A couple months ago, my husband and I "rescued" his daughter from her neglectful and mildly abusive mother. Apart from some mild temper tantrums that I know are pretty standard among 4 year olds, she's been a pretty good kid.
However...
For some odd reason, the courts have decided that we need to facilitate communication between mother and daughter. They talk on the phone every couple of days and her mom has been to the house twice since October.
Here's my thing. When she first got here, she didn't pee her pants. Then after her mom's first visit, she started peeing her pants a couple times a week. It went away after a few weeks. After her mom's second and most recent visit on the 10th, she started peeing her pants every day, a couple times a day. She finally regained control a couple days ago.
Another thing: Lately, she hasn't wanted to talk to her mom on the phone. Dad and I are fine with this, but if we don't encourage her to talk to her mom, she'll go crying to the courts that we're withholding her daughter and stuff gets really annoying. But the kiddo will say "I don't want to talk to her!!!" and even say to her mom "I don't want to talk to you!" She'll even go so far as to leave the room in the middle of a conversation. The issues come up when she has good conversations with her mom, which happen every couple of weeks. She'll sit on the couch, holding the phone on speaker phone and talk about their days, what she did at daycare, what she's going to the next day, stuff like that. They usually last about 10 minutes or so. It's after these conversations that she starts to act out. She'll ignore us, refuse to undress herself for a bath, refuse to eat dinner...But the next day, she'll be back to normal and be refusing to talk to her mom again.
I know she has no desire to live with her mom; she's said so on many occasions. We'll be playing and randomly, out of the blue, she'll say "I like living here better than with my mom." She's told her mom this, too. She's even told us "I don't like my mommy."
We have no idea what's causing her to act out after visits and good phone calls. While we're not overly fond of her mother, we do encourage them to talk. Even when she doesn't want to talk to her, we say "Oh common. At least say hi to her." She also knows that if she ever wants to talk to her mom, she can. She never asks to call her mom.
We have absolutely no idea what causes her to act like that. It's the strangest thing. Has anyone dealt with something like this? Is there any way we can prevent her from acting out?
We're going to be finding a child psychiatrist probably next week. Hopefully that will help. We've also been documenting things she's said about her mother that we find disturbing so hopefully the courts won't order visitation. Idaho tends to be a mother first state and most judges here will order some sort of contact. It's really frustrating, but hopefully finding some professional help for the kiddo will help. I'm also hoping that the psychiatrist will be a better influence on the judge than we are and that will do something constructive.
It's going to be a long couple of years...
Could she be acting out and having accidents because she feels stessed, upset or angry for being forced into situations in which she clearly does not want to be in?
I am not an expert, but your stepdaughter sounds like she's been through a fair amount of trauma and stress and her "acting out" is a cry for help. You cannot expect a 4 year old to react to things and act the way an adult would, or to be able to articulate their feelings and emotions, which may be very complicated and conflicted. I would recommend consulting with a professional - hopefully your pediatrician could refer you to a therapist/counselor who specializes in cases like these and family counseling will help all of you to learn how to help each other during this challenging time.
A "good" visit would be harder to handle than a "bad" visit from the perspective of someone who has been abused, neglected or abandoned.
You have to remember that your daughter's frame of reference is off. It will ALWAYS be off. FOREVER. You can teach her to be comfortable in a different world, where people act the way they should, but the seeds of this kind of stuff run very very very very very deep.
Play along with me, for just a second.
Generally, kids who are from this kind of background are only comfortable when things are consistent. Yes, even if they are consistently bad.
Inconsistency is WORSE because they don't know what's coming. If they can gauge how many times they'll be hit, or that they won't be getting dinner or breakfast so they know they have to wait until lunch tomorrow to eat, that Uncle Joe will come in the bedroom before midnight or they know mom will be passed out by the time Fairly Odd Parents comes on..... well then they know what "work" they have to do. "work" is surviving it, by the way. Making it... until it's over and so they know how much "free" time they have. Their window to breathe.
If all of sudden things are good...... well the world explodes. Because they don't know when the next bad thing is coming. And to most kids from this kind of background..... surviving means being prepared for it. Not being taken off guard.
All this stuff is instinctive. It's not something she can control.
It probably throws her for a loop to talk to her mom when things go well, because she doesn't know what to do and can't trust that. It throws her for a loop when things don't go well, because she doesn't live there anymore so she doesn't have control over her own environment or whatever rituals she used to do before, during and after. So, either way..... she's thrown for a loop.
I would level with her. "Listen. I know you don't like it. But it's important that you maintain contact with your mom. Remember that you live here with us. You will always live here with us. That will never change. But it's important that you talk to / visit with your mom. She can't hurt you. You live with us. We love you. We know you love us. You live with us."
Then, define some structure around the phone calls and visits so that she knows what to expect EVERY SINGLE TIME. she has a snack. 3 carrots, a cube of cheese, and a juice box. She talks with you about what she wants to talk to her mom about. after the call/visit you play a game of connect 4 or candyland or whatever she's into. A physical game would be good - Wii boxing or tennis? Displacement has a real place to reduce tension. Then she rips up lettuce for dinner. she eats from the same plate and uses the same cup for dinner. You will do that exact thing EVERY SINGLE TIME she has a phone call with her mom. That way she knows what to expect.
I also think you give her physical outlets to put a name to her emotions. "You sound mad? It would make me mad if I didn't want to talk to my mom. It's ok to be mad. When I'm mad I (hit a pillow / run around in circles / do jumping jacks / cry) because that makes me feel better. It's ok to be mad and do those things to help yourself feel better - as long as you (do them in your room / in the playroom downstairs / outside)".
"You look scared. It's ok to be scared. It's a scary thing to have a parent that you don't get along with. It's ok to be scared. When I'm scared I (talk to your dad / talk to someone I love / hold my bear tightly) because that makes me feel better even though the situation is scary. It's ok to be scared and do those things to help you feel better".
If she can't handle her emotions mentally, then she's going to handle them physically. If she doesn't have a way to control them herself they will control her (ie peeing in her pants).
The other bit of advice I'd give you is to leave YOUR emotions as far out of it as you can. She was probably way too tied into her mom's emotions. So, when she says she likes living with you say "I'm glad you like where you live. We like that you live with us". Instead of "it makes me happy that you like living here". subtle but important distinction that doesn't make her responsible for how you feel.
Also - remember that you'd rather have her work through all of this by acting out at 4 than at 14. Because at 14 if she hasn't learned how to process all this it will probably involve drugs and boys and that will be MUCH worse than peeing in her pants and ignoring you for the evening. so, I would LET her act out ("it's ok for you to go in your room and spend time alone tonight"). Let her get control of her environment and process all these incredibly shitty and complex feelings while proving that YOU are safe, your reactions don't change, and however it is she behaves isn't tied to how YOU treat her.
There's some formula for how long it takes to undue damage. I can't remember what it is exactly, but I think it's twice as long. So, if you're in a shitty relationship for 6 months.... it'll take you about a year to get your stuff together and get back on track.
She's been in that situation for 4 years. Her fix is not a couple of months. It's YEARS and YEARS and YEARS.
Good Luck. I wish you and your family peace.
This child has been neglected and "mildly" abused by the very person that should love her the most and didn't--her own mother.
She might be happier and safer at your place, but she's missing the "idea" of her "mom" and what it should be like.
Please find a therapist for this little girl.
Good luck!
The courts typically see the need to facilitate communication between parent and child(ren) in the hope of family reunification, do your best to cooperate. My stepdaughter had problems in the same situation and needed the help of a therapist. Getting on board with a therapist now who can verify what's happening for the court if the need and time arises, and who can help you work with your daughter in positive ways to help her deal with her emotions which in turn will help her to not "act out" and will benefit all of you in the long run. This won't happen overnight and if you maintain custody will be going on to some extent for 14 more years.
God bless.
I don't know how this will sound to you but I will say it anyway. I think it is important for you to give her the right and the power to say it is okay to not have to like or want to talk to her mother, or to go to her mother. And you need to bring that issue up to the court. This little girl is telling you in no uncertain terms that something is wrong between her and her mother. Even when the visits are going in a positive manner. Someone needs to listen.
Just make sure the courts know this. This is a reaction to something that is not good. You may want to get some advice from your family doctor.
N.
I said this in your last post but I will say it again, get your stepdaughter as much therapy, love attention, time and support you possibly can. She needs structure, love, attention, understanding, compassion... as much as you have it in to give her.
