Can Men Clean? Sexism, Changing Expectations, and Conflict

many men don't see what we see. You have to get a white board and make a list. I still have to get my white board! But a list is easier for them to understand. Just write down ... before dinner pick up toys from floor. After lunch vaccuum floor, water plants, separate laundry, put away laundry etc. Men need directions. ;)

No...at least my husband can't. I have 2 sons (3 & 1/2 and 7 months) and I feel that I spend more time cleaning up after my husband than I do the 2 kids (combined). At some point during his childhood, my husband obviously was not taught the concept of putting stuff away. I can pretty much walk around the house and see what he's been up to that day by the trail of stuff that he left ...clothes, food wrappers, dirty dishes, tools, etc. And for some reason, it is nearly impossible to get him to put a DVD or VHS back in the case. (I've asked him at least 5 times to do this). Anyway, to me it's just a matter of being lazy and selfish. Obviously, someone has to pick up and if it's not him then I guess that would leave...hmmm, ME. So, it's bad enough that he's lazy but obviously doesn't even care that it's extra work for me (who's already exhausted since I work full-time and do about 99% of the child rearing...while he sits on the coach doing Facebook). I've pretty much given up on asking for help. Although he's more than willing to help out, our timelines are very different. When I ask him to put his dishes in the dishwasher, I pretty much mean "Now" and not "within the next 72 hours". It's extremely annoying but please know that you are not alone. Anyway, I finally gave up on trying to change my husband and hired a cleaner instead (who comes every 2 weeks). I still have to put away all my husband's stuff but at least I have someone else to do the majority of the cleaning. Good luck.

Dear W.,
This is classic to most us mom's but have you actually asked your husband to put out garbacge, make a path etc? I know it sounds rudimentory and one would hope with a hubby with a PHD that it is obvious. Trust me it is not. For all the smarts our hubbies have they dumb down when it comes to housework, can't explain it, I think it's genetic. That said my hubs was the same way. But when I asked specific things to happen they did. Not necassarily on my time schedule but you gotta give a little to get a little.

Pick your battles lady. It's obviously not important to them, so they are NOT going to spend the time to make sure their house is tidy. I'm sure there are things they do differntly than you and would never want you to do them because they know you wouldn't do it to their standards. Women like a clean house, so guess what?! We're the ones who get to clean it then, makes sense to me...if you like things done a certain way, then you get to be the one to do it, and complainin doesn't help a bit! :) Just be happy that you have a husband who loves you! Oh, and in answer to your question, yes, men can clean. In fact, my mother owns a cleaning business and all she hires is men. She's had it with the women who have worked for her, they do a lousy job! Guess you could try paying your husband and sons to clean...seems to work for my mom!! :)

I often think to myself that if God had come to me (I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone else) before I got married and told me how it was actually going to be, I never would have gotten married. I make way more money than my husband, do primary care of our daughter, 99% of the house cleaning, yardwork and all of the cooking. I constantly tell him he needs to do his part. Doesn't sound very appealing, huh?

Hi W.,
You ask "can men clean" but the real question is WILL THEY CLEAN? LOL
My husband, a marine and former Presidential Honor Guard (all spit & polish detail) is a neat freak, yet the toilets could be dripping with urine (not mine, I sit!) and it NEVER occurs to him to squirt some cleaner and swish it around. Don't get me wrong--before our son, when I worked FT, he did stuff like that. Get this: He used to WAX the fixtures in the bathroom. He is still the man who cleans our 2 x 4 powder room probably 2 times per year, but you would think he is building the Ark! Seriously, it takes me all of 10 minutes to clean that room--ALL of it.
Now, I work 2 days/week and he has a built in maid, cook, laundress, etc. so he doesn't think he HAS to. I don't think he would ever admit this but I really feel it all comes back (now) to he makes most of the money and, well, there I am. It MADDENS me that he will carry a glass over to the kitchen counter yet not open the dishwasher, invert the glass and deposit it into it. Grrrrrrrr.....
There are days that I feel like I spend all day picking up and putting away. I know what you mean about not getting to the "other" stuff because the time is monopolized with the picking up, re-stocking, putting away, etc.
Don't get me wrong--I am a neat freak and I cannot live in a messy, unorganized house so part of this is my own doing. My husband likes it neat as well, it IS neat--thanks to me so he never really HAS to do anything. Occasionally I will go on a laundry strike for a few days and he will usually pick up the slack there. Big whoop.
Maybe we create our own nightmares?

He is blind like my husband. If they see they might have to pick it up or put it away. I feel your pain!!

My husband does clean, but I think that if you need things done in a certain way, you need to talk to him. You can also have your 4.5 year old doing some chores as well. I would check our flylady.net. It helps you refocus the overwhelming and frustrating-ness, and turn it around. I'm doing this for myself, and my family. It also gives you a way to only do about 15 minutes a day, or so that you don't feel that all you do is clean.

You are describing my everyday life. It's amazing how I can trace my husband's every move just by the mess he leaves behind. So frustrating but not worth the battle! Good luck!

You are not alone. I have tested his limits and not asked him to take out the trash for days as an experiment. The garbage just kept building and building and eventually was balancing against the wall overflowing from the pail. He never said anything about it, just would walk right by it. If only they would figure out how much more sex they would get if they picked up once in awhile, lol.

I clean the kitchen daily. I clean the bathrooms weekly. Kids clean their own rooms, put dinner dishes in sick, hang coats & put shoes away, keep their arts & craft center clean. What they leave out i pick up & put in a bin & when full donate. They go with me to donate. Sad, but they got it & help without me yelling. My hubby will do dishes, vacuum, cook, etc... on his own & I'm so glad, but if he didn't i would address it this way. I would let him know that i need him to do such & such at least weekly & ask if this is doable? If he says yes, then sit back & see if it gets done, great. If not, then hire a maid to do so. If he flips on the maid, say, I need it done & I'm not able to fit it on my plate. You said you could but when I saw you couldn't I handled it. If you do not like how I handled it, I will cancel the maid, but I still need such & such taken care of & I am not picky how it gets done, so do you wish to handle it or do I keep the maid? He should get the picture & he is involved in the decision & can control. Of course, the money for the maid should come from his fun money since he's not holding up his end. this is what I do about my hubby's to do list at home. I let him know what needs done & a time frame. I don't nag or remind, just when time frame is up & it isn't done, I hire it out. Most times now he will just say hire it out & not give me grief over the money. Best of luck oh, & if you decide to handle it on your own, then submit a bill as a maid would & use the money for your fun money. either way you don't feel so put upon & you are standing up for yourself as an equal partner in the marriage. Best of luck. It isn't that he can't do it, but rather not sure what he should do, most are just blind. Most of us weren't taught how to manage in marriage. There should be relationship classes from kinder on. I swear it would be great. :)

Both your husband and your eldest son are fully old enough and capable of helping out around the house, but neither one is going to take the initiative, so don't expect it of them. Can men clean? Absolutely, but don't get confused - they don't see dirt and mess the way we do. Make a list each day, make a weekly chore chart, or do whatever works for your family, but make sure that the boys' responsibilities are in writing somewhere easy to read. Then (gently) remind them of their jobs. It can be done!

Someone said it already. Men need directions - once given a list, they can do it! Start simple... and good luck!

Men are perfectly capable of cleaning, although usually not up to your standards. I don't think my husband will ever learn to vacuum under things (small things, I'm not even talking about moving sofas here) or cleaning something in its entirety. He just doesn't notice it. So I try not to nag too much and be greatful for what he does do, and save the nagging for when it is important enough to me to need it done right every time.

I also have to give my husband a "honey do" list. He will NEVER think to clean on his own for the most part. He might do some dishes, but no handwash or wiping counters. He will vacuum, but only when it's horrible. So we have a constant running list for him at our house on the counter. Some things are the wierd occasional maintenance things, and then I add thing like "put the laundry into the dryer" if I need him to do that for me that day. Almost all men need instruction and direction, they just don't like to be nagged or told they are doing it the wrong way. So the list works well for us.