Question for Stay at Home Mums

I'm not expected to keep the entire house clean every day, but I like to do it for my husband, since he is working for us. Monday through Friday, I cook, clean, do laundry, outside work, and any errands that need to be done. I feel like if I do everything I can at home, while he's at work, it'll kind of be like I'm working, too, because honestly staying at home IS HARD work! On the weekends, I have everyone, including hubby, pick up after themselves. On the weekends, my house is usually a wreck, but I try to pick up the majority of it before going to bed.

Your husband and your 5 year old should be throwing away their own wrappers and other trash and taking their dishes to the sink. Heck, my almost 3 year old knows where the trash can is and can place appropriate things in it! My husband has been known to pile up stuff once in a while as well (mostly paperwork). I let him keep a small pile on the counter and I clean around it. Once in a while when I'm sick of it being there I just ask him to please take care of his junk pile and he usually does.

I also do most of the house cleaning and household chores during the day while at home with the kids but I only do what I can. There's no expectations by either one of us that the house will be spotless or that there will be a gourmet meal at dinner time. I do my best and the rest can wait.

As far as asking both parents for permission, we don't do that. Usually I know the schedule for the day and what's going on better then hubby so the kids just ask me. Many times if they happen to ask him first he will say "it's ok with me but ask your mom" just because he knows there might be something going on that he is not aware of. I never tell the kids to go ask dad too.

Primarily around the house my husband takes the trash out, does the yardwork, takes care of the finances, and all car maintenance appointments. Of course there are other things that he does as they come up but I would say those are the things that he does pretty much all of the time.

Good luck,
K.

I am a single mom. I work two jobs and go to school full-time, and have many volunteer obligations. I do not receive child support or any involvement from bio-donor. I have previously stayed at home for 2 years on my savings and state aid, so I do know the hard work involved with staying at home. In fact, I would LOVE to stay at home now and see my daughter more and create a curriculum for her. I am a teacher, so I also know that it is a constant job to be with a child all day.

With all that said, it is really hard for me to have personal sympathy for SAHM's who complain about how hard it is and want more help. When I get home, yes, sometimes I leave dishes in the sink for a few days. Sometimes I don't fold the laundry right away. When you work at an out of house job, there are lots of compromises one has to make on a daily basis to keep that job, and that can be very stressful. If I had a partner that I was fully supporting at home, I would be extremely irritated if they nagged me about a dish in the sink. Plus I know that in my situation it will be there for me in the morning:)

I think the most important point I would like to make is, YES, SAHM is a hard job....but I also think that strong women today are capable of expanding and growing and adding more to their plate. The quality of life is so much better today, it is not like you are carrying water from the well or hand scrubbing your clothes or growing all of your food. So to me it seems unreal to argue about a soda can left out or who gets to take the trash 15 feet to the curb! Even with my heavy workload I am thankful for all the niceties and know that I have it made compared to other cultures:) Over a 1/3 of the world doesn't even have a toilet, sewage or sanitation system!

So, I do think it is wrong to EXPECT tasks from anyone....but I do not think that it is wrong to ASK, or COMPROMISE.

Thanks for letting me rant, I hope you get to a place where you can feel uplifted, it does seem you might be a little depressed.

Good Luck!

Yes it is okay to have your son go and ask your husband questions, even if you don't care, because that makes your son realize that Daddy is boss too. I have a chore list for everyone. I was so tired of doing everything. I have a 6 year/old and 3 y/o twins.

My 3-y/o boy has to feed and water the cat, set the table for dinner, put his toys away before dinner, and practice the piano every day.
My 3-y/o girl has to pick up all the shoes and take them to each person's bedroom, make sure the laundry is picked up in her room and the kids bathroom, do ballet, and put her toys away before dinner.
My 6 y/o boy has to wash the table after dinner, 3 times a week make sure all the dishes are brought downstairs, every Sunday evening bring down the upstairs trash, put his toys away before dinner, and do his homework and practice the piano.
My husband has to do the dinner dishes (I do breakfast and lunch), mow the yard, take out the trash twice a week and to the street on trash day, sweep the floors, vacuum the carpets, and mop the floors once a week, except bathrooms which I have him do every other week.
I do everything else. And the rule is if they do not do their chores and I end up doing them, then they have to do one of my very disgusting chores....like cleaning the toilets.

My DH was raised in a very traditional household, so of course, he expects that we will do the same. Rather than spend our time arguing over it, I have compromised and in general, I do the inside stuff and he does the outside stuff(I do help outside sometimes and DH will help occasionally inside as well)-we have done this since we got married, when I worked, and even before kids. It works fine, though since I had #2, it seems the day slips by faster than before so less housework gets done each day so I have a kinda messy house too-but after complaints from my hubby and me in tears and then him FINALLY staying home for a couple of days (he was sick) and he saw how much I do in a day and how quickly the kids wreck it, he has stopped complaining to me when the house is a mess for a couple of days and life is much more peaceful. I attempt to clean the house friday and then just work to maintain it the rest of the week. I do think sometimes the working parent forgets that being at home IS our job and it's not an easy one, but I also am so grateful for my DH working which allows me to stay home, that I do not mind letting him sit and play with the kids (they get 1 on 1 with him and I get a kid break for a bit) and cleaning up after him.

Don't get me wrong-i held your point of view on this for many years, but I changed MY view when I realized that I wanted my DH to acknowledge my clean house each day when he came home, but I never once thought to thank him for all he does at work and around the outside of our home that allows me to stay home. It is definitely a give-take relationship. My kids are still little, but my almost 3-yr-old has started helping with little things like helping set the table, clear the table, "helps" dust and mop and with laundry and I'm sure as they get older, more chores will go to them and that will help lighten my (and daddy's outside) load more too!

As far as asking dad, absolutely!!! Why not? I would never think of not including dad even in the small decisions. Though I would go with my kiddo and say "your son is wondering if he can go to ___ and I said I didn't care/yes/no-what do you think" and in our house, dad's decision is final (if I have issues with his decision, I talk to him later in private or if it is something important to our son and I'm not sure dad's response, I will go ask dad for him and discuss why it is important before he goes to our son and gives his answer, but it is important to me that we are a united front for our kids). If he is at work, we call him or text him-it keeps him in the loop while he is at work! He is dad and an important decision-making part of our family!

All the things you asked ... of course it isn't too much to ask. It should be expected that both adults pick up after themselves. If I cook, my husband cleans the dishes unless he is doing something else like entertaining the kids, if that is the case, I am happy to do the dishes and clean up after dinner. Taking care of a kid or more than one kid is exhausting, mentally and physically. You are partners in the relationship and you are only going to get treated how you let someone treat you. If your husband expects to be picked up after you may have to start small. Do you mind picking up your things? Or you can leave a trash can in the living room and just tell him popcans go in there ok. Make it easy for him and see what happens. Take it slow. You can get a white board and make a list for things your son and husband can do. A chore list. Husband: take out trash Son: pick up trash in livingroom and bedroom. You can tell your husband that you are teaching your son about chores and he can help model for your son. Your son will learn best from watching his dad. If you do everything he will expect the same from every girl he meets ... the cycle will continue.

Simple things like putting trash in the trashcan, rinsing and putting a plate or cup in the dishwasher, etc are very simple things that your husband could easily do.

At our house, I do all the cleaning and cooking and washing of dishes and packing/unpacking of dishwasher, putting our son to bed, laundry, shopping, sweeping. Occasionally, hubby will start a load of laundry (and I will fold/hang them), or he might put his water glass in the dishwasher, or he might help put my son's pj's on him. Sometimes also he will cook his 'signature meal' as I am not good at frying the fish and he's the pro at it.

But my hubby leaves the house at 6am. Get's home about 5pm. I figure he'd like a moment to relax. I got to sleep 2 hours more than he did, then I got a 2 hr break when my son napped. He's been working all day. (Yes during my 2 hr break I guess I wasworking too, but my job is more lax than his. I COULD take a nap if I really wanted to.) So after dinner, I do the dishes while my hubby tries to relax on the couch. My son ends up bugging him, so technically my hubby doesn't get to relax -- he tends to our son while I'm busy cleaning up after dinner. I would LOVE it if hubby helped with dishes, but really I think I'd rather wash while he spends quality 1-on-1 time with our son. It gives me a break from our son and gives them time together.

As for "go ask dad if you can go to the neighbors".... I think that's perfectly fine. Depends on yours and your husband's personality. I tell my 2 yr old all the time "Go ask dad" because my husband is less easy-going than I am. I don't care if we watch Nemo for the 50th time, but my husband might say "no," so I make our son go ask his dad.

Hope some of this helped.
j in tx

I certainly do not think that is too much to ask. You are his wife, not his maid. It is understood in our home that my top priority is raising our children, as far as cleaning goes, I do what I can. Some days I feel a little guilty that I do not get more done, but that is just me, he never says anything about it. When he can, he does his part in cleaning up after dinner and putting the kids to bed, and he helps clean on the weekends. He is generally responsible for the mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, and paying the bills.
I think a lot of a husband's behavior/attitude toward helping out is influenced by how they were raised, what they saw their mother and father doing or not doing around the house. But also by what you expect of them. Even though my husband did very little in terms of chores when he was younger I made it clear from the beginning that he needed to contribute more than just financially to our household. It will probably be harder to "train" him if he hasn't been expected to help before this, but I am sure it can be done. Based on your question you are quite reasonable in what you ask of him. I think you need to have a family meeting about basic courtesies in your house (i.e. picking up after yourselves) and make a plan for what is expected of each person each day or week. Good luck, you deserve a little help, keeping a clean house is an enormous task.

Here is how I look at it. I have been a stay at home and work at home mom for the last 10 years. For the last year or so I have not worked at all.

When I did have work, my husband pitched in quite a bit. No where near the amount I did but did make an effort. He is a natural pig and I am a neat nick so I don't think we will ever be on the same page. Needless to say, even though I worked more hours than he did and even brought in the same if not more money, he still reacted as though I was at home so I needed to keep it up more than him. Irritating I know. I finally came to realization that my clean needs are SO different than his that I really had to calm down about it. If I wanted it perfect then I had to do it to keep a pleasant home.

Now fast forward to the present. I am not working at all, I have three kids, one on the way. My husband is working his tail off to pay for us all and I am working my tail off to keep the house, food and children in order. My husband does very little around the house. In fact, his chores are to take out the trash (he just takes it to the curb, I collect it around the house), he takes care of the lawn, and does the little fix it things I don't know how to do. Other than that, he has no other expectations around the house. He puts his trash on the counter above the trash compactor, throws his clothes on the floor in front of the hamper, etc. It is totally irritating!!! I have come the conclusion that his job is out of the home, earning the money we need to live and my job is to take care of the house and kids and be sure we all have a wonderful place to come home to.

I am not going to lie, it is hard when you feel like you are disrespected and all the hard work you do is trashed by your husband. I certainly wouldn't go to his job site and start to tear stuff up and leave it, but I do know that peace is more important to me than chaos!

I don't know what to tell you, I think you have a right to ask for some help hear and there, I would just pick your battles and take it as a job, really that is what it is.

Good luck!

Maybe you really do need to do it alone. You are, essentially, a single parent even though you are in a (nominal) marriage relationship. It sounds like you may need to get rid of this so-called husband.

I have been there and done that. I was married to a 40-something 14-year-old, similar to yours, and found that I could not, no matter how much I tried, make such a marriage work. The major difference between our situations is that I was also working full time, but still had the responsibility for doing ALL of the child care, housework, yardwork, and errands, along with paying for everything but the house and utilities while he did all of the playing. One person cannot, worlds without end, make a marriage work if the other one has no desire to do so. If i had stayed in that relationship, I would probably be dead by now.

Before leaving, you might attempt some counseling to see if he is committed enough to your relationship to start working on it. If he doesn't want to change his behavior, though, determine whether you want to stay in the relationship and, if you don't, don't waste a great deal more time on it. Be sure, however, before you leave him, that you will be happier single than married because you may not remarry for a while. I most certainly was happier single than in that hellacious marriage, however.

I am not down on marriage. I am engaged to be married in three weeks to an awesome man who is the polar opposite of my former husband. I have been single, however, for close to 10 years.

Best of luck. This is an awful situation to be in. I hope you can, with some professional help and the help of our Heavenly Father, find the right solution for you.

Write down how many hours you spend working and how many he spends working. This may help you gauge for yourself what is fair or unfair. certainly have him throw his own pop cans away and such or rinse the dishes he uses as you will hopefuly be training your own child to do this as well (pick up after themselves) and so let him know WE need to set a good example for our child honey "they learn more by what they see" than by 'what you say" .......:) and hang in there.........every job has it's hardships and it's blessings including stay at home moms.........There is a certain lonliness and feelings of isolation that go with this particular scenario but the blessing is that you alone are the one raising your child(ren) Enjoy it! It's the Highest calling on Earth! :)

I am not a SAHM M., but I will share this from both perspective. I work outside the home and would always kind of expect to come home to see a clean house, but I've had the privilege of being off for a couple days and see how fast the day goes by running, cooking and picking up after the kids that by the time it was time I would get home, it would not be done. When I got home after working all day, all I wanted to do was chill, relax and not have to do one thing (as in the case of your hubby) and when I was home those couple days (as in your case) I really wished there was more help. So it's give and take and trying to realize that you both work, just differently.

Nope, it's not asking too much. I sure know my husbands, although he wants me to stay home, thinks I "can do whatever I want" while he's at work. He often comes home to a frazzled wife now because our child is being a pain and won't sleepat all (7 weeks old). He's now seen how bad it's gotten, and I think he appreciates going to work more to get away from it lol. I have a hard time keeping up with housework, too, and I've asked him to keep neat....but yeah right. He's like my 2nd child in those regards. Hopefully yours listens...good luck,.

In my opinion you are not wrong to ask your Husband for help. If your husbands collection bothers you, you may have to offer to help him organize HIS collection. Encourage Father Son days....A day at the zoo, park, or just lunch. Don't forget Family time and YOU time:) If he isn't helping you atleast he will be spending time with your son. Give your Husband and son praise for helping. Ask your husband to please take out the trash or your son if you think he can without getting hurt. My Husband tells me "I will get more with honey. "On the washing his own dish...that may be asking too much:) If he will put it in the sink that is good enough for now. Think baby steps. Try putting a small nice looking trashcan or basket near him for him to put his TRASH in. If he feels asking him to get up and throw it out is too much...Maybe he will get tired of looking at and throw it out:) When I was younger I remember having to ask both parents too. If he doesn't want to have a say on where and what his son does than I guess you your son doesn't have to ask him. Instead try telling your son to go tell his Dad bye and where he's going before he leaves. See how that works.:) Does your Husband eat at work? Or Before he comes home? Is he depressed? Sorry had to put that out there. Good luck!!!

I have two kids, 4 and 6. During the day I take care of them and take them to activities. When my husband gets home from work he takes over and plays with them and gets them ready for bed. He has two evenings during the week that he goes to exercise after work and I have two evenings I go and exercise when he gets home from work. So we alternate taking care of the kids at night.

As far as housework goes...I do the cleaning of the house, lawn mowing, laundry for the kids and I. He does the trash/recycling, his own laundry and helps to keep the house tidy.

My kids also help out as well. Now that they are a little older, they are able to help with the cleaning. Putting toys away, putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, helping to put their clean clothes away. Even some vacuuming (with supervision). They have a weekly chore chart.

Taking care of the house and kids is a lot of work! Your son is old enough to help you around the house. Set up a chore chart with things he is responsible for doing each week. Your husband should be expected to help out with some things as well. It is his house too!

I am a SAHM for 2 children. I take them to school (when school starts back), come home and set the timmer on the stove and do "fly-lady"... I do 15 mins per room, consisting of rumbling - cleaning, sorting, etc... It helps me stay on target and keep the house tidy... During that time I also make dinner and enough for my husband to take a lunch plate to work daily.

I also take care of my mother in law at her house Monday-Friday from 11:00 - 2:00 and again in the evenings after the children's sports and activities.

I also have a FULL time Avon business... plus I manage 15 properties..
Yes, my hands are full to the max.

I think its important that all the family members have a 'job' to do. My children clean their own bathroom, pick up their rooms, vacuum, take laundry upstairs, empty the dishwasher and take out the trash....
It's becoming 2nd nature to them, it took about 3 months to get them into the route...

I also have trained my husband and kids to take their clothes to the laundry room after their baths. Pick up their plates and dishes from the dinner table, and put them in the sink. Sometimes they are a bit messy, but sometimes so am I...

I hope this adds a little bit of perspective on this subject...

Every member of the house should pick up after themselves unless they are too young or disabled in some way that prevents it.

Going to ask the other parent is common courtesy so nothing wrong with that.

I am a stay at home mom as well. Our division of labor is this during the day: he goes to work, I take care of the kids. If I get a chance to do extras like cleaning, cooking, etc, then often I do, but my primary responsibility is taking care of the kids. If the house is not spotless when he gets home, or dinner is not made, obviously it is because I was busy meeting the needs of our two children. When he gets home, he usually gives me an hour's break from the kids since I have been taking care of them all day, after which point we split the remaining chores fairly evenly unless one of us decides to be generous and tell the other to just take a break.

Of course it is not wrong of you to ask him to help keep the house picked up. He may have been working all day, but you have been working doing two jobs all day (cleaning AND taking care of children). You have been doing manual labor cleaning and cooking, while he, if he is like most American men today, has been working at a desk job. I'd say that your need for a break is in all likelihood greater than his.

It's also normal to have children ask both parents permission for things when both parents are home. I remember having to do the same.

My husband is the same way, I tease him that I can tell everywhere he's been in the house because he leaves a trail (clothes, keys, change, etc). I spend a large part of my day picking up clutter and I don't have much time or energy for actual "cleaning" like mopping or dusting. I feel accomplished if I can get a hot meal on the table! It's not asking too much to try to get your husband to pick up after himself a little so you have more time to do other things. I think the first time I really got through to my husband was when I went away on an overnight retreat and he had to do my job for almost 2 full days. He was so exhausted when I got back, and he hadn't even kept the house as neat as I do! He finally admitted that he would not want to trade places with me, and my job is just as hard as his. It's also easier if you sit down with a list of daily and weekly "chores" and let him see how much needs done day-to-day. My husband would rather take out the trash than clean the bathroom, and so on. It also helps avoid fights over who does more. You might have to go away and let him see everything you do, to really get his attention. Good luck!

I guess my first issue is with calling your son "the kid" it makes it seem like you don't like "the kid", but that's my observation.
Second, I keep my house super clean everyday and I have 3 kids including an infant, and 2 older kids who have tons of activities and school. I expect my husband to clean up after himself, help with baths at night, clean the bathrooms (they gross me out) take out trash and the yard work. I would not think to have the kids ask my husband to go to a friends house, but Mon-Fri my husband is gone from 730am-730pm so its me and the kids all day, but come the weekend, yes my husband is a major part in helpung out !!! He's an awesome husband and father :)

I think I am married to your husband :) Mine doesn't pick up after himself either. I am a heel I guess I do it for him. If I ask him to do something specific he will do it that one time. Like to carry the full hamper down to the washer, it doesn't mean next time it is overflowing he will do it even when I was hugely pregnant, with any of the 3 pregnancies. I don't really think he is insensitive he is just a typical man. Mine also is a colector and when I clean up I just put all his "things" in a box. That way when he wants something it is there, and yeah he has more than one box, lol. I have dinner ready when he comes home too and by the time I put the kids to bed he is usally asleep in the chair. So I guess my hubby works and mows/waters the yard. But men are very specific and you cannot expect him to know what you want, unless you just point blank ask. Men aren't very good at reading emotions so just give him secific requests but be sweet about it. Good Luck I hope you get to a place where you can work it out and both be happy with the compromise :)

if there is something i want my husband to approve of first before the kids do it, i usually ask him myself as soon as possible. my mom does this but would always tell us to wait until she spoke to her husband. that drove us crazy because she would wait until she felt he had gotten sufficient time to unwind after work before bringing up any of our questions. that could be hours. we wished she would make more decisions on her own. so now i make a lot of decisions on my own for what my kids can do, unless my husband has made it clear that he has an opinion about it. when i was little my parents would often say, "i don't know, what does your mom (or dad) say about it?" then we would go to the other parent to ask and get the same response. we went back and forth all over the house wishing that our parents would just ask eachother. now that i am a parent i find it tempting to do the same but i try not to. if it's something that i really have no opinion of, i send the kids to their dad with the message that i don't mind but it's up to him to decide. my husband seems fine with this system. you have to find what works for both you and your husband.

The way I see it and my husband does as well we are partners in both raising our kids and the home. Yes he works out side of the home but I bust my butt with our kids daily. One anyone in the home not trowing away their own trash well its just disrespectful. Do you go to his job and leave your trash laying around? No and you wouldnt think of it. Start tho put his empty pop cans in his dresser or some place he uses his car even. When he asks why it there tell him you assumed he wanted to keep it since he didnt throw it away himself! This is of course if you have already talked to him about it in a adult manner. I also like to point out how being lazy around the home is a bad example to the kids. My husband does his own laundry for the most part now. He cant manage to get his dirty clothes in the laundry room. I wont wash what isnt there. I wont go hunt for his clothes to be washed. Now if its in there I will wash stuff but I expect everyone in the house to put away their own laundry. I am teaching them responsibility which is just as much apart of my job as a stay at home mom as the rest of it. If I ask my hubby to do something he does it like take out the trash ect. I bought him a gas grill this summer so he has been cooking dinner more often as well.

Oh we always had to go ask both parents. I have mine ask dad if I remember. My hubby works long hours too and I am the main care giver so I forget to sometimes BUT most of the time its something I know my yes to is enough or my no.