Advice on a Matter of the Heart

I want to tell you my short story.
More than 15 years ago, I met a man who after only a few short days KNEW would be my husband. A year and half later I gave birth to our daughter. We married in high school. I knew I loved him but wouldnt find out how much I loved him and was in love with him until we were no longer together.

A year into our marriage, a girl told me she had slept with him. And I was torn as to who I should believe, so I left. We divorced. I married the next jerk in line, basically something to do. I was still in love with my 1st husband and it didnt matter who I was with, I would never be happy again. A horrible marriage and a divorce 8 years later. I was tired of being miserable. For 8 years I would dream of my first husband, and knew I would be in love with him always. I dont know that I held out hope for us to be together. But our hope lived in my mind and dreams.

I returned "home" the weekend of the hurricane and we ran into each other in town. He still lived near home always maintaining he was innocent and it never happened and he would always love me. He told me for 10 years to "come back home". We had talked a few times over the years we were apart but everytime feelings would come into play I would get nervous and leave. I didnt want to be hurt again. We ended up talking long into the night one day, and after agreeing to a date - a real date, we starting seeing each other again. He treated me the same way as before. Aslways kind, caring, respectful. I fell IN love again, and we remarried 2 years ago this summer. And after 2 surgeries to fix my infertility issues, we are expecting another child (our second).

I cannot tell you what to do. But if you hold out hope for you and him, you never know when it will work out. We tried several times over a period of 10 years to work it out, but the timing for ME was never right. I'm not saying it will take 10 years but we are both grown up, more mature (we were 16 and 18 when we married and 18 and 20 when we divorced). We dont take each other for granted. And we BOTH had a lot of growing up to do.

I wish you the best of luck. And if you truly love him, then wait for him. I know it can get lonely, but he waited 10 years for me, and I KNOW that is true love.

This may sound a little on the cold side but from your ordeal it seems that you had a chance to get married with a decent guy (any guy who's willing to marry you and your 6 kids is deserves an OK! )It doesn't sound like he has gotten over you and is in the current relationship out of being rejected. However, a good communicative type relationship with him is the best way to go. From my experience as a prior single mom (now extremely happily married) there's nothing wrong with waiting for someone. You're not sitting at home depressed you'd simply allow time and opportunity to arise, what happens is you date and date and go thru this rollercoaster of trying to find the right guy and you end up hurt and devalued with nothing gained. I was single for 4 years, yes I went out to activities but I never got seriously involved much less physically (yes abstained) then I quit looking and BAM! he found me. My life has never been better, I already had a daughter and he took her as his own and loved her which is what really impressed me the most. After 2 more children I often wonder what if I had gone off with whoever... I was also divorced and was afraid of remarriying but he was well worth it. You could start off very slow, group dating or public events without risking to much. God has it all under his control if we would just allow Him.
Your babies father just might sit up and take notice that you're willing to focus on what is important to you. It may very well be that he is not it but he'd still respect you the more for it.

You're pretty young and sounds like you are not willing to settle for any ol'joe so give yourself time,allow yourself to be free to choose - seems that you have thought this all out, remember that the heart can be deceitful. A wise woman uses both her head and her heart.

You should go to him and tell him how u feel while the window of opportunity is open. U don't want to be thinkin for the rest of your life..what if...If he tells u that he does not want to work things out, then u go on with your life. At least then u would know.

It sounds like you need to take a break from men and focus on yourself and your new baby. Your hormones are still going to be all over the place since you've just given birth and that will make any relationship a roller coaster. Why not just focus on your new baby and forget dating for a couple years..

i think this is a good time to turn to the Lord for what you're not getting. God doesn't want this for your life. search the Bible for answers and take what each woman says here with a grain of salt. our intentions are good but we don't have the answers. enjoy your new baby and your other kids and train them up in the way they should go (prov. 22:6) and delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (psalm 37:4). good luck.
blessings,
A.

S.-
It will take some time to get over the relationship problems of the past. The best thing that you can do for your baby is to keep the relationship that you have with their father is a good friendship. I would not rush into another relationship too soon, but dating others may let those feelings subside. Maybe after a while, you and your ex may find that the friendship may become more when you do not expect it to grow. Do not live your life expecting him to come back, but a great friendship will go along way.

Hi S.,

First I want to say how much I admire and respect the fact that you are raising 6 kids on your own and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Regarding your matter of the heart, if you still have feelings for this man, tell him how you feel. It's probably fear that's keeping you from expressing your feelings, but if you don't, just as you said, you'll always wonder "what if". I would give this situation to God and ask Him to guide you. If you and this man were meant to be together, He will make it happen. Good luck to you and God bless!

J.

I admire you for your strength to deal with your situation. I am sure God will show you the path to take just go slow until you see it.

K.
PowerTollBooth.com

Focus on your child. You can have a friend but nothing absolutely nothing serious. Your child is your primary concern at this time. The child will become attached to whomever you bring into his life and when that person walks, the child will suffer emotionally as well as you. So concentrate on your child and when your child is out of high school, then focus on finding you a permanent partner.

I understand what you are going through, b.c I went through a similar situation witht he father of my child. It's funny how men can just pick so easily after one relationship and move on to the next and leave you with a newborn child. I know exactly what you are going through, MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO MOVE ON. No matter how hard it will be, no matter how much you think about it, no matter what any one else says about him or you. I used to find myself almost obsessing over why my relationship with my daughter's dad didnt work out. I tried talking to friends and family but that didnt help. One night, i prayed to God and asked him to show me or give me a sign if this man wasnt right for me. Lord, have mercy he did. God showed me that this was probably the worst man I ever met in my life, he was probably unfaithful to me from the start, risking my life and his. The reason why i say that is b.c i found out after I had my child that, he had another baby on the way, with no remorse for me, or my feelings but ultimately my child. When his other child came, my child no longer existed in his life or his families life. I found out he was living something like a gig-a-lo where women paid him for sex and the #1 woman who gave him everything was the one who ended up pregnant. I also found out he was and adament drug dealer and a gambler. Of course, he left the other woman shortly after being with her and basically using her up. This woman stalked me because she thought that he was with me, she thought I broke them up, i didnt even know this lady and she had all of my info, knew where i lived and had my phone #, she called me almost everyday, constantly, 10 times a day or more until she realized that it wasn't me. Yes, maam, the shit hit the fan and all of it did. I wish there was a blog like this when i was going through all of that, and based on all of that drama, I had no choice but to move and I am grateful that God showed me the truth and sent me someone who truly loves me for me. Keep your heart sane and please move on, maybe your heart will hurt for a little while but you will get over it, and one day you will find someone for you, your sole mate.

S. B. My first advise is to concentrate on your family, you have 6 children that need you -- all of you -- they should be your first priority. Men coming in and out of their lives makes for an unstable existence. This may seem strong - but until you are happy with being on your own and standing on your own two feet - then you will make choices about men that are self destructive. Concentrate on becoming a better mom, make some women friends who build you up, take some classes, join a yoga group. Make choices from strength, not neediness. Whoever you choose is not just your mate, but your children's potential father -I advise taking a break from men altogether and find yourself and make sure your children are getting 100% of your time, support, love, and commitment, so they can grow up and make choices from strength. It's up to you on how happy you will be, no one else. Get on with your life and focus on what is important and the rest will take care of itself when it is right. Don't force life - Good luck and you are not alone - look around you and look at those 6 beautiful children, you are family. S.

S.,

It sounds like this is a good time for you to focus on "you". If you had cold feet -- trust your instincts -- It sounds like you have been through a lot. Try to take some time each day/week to do something for yourself -- either exercise, get a pedicure, etc. If you have unresolved issues from your marriage, consider talking to a counselor -- there are programs where this is very affordable, and can be such a great gift to yourself and your kids. When Mommy is happy, everyone is happier. It wouldn't hurt to go on a date if that makes you happy, just proceed with caution.

Dear S., Some times is better to let them go. Ask your self if this is what for your kids, you migth give the wrong message I now is not easy been a singal mom; I'm one of many and, I have been divorce 4 year. Don't be scare, on the end you will find your self as a brave mother and that how you want your kids to see you mostly the girls. And if you do, give you time let the bad experince heal, that will make you a better and strong woman that reserve respect.

Honey, my advice to you is move on. He showed his colors when you called off the engagement, if he truly loved you he would have been patient and understanding. You said it yourself he is beyond it. You deserve to be happy and have a life and I know you are thinking who will have me with 6 kids, well I am sure God has someone for you, someone who will be good to you and your children. I am 55 years old and I am by myself. I put up with enough from the men in my life to last me a lifetime, I have 2 sons, 23 & 37,( and they have both given me grief with the drugs and alcohol)and both their Dads were men of no commitment. So I say to you, enjoy your kids, teach them right and they will be your joy in your later years. And no I am not lonely, I have been by myself for nearly eight years and I wouldn't have it any other way. God bless you.

You have six kids and your last one is this new love's? Did you get cold feet or did he? Wow!

You are truly blessed but it is hard to get a quality relationship when you have so many children. If he has been dating again for 7 months it is probably over for now.
Are you a Christian? If so, instead of seeking human companionship, let Jesus be the love and focus of your life. Nurture your relationship with Jesus, and share him with your children. He will fill you like no human can and when you seek Him first all the desires of your heart will be added unto you Mathew 6:

My advise is to move on with your life. If you have the desire to date this guy who is asking, then go for it! your ex has already moved on with his life. Don't put your dating life on hold for him, If he really loves you he will go crazy once he realizes that he may have lost you to another man. When the man of my dreams and I broke up (i ended it) I went nuts a couple of weeks later when I saw him with another woman. I begged him back, I'm so glad now that he decided to sow his oats. He is still single and been in and out of relationships and even engaged and can't commit to anyone, And I am happily married for a year and a half now! I guess it turns out that he wasn't the man of my dreams after all!!! We don't always know what is best for us, and sometimes loss is actually gain! trust God , trust your future to unfold in front of you, never act out of fear, open your heart to love again! God and peace be with you.

Hey S.,

this is definately a hard situation to be in. i was not in the exact same situation, i was contemplating ending a relationship when i found out i was pregnant, well after bouncing back and forth for 3 years I left for good. I really think (and forgive me for being to frank) right now you need to concentrate on you and your kids. You were recently divorced when you got in a relationship with him and that caused problems. You need time to heal from that marriage, and from this past relationship before you can move on to something else. You still have emotions of a pregnant woman this early in the game and that makes a big difference. I say work on you and god will bring you your prince. I am a single mother of 2 kids by two different men. My son is the youngest, when i got pregnant his dad said he did not want me to have it but when i told him i was anyway he said he would step up and take care of his responsibility. Well needless to say he hasnt, my son is now 1 and he has seen him a total of 5 times. He still asks about us being together but I tell him no because I needed to get my life together. It is hard to be alone, and sometimes feel lonely. with kids you want adult interaction and affection. If he has been dating someone for 7 months that may also be and indication of where his head is. I am not saying it will not work but it won't if you keep holding on. He has moved on, you sit down and concentrate on what is best for you and your children and believe if it is meant to be it will be. You can email me at ____@____.com if you want to talk more or just vent, maybe we can meet for coffee or something. I have been there and I know how fustrating and hurtful it can be.

Quit sleeping with a man without a marriage commitment.
You are not putting a child first if you are not putting your
self first. Since it is after the fact, this man is not commited to you, he has moved on. See a lawyer and get the child support that is owed. You can not control other people only your self. You cannot make him love you or be a good father. Lean on your family, join a church, God will provide a male role model for your children, he will give you the unconditional love you are looking for. Our heavenly father
created you and loves you, He will meet all your needs, comfort your fears and provide people to help you.

I was engaged a long time ago to someone I thought was the most wonderful person in the world. He said all the right things, loved the music I loved and seemed to be so devoted to me. What happened was this. He had been cheating with his assistant teacher- we both taught pre-k in Philadelphia at the time- and he got the other girl pregnant. He said he had to do the right thing and marry her. So, we broke up and he married her. I was upset and- looking back-very angry too. I was very cerebral about the break up and told him that I wanted him to make his decision freely of his own accord without me having hysterics etc. So, that is why he married the other girl. Then, she went and got an abortion and he wanted to get back together with me. He kept coming to the dance studio where I was practicing- I was also in a modern dance troupe at the time, and I would hide behind the curtain and have friends tell him I was not there. Finally, I moved to Austin and got into a wonderful yoga group and met someone who has turned out to be a wonderful husband and father and Papa (Grandpa). We have been married since 1975. So, I would advise you to give someone else a chance. You may develop a wonderful relationship . Your ex is already seeing someone new. You must take care of yourself and build a good life for yourself. Write down qualities you want in someone and use this as a guide when you are going out. Do also consider that you need someone who wants to help you raise six kids. Good Luck. J. k.

It sounds like he has already moved on, so maybe it is time for you to, also. My suggestions is to pray. Pray and God will give you the answer you need. Sounds like you need to be happy with you first, before you jump into a relationship.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck and God Bless you,
K.

Staying, or getting back together, with your baby's daddy is not always the best solution. You should find someone who will LOVE and RESPECT both YOU AND YOUR BABY. Your baby's daddy doesn't sound like that kind of person. For the sake of your son, try to keep a civil relationship with him and encourage his love and help with YOUR SON. Asking more from him concerning you will just cause more problems and heartache...and it may discourage him from being involved in his son's life. If he has already moved on, then so should you. Again, find someone to love YOU and your kids...don't hold out for your ex just because you had a baby with him. Good luck and God Bless!

Be careful. Your child's safety and well being comes first. Don't put yourself in a situation you may have to struggle to get out of and regret later. Protect yourself and your baby. Stay cautious and make wise decisions. Be very choosy about who you go out with. .....and pray for restoration!

Deborah

My advice - please do not date! You have enough responsibilities to your existing children to go out and find another man - and your children need you to be a strong woman who doesn't need a man to make her whole. You already have a lot working against you as a divorced mother - I suggest that you look at the support system that you have and develop it even more so that you can have a safe place to "let it all out" and share the strain that you certainly must feel at this time. If you have daughters, they will watch how you conduct your personal life and may very well model their behavior on yours - and if you appear to need a man with the "He's not Mr. Right but he's Mr. 'Right Now' ", they may very well pick and choose a not-so-very-nice man to be their partner. If you have sons, you need to find some very good, moral role models for them - brothers, friends, church members - to teach them what a good, upstanding father should teach them. Also consider the possibility that any man who is interested in you may also have another interest in molesting your children - it is sad but true, but this is one way that pedophiles gain access to young children. I also suggest that you get in touch with a very good cognitive psychotherapist - there are free clinics with this service or you can get a referral from your primary physician or another healthcare provider, your church, or perhaps from a friend or colleague who has had a good experience with one - and get some therapy to help you find ways to make your personal and family life work in a positive way. Good luck and best wishes to you!

I'am going though something silimar to that, it's easy to say but you have to try and move on. I had hopes that my daughter and her father would get back to together for a very long time. Until one day I picked up my daughter from his house and she told me, daddy has a new friend. Less than a year he married her her. Til this day I still can't get serious with anyone right now.

It does take a while, try and stay active to keep your mind off of him.

I have not been in your situation, but I feel compelled to tell you to let him go. There is a book by Dr. Laura called 10 Stupid Things Woman Do (refering to relationships). It has been many years since I read it, but I think it covers this situation. Find someone else that will love and cherish you. He has moved on (7 months ago!). You should, too.

S. M