Child with Seperation Problems

Hi J.,

I work in an elementary school, and I am sure that the guidance counselor would be happy to talk to your daughter. Our guidance counselor is very good with different situations. She could also probably refer you to a therapist if one is needed. I also agree with some of the other responses that say to just talk to your daughter. I imagine that this is a difficult time for her. Especially if this is the first "serious" relationship you have had in a while. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

F.

The first thing I picked up on was the statement "beats on my bedroom door". I am not coming down on you at all, we are talking about a child. When my fiance came on the scene my 6 year old started thirsting for my attention. When he came along someone else was getting my attention. But to this day my door stays open. I never want my children to feel like I am choosing him over them or satisfying myself before I take care of them. They are children. I heard a talk show host say one time that it is selfish for people with children to get involved/living together with another mate after leaving or separating from the children's father. The separation is the first tramatic experience and then to bring someone else in the equation is mind blowing for a child. Even though I don't agree with that I can see where she is coming from. Children are very fragile. I can see where we should be a parent first then do something for ourselves.

By the way I have an 11, 8 and 6 year old.

Have you talked to her pediatrician about the situation. I don't know the whole story and I hope everything turns out ok. You may want to make special days for the girls and slow down the time with your friend and see if she improves. Then you can either rule out that it is attention based or find maybe other issues that are going on.

Hi J.
Im sure she feels awkward. I would not let him stay over until she is ready for him too. I know its hard but you have to make sure she is #1 in your life. You could maybe make dates that involve her and let them get closer. Talk to her and see whats going on. Make sure she knows that no matter what you will always be there for her and nothing will ever come between you and her. Make dates with just you and her. Explain to her that Mommy needs adult time too and that you want to share your life with a man but she will always be #1. Remember that children can sense things in people that we are blind to. Talking makes alot of problems go away. GOOD LUCK

Have you tried talking to your daughter? Asking her?....How much time are you actually spending with her? What about what might be going on at school?
Just some questions that immediately came to my mind....There has to be a reason and an answer. She is striking out so to speak for some reason and she might be jealous or feel threatened by your bf that someone is taking all her Mom's time...Don't know, just some thoughts...hope it helps...You can always say, 'Let's go get an ice cream' and then a little after you two are alone eating it, ask her, she should able to better communicate w/you..change the environment but make her feel comfortable enough to really talk to you. The important thing is to let her know you love her and are there for her and she can always come to you or talk to you... You can get to be bottom of it! Hope this helps~!

Hi J. i went threw a divoice and my children went blistic. i didn't know what hit me. You need to talk to her and tell her what going on. Let her know what you are doing with bring this man into her life this is the mistake i made. I just married my husband and not even considered how this would affect my kids. There Grades to fell and i didn't know what was happening. So i put them in consuling and prayer but finally got a handle on things because of ignorance. I just needed to talk to them i am all they had and they felt like my husband was taking that away from them. i am still having some problems but it getting better.

Hi J., I divorced my first husband when my boys were 5 and 3. I started dating again a couple of years later. My ex husband by no means ever or will ever win the "father of the year award" so he was not around much. It was pretty much me and the boys. I started dating this man, whom I am married to now, he has no children of his own. But when we started dating, we spent as much time with the boys doing fun stuff together, and made sure never to alienate them. The only time he ever spent the night when the boys were at home , is when he moved 4 hours away and would come and visit on the weekend. And then he slept on the couch. He nor I felt that it would be setting a very good example if we slept together. Even when we became engaged 2 years later, and we bought our house 2 months before the wedding, me and the boys moved in, he stayed with his sister until we were married. I think your daughter is having severe issues. Maybe the BF needs to spend a little time with her, maybe catch a movie or something, and he defintely needs to cut out the overnight business for a while. I know it is hard being a single parent and you want to have some grown up time, but your daughter comes first. Hopefully if this is a serious relationship your daughter will come to love and respect him, but he needs to respect her also. He is coming into her territory and is essentially a threat to the life she knows. Good luck I hope everything works out.

J.,

It sounds like something is really wrong with your daughter. She is crying out for some attention that she feels she is lacking. I would seek some counseling soon if you are going to keep seeing this man. Give her a chance to vent through a third party, not a family member or clergy, but someone she knows is indifferent in this situation. A professional whom she can tell anything to and know her confidence will not be broken. (Trust is so fragile with children this age.)

I dealt with a situation similar to this in my daughter's school last year like this, due to a situation that arose. Children can sometimes act out in ways that are not always good. Ask the boyfriend to give you some time and not spend the night until you know she is ready. If he really loves you, he will understand and appreciate you putting your daughter first. And seek out the therapist. You will be glad you did! You may even get to know your daughter better and I know you will be glad of that, due to the fact she only has two years left before she is an official "teenager!"

Good luck. And just remember, she wouldn't do this type of behaivor if there wasn't good reason to. She is crying out for help. Hang in there!

Sincerely,
Lee

sometimes bringing someone other than the dad home is hard for some children to adjust to especially at a young age becuase the child tends to want the parents together. maybe him staying over is a bit much for her to handle, how was she acting with him just being there during the day. there are many things that you may not think affects her but it does. try sitting down and talking to her or having a friend do that.

I would say that she is not experiencing seperation problems, but instead jealousy! She has to share you, even at night now. Try talking to her and find out what's going on before she rebels past the point of no return. You may want to halt overnight stays with the BF as well for the time being and see if there are any changes. If anything, there are many great places she can go for counseling. Contact me if you need any suggestions.
Good Luck!

I know how you and your daughter feel. My mom was a single mom and remarried several times and when i was under a teen i was made her life and hers spouses miserable. I felt threatened by the men in her life and was selfish child who felt like she put her men before me which wasn't true. she should have been tougher on me. We now i am a step parent. Acutally i have full custody and for 6 years my oldest son made my life hell. When he turned 12 is when things started going better actually great He tested me over and over. Played his father againest me. I stood firm and finally made his father see he was playing us. once he saw we were a united front it all got better good luck
B.

Well, your first problem is having this man spend the night. It really isn't setting a good example for her to see her Mom sleeping with a man that she's not married to - even if you have dated for a while. You're changing the whole dynamics of the household when you bring a man in and she is used to having "girl time" with you. Besides, she is probably going through puberty and its weird to not be able to walk around in her p.j.s , etc. if he's spending the night. Also,do you give her the same attention when he is there? Does she feel a part of the group or a third-wheel? It sounds like she feels that she isn't getting enough attention. Don't you think it would be better to sleep with your boyfriend when she is out of the house?