Am I over Reacting? - Los Angeles,CA

Stop it.

My eldest daughter's dad got my son (me and my husband's child) a birthday present last year 'from the girls', and he got my husband and I a wedding gift. I've given his girlfriends daughter birthday presents... and I've never met the child.

My husband's ex wife gave me 4 huge boxes of toddler clothes for my son. They still speak once in a while, no big deal. She's even invited me to jewelry parties and stuff!

My husband's ex wife's best friend has also given me stuff for the baby.

My point is, don't feel so threatened. They have a child together. Lee P and Cheryl O said it best... I really don't feel like they're trying to work things out, but they are remaining cordial for the sake of their daughter, and that's really important. You guys should consider going to couples counseling and working through some of these trust issues.

Best wishes!!

I can't address the lying, etc. but the stuff with the ex doesn't sound like a big problem - it will get big if you bug him about it. My parents divorced when I was 10, and we saw dad every weekend, he was at every holiday. I don't know about gifts, but nothing she's giving him says "I still love you." It may say "I still care" but that's not the same thing, and it's best for their child if they get along as friends.

If you are serious about each other and want to make this marriage work, get into couples counseling now. If you love him, you will become a co-parent to his other child, and the best thing you could do is build a friendly relationship with the mother. This is also possible, because one of my mother's boyfriends (long term) became friendly with my dad. We all actually went on a family vacation together one summer and it was quite nice.

Good luck.

Sounds like there is a bigger issue than the ex: you don't trust him. I would recommend getting some help as a couple to rebuild this trust. Being a second wife and a stepmom is tough even when there is trust. Also, it might be good to get together for coffee with his ex to touch base about how to best coparent the daughter you are both raising. Sometimes spending a little time with someone removes some of the tension.

okay- you need to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. YES! You are over reacting!!! And it sounds like you are insecure with your marriage or don't trust your husband.

This W. will ALWAYS be in your life as long as you are married to your husband.

1. I have my engagement ring from my ex-husband. Maybe our daughter will want it one day.
2. I buy (or used to) presents for my ex-husband that were FROM OUR DAUGHTER...I would buy them WITHOUT my daughter there. What does it matter if she is there or not? The fact remains that a CHILD does NOT have the funds or the ability (drive, bus, etc) to get to the store alone...did you consider she may actually TALK to her daughter about what she wants to buy him for Christmas, birthday's, etc.?

I didn't text my ex-husband. I called him. Now that our daughter is 25, it's not necessary. I might send him a card or an e-mail for his birthday but really - I think you are TOTALLY over reacting.

I don't get WHY you are looking at his phone. I don't look at my husband's unless he ASKS.

If you keep hounding him on this - you are GOING TO PUSH HIM AWAY - he won't come to you when he's had a bad day because he'll get bombarded with questions - did you tell Jill? Did Jill text you today? No man wants to hear that.

So what if she hasn't dated? So what if she hasn't remarried? They are divorced and CO-PARENTING. It sounds like they are doing a good JOB OF IT TOO! Just because they couldn't live together doesn't mean they can't get along after they divorced. My ex and I get along better now that we are divorced and we have absolutely NO INTENTION of ever hopping in the sack or getting back together.

You need to figure out WHY you are so upset with this and why you are jealous of a W. he divorced and has a child with. You are NOT doing yourself or your marriage any good.

Good luck!

I agree with Cheryl O. in large part.

I am married, but not to my son's father. However, my son's father and I are really good friends, with NO DESIRE to reunite as a couple. That ship sailed a long time ago. But nonetheless, he and I remain great friends, and we communicate regularly about our son. This is healthy and normal, or at least it's the way I want it. I don't want my son torn between parents who don't get along, who don't communicate, etc.

As for the gift buying, my son is 5. He can't go get gifts himself, he does not have his own money, etc. BUT he WANTS to give his dad gifts when the occasions arise. YES, he does make him little things, but he also wants to give his dad an actual gift... I usually shop while my son is at school, so it would be probable that I would get my son's dad a gift when my son wasn't there, and say it was from him. I think that's totally normal. AND I am also friends with my son's father, so I feel no guilt in buying him something nice. And since we were together for 16 years, I happen to know what he likes, so I try to get gifts that are meaningful not to us as a couple, but meaningful to HIM. But I could see how it might look like I'm going out of my way to get a 'special' gift, but that's just what I do with everyone. I'm a 'thoughtful' gift buyer, so I like to get things that I know people will like. My son's father also doesn't feel guilty getting me a gift for holidays, and saying it's from my son. I don't see anything wrong with this. And my husband totally gets it and is fine with it. He knows this man will be in our lives for as long as my son is in our lives, and it's best for everyone to get along.

On the other hand, there does seem to be a little more going on in your fiance's ex's agenda. Calling or texting just to talk, because she's bored, well, that may be overstepping a bit. I do detect a tiny note of a little something more going on with her... but it sounds like your fiance isn't reciprocating, and as such, he doesn't see a reason to make a big issue of it, which could disturb the balance. These co-parenting relationships can be delicate. I would say that if you trust your fiance, and HE isn't the one initiating anything fishy, then you need to let this go. He can't control his ex. But he can control himself, and it sounds like he is. So if I were you, I'd let this go.

I thought you were kind of nuts until your edit. The problem is him, not her. Just make that clear to yourself and deal with him. Lay out the facts, ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed and then tell him what you expect him to say to her, when, and what behaviors you expect to see changed as evidence that he is sending a clear signal to her.

That said, you're being a little wacky about the gifts. Kids don't literally shop for gifts for their parents when they're young. My SD is 13 and we (usually me, but sometimes my husband) buy gifts for her mother that are "from" her daughter for birthdays and Christmas. She's old enough now to choose a gift but when she was younger, I used to just shop for her mom without her input or my husband would pick something out. And no, your SD doesn't literally have to be on the shopping trip for a gift to be from her. Heck with my own kids I buy stuff for my husband from them, wrap it up and then tell them what "they" bought right before they go and give it to daddy.

WAY over reacting. Have you ever thought that it's the DAUGHTER that ask her mom, "Mom can we get dad this movie?". Mom wants to do something nice for the daughter, so the daughter can do something nice for her dad. That doesn't sound like a bad thing.

So what if she still has the ring? Maybe she plans on giving it to her daughter. A lot of people can be friends with an ex and not mean anything. I am still friends with me ex fiance. In fact, I have a convention coming up, in his area. We are probably going to meet for dinner or something...without my husband....GASP!! But, you know what? My husband trusts me, and I would never do anything to wreck our marriage. My ex and I learned along time ago that we are just not on enough of the same wave length to be together, but on enough of the same level to be friends. Make sense?

Well, I have bought my ex MANY presents over the years 'from the kids'. He takes them to buy things for me as well. And we REALLY can't stand each other. I think they call it 'co parenting', doing what is best for the kids, not ourselves. Of course I make sure it's something I know he'll like. We were together 20 years, we know what the other likes, you know?

However, I can't imagine shooting off a text to him to see how is day is. He has a gf, that's her job. And frankly, I don't care how his day is. Tehehe. We have a civil relationship now, but it was a long time coming. I have no desire to be 'pals' with him. Sometimes I envy ex couples who are still able be friendly after a divorce.

I think since you and he are together now, it SHOULD matter that these things make you uncomfortable. Although I wonder why you'd be spying on his phone to begin with. This is really not a good way to start a marriage. He and his ex will be tied together for the rest of their lives. So.....

Since you CAN'T change their relationship, I mean you CAN make requests and explain how it makes you feel, but you can't MAKE them behave in a way that's comfortable for you, you know?

Really, it's up to you, not us whether you can deal.

:)

Yes. I think you are over reacting just a bit. First of all, they are forever connected. They are co-parenting a child and will for the rest of their lives. It doesn't stop at 18. There will be a wedding and possibly grandchildren, they are forever connected. Personally, I find it refreshing that two people can remain friendly after a divorce. I think that says a lot about your husband's character. And when my parents divorced, my mom would pick up gifts for us to give. We usually didn't have a clue what he'd like, so she usually just got something on her own when she was out. There was no pther motive, no wish on her part to "get him back", it was simply something she did for her children. And the wedding ring is not a big deal. I think my mom still has hers after 30 years of being divorced. She saved it in case I wanted it. I didn't and now she just has it because she isn't sure what to do with it. Maybe it's something she will give her daughter later.

I think you are over reacting. If my ex was a decent guy I'd buy gifts on birthday, fathers day, and Christmas but he's not so we don't. I know lots of people that still have their old wedding rings my hubby included. They have a child together how nice for their daughter that they can get along and be friends I wish I could say the same for my ex.

Edited: after reading one of your old questions I think you two need some family counseling so you can work out all your problems. Just a few months ago you wanted to leave him and get a restraining order.

I think the bigger problem is you don't trust your fiance. Honestly, I think it is great that he can have an amicable relationship with his ex especially since they have a child together. I agree that you both should consider marriage counseling before you go forward with the wedding. You will only feel even more threatened by this woman or any other relationship he has with females. I do believe men can have platonic relationships with women, as to whether or not that is the case with your fiance, I don't know. If he is willing to commit to counseling and making your relationship work then you must learn to trust him. Good luck and God Bless!
A.

Honestly, I think you are making it bigger than it is. It is possible and ideal for ex's to have positive relationships with their ex's. They have a child together and will ALWAYS be involved in the other's life. Its in the best interest of the child for the parents to have a good relationship in order to co-parent. I don't see any thing that is suspicious-it seems harmless to me. But....if you feel in your gut something is wrong, confront your husband and check it out. GL

M

Before my ex died a few years ago, I always shot him an email and told him happy birthday or merry christmas or whatever the case was. It's good to stay cordial with an ex when you can.
Sounds like you are unhappy with your marriage and trying to find things to blame him for.
He married YOU, you have a life together and a child together, do you feel he regrets marrying you? Why?
If he's a good husband and good dad try to concentrate on that. His ex will always be around and for their daughters sake it's good that they don't hate each other. Be proud that he's a good enough man to support his daughter from he previous marriage, lots of men run.
If he's cheated on you in the past it's not his ex's fault so don't blame her.

I think you just need to say something to him along the lines of:

I think its great that you and x are still friendly, but I'm wondering if you still have feelings for her? I am scared that you are still attracted to her and might want to get back together with her.

If he says, No, I love and want to be with you, then let it go. You have to state very clearly what you are feeling, and give him the chance to defend himself. None of our opinions matter, or what any other couples do. Just find out from him what he's thinking.

I think the biggest problem is that he's been dishonest in the past. His ex can do whatever batty thing she wants, but it will only be a problem if he allows it. There are times my DH has to talk to his ex and they might be more chatty that I think needs to be, but I know at the end of the day where MY husband is and where his loyalties lie. I have never found him to be dishonest about his interactions with another woman. You do not seem convinced that he is faithful, period. I would not marry someone whose fidelity was questionable.

There are many times when I ask the kids what they want to get their dad and then I go out and get it on their behalf. I don't make them use their allowance. In fact, I helped out my SS last Christmas. He was slammed with research papers and I said, "Look, I'm shopping anyway. Want me to shop for you?" And I got the stuff and he paid me back. I wouldn't be too concerned about the gifts on their own. I would be concerned that he can't seem to hold appropriate boundaries with women, including his ex. He has to talk to her for their child, but there's being friendly for the kid's sake and friendly for his own sake. Your question needs to be - which is it?

You can be irritated with her, but is the problem really just her? Or is your ire directed at her because it's easier?

I don't think you are over-reacting. It's ok to be civil and to get gifts for each other from the kids. I am married, and even though my husband and I agree not to buy gifts for each other, I still take the kids to the store and let them pick out something for him. Sometimes its a GI Joe figurine, t-shirt, mario ants, who knows! The point it that there should be boundaries, and mutual respect. I am very secure with my husband but if his ex was texting him I would want him to stop encouraginf her behavior because it is not healthy all the way around!

.

She is not over him and is trying to get him back. She is being maniplulative.
He is playing right into her hands.
I would have dumped him long before I had a toddler.
If he does not put a stop to her behavior, your marriage, if it ever happens, will be a threesome.

Sorry to be blunt, but these are some big red flags.

i think if it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable you both should sit down and talk about what is and whats not acceptable. If he feels its going to hurt his daughter or doesnt understand where you're coming from he's not going to change. Maybe ask him if it would bother him if you did it. I think its good they're friends, but it does seem she is hanging on to him, maybe not in hopes of getting back together but maybe in fear of starting over? IDK but you should ask him to help you become friendly with her. Also if you don't trust him how can you be happy with him?

I am not divorced (but still friends with all of my ex BFs), but I just wanted to throw out there that her not dating may have nothing to do with attachment to your husband. If my husband was to die (a very reall possibility with his job) or leave me, I would not even consider dating until my kids were out of the house. The most attractive man in the world could not convence me otherwise because I think that is a really messed up thing to do to my kids. They deserve better than a mom on the hunt for mr right. So all I am saying is there are many resaons why she is not rebounding in to the dating world like your boyfriend did that have nothing to do with your boyfriend. (and no, I am not trying to insult moms who date - all I am saying is that this is how I feel, and I know many moms who choose to abstain from dating for other reasons, none of whom are hung up on their ex)

You should appreciate his being civil with her - if you split up, you will know he can still be civil with his baby-mama (and that is you as well as her). It sounds like he is putting his kid ahead of whatever issues caused their split and that is a good thing.

It sounds like they're just friendly exes who are friends. I don't see a single thing for you to be threatened about. You already don't trust him and you already don't like her so you're looking at their behavior in a way that's negative and untrustworthy. If they had anything to hide then don't you think they'd be trying to hide the fact that they communicate with each other? But they're not. This woman is not competition. He's with you. He lives with you. He's engaged to you. He told you to ask her about their conversation.

You should probably go to couple's counseling or premarital counseling and perhaps some individual therapy for yourself. Does he treat you well in general? Does he blow off your concerns as a habit? Does he put you off for other women or his ex? Does he text and call you?

Sounds like they have remained friends. If she had any desire to have him back I think she would have made her move by now....

As for kids giving daddy a gift, think of it coming out of his child support and not "her" money.

You are going to have to deal with this and try to not be so jealous. I understand, really I do, but it makes you seem less mature.

Invite her to family things. I am at my ex's house more than anyone else's when we visit that town. His wife knows I think she is wonderful and think of her as a friend. It wasn't that way at first but it is now.

Sounds like your toddler may be visiting her father on weekends when he reconciles with his former wife and child.

If he has lied to you in the past and you feel so insecure in your relationship, why would you want to go through with a marriage.

No you are not overreacting, just making bad decisions that now will affect two little children. Clearly, he is still very attached to the mother of his first child and she to him.

Blessings....

The issue is you don't trust your husband and the insecurities are obvious.

I would be happy he had a good relationship with his ex since they have a child together. That is a bond that will never be broken just as the bond you have with him because you have a child by him as well.

I don't understand why women snoop on their hubbies. Why not communicate? It is not that hard to just talk to each other vs snoop and be honest with each other about your feelings.

It is sad to see mem and women acting so childish when they have children together. Your marriage and child should be your priority, not snooping on his phone.

Work on your self esteem, work on your relationship and banish the insecurities and jealousy.

Best wishes to you.