Daughter Claims She "Hates" My Boyfriend

To give you some first hand advice. When I first started dating my ex husband, I was the first girl he had been with since his sons mom. My step son didnt like me at first, he wouldnt listen to me, when i would tell him things he would run to his dad. He would ask his dad to read to him, ask his dad to go outside with him, and made it clear i wasnt a part of the plan. I kept being nice, I never lost my patience, and i kept telling him i loved him. When we got married, I asked him to be in the wedding he was thrilled, we had a special part of the wedding just for him, where i pinned a flower on his suit in front of everyone. So he had a special moment, for him. As time went on we became very close, I divorced his dad almost 3 years ago. He was 6 when i met him, hes 14 now. I still keep in touch with him, he has come to stay the night at my house to see his brother and sister. We have gone places together, and he still calls me to tell me what is going on his life. After I divorced his dad, he told me that he wished we would have stayed together forever, because he loves me, and he didnt want me to leave his dad. What a difference from the very beginning. Tell your bf to be patient. I know its hard sometimes, but in time she will be ok. Even though I am not married to my xhusband anymore, I still love my stepson dearly, as if he were one of my own. It just takes one day at a time.

D.,

I went thru the same thing as your daughter, when my parents divorced. If he and you are both in this relationship for the long haul, go to counciling and take your daughter too. Trust me, now that I am a mom and wife, I see things from my mother's point of view. But back then if we had had family counciling my step-dad & I would have had a better first 5 yrs of their marriage. Good luck.

I truly hope if this is the right man you stay with him.She has been alone with you for awhile, so if he stays permanently in your life,she will eventually warm up to him and accept this.But bouncing a child like your x did with other women all the time is not healthy for the child.It causes them to get confused, which does not help. I hope you stay with him and it all works out for everyone.

D. -

Having divorced parents is really hard, I know, both my parents have been married 3 times. And it started when I was 8. It is jealousy somewhat, as the daughter you get used to the one on one time and it is hard to get used to someone else coming and stealing that. No matter how much attention you give her when he is around it's not the same amount she is used to. She will adjust I promise. The other side of it is that having another person coming in as a "father" figure can be really frustrating. It may not have phased her as much when your husband remarried because she doesn't live with him fulltime so it isn't like his new wife is trying to replace you, however, with you and your boyfriend - he is coming into her fulltime home, this is a place she probably still has in the back of her mind as her father's. Give it time, if she does have fun with you two and does seem to like him when he is around then truly all you need is an adjustment time. Continue to do something special with just her occasionaly still from time to time, it will help ease the transition. With my first stepfather it was 3 years before I really started to trust him and consider him family. And then they divorced too, so you can imagine the torture my mother's next husband had, but in the end he turned out to be a great father figure in my life. Keep faith it will work out and in the end she will end up loving him just like a "father", the man my mom is married to now is great and he is a great Grandpa to my children too! It'll work out. ** sorry for the lengthy reply but I felt I could really give you some insight**

D.,
Hey! I thought I was the only one having that problem. But my daughters are teenagers (15 and 16). They have never really liked anyone I went out with since my divorce from their dad 8 years ago. I now have someone in my life I have been with for two and a half years now and am engaged to and have a baby by as well (she is now 15 months old). My teenagers claim they don't like him but they occasionally interact with him. Of course, they are beginning to have lives of their own now and don't spend alot of time at home. With my experience of younger ones in the same situation, I have learned that children are usually very good judges of character. Don't assume that she is just rebelling against you spending time with him and not completely focused on her. Take into consideration how she truly feels. Take her somewhere, just you and her (no one else), have fun, and touch on the subject of him. Ask her what it is that is bothering her about him, if something happened or was said that upset her. Children don't usually just do an about face like that and stop liking someone for absolutely no reason. I'm not insinuating that he did something but sometimes the smallest of things, to a child, can be really big when it comes to their feelings. Oh, by the way, my ex has also been remarried and divorced as well. He has had a couple of other "steadies" to. Our daughters seemed to get along well with them also. I'm not sure what that is all about, but it seems a bit common among mothers who are divorced from their children's fathers and try to be in a decent relationship with someone else. Good luck on this one. But you may want to try my suggestion with her. If you already have, I don't know what else to tell you except maybe sitting down with her and your boyfriend and talking about the problem.

Boy it sounds like you have your work cut out for you. To me, just based on what you've said, it sounds like she's having some jealousy issues. While she is going to enjoy you and your new boyfriend spending time with her, she's still going to need time with JUST you alone. Some special, uninterrupted time with JUST YOU. She's used to it being the two of you, and when your boyfriend is around, she's going to feel put out. Make sure that every day you spend special time dedicated to just the two of you. The only way she's going to "accept" your boyfriend is if she feels like she's not losing you TO him. If you're able to spend an hour a day with her doing something fun like getting some ice cream, or just talking and playing with things that she's interested in. Maybe as an added bonus on days you're going to be seeing your boyfriend or he's coming to spend time with you two, spend an extra 30 minutes ON TOP of that hour. Might be a way to make sure she knows that she's always #1 in your heart and life.

I wish you the best of luck.