I'm a little leary about posting here because I'm not looking for a bunch of religious fanatics telling me I need God or whatever. I get that business enough from my sister. So if all you have to tell me is "Find God." or "Go to church," just don't bother.
EDIT: If you are going to preach "God is the answer" but be a hypocrit in the rest of your post like my last response, then don't bother replying. God is ok, but hypocritical Christians are not.
I am so lost and depressed. I have been a single mother for just over a year now and every day is still a struggle. Up until recently, I still had a relationship with my daughter's father. It was purely sexual and stupid on both of our parts given his pregnant girlfriend, but after 3 years, it was hard for us to let go. I even tried to be friends with the girlfriend once he and I cut off sexual ties. The girl was jealous and constantly got mad if she found out he had spoken to me without her knowledge so that friendship didn't work out.
Since becoming single, I have met many different guys. Some probably worth the chance, others not worth a breath of air. Yet all of them got the same response-- "Get a clue, I'm not interested." I have told others, including my ex's mother, that I would rather be single than without him. How can I possibly move on when I am always thinking about him? What is he wearing? Which cologne did he put on this morning? Does he think about me/us/our daughter?
I'm so tired of being lonely in a room full of people. I go out with my daughter and she is all I focus on, even in a crowd of friends. I go out with my friends and she is all I think about even though she is well cared for and safe at home. I don't feel safe without him. I hate being alone.
Any other single moms feel like this or going through anything similar?
I want to thank most of you for your replies. I do appreciate the kind words some of you were able to spare.
For the rest of you... God is YOUR savior. For me, Gaia suits just fine. For those of you who felt the need to place judgement, your God will repay you for that. I did not come here for sympathy, by any means, I came here to ask if anyone else was sad and/or lonely as a single parent. Or if they had ever been sad and/or lonely before.
I am going to take some of your advice. I will try to get back into Pilates. I'm also a published poet and today, the gods sent me my sign. I received a book offer to publish my poems nationally. I'm going to get more information and see what I can do to get that done. I also play the violin, so I'm going to get in contact with my old teacher and start lessons up again.
I have me. I know me. I love me. But in loving me, I also love 2 other people. One will forever be in my life, the other... may not be here right now, but someday he might be. I know what makes me happy-- sometimes it's hard to find time for yourself when you have another little life completely depending upon you. But thank you for the kind words many of you were able to spare.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
I just had to post a big "GOOD LUCK!"
I'm also a published poet and play the violin. I find that writing is every helpful when you are lonely. I'm married but still become lonely anyways. This might sound a little funny but I still color, very relaxing, while watching a girly movie on tv.
It sounds like you got some good advice to go on, all the best.
I know how you feel. My youngest daughter's father, Chuck and I had been together for years. I have raised his children from a previous marriage. I moved out of state and wish I could be with him so badly. I am always wondering what he is up to. I recently joined a site to make new friends. I have been talking to this one guy for over a month now, he is great but he is not Chuck. Its hard but with the help of my family, and new friends I am trying to move on with my life.
Can I ask why the two of you broke up in the first place if neither one of you wanted to let go?
I am not going to tell you find God, but you do need to find someone and that is YOU!
I went through something similar with my kids father, I was so obsessed with him I forgot all about me. I have found that the more I focus on me, the less important what he is doing seems.
What were your goals in life? Your interests before you met him? Your interests as a child? What do you like to do? What brings you joy? These are the things that you need to focus on. Find a quiet time and make a list for yourself. Start doing for yourself. Not in a "its all about me" mode and start partying and hanging out. But in a mode of ...ok I need to get a hold of my life and where I want to go - for me and for my daughter who is watching me. You have your best years ahead of you, they will be what you make it! How do you want to be remembered? What do you want your daughter to say about her Mom when she grows up and is remembering her childhood? What do you want to be thinking about when you are old and remembering when you were in your twenties? Sit and write this all down! Seriously. I did this and cried and cried, because I realized how far I was from my dreams and the person I was meant to be and that is why I was so depressed!
Maybe go back to school to study something you like or open a business from one of your hobbies. Start working out - it helps to get the blood moving, it fills you with a good positive feeling. Take a class or get a trainer as right now you need to get motivated and moving!
Also, try to eat healthier, lots of fruits and vegetables. It seems the more depressed I got the more junk food and fried foods I wanted and that really has an affect on your mood- it brings you even more down. When you eat healthy it makes you feel much lighter! Don't make it a chore like I have to eat a salad for lunch everyday, but just try to keep it in mind and buy healthy snacks, so if you feel like munching, you will grab a carrot stick instead of a potato chip (ok used to be my favorite depressed mood snack);>
I sincerely hope this helps you, as I know how dark and lonely it can be when you are depressed. You are wayyyyyy stronger than you realize, this is just a bump in the road!
Go Mama!
A.
I do believe that a spiritual presence in one's life can bring peace, but I also believe that there are many paths to God and we all must find our own way. However, if you are interested in spiritual food for the soul and thought provoking words you can go to dailyword.com and get a free daily message that is spiritual based. That being said I am not a relegious fanatic and will not say anymore if at all possible as you have requested.
I am a single mom and have been for almost 8 years. I had a very turbulant relationship with my childs father and had to put it to an end for sanitys sake and for both myself and my childs well being. I can relate to focusing primarily on your child as many single mom's do. I made the mistake of having my life revolve completely around my child and it became very difficult for him to seperate from me. I am not certain that that will be the case in your situation but I suggest that you try to make time to do something for yourself that you have always wanted to do. Read that self improvement book or take that art class or any other thing that really strikes a chord within you.
To take the focus off of him and back on you Listen to your inner voice, Your Dreams, YOUR DESIRES (other than your ones for him).
Not having my own biological father in my life I wanted desperately for my child to have his father in his life and tried everything I could to make that happen. Unfortunately, I had to come to terms with the fact that he did not choose to be with me and our child. He did not truly want to start over and have a family because if he did we would have been raising our child together and not me waking up alone and frustrated when medicine had to be given every 4 hours etc.
I am sure by this you get the picture. What I am trying to say is really look at the situation and ask yourself what do you truly want? What is really possible? What is the best thing for everyone? I say this because although you have stopped the sexual aspect of the relationship the relationship or the yearning for it still is very alive inside of you. The answers to the questions will differ but what truly matters is that the answers help you work through what ever it is that you need to so that you can move on or do something about your current situation to change it into what you truly desire.
As for telling others to get a clue, this sounds familiar as well. I am just now looking to remarry and we have been seeing each other for 2 years and will not be married for another year or so. As mom's we become more selective and settling just won't due. SO it may take you a while until you are even ready to date but the most important thing right now is to LOVE YOU, and NURTURE YOU. Make certain that you keep your own word to yourself. Make certain that you are gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. If YOU are doing the best that you can then when you get down tell yourself at this moment I am doing the best that I can and this moment will pass. Heck sometimes it takes a while for the moments to pass this I know.
I hope this helps and I hope that you are not offended by my opening statements. I have been a single mom, Unemployed, alone, depressed and wanting what I could not have. I made up my mind to make things better and I hope that things get better for you soon.
Sincerely,
De
Hi A...
Your whole tirade is ME,ME,ME..
If you and your ex had such a wonderfull relationship then why is another woman pregnant with his child. Do you have no compassion for this other person. Do you want her and her child to be like you and yours? And why wouldnt she be jelous of you..I mean she is not parinoid you DO want to sleep with her man and steal him away from her.I wonder why she dont want him around you..She must be crazy.
The solution is to think about someone other than yourslef for a change and then others will think more of you. I am sure these other guys were not interested in you once they went out with you because you are a very shallow person. I have never seen a soul that needed GOD more than you do. But then you just want to think about yourslef and not be botherd with the moral restrictions that being a christian would inflict on your unmoral behavier. IF you love your child then be a good mom and role model, by trying to be a better person and quit your whining if you dont want to hear the truth..Listen to your sister..God is the answer, not just for your salvation but if you just try to live the way he wants you to you will find happiness in the hear and now..
so, I'm confused? We're supposed to be sympathetic that you're single while you were sleeping with the father of your child who is also the father to his girlfriends unborn child? And stil you don't understand why the friendship doesn't work.. um, yea...
Anyhow, to your questions:
Empty sex is an issue of void. You need counciling.
I do feel for you that you are lonely, but the most important thing is for you to figure out what makes you happy. No one else is responsible for your happines. When you figure that out, the rest of your life will fall into place.
We've all been hurt and wronged, you are not alone. But make some smarter choices and your void will fill again.
Sorry, but again, no sympathy here for homewreckers or cheaters..
The Bible was written to guide you, perhaps you can find some sympathy in there as it's filled with pleanty of it. Especially for women such as yourself who are lost and depressed and looking for more.
You could start with Mary Magdeline, that's who Jesus was in love with...
J.
I can't say I have been in that situation but..I have been so in love it was hard to let go....He will always be your babies father....Why did you guys break up if you are obviously still in love with him...also if he cheated on her he obviously still has something for you even if it was just great sex...something is missing with his new girlfriend.
The good news is you are still socializing. I have a medical problem with depression, and though it's been a while since the last episode, I get to the point where I stay in bed and do not do anything. After my ex-husband and I split, I did the same thing you are doing. I didn't want to face life alone, and I didn't want to share it with anyone but him. Time. It does take time to mend a broken heart. I don't suggest trying to fill the void with just anyone. You'll be filled with regrets, if not immediately, then somewhere down the road. Don't forget that your daughter is watching your every move. If you have to, be strong just for her. I understand the loneliness you are experiencing. Put all your energy into caring for her. When it comes to grown-up time, just hang with the girls. There's a whole lifetime ahead of you to find "someone." Perhaps you are not ready yet. Use "now" as a time to bond with your daughter. She'll appreciate that you were there for her when her father wasn't.
Stay strong!
C.
i know the feelings.... it took me a long time to get over my daughter's father and then when i divorced my first husband - i went through it again.
it hasn't been that long for you. give yourself time. stop worrying about finding someone else right now and just focus on your daughter. let yourself have the thoughts and feel the emotions. with time you will settle down and be ready to find someone new.
when i went through this, i was like you. i thought of him often and like you when i went out, i thought about my daughter all the time - even though i knew she was cared for.
be nice to yourself. stop kicking yourself so much. it will take time for you to "get over" him - but it will happen. and when you are ready - you will find someone new who can be good for you and your daughter.
Hi A.,
I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time and seeing the responses of other women that seem to be judging you can be hard. I'm not a single mom, however, I know a lot of single moms.
You are taking care of your child. You also need to take care of yourself as well. How long have you had this lost feelings? I find it hard to believe that all of these feeling are caused by a guy. If you can, you should definitely go to your doctor, you might suffer from post partum depression. I had it undiagnosed for the first two years of my daughter's life. I felt lost among other things.
He's just a guy remember even single moms get to find the nice decent guy. My aunt was a single mom and she found a nice guy and they've been together now for 10 years.
Take Care
A.~
I know what you are going through. A few years back I went through a very similar situation. I split with my son's father after 8 1/2 years. Although it was the right thing to do, I soon began to regret it. I thought I would be alone forever and soon became a little "psycho" over him. I mean I would get up at 3am and drive by his house to see if he was home and who was with him, and a few other things I won't bore you with :o) It sounds so crazy when I think about it now, but I thought I still loved him. Anyway, one day I realized I needed to get myself together so I took off out of town with my son and went to my parents for about a week. I needed to leave the area so I would not run into him or be tempted to go look for him. During that time I decided it that it was all about me and my son. I didn't need anyone else in my life. I finally realized, damn it, I am a good person and I don't deserve to feel like this. So I sucked it up and enjoyed the rest of my trip. I went home and went out with some friends with my new carefree attitude and I wound up meeting a guy at the bar that night. That was about 6 years ago. That guy and I have been happily married 5 years and I have 2 other kids. My life is not perfect by any means, but you know what, it works for me. I am happy, I feel good about myself and I love my kids!
Anyway, the moral of my story is you need to focus on life with you and your daughter. You are a good person and deserve to be happy. Even if right now that means you are happy by yourself with your daughter. That old saying that you find love when your not looking for it, I totally believe. Trust me, the last thing I was thinking when I went out with the girls was that I was going to meet my future husband.
Good luck! Its hard, but really will work out in the long run. There is a reason you and your ex are no longer together. Trust me you will figure it out and enjoy the future so much more.
Best of luck to you and I hope I don't sound too "preachy!" :o)
Hi, My name is G. and I am A positive EnergyLifestyle Coach and Counselor.
I Mainly work with Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils.
I have an oils that I give clients Called JOY.
iT IS A NATURAL ANTI DEPRESSANT.
7 years ago I was suicidal depressed and yes God was the main influenced but I needed tools to get there. I didn't want to hear or talk about God.
o I started taking Yoga, breathing classes and before I knew it I went to massage school and became a yoga teacher myself.
7 years later yes God is now my main focal point but there was alot of stuff in between that helped me.
JOY being one tool.
If Your interested in more contact me at
____@____.com
don't be turned off by the email
I am living the life not preaching it.
Peace be with You
G.
i am sorry you are down. you are getting over a relationship and the truth is it can be sad, even when you know you two shouldn't be together.
i don't God is the fix but maybe preoccupying yourself can be a start. try something new. you're probably busy and there is not a constant cash flow but try something new anyway.
if you have good health ins try therapy. it can be a great way to talk to someone and learn different methods of relaxing.
i am the same age as you with a two year old and although i am married life can still be tuff.
write if you need anything specific.
If you don't love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you either.
Do you really want a man that doesn't want you? Is that what you dreamed up when you were a little girl?
You have a child with him. You had a relationship with him. (not a healthy one) You have a past with him so it will be hard to get him off your mind. If you have mutual friends, find new ones. Don't go to the same places you used to go together. Even if that means moving to a new town, it could be the best thing to happen to you. You are giving him control of your happiness. Is he really worth all that?
And you're not the only person who's ever felt lonely. Reach out to the people around you. See your doctor and get some help for you. It's does get easier with time.
Hi, I'm a single mom with a wonderful son who is 8 years old. My son is learning delayed, hearing and vision impaired.
It has now been 2 1/2 years since my divorce from his dad. The hurt, will leave, but it takes time. Always remember, "baby steps". You have to build up your self-esteem first. Don't concentrate on other relationships and your ex husband.
It is hard to move-on, but you will. Moving on doesn't mean that you have to be in relationship with someone, moving on is accepting that you are a "single" mom and going on with your life. Until you make that adjustment, you will not be in a healthy relationship with anyone.
I am still single, but I have let the anger, hurt, fear, jealousy go and now I can say, I'm happy. I'm not dating but just taking it day by day.
I have surrounded myself around great and positive people and have watched my ex have a girlfriend and just moved on.
You will get through this. Just believe in "you". Your a great mom and a great person, now live that!
I am a mother of a seven year old and went through a terrible separation when she was 4, I was heart broken. I never thought I'd get over it.
Three years later I am married to a fabulous man and never think about him. Staying busy and time is the only thing that will heal this wound you have. My advice to you is focus on two people your child and yourself. You should be bettering yourself, go back to school, get a degree or a masters. Make yourself smarter and stronger, if you don't feel good about who you are, no one will ever (no matter how wonderful he is) will make you feel happy. It's time to take control of your life, forget about him and better yourself for you and your daughter!
A.,
Not sure if you have insurance, but if you do.. then get some professional help and talk to a psycologist....you had lived before THIS MAN and you can live after THIS MAN .. you need to start thinking logically -- HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION -- he is just exploiting you .. look at his character from an outsider's view -- having/cheating two women at the same time (you and the girlfriend ..), May be he has looks and charms, but his soul is corrupted .. and he should not be in your daughter's life either .. would you like your daughter to be around morally corrupted people who have no soul ..
You need help to get out of his memories .. and then you may find someone who is worth your time and energy .. I am sorry Girlfriend .. but find the courage and surround yourself with the people who care about you and give you honest advice. My friend's hubby also cheated on her and she was totally in love with him .. until he moved out and .. finally after couple years after divorce .. she could break his cycle of exploiting her .. and now she is with a wonderful man and can see How she was trapped then .. but at that time she thought that her EX was great .. and that's what happens in the relationship .. you are somewhat blind-folded.
I hope you can come out of his tricks very soon.
Take Care
I am truly sad for you. It is so difficult to move on or refocus your life when you are still in love with someone who doesn't love you back... at least not in the way you deserve.
My husband abandoned me and our two babies (23 months and 8 months) a month before our second son was born. I too am living with family. It was really difficult to have the man I vowed my life to just decide he never really loved me. He's given me nothing toward the kids, he stopped paying the mortgage and the house is in foreclosure, all the bills are delinquent, and I will have to declare bankruptcy. I truly loved him and had hopes that he would come to his senses and realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him (even his mom, dad, brother, and best friends told him that), but when someone is utterly and completely selfish, there's nothing you can do to change that. So, I have chosen to let him go and have removed him completely from my heart.
It is only my Faith, Family, and Friends that have kept me sane through all of this. It's been incredibly difficult being a single mom to two babies, but I find strength for each new day as I look into their eyes and realize the blessings I have been given.
I truly wish you a life of joy from this point forward. May the choices you make, even today, ensure your happiness. You are young and have much to offer... I can tell by the way you write. And, please know that you do not have to "go to church," or "clean up your life," or any other magical phrase that you've heard in order to have the love of God fill your heart. He loves you already... this very moment. All that is required from you is that you accept His perfect love for you. That's it... nothing else! I hope you will feel His peace come into your life and rescue you from the despair that is holding you captive. You are a treasure!
It sounds like you are looking in all of the wrong places. You need to find yourself and heal yourself not find a guy or a relationship. Deal with the fact your relationship is over and move on. You need to be strong for your daughter, children can sense things. Maybe conseling would help. I see too many of my friends like you try to find a guy to make it better and in the end they end up in their second or more ended relationship or divorce. Until you learn to love yourself you will never have a successful relationship. Healing and moving on involves finding something within you. Spirituality is normally the key. I wish you the best and hope you can move on and heal.
My daughter is 28 and she also gets depressed. She recently had not been playing racket ball for about a week and could not figure out why she was so depressed. She went for a workout and realized the next day that she was singing on the way home from work. She told me about it and how she had forgotten that exercise is very helpful to someone with depression. You might want to give it a try. If that doesn't work, you might want to make an appt. with a counselor.
B. M
Here is what I know. The situation that you are in is neither bad nor good, it just is. But your response to it can be either positive or negative. The choice is yours. Choose what is best for your baby. That is truly the only thing you have control over right now.
I know that you can choose to be remorse about your break up or you can choose to be the best mother of your baby possible. The choice is completely up to you. Children learn what they live. What is she learning right now?
B. B.A;B.Ed.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com
A.,
From one woman to another, you have to find it within yourself to let go, move on, whatever it is you are needing to accoplish. I'm not a religious person, so I'm not going to tell you God is the answer because in my experience it's not the case. I sincerely wish I could give you a magic piece of advice or pill that could sever that emmotional tie you have to him. I have been married for 12 years and have an entirely diffrent set of problems. Do you have insurance? You may try therapy(which only works if you are willing to let go and acknolege you need a little help like all of us do from time to time) If not, call the health deparment and see if they can direct you somewhere that you can pay on a sliding scale, or may be free.
I wish you the best in these hard times. Enjoy that little girl...it will always get you through the day!
J.
Hi A.,
I'm not going to tell you to find God because he knows where we are. Those things are between you and Him. I will tell you though that everything you are feeling is normal. When we marry, we literally join flesh and he has TORN you apart. That is not an expression. We are meant to stay married.
Now, how do you go on? You get up in the morning, you drink your coffee, you go to work, and you come home. Love your little girl and don't worry about having fun. She is a part of the man that you love. Pour that love into her. It will not go wasted. Raise her the way that you would want if you had your greatest desire.
I know you hate being alone but the only choice you have is start over with someone else. And you said you're not ready for that. It seems to me he has made it clear he is not coming back. Don't torture yourself. Time doesn't heal immediately, but it does heal.
I do wish you well.
Hi A.,
I know it's a little late responding to your question. I know what it's like to be depressed. Not a good feeling at all. The advice I would like to give you is don't let the situation break you down to the point where you might need medication. Snap out of it and stay focused on you and your daughter. I was single with two kids for about three years. I missed my ex and went back and forth sexually. I got no where with that. It just prolonged the hurt. Hold your head up and take care. You'll find someone special when the time it right.
Dear A.,
My name is K. and I was in your place a year ago.I am 25 with an 18 month old daughter as well. My ex and I got married and he left me for my best friend and a month after I got pregnant he slept with my best girl and she got pregnant with his son, whom he now lives with and takes care of. I found a new man who has three kids of his own so I am now the mother of four soon to be five in may..
I am truly sorry for the blow you were dealt! I sometimes still find myself wondering where he is or how is doing but this will pass. Just keep focusing on your beautiful daughter and always know you are never alone in the world...Your daughter is always there.It takes a long time to be able to move on with your life and you can't expect it to happen over night as I am sure you know. Just think of it as a chance to grow in your relationship with your daughter. Focus on being there for her and eventually the right man will come along. Just don't go out looking for him....When the time is right he will show up...
Listen if you ever need a person to chat with just let me know I am always around to help a fellow mom!
Truly and sincerly,
K.
Hi A.,
So sorry you are having such a difficult time. No God stories here. I am 38 and know all about being cheated on and in love with someone that doesn't love you back. I had a baby in high school, gave her up for adoption and then punished myself for about 16 years for that decision. I never was in a healthy relationship until I met my husband. We actually were friends for 6 years before we dated.
You need to find something that make you happy or at least you are interested in. You may even want to try taking heral supplements. I use Valarian root to sleep. Sleep is crucial to clear thought and energy for the next day. Is there a YMCA near you? Join! Work out! Even if you have no $ they will not turn you away and they have wonderful activities for you little one. Do something for YOU everyday. Don't just think about him and your daughter, if you don't take care of you who will take care of her?
It will take time but things will get better.
Always remember, "no boy is worth crying over, and the one that is will not make you cry!"
We are all here for you. Email me if you want. ____@____.com
Good Luck and keep you chin up!
J.
I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling and find out why you continue to be obsessed with this guy and to get some help in letting him go so you can move on with your life. It sounds like you are living in the past and are not claiming your present life.
It's very diffcult and lonely being a single mother. You have to accept where you are now and strive to create a better life for you and your daughter in the future. It doesn't sound like it's going to be with this guy so you are better off letting him go instead of grasping toward something that doesn't exist. I know it's hard. I've been there, but believe me, once you let him go you will feel so much better. I wish you the best.
A.,
I feel so sorry to hear your sad tale. It is so hard to pull yourself out of depression and move on with your life. From what you say, the father of your baby is committed to another - and will not leave her. If that is true, then you need to find a way to let go and move on. For your sake, and the sake of your child... I would suggest joining a Mom's club, or some group where Mom's can meet and talk and children can play together. Check your area to see if there is anything available to you.
I know you don't want to hear about "Finding God" but let me just suggest to you that often there are organizations within your local churches that might offer friendship and support to you during this time. Check out what might be available if you started going to church. Trust me, being around other people, especially other people who are caring and supportive is going to help you.
You say when you go out that your daughter is safe and well cared for... do you have the support of your own parents or family? I hope so. Having family love and support is going to be really helpful, both to you and to your daughter.
It is good to be focused on your child and her needs, but don't let her be the only thing you care about. You need to have something for yourself too. I hope you will talk to people.. friends, co-workers, family.. and look for support and help from people who care about you.
If you start feeling hopeless or suicidal, PLEASE talk to your doctor about anti-depressants.
Read some good books that help with Self Esteem.
Most of all... look for support groups, and support from friends and family who care about you and your daughter. Reach out to people around you -- once you start to be involved with others - and get focused on other people, you might be able to move on from this guy.
I wish you the very best.
M.
