Depressed stepson.....need Advice

Hi D. I know where you are coming from my daughter was also
diagnosed with adhd ,depression, oppostional behavior, learning disability. She also was on meds. But the one for adhd
when she was coming down off the meds, she look like the devil was in her.Finally they took her off that and gave her zoloft that seem to help the depression , she still had her moments.And everyone don't understand what these children are going thru.It a long road. But he must take his meds, so builds up in his system.Sometimes I think their angry because the hate what their feeling. We finally had to have her place in a school that deals with these type a children, She was pickup everyday. The schools did wonders for her and I'm to say last year she graduated with honors and is now working.

My brother was diagnosed with major depression when he was 20 years old. We had no idea he was feeling this way. We found out that he had been experiencing symptoms of depression since about 7th grade. He was very angry through high school, and we knew it seemed so out of character for him, we just didn't know why he was acting that way. Now we know it was the depression that caused him to act that way. It wasn't until his sophomore year in college that he told us he was depressed.
My brother started seeing a therapist during that year. We didn't realize just how depressed he was though until he was hospitalized. After that his treatment plan included weekly therapy sessions for awhile and medication. I remember specifically that his therapist worked on anger management with him.
You say your stepson has been diagnosed, so I assume that means he's seen a doctor or therapist. If he's on medication, it will probably take some time before they will be effective. Some psych medications can take up to several weeks for someone to begin feeling better. If he's not in therapy, you may want to consider encouraging him to start. Studies have shown that medication and therapy together is the most effective treatment.
It sounds like your situation is more complicated than my brothers since you don't have your stepson all the time; the most important thing for my brother was that he saw that we all still loved him and didn't think he was some kind of monster (those were his literal words).
It's such a complicated issue, and a few paragraphs doesn't begin to cover it. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and neither is he. One thing I learned from my brother's experience is that there are more people out there than you realize who have at one time or another have dealt with a mental illness. Feel free to contact me if you want to correspond further about it.

hi D., i have an 18 year old daughter that used manipulation and lies between her father and i more times then i can count. she is also ADD and has depression issues..my only advice to your husband is to be a stronger parent than i have been and always take the first step to make up with him. i know how angry a parent can get and just want to push them away when they are hurting you with their lies...but if i had to go back and do it over..i would have pushed that teenage manipulation game aside and let her know that know matter how much she wants to hurt me i still love her..but i didnt..so i'm sorry to say that we have no relationship now. hope this helps you all..

Hi D.,

I'm sorry to say that I don't know squat about your stepson's diagnosis except that the drugs they put kids on for ADHD, these days, often have dire consequences (e.g. Columbine, if I'm remembering correctly). I've heard good things about changes in diet helping ADHD; I hope you'll consider researching that, and see what other alternative treatments are out there, too.

Best wishes to you all!!!

My suggestion is to suggest family therapy, if the mom is up for it with her involved. If not, just with your husband and his son. There are obviously some serious resentment issues and he knows how to manipulate his mom (who is probably angry about your marriage). There has to be some joint effort for the kids sake.

Hi D., My name is J. and I also live in Auburn. I am new to this Mamasource but I have YEARS of experience helping OTHERS with their problems...but never seem to come up with good solutions to my own. I read your cry for help, and my first thought was set one of them every other weekends aside ..just one day ...for HIM and his dad...just the two of them...let the son choose something for them to do together of course everyone is on a budget so have a few ideas available for him to choose that you can financially handle or ideas that don't cost a lot of money ..like fishing. Boys love to fish and I am a girl ..but I love it myself.
As for the other mom, he will see it in due time. Not a lot you can do about that now. (lol) Just always be there for him, encourage and praise him. Teenage years are so hard, and i havn't even hit them yet with my own. I am with someone who also had kids prior to us getting together, and as of next year, I will also be a step mother. We will have a lil more in common then !! LOL ...I hope that my advice may be of some use to you. Please contact me anytime!!

J. D. Auburn Maine

Okay, let me first say that I have worked with kids with many a diagnosis. From what I got from your letter it sounds like there may be more going on here. If I had to phathom a guss on the little information given, there may be some oppositional defiant disorder, or some borderline personality disorder (I am leaning towards this one with the exagerations you state). It is hard to do anything when you do not see him often, and I am guessing that the mother may have some psch. issues as well.

First things first, you and your husband keep a log of all his behaviors, this will help any psych. get a better picture of what is actually going on.
Second, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE watch any medication that he might be on. Many psychotropic medications are not made for teenagers, and can often make sympots worse, or send him into a downward spiral. You have to remember the teenage mind is not fully devoloped yet. The pre-frontal cortex (which in addition to being responsible for working memory, is also responsible for inhibiting the raw emortions), so without that being devolped it is hard for him in the first place to control those emotions.
My suggestion, if you can do it, is find a psychiatrist that he likes (that is hugely important), and get a second opinion. (I think ADHD is diagnosed too often, and the medications for that, can actually "energize" any depression he is having.
The other think you HAVE to do to help him control the behaviors he is chosing to engage in, is to set limits and NOT back down an inch. His mother should be doing this as well, but you have no control over that.
I wish I could say this is going to be easy, but I am not going to lie to you. Your husband needs to talk with his ex for the benefit of the child, and if she is unwilling to do so, well, I hate to say it, you may have to have a court step in to get him the help that he needs.
Good luck, and if you do not understand something that I have written, please feel free to contact me at ____@____.com luck.

I have 2 stepsons (9 & 7) who's mother is whacked as well (haha) my 1st advice to you would be to document EVERYTHING! I cannot stress enough how important this is. from phone calls to visits, to messages on the machine. When you've got an angry, depressed teenager who lives in an unstable home, those crazy accusations could end up costing you (in my case thousands of $$, MY sanity, and, for a fraction of time, my marriage)
secondly, get some therapy/counseling. I would suggest family therapy, with you, him & his father. If you single him out to be the only one who needs help, it will backfire. Everyone involved needs to stay involved.
It sounds like he really needs some support that he doesn't know how to ask for. You could turn this into something that brings your family closer together. Good Luck

Is your son on medication? How long has he been on it? Sometimes it takes a bit for the medication to work effectively, or to get the dosage correct. Speak with your step-son's Dr about the behavior problems. Being a teenager is also a difficult hormonal change, always let him know you both love him no matter what. Depression is another difficult factor, again the Dr. should be aware of the behavior, it may be a reaction to medication. That's is alot of stuff for a teenager to be going through. Not an adult yet not a baby either, he is in the in-between. Sometimes children just need to be listened to. Their understanding of things is incomplete due to the fact that they have not developed coping skills yet.But they are not aware of it. My father used to say to me when I was a teenager (and knew everything)"the older I get the dumber I get" I never understood that until I had children of my own. Now I KNOW that I do not know everything, but back then I thought I did. Try to help him develop coping skills, there are great books out that will assist you.
God Bless.

Sounds like you have your hands full. IGNORE bad behavior and just let him know you'll be there for him no matter what. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Good luck and get a psychologist to help him/ you. Hang in there!!!!

Sincerely,

K. Loving Mom of Chrissie 3 & Sarah 10 EMT 41 yrs.old feeling very old, but LOVE and compassion are all that matter. Hope you have a good friend to support you.

PS Sometimes Drs. OVERDIAGNOSE these days! I was on wellbutrin for PPD but decided to chill on my own. Walks in the park and fishing help.