Can I Divorce My In-laws?

As I have said time and again, sometime you just have to love people from a "distance"....this includes family and friends.

When you get married the relatives are a package deal. If you need to set boundries then do it. Be firm if necessary. Some people you are better off keeping at a polite distance.

There are some people in my family like that. Something I learned is that you can't control other people, but you CAN control your reaction to them. What I finally decided was that life is too short to surround yourself with toxic people, even if they're blood relatives. So I cut off all contact with them - haven't spoken to them in 15 years, and don't regret it one bit. Just because nature made these people your husband's relatives doesn't mean you have to like them or spend time with them. Just ignore them. If your husband likes them, let him spend time with them. You don't have to go. I give you permission. :)

I know they're your kids' grandparents, but the other question is, if they're bad-mouthing you and your family, do you want them around your kids? Do you want your kids to feel like they are betraying this grandma and grandpa by loving your family? I ask this because when I was a kid, my mom always tried to "turn the other cheek" with my dad's family to try and maintain the peace. Well, I'd be over at grandma and grandpa's house and they'd bad-mouth my mother right in front of me! It made me so mad, even as a small child. I think it might have been better if my parents had limited my contact with these awful people. I know they were trying to do the right thing, but if you hate spending time with them, your kids probably do too. You know? :)

Don't do them any favors, don't talk to them unless necessary, don't give them any personal information about your family and limit your time with them. Lots of us have learned to do this and it is for the better. Good luck!

Sounds like you guys need to keep the united front and be firm with them and boundaries. I'd also tell your mom to no longer do them any favors.

You can move over 2000 miles away...works for me...

My husband and I divorced my MIL 2 years ago.. Best decision!!!! I could write a book with everything she has done! She was great with our son, but I can't trust her not to brainwash him....
Just because their blood, doesn't mean you have to continue to put up with a bunch of nonsense.. IMO

You see listening to someone who overheard someone say something is not great. I know this is your friend but sometimes the gossip can be wrong. I have learned over time that if I do not hear it with my own ears , I do not want to hear it. I would say visit them, let them visit your family and keep things simple. I am like you I do not gossip nor do I listen to gossip. Stick up for yourself if you hear things first hand. Good luck!

This sounds so very familiar as I read your story! Except the backstabbing, gossiping mother is MY OWN! I am 44 years old and when I finally realized the kind of pain she was causing in HER large family (I am the 2nd child, first daughter, of 7 children) I tried to discuss the situation with my mom only causing a big fight and for her to turn the situation on myself. She drags whichever one will listen to her gossip and talk about all the other kids. There was a time when we were so very close and I could share everything with her . I choose to talk to her during family events, etc., and invite her to the same, but she is no longer a part of my life like a mother should be. My siblings will figure it out as they get older (youngest one is 24). My life is much simpler with less stress and I don't hate my mother, I just chose to remove myself from her and her ways. You have a choice to make...just be glad it's not your own mother. On the other hand, I have a great mother and father in law!

They sound like people you need to draw firm boundaries for and never, I repeat NEVER, allow them to step over it, because they will try. Repeatedly.

(You AND your husband) Tell them how they have made you feel in the past and what behavior you will not tolerate. Tell them the consequences they will have for said behaviors. Then do what you promise you will do, the first time and every time.

Something like this- "In the past, your actions (specific, list) have made us feel hurt and resentful. In the future, we will not tolerate these behaviors (specific, list). If you continue to (said behaviors, actions), we will have no choice but to limit our contact with you and to limit your contact with our children."

All the best to you!

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I think you and I have the same in-laws! LOL! I know how horrible it is. I've come to the point of just avoiding them and being just simply polite when I have to see them. I just say hi answer any questions they ask me and that's about it. I never start any conversations with them. There is not much else you can do. Sucks, I know! Just don't let your kids become aware of how mean they are. When they get older they will find out for themselves. Good luck! It's a lifelong battle

walk away n ignore them-you tried to talk to them-did they listen? NOPE!!..so ignore them-move on-and in the future-if anyone comes at you with so n so said,,,stop them right there and politely tell whoever you dont want to hear it.and if inlaws ask why no contact..simply say youve been really busy.dont confront them anymore-its pointless.and as far as them being your kids grandparents-tough-their making the choice to be put to the curb.i wouldnt invite them for anymore functions-and at christmas time if their still acting assnine-have your own christmas.ppl seem to think that because they have kids they have to be subjected to this kind of bad behavior because its "family"..well no you dont-and neither do they.most of all you dont want them picking up this kind of foul behavior.move forwards and teach your children better manners.because in the end thats all that really matters..your childrens best interest.good luck

Hey J.,
I feel you. I know how hard it can be to be involved with in-laws like that. My problem is that my husband ALWAYS sides with his mother and not his wife. The only thing I can suggest is to be you and rise above the nastiness they put on you. only deal with them when you have to. If they are nasty to you or around your children simply put a smile on your face and sternly say, I was unaware you felt that way, or I would send your children out of the room and let them know that it was inappropriate to speak like that in front of your children. You seem like a good person. Don't let any one make you feel different. You don't have to be nasty to them, just don't let them get away with it. I have just learned that my in-laws are moving closer to us and they think they are going to take over MY motherly duties. I just put a smile on my face and simply said, " Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" and " We'll see what happens" . My mother in-law didn't like it, but it stopped her dead in her tracks. Best of luck. Remember, be strong. Put your foot down. You are better than them.

They are NOT FAMILY. They are relatives. You do not have to feel any obligation to spend time with or waste time thinking about people who don't offer anything positive to your life. Be thankful that your husband is on your side of this and just stay away from them.

I feel your pain, as I tried for a lot of years to find the good in my inlaws. We had it "easy" because after my father in law died stepmother in law became super distant and very business like in her dealings with us (and by dealings with us I mean in making sure my husband and his brother got all of his stuff out of her house because they had a post nup and none of it was her concern) and we decided it was a blessing that things unfolded like this when our kids were so young. Over time memories will fade and to not have selfish people who set a bad example around our kids on so many levels is the best thing for them, family or not. I still get very sad because I know my daughter (4) still thinks about her, but she has not once reached out to even talk to her (or us) regardless of our attempts. I can't tell you what the right answer is for you, obviously, but from the little you've said I'm certain I would cut them out of my life as much as possible before they suck out more joy and energy from my life and the life of those I love. It sucks, and I SO get that, but they will keep behaving the way they do as long as they are permitted to do so and it will continue to affect you as long as you allow them in your lives, right? Good luck.

That's a tuffy. I've had to stay away from certain in-laws & certain relatives of mine just b/c of that very reason. They're very condecending, demeaning, talk down to others & negatively towards others, spread rumors & gossip which in turn, turns siblings against each other which, I guess is entertaining for them, I dunno. I usually get stuck in the middle of it or am blamed for 'causing the trouble' to where I hafta apologize & smooth things over even though I've literally done nothing wrong but these certain people are so pretentious & on their high horse that they literally break me down to where I give in...I really hate being run over by these people so I've just chosen to stay away. They don't ever call me anyway. I often say that if they didn't have anything to gossip about, they'd be really unhappy or they just wouldn't have anything to say. I'd say just avoid them all together. If they ask to come for a visit or ask you why you hadn't visited, just tell them that it's come to your attention some things that were said that you don't appreciate & it's best that you no longer have relations w/them at this time & leave it at that. If they argue, hang up. Change your number if you have to. Delete them off of your Facebook or Myspace if you have an acct & they're on it. Do what you feel necessary to be peaceful in your home. Unfortunately we must do things like this to have peace in the home. Maybe someday, they'll see the error of their ways. Hope this helps, good luck!

Well, you could just have a real "meeting" when the entire family is together and tell everyone at the same time what the entire truth is to dispel the rumors that these people are throwing around. (If you actually know what it is that they are saying.)

Or, instead of people standing around in little groups talking, get everyone's attention and make all the discussions open. Your MIL and SIL will hate that.

I don't blame you if you never spend the night with them ever again or let them near your mother. That doesn't mean hardening your heart. That means being smart.

Truly, your husband should let them have it. Where is his father in all of this? If he is in the picture, he should talk to his father about it.

Protect yourself, truly. You have the right to do that.

Dawn

If they gossip to you or your husband, speak up by changing the subject and if they continue say to them "I rather not talk gossip, thank you" or "I wonder what you say about me behind my back, if you don't have problems talking trash about others". You can also ask them point blank if they are together "don't you ever wonder what you each say about each other when you aren't together?" If they talk to others, there isn't much you can do about it so ignore it like other family members do. I am sure everyone sees them for what they are and if they don't say anything nice about others, they won't say anything nice about each other or you either. I would write them off because they are your husbands family and your children need their grandparents, it would be h*** o* them along with the grandparents. On the bit with talking about your mother, stand up to them and tell them you won't put up to that, you wouldn't put up with someone talking trash about them either.

I am lucky in that I have great in-laws, however, my sister has been challenged on this for many years. What she has learned is to set boundaries with them and be firm with her conversations with them. She is respectful but for example on Christmas Eve or any other holiday, they have made the decision the spend it with just their family but they let the family know that, they don't ask. However, she is respectful in that she will state "should be get together on Christmas Day or the Day after to celebrate". Your husband also needs to start playing a stronger roll (if he doesn't already) considering it is his family. Godd luck to you!!!

You guys already seem to be doing the right things. And it almost sounds like most everyone already knows they are what they are, which is good in that it doesn't make your and your husband the odd ones out. It's also good because it can help tame the hurt and anger knowing that if they weren't gossiping about you or anyone else they'd be gossiping about the trees in the yard. ;)

I say just limit your time with them to holidays, birthdays etc that they are able to attend. Not EVERY holiday or birthday either -- pace yourselves ;) No favors, no extra effort.

As for your kids' relationship with them, make them understand (if their old enough and if they're aware of the situation) that these folks' negativity ("bad manners") isn't the way your kids should behave but that they're still family and they are important. Don't make your issues with them into your kids' issues - they will be able to form their own opinions eventually.

My dad's parents were always a bit more negative and gossipy. Never extremely hurtful but they had suffered a lot of emotional losses and were just sort of bitter at the world. My mom was briefly the recipient but, even after my parents split and my dad died, she was always really good about not making issues between her and them have anything to do with us and them and she always kept us in touch with them - though limited. My sister and I always wondered why they were cranky and kind of sad but aside from that we felt their constant love for us and looking back and having a bit more insight on their lives I'm grateful for the time we had with them.

Just know that they're the types that will likely never be on the positive end of the spectrum and that's not your fault or responsibility.

I will say that I'm sorry it hasn't worked out better since we all know that ideally, the more family and support the better since there'd be more to love and be loved. If you truly feel upset about it/them for much longer, don't feel bad about talking to a therapist/counselor because negative people really can take their toll on others in serious ways.

Good luck :)

Oh my! Well unfortunately you cannot divorce your inlaws :) I am no longer married but my ex-husband's Father and I did not get along. He was a gossipy type of person as well and felt that I was not good enough for his Son. Needless to say my Mom didn't like my father-in-law and neither did my Dad. The way I dealt with him for six years was to just be cordial and through prayer. I know for myself that I sometimes want people to treat me the same as I do them and I've learned in my 40 years that it doesn't always happen that way. Don't ever allow anyone to change who you are and just try to be cordial. Allow the kids to spend time with their grandparents. However if they begin to get the children involved in their "messiness" then both you and the hubby are gonna have to sit down and have a real "pow-wow" with them. Blessings 2 U!!!