Comfort Issue or Something More?

First of all, that old wives tale about spoiling your baby is a big crock. You can never spoil a child with intimacy, and I think it's very unfair of your inlaws to even bring that up, particularly since you are 1) a first time mom and 2) facing your own mortality with the illness you deal with everyday with such obvious bravery.
If your son was 6 months old, I may tell you about things you can do to break the habit of him needing your closeness so often. At a month old, I say DON'T SWEAT IT! Your mommy instincts have already given you the answer. The necessary, but complicated, need to wean him. He doesn't understand that. He knew that awesome intimacy and has lost it... you gave him a precious gift by nursing in the first place, but now he has to deal with losing something that meant a lot more to him than just food. That takes time, no matter how old the child is. Plus the circumcision thing probably accounts for some of it too, JUST LIKE YOU SAID. It's a minor surgical procedure, of course, but it can't be comfortable or understandable to him, so maybe a few extra hugs is what he needs. Babies go through SO MANY different stages early in life and go BACK AND FORTH through those stages. What he needs more of now, will be replaced by something else (more sleep, more independence, etc.) next week.
If, and when, you are ready to give your arms a break, here's what worked for me: the baby bouncer seats that vibrate, setting them in their car seats for some time, and sitting on the couch or a really comfy chair with a Boppy wrapped around me to give my arms and back a MUCH NEEDED break.
I applaud you for your courage and wish you and your amazing new family all the best.

Hi T. -

Not meaning to be glib here, but if I had a circumcision last Tuesday, I'd be pretty on edge for at least a couple more weeks. Many people, including doctors, feel that boys will bounce back from this traumatic surgical event quickly, but some don't...some take more time, especially if they're in pain or if they're possibly infected. I had my son circumcised while we were still in post-delivery, so I think with the newness of birth, it was just another wild experience for him. Getting circumcised at one month after being comforted with breastfeeding must be that much more harrowing because you son is more cognizant.

That's the other point I wanted to bring up, some babies don't take too well to an abrupt change in their feeding methods/schedules. Again, imagine as an adult if you LOVED sweets and then you were all of a sudden directed not to ingest anymore because you were diagnosed with diabetes (this happened to my brother) - not fun at all. For a baby who doesn't know any better, this could be pretty life-altering. Of course, with your treatments, you don't have any other choice but to have some patience until he gets completely used to the bottle. Trust me, it's a food supply...he will. :)

Understanding your need to rest especially with your treatments, I agree with the last response, get a hands-free baby sling. Baby Bjorns are fantastic and comfortable for both Mommy and baby...they are a bit pricey, but worth every bit of the investment. There are cheaper models out there, but you want to make sure that whatever you choose has solid back support for you. As your son gets older, he won't need or even want to be in the sling...he'll want to stretch out in his own space.

There's no need to feel guilty about placing major changes on your son within such a short span of time...that's just life. Now, you need to just comfort him when HE needs to be comforted and have a little patience. He's still just one month and trust me, after just a few more months, he won't be needing you to comfort him as much as you need him to cuddle with.

One last point, and I agree with others here in this forum, you CANNOT spoil a newborn. You can spoil a toddler, a young child, a teenager, and even an adult by always giving into their "neediness" upon their insistence, but you CANNOT spoil a newborn. I'm so irritated that this wives tale is still circulating around. Holding them at this age is part of the bonding process. Also, many studies show that regular human touch is essential to building a baby's confidence level. When a baby has confidence, the world is his/her oyster.

Keep us posted. Blessings to you and yours!

You definately can not spoil a baby this young. Family members means well but they can offer a lot of advice that either doesn't fit with your family or isn't good advice. You need to do what in your heart feels right. Every child and family is different, what works for one mom or family wont necessarily work for yours. It could be all of the change especially stopping breastfeeding because that gives him a lot of comforting. Did you try to give him a pacifier that helped my daughter when I started to wean her? I would try to comfort him as much as you can and do what you think is right for him. Congratulations on the new baby!

Hi. I have a three year old daughter and a 4 month old son. I've noticed with my daughter (from the start) that when she is getting sick she wants to be held a lot more. Ususally it's before any other symptoms show up. She'll be a little fussy and want to be on me all the time and then 1-3 days later she'll have a cold or flu or something. I also noticed that with any kind of major change she wants to be held more too. It's like she needs the sense of security. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to breast feed so I don't have experience with that. But it seems like that would be a major change and he may be missing that "bonding" time. As far as spoiling...I don't believe in that. My belief is that children need love and attention and when you cuddle and kiss and love them it helps to build their self confidence and esteem (even at a month old). I've read in many many different places that at a month old there's no such thing as spoiling a baby. My in-laws used to say the same thing. Eventually, I learned to ignore everybody's "you should do this or that" and went with my instinct. My daughter now is independant and confident and I believe it's because of the love we give her. Any how, sorry this is so long.

Have you heard of 'babycenter.com' They have an abundance of info on there. They also have a search engine that you can input things like "spoiling baby" or "breast feeding" and all kinds of articles will come up. Hope this helps. PS I had to be patient and just learn to put off some house work once in a while. It'll always be there later. ;-) It'll get easier..good luck and many blessings!

Congrats T.-

I have a 7 week old and she went through the same thing. You really can't spoil him. I thought the same thing, but at this age they can't self soothe. He needs you to do that for him. It also doesn't last. He could be going through a growth sprut. I found that when my daughter was fussy and wanted to be held that she was growing (we've been at some kind of doctor almost every week for follow-ups from NICU). Just like us they have their good days and there ok days. I know I appreciate being able to share with other first time moms, so if you'd like you can contact me at any time.
Again congrats and enjoy him.
C.

Dear T.,
Congrats on your new baby!! You will get a lot of unsolicited advice from family and friends, but trust your own instincts. You absolutely cannot spoil a baby this young. You held that baby for 40 weeks inside your body so he is used to having you close. He is comforted by you and he should be. Young babies require a lot of attention so if you need a break (and I know you do!!!) get someone to help you. Have someone else hold him so you can get some rest. My son was very fussy all the time. I felt like I was a terrible parent and I started to resent him. No one really can tell you how much of an impact on your life an infant has. You could get a teenager from the neighborhood to "spoil" him while you rest. There was a great line in a book I read that said, "Sleep when the baby does, and if the baby doesn't sleep, you still need to sleep." As for the breast feeding issue, your baby probably misses it, but it may be more of an issue that he misses skin to skin contact. You can still do that while you bottle feed. Another few quick tips, I had a basinet that vibrated and that helped my son calm down. White noise like ocean sounds, radio static, whatever really help soothe a baby. It was really loud in the womb and our world is quiet in comparison. Don't worry!! This time goes by quickly. It doesn't seem like it now, but it does. Good luck!!
K.

T.,

Babies can feel stress from all around them. So with his experinces from the previous week and any stresses put upon you maybe he just needs a little more mommy cuddle time. Adultd cope differently, babies need TLC you are not spoiling him my mother used to say that as well, but you know your baby and you intuition will tell you what is right for you both. If your arms are tired try an infant carrier or a sling... I got so much stuff accomplished and still have a comforted infant. In the end you know what is right, everyone else is looking from the outside in. Trust your instincts. jackie

Hi T.,
I don't think you can spoil the little man at all. My youngest of 3 is 4 months now and she went through the same thing at 1 month also, but in our situation it is hard to hold her w/ my other 2 children. I held her when i could, but I would have to put her down. Do you have a swing or a bouncy seat? Follow what you think is right, you are the mommy. And if the grandparents feel this way, let them give it a try to confort him, betcha they will hold him too! Last bit of advice, make sure you cherish every moment with this new life, it goes buy so fast! Congrats! M.

Hi T.,
There is no way to spoil a one month old baby... don't worry about that at all! Please do comfort him as much as you can, you are building trust that you will be there for him when he has issues and he needs that most of all. Sounds like he does need some extra TLC with the changes lately and probably misses the skin-to-skin time you used to have breastfeeding. He needs his momma most of all right now, so pay no attention to the grandparents and give him all the love you can. There is plenty of time to teach him other ways to handle stress later when he is over 6 months!

Good luck!
K.

First, you cant spoil an infant by holding them..there is no such thing! :) On that note, yes, with two major things happening in one week, it could be the reason he needs more comfort than usual. Some babies are just cuddle bugs, and you may have one of those...I suggest getting a front carrier or sling so you have both hands and still have him close. I agree that you can try the vibration on your bouncer, bassinet, or crib...try the swing....Im sure you have tried most of these already....my best advice is to get a carrier for him...and if cost is the issue, just go to a local consignment or resale shop...they usually have very nice ones! :) *hugz* Hang in there....

And i wish you all the luck with your treatments! I hope you are in remission soon!

Hey T.,

I am a first time mom as well and went through this with my daughter. Once I got her home I could not put her down. My entire family told me that I was spoiling her and would be in trouble later on if I continued to hold her as much. They can never be too loved. She became accustomed to being held and did not want to be in infant carrier either. To help with those times where I had to clean bottles or get something done where I could not hold her I would sing to her for 10-15 minutes without picking her up. It took some time but she became comforted by my voice. Place her in an area where she can see you if you can not tend to her. I am a single mom and there were times when I had to let her cry. It is heartbreaking to hear them cry but remember it helps builds their lungs :-) Hang in there.

T.,
Your little one might know your most inner thought and be feeding off of them as well as what he desires. Hold him, love him, cherish him.........
You could never love a baby enough. Once he's pder and needs to be diciplined then okay, but now all he knows is momma's love! So feed him a good dose of it as oftenly as possible. Your loving arms get their break at nap time.