than once if I made eye contact, twice if I have to go over to them to make eye contact. They will suffer the consequences if they disobey after that. Time-outs in the corner (and the stupid 1 minute for every year of age is ridiculous...I've never met a single child that cared about such an insignificant type of punishment....most will cry for effect and then turn around and misbehave five minutes later)They sit until they cry and I feel like they are really sorry for what they did. I also employ a spanking for outright defiance with my own children, but that isn't necessary most of the time.

5.) I praise them every time they say please, thank you, yes mam or no mam...or follow instructions without whining or complaining. I tell the kids I love them often...even when they get into trouble...even the ones I watch. They know that I love them and care about them. So I am just as consistent with praise and love as I am discipline.

Think about this...a lady in a church once told my preacher that she always had her babies in the service and they never disrupted the service...he was amazed. She told him to take a look at the little dog she owned. She explained that at just a few weeks she had that dog potty trained, it knew to sit when told, it knew not to beg, and so on. So she asked him why he thought she couldn't expect more from her children than that little dog when it was just a few weeks old. She asked if he thought her children were dumber than her dog?

Is your son dumber than an animal that he can't understand how to follow directions, respect you, follow a few simple rules, do as your ask him, or know that he shouldn't hit someone.

(and for those of you out there aghast because I said I spanked my children....discipline is not hitting to hurt it is correction and my kids know the difference)

Your husband is not being unreasonable. He expects his son to behave and follow instructions.

If he's giving your son one step or two step instructions there is no reason he shouldn't follow them immediately. Even my one year old son understands "give that to mommy", "no, that's not for babies", "sit down", "don't make a mess with your food"....he's not a genius. He's normal, average little boy and he listens to simple instructions at one year.

Your son can and will if you stop setting the bar so low.

Will you son rebell? Will he cry at times? Will he try to fight you and your husband? Probably, if he's normal. But he will learn quickly if you insist and you two act as a united front that what mommy and daddy say goes.

Honestly mommy, you are too soft. You need to train your little man now...I'm not sure what you are waiting on.

One last thing. Talk to your husband about the types of instructions you give (simple, one or two step), get to eye level and make sure little man heard you, ask him to repeat what you have said, don't yell and scream (but be firm), always praise little man for doing right, lots of love, hugs and kisses even after they have been disciplined (explain that you love him, but he has to behave.)

My daughter's birthday is right around your son's and when she was three, she seemed so much older and mature. I look at three year olds now and think, "she was still a baby!".... I did not go through "terrible two's" with her, I went through "really challenging threes" because she wanted more independence, yet, wasn't quite sure how to get it. We also had a newborn in the house and wanted to do "everything" for her brother.

You and your husband have different discipline styles. Many parents do. It's what you do with those parenting styles that matters to your child. Somehow, you have to have some kind of united front with your son, otherwise, it is easy to fall into the trap of him "pitting the two of you apart", which is what he is doing. (Dad disciplines/Mom intervenes). I'm not saying that your husband's parenting style is right - I'm saying, when you and your husband are not in the heat of the moment (because THAT is where you will always get it wrong, if this conversation hasn't happened!) sit down and talk about it. Just like you would talk about finances, home improvements, etc.... Take the emotion out of it. You have been a stay at home mom so you feel like you "know" your son better, it's only natural. I'm a SAHM too.

Sounds like he needs some time alone with your husband too - maybe just throwing a baseball, football around. Your husband needs to be with this boy, without you and you also need to do things as a family. Your son hitting your husband is not right. I've had that happen only once and it was a powerful thing (for my husband and my child) to reverse the family dynamics from "don't hit your dad" to (coming from me) "Do not ever hurt my husband" (yes - my husband pulled his shoulders back a bit!!!!!) You must be united.

No, your son is not ruined. Something that my husband and I DIDN'T learn from our parents that we do is that we sometimes mess up with parenting and we apologize to our kids. Our parents were NEVER wrong. We both grew up with lots of yelling and I swore that if I ever had children, I wouldn't do that (well - okay. It does happen occasionally!) It's very humbling to have to apologize to your child for "not getting it right". The first time I saw my husband do it, my daughter wrapped her arms around his neck (at three years old) and she said "Daddy, thank you for saying I'm sorry. I wasn't very nice either!"

You can get this right. Start with the question with your husband - "how can we be united in disciplining?" Your son sounds smart for his age. He's also learning how to manipulate a situation. Don't allow your child to hit your husband.

T.,

1,2,3 Magic is a book that is pretty straight forward that I think might give you both a common ground on which to build your parenting approach.

Good Luck
Kerstin

It shouldn't be about "who is right and who is wrong". You are both responsible for the upbringing of your child. You may be too lenient and he may not have a good understanding of what is appropriate at what age. GO TO THE PARENTING CLASS and or counseling. You will have bigger problems (like your marriage falling apart) if this gets out of control. You and your husband should be able to sit down and discuss your expected behaviors and what is appropriate for a 3 year old and the consequences that will be given to your son when he doesn't do what he is expected, example Hitting. There should be a consequence for everything for him and he should know what it is in advance, but you must follow through every and I mean EVERY time he uses inappropriate behavior. Good luck to you and your husband. Oh, one more thing, you should never undermine your husband in front of your child and he should never undermine you. Speak about it privately. If you discuss consequences in advance, this won't happen. But if it does, ask to speak to him in the other room and talk about your agreement with consequences and hopefully you can follow through with the discussed consequence as opposed to sending your son to bed at 6pm for the night. Unless that is the consequence of course! 3 year olds know more than you think and they know right from wrong, so it sounds like there are alot of behaviors going on that shouldn't be, especially hitting.

take a parenting class together, go to counseling. I think it will help both of you.
You need to find a common ground or he is right your marriage is over. I think sending a 3 yr old kid to bed at 6 for hitting is ok for punishment. But I am not his parent, you and your husband are. You have to learn how to do this together or your marriage and your kid are doomed.

The thing I want to make sure of is that your son is getting enough sleep. At that age they should be sleeping 12 hours at night and 2 to 3 at nap time. If he isn't getting that much sleep he will be crabby and misbehave.

I don't think your husband is expecting too much from a three year old.

It sounds like the two of you need to meet in the middle; you may be too lenient and he may be too harsh.

I'd agree completely with his suggestion of going to parenting counseling. It won't be about "I'm right" or "you're right"; it'll be about both of you ditching the "I know better about disciplining the child" and dropping the parenting ego and instead working on creating a plan that best helps *your child*.

Remember, now that the two of you have a child it isn't about one parent 'winning' the parenting battle. It's about figuring out what approaches work best for your child so he will behave in a civilized manner.

Dear T.- I'm concerned for your marriage. The most important gift you can give your son is a strong healthy relationship between mom and dad. I don't mean to mince words here, but in your description about yourself, you describe your son as the light of your life. While I totally get that you're crazy about your son, as you should be, consider that perhaps your focus should be on making your husband the light of your life. Most women would rejoice if their husbands said they wanted to go to counseling with them- so take him up on the offer! And yes, I have always expected that my kids should obey me the first time, and not to hit, etc. Those are not unrealistic expectations. It takes a lot of training and patience, but it makes for a much happier home.

T.,

You are right to be concerned about the differences you and your husband are having. When parenting, both parents need to be on the same page. It's difficult when you feel one way and he feels another. The parent counseling sounds like a good idea, even if you feel your methods are right. This might help bring you two to some common ground and shed some light for both of you as to what works and what doesn't. If you feel your husband is acting too harshly, the counseling will also help him to learn not only what's appropriate for children your son's age, but also what are appropriate consequences.

Good luck!

If your husband is able to get a 3 year old to do all that, please send him over here!

If he wants to go to parent counseling, I'd do it. Maybe he can get a better idea of what's appropriate to expect from a 3 year old (I'd get a list for the next few years as well).

Good luck.

I'm another supporter of "1-2-3 Magic." However, instead of reading the book, I would get the video and sit down with your husband to watch together (after your son is in bed). At a minimum, this will give you an objective source of information to then discuss. If you still find that you cannot find common ground, I think his suggestion for parent counseling is great.

First off i just want to say that you and your husband should never disagree about the punishment infront of your child. I hope that you didn't do it infront of your child. As for the hitting, I do daycare and I know that a 3 year old should not be hitting. As long as you and your husband are working on stopping it. I do want to say that it sounds like he is looking for attention from your husband. My daughter was hitting my friend. We put her in time out and that didn't work. So what we did was we had to tell her that if she hit that person would not talk to her. So the first time that she hit my friend he ignored her and she got really mad and hit a little more, then she realized that hitting him was not getting his attention. She has not hit since then. Maybe parenting counseling is not a bad choice because maybe they can help you find a happy middle ground. Good luck.

Oh, your husband sounds a lot like mine. I'd advise going to the parenting counsellor. You'll find that having a "professional" tell your husband that your way is right is easier than fighting with him over it.

Of course, you run the chance of him saying that the counsellor is wrong too. If that happens, I'd recommend couples counseling. He may have some kind of control issues that make him always need to be right.

Good luck!

I know you already have a lot of advice, but here goes: First, it's very important for you and your husband to be on the same page discipline wise. You should never argue about it in front of your son, because then your son will start to pit you against each other (if it hasn't started already). This happens constantly to friends of ours. Their daughter is a little monster (not to say that your son is that same way or anything) and she always gets her way. Discipline is not consistent and they do not follow through with it when they threaten it. When she doesn't get her way from mom, she will go to dad, and dad always tells her that "mommy said "NO"" and tries to get their daughter mad at his wife instead of him because it hurts his feelings. Their daughter is now 5 and no one can stand to be around her. Those are some examples of what NOT to do. A better solution would have been "time out" for your son while mommy and daddy go behind closed doors to discuss further punishment for hitting. Your son is old enough and smart enough to know better than to hit, and to also know the consequences of doing it. First offense of the day is a time out for 3 minutes, then the 2nd and following offenses should involve something more harsh, as in taking away priveliges or toys that he enjoys. That may also mean taking them away for the whole day or just part of the day. You just need to find out what works for you. Discuss with your husband ahead of time and come up with the rules together, and that way you'll both feel better. A parentling class would be great too, although I don't know where to sign up for one. A great book to consider reading is "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. I believe this book works for everyone, even if the child isn't strong-willed. It sounds like you are on the right track, you just need to get your husband on the same page as you. Good luck!

DEar T.,
Sounds like your husband might be an intelligent electrical engineer and you are more the empathetic mom....
As a counselor who raised 3 kids with a similar husband let me tell you that it seems like your husband and you would profit from the counseling and i'm glad that he is open to it...He needs to learn to relate better to his young son so that the child does not see him as an interloper for your affections and rather as a loving father...THIS will ALL SEEM BETTER if the counselor tells your husband to spend more time reading to his son and posivitvely parenting him rather than disciplining and punishing him....At that age the child only connects the time out to the hitting for a few minutes..If he is 3 then the time out should be 3 minutes....Are you giving your husband enough attention? he's grown but men are babies inside and he might need more private positive time with you...Get a sitter and surprise him with a night out where you can tell him how proud you are of him as the head of the family and how much you see HIM in your son...
If your husband is not around much then show his son pictures of DADDY and encourage their relationship..."We'll show this to DADDY when he gets home." Do all you can to foster their relationship and TRY REALLY hard to discuss parenting issues BEFORE they occur and find a collective common ground so as NOT to counterdict your husband in front of your son...
Your husband needs reasssurance that he is an important part of your family and is not being disrespected by your baby boy...Please tread carefully on this issue and use your sensitvity to see that he needs to be involved and loved by his son and you....DR. PHIL's Book "Family First" on CD or ppbk would help too...
Also, there is the book...'THE LOVE DARE" which suggests positive things to do daily for spouse to keep your marriage alive and romantice....Things like getting his coffee ready for him in the a.m. or whatever ...
I am planning to buy a copy and cut off the bottom of the pages with the scriptures since my own son is not religious but the suggestions would be good for any married couple...
Last but most important...Don't try to be RIGHT! TRY TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER!!!
Hugs of hope, T. this will work out for you all!
D. J

Children will never be perfect but first of all your son should never be hitting at age 3 or any other time. I agree with your husband on that one. Hitting is just not acceptable behavior. But I think I would have put your son in time out for the first offense and then to bed if it happened again.
Our son is an only child and will soon be 19 years old. In all those years he has never hit my husband or myself. Not even when he was young. But we are not aggressive in nature. That is why we were so surprised when our son choose to take up Karate, play football and wrestling. He was good at all 3 sports but at the same time he was a Ranger Jr. Commander, a Big Brother with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and assistant in childrens church.
If your husband want to go the both of you to go to parent counseling what could be the harm. Counseling is just to advise you on ways to handle situations. It is not to say you are wrong. It can't hurt to try Parent Counseling.

Good Luck

Maybe you could sit down with him- when there isn't any "naughtiness"- and talk to him about it. Ask him why he feels the way he discipline is best for your son. Then tell him why you feel your discipline works best with your son. Talk about why you each don't think the others method isn't effective. I think that a 6pm bedtime was a little harsh and using his bed as a punishment probably isn't the best (his bed should be for sleeping only- not playing or punishment). But that's just my opinion.
See if you can come to a compromise. I went through this with my daughter and her father. He used to swat her hand to discipline her and I hated that. And he couldn't understand why she kept hitting- well,in her little mind- if it's okay for Daddy to hit then it's okay for Elli to hit.
But I sat down with him and we came up with some solutions that worked for both of us. He didn't think the time outs were effective enough because she was still in the room with us and during her time we would have to repeatedly sit her down in the chair. So now her naughty chair is in the corner on the dining room area (away from the family room and all the "action") and her time out doesn't start until she's sitting and quiet. We've had time outs go for 10 minutes or so waiting for her to calm down enough to start time out (time outs are DEVASTATING for her)and then she starts her 3 minutes.
When she's done we always tell her why she was in time out (my bf didn't think she was "getting" why she was in time out so now we explain it to her). It's not a big conversation or anything- we just tell her why she was in time out and why what she did was naughty. And then if she was naughty to someone we have her apologize. So I agree with you on what you're doing.
Maybe a parenting session would be good- it could give him some other ideas on discipline and maybe why having your son go to bed at 6pm probably wouldn't be effective.
Anyway- hang in there. Good luck to you.

I am a fan of the Love and Logic approach. It can work into the teen age years, where 1-2-3 magic is geared towards younger kids. They have books, videos, and often there are classes offered that you and your husband could attend together.
Good luck!

You've gotten a lot of advice (and even one, Shannon A, that was not very nice and completely overboard!!) I agree that it is imperative for you and your husband to be in agreement with the boundaries and the discipline.

One thing I wanted to mention: I'm sure you have worked very hard to get your son into good sleeping habits. When you make sleeping part of a punishment, you start to associate negativity with something that your son should want to do (go to sleep happily). When you and your husband are working on your issues and deciding how to move forward, I recommend you find alternative punishments. You can send your son to his room to be alone for the rest of the evening -- but don't put him in jammies yet. Wait until the usual time and go through your loving bedtime rituals at the usual time.

Wow! It's like reading my own life! My husband is the exact same way and thinks that my son, also 3, should just know how to behave. He's constantly comparing him to other children and when I stick up for him I get "That's the way he is that way. You're too easy on him." Ii by no means am "easy", I'm definitely the strictest mom on the block. So, with that being said, there are differences in our styles, to say the least, and we're arguing. My husband and I have been in marital counseling anyway and recently I brought up these parenting issues. Our counselor has helped us to talk things out and pointed out to my husband that he's not there all day like I am, so as much as he doesn't like it, I know our son better. Not to say that my husband is flat out wrong, but just that I need to be more tolerant, he's learning at a slower pace because he's not there as much. It's also encouraged my husband to read (or start to try) a few parenting books. And that's when I realized that most women do these things naturally and men don't, hence differences and arguments. I recommend counseling. If your husband is willing to go, do it! It always helps to have a third objective party to work things out without yelling at each other. Good Luck!

I would recommend not sticking up for your son in front of him...my husband does it to me all the time and it drives me NUTS, and it puts a lot of strain on me as a parent and me as a wife as well (I feel like he doesn't value what I want to do with our son)!!! There is nothing wrong with time-out, and consistent punishment is needed. If he gets time-out, then keep doing that, however if it doesn't seem to work (it doesn't work for my son) you need to explore other disciplines. My son is a little older so we have gotten a little harsher, but taking toys away or no tv time is good to start with. Remember that not all forms of discipline work for all children. Whenever I have started a new punishment I have always asked for my son's input, and if I have something else in mind, I ask him if he thinks it is a fair punishment or not. There are some that he doesn't like, I try to explain to him that punishment is not going to be nice and he is going to get upset but he needs to learn (obviously he is older).

Taking a parenting class together is a great idea! Just make sure you find one that's middle-of-the road and based on proven techniques.

When my older son went to a montessori school, they required all parents who were new to the school to take a 6-week course called STEP (systematic training for effective parenting.) It's been around a long time - turns out that my MIL used to teach it years ago through her church! (but it's definitely NOT a religious program.) I thought it was really straightforward, with a lot of information about developmental stages, children's motivations, effective responses, etc.

Here are a couple of links -
http://www.parenting-resources.com/systematic-training-ef...
http://www.ciccparenting.org/StepPrograms.aspx
http://www.lifematters.com/step.asp

I agree with the other posters that you need to be on the same page with parenting, but I also understand how challenging that can be - my husband and I have had the same kinds of arguments (well, without the extreme reaction your husband had - I hope that was just a moment of stress because believe me, things don't get easier as they get older!)

Best wishes to all 3 of you -

At first my husband and I fought about discipline all the time. We were opposite- I as the strict one. Everyone below is right. You two need to sit down and disucss disipline and who'e method you should follow. You guys may not need to go as far as couseling unless you two can't agree. Since I too am a sahm, we agreed to follow my rules. I have a 5 1/2 and 3 year old boys. When it comes to discipline we are very strict in the rules and VERY consistent. FOr hitting my 5 1/2 yr old gets no warning- automatic timeout- my younger one gets 1 warning. Unless they kids me or my husband- it is an automatic timeout. The only time they get sent to their room is for a cool down. Kids sometimes get too out of control- screaming. etc. and need to to lay in their bed and think - I make it clear it is not a punishment but a cooling down time- once they are calm enough to talk they may come down and I let them know why they got into trouble in a calm matter. Sending a 3 year to their room is bit much and I expect a lot. Please and thank you is mandatory for both, no hitting, when I say to do something there is no "but" or "in a minute"- they do it immediately or its a timeout. We also have learning time everyday. On the other hand, we play alot and goof around whenever possible. Now that we are on the same page not only are we happy as a couple but the kids are too. Kids want and need discipline. Good luck to the both of you!!