Divorce from Controlling Husband - Have 3 Kids. Advice or Direction Appreciated.

Hi A..
My heart aches for you and your children. I agree with the other moms that you need legal help immediately. Start documenting all the patterns of behavior date/time/etc. My sister has recently been made aware of Parental Alienation Syndrome where one parent basically poisons the minds of the children against another parent. Don't let this happen to you! It is so very sad to witness children that were once loving to a parent become sneaky spies for the other parent.

Here are a couple websites to look over. I'm not an expert, but I know there are lawyers out there that will help you document this situation. My sister told me that for some reason PAS is common in the Austin area. Good luck and God Bless.

The International Handbook of Parental Alienation Syndrome
http://www.ccthomas.com/ebooks/9780398076474.pdf

Parental Alienation Awareness Organization
http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/

2 moms found this helpful

The first thing you need to do is get your kids home and keep them home. Then get yourself a good, family law attorney. You cannot allow this man to take your kids from you. The law will give him the Standard Possession Order, unless you give in and agree to more. That means you are primary custodian and he gets the kids every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend, 30 days in the summer and every other Christmas, etc. DO NOT allow him to bully you out of your kids. You are the mom and they are not going to give your kids to their dad unless you haVe some kind of serious issue, like drugs. If you need help with this, email me. I just went thru a custody trial and I can give you some pointers. In the mean time...document everything your kids tell you. You will need it for evidence. I know it sounds scary and expensive, but your kids are worth it. He may just be bluffing. My ex did the same thing and did not think I would stand up to him when he threaten to take me to court. I told him, "bring in on!" and I won the custody trial.

I am praying for you,
S.

1 mom found this helpful

I married a man & shortly discovered he already had 3 other wives & at least 5 kids. I tried filing everything myself & filed charges with the military after talking with the local police. The only attorney who would touch me & make payment arrangements on having my marriage voided (after 6 years) was Patricia Brown in Round Rock. I loved working with her & her office staff. http://www.patricialbrownlaw.com/
Her number is ###-###-####.

Another avenue you may want to consider is Texas Legal Aid for low income (or in some cases no income) people. check out this site for more info: http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/Texas-free-legal-a...

Third option you can consider... my current boyfriend had his attorney write into the decree that his ex-wife is to reimburse him for all attorney fees & slap it on top of the child support.

Yes girls, a man can get custody of his child in some cases. My boyfriend won sole custody of his disabled daughter. Courts take into account who the children are ACTUALLY living with at the time proceedings start, they grant temporary orders, they hear both sides out. It isn't as easy as I have a vagina so I get my kids. Courts don't want to disrupt who the kids live with any more than they have to so if they're already living with dad & they're doing well it may be true that you won't get them back. I'm not a lawyer. Just speaking from personal experience over the past year seeing my boyfriend go through a custody change. While it is true that it is harder to take kids from mom than it is from dad don't get your heart set on any one result until you talk to a professional.

As for what the kids hear, you can only control what you say. School counselors, church counselors, mentors- they are all very helpful in situations like this.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.

My name is C. and I am a paralegal in El Paso Texas. Texas laws are definately different than CA laws. So write to me on my private email and I will help you out as much as i can. ____@____.com I have worked in family law for over 10 years. I do agree with everyone on getting an attorney but before you do, talk with me and I can point you in the right direction with questions you will need on hand prior to your visit with an attorney. You have more rights than you think you do. I have been through it all myself, so please I would really like to help you, contact me soon. Like everyone was saying do not agree to or sign anything, because it could come back to bite you in the behind. I am a single mother of two so believe me I know how scary it is to think you will be on your own with 3 kids. But please don't even think of giving any of your precious miracles away to your soon to be ex. You can do it on your own, you may have to scrafice a few things but in the end it will be worth it. If you gave up two of your children you would end up regreting it. So again please contact me.

C. in El Paso

1 mom found this helpful

Please please please don't let yourself be intimidated. Most controlling men, when they have lost control of the wife they try to control the whole divorce. If you take him to court with a lawyer, you will get WAY more than 500 dollars. What you need to realize is that he is the one who is scared. He doesn't want to go to court because he knows that you will come out on top any way possible. You will get the kids, you will get 50% of the property, and you will be rewarded child support(and not 500 dollars) The more frightened he becomes the more he will try to get you to agree to something out side of court on his terms. Be strong. Talk to an attorney and tell them your money situation. There are organizations out there to help with affordable legal help. Or maybe you can get a payment plan.
In the meantime you need to live life like you are under a microscope. Watch every thing you do cause it can and will be used against you. Start taking out 20 dollars here and there from the grocery store when you go. Look around for stuff to sell on Craigslist or ebay, or have a garage sale. Open an account that he doesn't know about and start saving a little at a time. I had to do this when I left my husband because he had everything! I sold movies, video games, jewelry...whatever! If he asked where it was I'd play dumb like we lost it. When I left I had enough to get a little apartment until I got a job. Once the court sessions were over and I started getting child support, I could afford a little better and we moved. It was tight for a while, but I wouldn't trade my freedom for anything!

1 mom found this helpful

Don't let him play you like that!!!You need your sanity too!!! Take his A** to court and make him pay. He is just trying to keep controlling you. Let the COURT CONTROLL HIM. Tell the girls you love them and that mommy and daddy cannot get along together, but that doesn't mean that you love them any less. they will see how he is for what he is....and that is a controlling jerk.
I'm sorry but you are gonna hafta be strong(and you can do it!!)Stay in school too and become a nurse, CNA just doesn't pay that well in Texas (been there, done that)find some friends and don't worry about his baggage any more!!

You really need to get a lawyer and go threw the nasty court battle. He is still controlling this situation and you need to have the law on your side. Best of luck.

OK I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH THIS LETTER SHOCKED ME. I WENT THRU THIS VERY SAME THING AFTER 17 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. MY EX HAD HIS MOTHER PICK HIS CHECK UP SO THAT I COULDN'T. HE THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO HER & ASK FOR MONEY, BUT HE GOT FOOLED. I INFORMED HIM HE COULD PAY BILLS, BUY GROCERIES, & HAND OUT MONEY FOR BOTH KIDS & DEAL WITH THE REALITY OF WHAT I WENT THRU ALL THE TIME.HE DID NOT LIKE THAT TOO MUCH. LOL
BUT PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM BELITTLE YOU. THOSE KIDS NEED THEIR MOTHER, HE CAN'T BE A MOTHER TO THEM. ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT. & THERE IS NO COURT GOING TO GIVE THEM TO HIM, UNLESS HE CAN PROVE YOU UNFIT, DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT TO ME. HE WILL ALSO RUN YOU DOWN AS MUCH AS HE CAN, BUT PLEASE STAND UP TO HIM. TELL HIM TO PROVE TO YOU HE CAN DO THESE THINGS HE IS CLAIMING HE CAN DO.JUST LET HIM TRY.
TALK TO YOUR GIRLS, TELL THEM HE IS GONNA TRY & SAY YOU DON'T LOVE THEM, REASSURE THEM JUST HOW MUCH THEY DO MEAN TO YOU. TELL THEM TO JUST NOT ARGUE WITH HIM CAUSE WORDS CAN NOT HURT YOU OR THEM.
& HE WILL HAVE TO PAY DEARLY FOR YOU TO RAISE THEM. GET ALL YOU CAN FROM HIM & YOUR JUDGE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF HIS THINKING.
& AS FAR AS HIS MONEY. TAKE THE PAST 3 YEARS INCOME TAX RETURNS WITH YOU. THAT WILL BE WHERE HIS SUPPORT WIULL BE DETERMINED FROM. BE SUREHE KEEPS INSURANCE ON THEM, AS LONG AS THEY ARE FULL TIME STUDENTS. THAT WILL GET THEM THRU COLLEGE, IF THEY DECIDE TO GO. BUT INCOURAGE THAT FOR THEM. BUT INSURANCE & SUPPORT SHOULD BE SET UP TILL THEY ARE THRU WITH ANY FULL TIME STUDENT STATUS.
I HOPE THIS HELPS, I WAS JUST SO IRRITATED WHEN I READ THIS, CAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH. BEEN THERE & DONE THAT.
GOOD LUCK,
D.

Hi A.,

I know this is a difficult time in your life. If you can find a direction you want to go in, and try putting as much effort as you can into moving into that direction, even if it is just one thing per day, you will soon get there.

When I have been in those situation, and for sure know most of has been there at sometime in our lives, that was the only way I could get out of it ...have it turn out the way I want it to turn out.

Your CNA license gives you a way to fund your way of life, so whatever it takes to make that a reality, and as soon as possible, will get you another step ahead on the journey you have embarked upon. Your children understand and are old enough to know what is going on here, so what ever is happening is happening, you can do nothing to stop that. What you can do is create a life that is what you wanted for your kids in the first place. They will see more with actions rather than words in this situation, I believe.

You know you have done the right thing, so just keep moving ahead. One step at a time gets you closer to the life you deserve. A documentary called THE SECRET is something that helped me get up and out of my situation.

CONGRADULATIONS

Blessings for your new life
J. M

I am sorry that you are going through this the kids do not need this either. However one thing that you need to do and do fast it get a lawyer, have him look in to accounts, do some checking yourself. A very good friend of mine went through the same thing and found accounts in other states. She also recorded some of the phone calls and the ones that took place in the house with a voice activated recorder. It worked and when she played them for the lawyers Boom.

Hello A.,

Let me just say, I am sorry you even have to deal with this, but as the other women suggested, get a great lawyer. Keep every bit of information you have. If you kids tell you "He said...blah Blah.." write the date, whom he told things too, his remarks, etc. My ex sister in law did this and she got full custody of the kids. He played very dirty and well it was a sad and dirty situation, but she came out ahead! Also do not send nasty emails etc to him (so no evidence- if ya understand what I am saying?) or speak wrongly about him to your children. Do not stoop to his level, which seems pretty low.

He is still trying to control you with the threats etc., I have seen it all with my BIL and ex SIL whom I still call my sister.

Best wishes and I pray all goes right for the children.

A.,

Don't let that SOB have any of those girls. Get pissed and fight.......also, if he says those nasty things about you the best thing you can do is take the high road and in your actions show the girls who you are and that they as adult women do not have to take bad behavior from men.

Get a good lawyer....a really good woman lawyer would probably really get his goat--my cousin is going thru the same thing and her divorce is coming out to her advantage.

It's hard girl, but just remember you deserve to have a great life and so do those girls.

Best of luck....ask on Mamasource for referrels for a good lawyer.

DH

Ever thought about giving him custody to force him to have to work more? you complete your CNA, and further your education b/c you know in the long run you'll need to have more in order to do more. I know it must be hard and girls always need their mom's, but girls also need their dads. Have you ever thought about him taking the girls?
They are his responsibility as well and that whatever you decide is for the girl's best interest.
The one thing that I hate most is to see another single mom living below the poverty line for the simple fact that she tries to do it all and yet is not able to provide what a man who can earn more does.
I'm a single mom, too. However, I chose to be. I dumpped the loser. Not your typical story. Usually, the man leaves. Now my daughter's dad is married to a women more wealthy than he...LEECH. Kicking back, while he, Like you said, pays less than he should and still doesn't see his daughter, or in your case, probably won't see his daughters like he should.
However, if you do decide that keeping the girls will be better for you and for them, then make sure that you 1)Matthew 6:33 This is the scripture verse I stand on and stood on when I decided to dump the loser. 2) Know that God does provide 3)Pray.
Of course, I wouldn't tell you this if I have not put this/God to the test. He takes care of the single mom out in the wilderness(dry desert). You are not alone, ever.
Your buddy,
Single Mom Too

Go and get the best possible lawyer out there.

Morning A.;

This is Texas>>>go to court!!! Get you a really hard nosed
"Female" attorney, I am sure there are several there in
Austin, one that will make him wish he'd never tried to
be controlling!
She will use those words of his against him, and you will
have full custody!!
B. C.

Hi A. -- I have been in your shoes. I would not agree to anything with him, you need to find an attorney who can help you. Does your husband's company have an employee assistance program? If so, I would call them and ask them if they have a list of attorneys they can give you. Another option is to see if Austin has a Legal Line service. Houston has one that is sponsored by the Houston Bar Association. Also, you need to document that he made 130K. Find any old tax returns you can and any pay check stubs. As far as him saying that you are not a good Mom, do not go to his level and say anything bad about him in front of the children. Tell your children how much you love them and set the best example you can. What about medical/health insurance? Make sure to ask for him to pay for that in addition to the child support amount and it is probably best that it all be garnished from his paycheck or you will go around and around about it every month. I wish you the best.

Just have to respond to this. YOu can bet he has contacted someone who is telling him what to do-change jobs, pressure you into signing away custody, etc.
If the 1st attorney is not willing to do exactly as you want/need-find another one!!!
YOu are doing this for yourself and also for your daughters-they may hate you now and think it is your fault but when they become adults, they will know how a man should treat them!!!!
Looks like you are going to have lots of people praying for you so be brave!!!
And I agree-get a recorder and record everything-don't answer the phone quickly and make him leave messages and don't erase them.

A., get your daughters and GET A REALLY GOOD FAMILY ATTORNEY! Check around in Austin to see who is the best. Best wishes.

The attorney advice and the shelter advice is dead on.

Concerning what he is saying to the kids. Be strong, don't let them see you upset. I went trough a horrible divorce from a now millionaire in LA. Control is a putting his issues lightly, but he had the name, money, and land. So he got custody of my girls in 1999. It took about 4-5 yrs. until he terminated his rights, and my new husband adopted them. So there is hope.
They are now 15 & 18.
It's not easy to keep your mouth shut, when he says and does stupid hurt-full stuff, but do it. Also explain yourself to your kids, but remember not to say anything he can use against in court. Let them know everything you do is for them, so that you can give them a better life. Try not to turn his insults around on him, just think the kids are old enough to remember all. They love their dad, but the funny thing is they wont be fooled by his good guy face, as they get older, and this happens every minute of every day out of his control.

My advice, is don't give up any custody to any children that you don't want to. You are the girls mother and although it sounds like a rough road with 3 children my Mom did it and it can be done, its call Fed assistance, child support, getting the house in the divorce which the child support paid for, and the husband pays for full daycare of the 4 yr old. for one year. Or you pay for the daycare and he pays for all the childrens health care on his insurance as my dad did. Regardless of what games he is playing with his career now, take previous earnings paperwork as proof for the divorce so the judge knows the severity of his game and stingyness to his 3 children. I say get proof of any assets before a divorce so you know all the money that needs to be split or negotiated. Go to the banks.
Or? Refuse to divorce until your youngest child is in public school as its too big of a burden on you and the children. Which is their fathers fault. This time gives you more time to make a solid plan for your future with the children. My mom waited until we were all in school to eliminate the daycare issue as its expensive and can break two income families let alone one income.
Good luck, plan, investigate money, and plan some more.

Take him to court.
If you are entitled to spousal support, take it. DO NOT cave into his threats. Document everything he does and says. This man does not sound like a good influence for your children. Divorce will bring out the worst in any relationship but you need to protect yourself and your children. This man sounds vindictive and you just need to refuse to allow him to control you any longer. If he is just "manipulating the system", show this in court.

A.,

I went thru the same thing a few years ago and i got away from a that controlling, intimidating excuse for a man....

you have a lot of rights here in tx, he will be forced to pay 20% of his income whether he agrees w/ it or not, so do not give into his demands; let him take thru a trial, you will get even more; if you think your kids will be better w/ you than do not give him custody, however; if you feel he may be a shitty hubby but is an incredible father and you know your child will exceed by living w/ her daddy then give him custody; but always pray about what God wants you to do and be obediant to him for he knows what is best and what will make you and your kids happy so commit it to prayer daily.

good luck
L.

I just saw your update. I've used Kelly Sunberg. She's off of IH-35 and McNeil. There's also another legal office off of Main street, just off of Mays. I don't know if that office handles family law/custody cases; but they could point you in the right direction. Also, I think you can call the Williamson Country Courthouse for a listing of attorneys.

Document document document...EVERYTHING!! Also, don't bad mouth him. When your kids tell you that he's said something negative about you, I'd just respond with "I'm sorry your dad feels that way; but he needs to speak with me about his concerns." Eventually, one of your kids will repeat your response to him and he'll feel stupid when his child sounds more grown up than he does.

I hope things get better; but it sounds like he's a real control freak and it could get ugly, especially if you refuse to give up being the primary parent. As I read your post I'm wondering why he wants you to give up being a primary parent, especially for 2 out of 3 of your children. You've been their primary parent for the last several years as a SAHM. He obviously felt you were more than capable then! I would also start getting consultations from an attorney. I'm not sure what area in Austin you live; but any legal practice will give you a free consultation. I would start with that and speak to several before choosing one to represent you. Don't forget to bring along a list of any questions you have. Your ex can't tell you how much he's going to give you for spousal support and child support, a judge will determine that! Also, when you're ready to negotiate with your ex, I'd ask for EVERYTHING...then negotiate down to something that's more fair. If you start negotiations asking for too little, then you have nothing to negotiate with.

Good luck! I hope this stress passes very quickly for you and your children.

Since you're moving to the Austin area, things will be easier to obtain for you than they were for me. I live in a small town about two hours from there.

Get some legal advice. At least find out what you're up against so you'll know what you have to do. Most attorneys will do a consultation for free. For the most part, the justice system is not fooled in cases like this. Personally, I think it was a mistake to give him two of your children, but having been in a similar situation myself, I can understand the circumstances. It can be undone if you want...not too late, I'm sure. Here in Texas, it takes 90 days to establish residency, and that must be done before papers can be filed for anything, and that includes him.

PM me for more information that other women may not give you, but this will give you a start. I'll pm you with my e-mail address. I'm not an attorney, but it hasn't been three years since I went through a similar situation myself. You're not alone!!

I hate to say it but he is just going to end up making things worse. Get a good lawyer and fight. He will end up paying less because of the type of person he is (getting a lower paying job, etc). But document everything that the kids tell you. Take them to a family therapist where he can talk to them and he will get the truth out of them also. When that comes out in court, he will not get the kids (unless you cannot provide a good home for them) and he will have to pay - alimony and child support. He may even end up with very limited visitation if that is the kind of stuff that he is doing when they are with him. The court will find that it is not healthy for the children. Keep your chin up and fight. Don't give in to any of those demands because they never come through or stick to it.

Im so sorry to hear from your troubles. Divorce can be hard under any circumstances but when the husband tries his best to act in the worst way possible it seems even more appalling. Spoken Im sure just like another woman who has been in your shoes somewhat. My advise to you would be to find a lawyer immediately and let him/her know what he is doing. Not only is it not right morally it is wrong legally in a court of law. What he is doing when he tells the kids those horrible things about you is Parent Alienation and can be stopped by the courts. Along with everything else he is doing. All court battles are lengthy but if you let him scare you then he will win. Just remember you are your kids mother and that is where all of them belong. Let the courts decide the rest but get a lawyer and know all of your rights so you can protect yourself.

Good Luck!

Hi A.,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
You can get an attorney to ask the court to to pay for your legal costs . I did not know all this myself when I went through hell and back recently , but learned the hard way .
Since you are a stay at home mom , and he is the primary income provider , your lawyer can ask the court to have your husband pay your legal costs. So don't let no money to get an attorney stand in your way . Go see a lawyer that offers a free initial consultation and ask him about him asking the court to have your husband pay your legal fees. Feel free to interview more than one , and go with the one that you feel will represent your every right . Document everything ..... I mean everything !!!!
A. your husband is scared , he has everything to loose , and you have plenty to gain. That is why he is trying to impose ultimatums, don't sign anything , don't agree to anything , and a lawyer will have your husband adhere to the law , whether he likes it or not .
Also , you have rights A., he is only doing these nasty things to you in order to scare you and still trying to exercise his twisted control over you . Don't let him !!!
As far as your children go , I know it's hurtful to have them tell you what their dad is saying , but children know better .
Hang in there , do what you need to do , and end his abusive cycle that you have endured for so long. You and your children deserve better !!!
God bless

A.,
Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. first, if you have not gotten a "real good attorney" then you should do that immediately.
Texas has real great laws concerning parenting and child support. I am not an attorney, but have either gone thru some of this or have had friends and family going thru it...

In Texas, first you have the primary parental rights for all your children unless you decide to let one be with him--- your choice- as for the alimony and/or child support- your attorney can make hubby produce last two years tax returns as evidence of his earning ability and the fact that he is taking a lower paying job is something the judge will certainly look at- and most likely frown upon- also, you have the right which should be in your decree to have him submit 1040's every year- any increase in income will automatically be given to you as child support accordingly.......he cannot withhold this from you or your attorney- this will be ineffect until your youngest is 18 or if in college age 21- however you and your attorney decide to frame the verbage.
Good luck on your new career choice- CNA's are in great demand especially in texas....One thing I can suggest is DO NOT ACCEPT ANY CASH FROM HIM ....MAKE IT ALL GO THRU THE COURTS.....
You have the right to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and do not let him control you any longer.
God bless and prayers be with you.

Bless your heart! I dont know if I can be of any help....but you FIGHT for those kids if thats what you want. If you have any family or friends who can vouch for all you say.....they can stand up for you by trial or by an affidavit. He should pay child support and spousal as well and if you have a good lawyer....you will get it. I just went thru a divorce after 37 yrs but we had no babies to deal with. He ended up being nicer than I thot. I used a female lawyer but I am in Houston. There should be womens shelters there in Austin who can be of great help to you to help you find the lawyer you need and that could be a step in the right direction. I was a stay at home mom working part time jobs all my married life and have no skills so I was awarded 1150 for one year spousal. Course he agreed....but you may be able to get something like that along with your child support. Its going to be nasty....if you have faith keep your faith and pray alot and the Lord will be with you through it all. I will keep you in my prayers as well. Im sorry all I really have to offer is sympathy...but dont give up on your kids. There is no reason to separate your kids unless you feel YOU just cannot do it. THATS not fair to the kids. My love and prayers go out to you. K. W

Hello..
I live here in Austin for 3 yrs now I have 1 baby girl she is 17 months ...First I would like to say you exASS loser husband is a lowlife. Anyone who would use their kids like that and and say hurtfull things about the other parent plus don't want to pay unless HE gets his way. Needs to grow up and be a man. And why does he only want primary parent for only 2 of the 3 why not all 3??? (Red Flag 2 me) Second if you don't say mean things about him now then don't start. Show your kids you are the adult and don't play his game. When the kids tell you he say this stuff just retell them the truth! That you love them and always want to be with them no matter what anyone says. Kids are smart they will see the truth. Kids get their wisdom from us. If we are strong and have a kind heart they will fallow your lead. As for the money Im no lawyer and believe me Im not rich more like happy poor. but I say don't fight for it, don't give in either. If you have to go to court just think is it really worth it? Make a list of what good and bad could come from it, and is it worth your time your kids time? You had to work hard for your CNA and should be proud of it. Make that work for you. Let him keep his money..everyone knows he has to pay so let him pay what the cheap bastered can pay. You are a STRONG WOMEN AND MOTHER don't let him take that!!! This is a new page in your life so I saw Rock it till the wheels fall off Baby. Now you have all the control. Also Pray about it, put it in God's hands and he will take care of it and you. You have to have faith in him he will never give you more then you can handle. Thats why God made friends so when you almost feel you have had enough and are ready to quite God will carry you and your friends will always walk beside holding your hand and ready to carry you. He has hiden your beauty from the world for too long don't give him that control anymore.

Make sure you do all your research, see what he really can and cannot do. Controlling husbands will use the same threats and techniques that they used to use on you to make you comply. Arm yourself with the law and make sure his threats can actually be carried out or if he is bluffing. Document everything. And hopefully it will all work out. My husband was doing the same thing and it just took some research into his backround to help me get thru the threats. Child support is mandatory, if its court ordered, he has to pay a percentage for each child and for 3 children, its over 40% of what he makes that they deduct straight from his paycheck. He sounds like hes wanting to hurt you so more then likely the children issue is his way of doing that. Keep track of everything. Good luck

A.- I just wanted to comment on a few things I didn't see already addressed.

First, keep up your neutral attitude about Daddy in front of your children. Great job so far!! It is soooo important that you don't bad-mouth him like he does you. In time, your girls will see that YOU are the kind person they can trust and Daddy is the hurtful one. Your 9 & 7 year-olds will see this very quickly, I'm afraid, so don't be surprised if they start asking some hard questions. Answer them the way you feel comfortable (even if it's "why don't you ask your father why he does that") but always tell the truth! Your ex's words will come back to haunt him, I promise. They are old enough to think through some things on their own, but they may want a neutral person to talk to as well - suggest the school counselor or teacher. (Give teachers a heads-up this may be coming, too).

When your kids tell you about what your ex says about you, just ask them if they think it's true. If they say "yes" or "maybe" take some time to explain things or ask why they feel that way. This will let them trust you more and help put them at ease. Soon they will stop believing his lies.

Lastly, I wanted to say from experience that the divorce will be nasty on your kids NO MATTER WHAT you do!!! It is confusing and hurtful for them and you. Don't be afraid to get family counseling for yourselves, especially if Daddy is going to drag it out for as long as he can (and, of course, blame you for it). The best thing you can do is get it done right and as quickly as possible while still getting the best deal you can. A good divorce lawyer will definitely help with that (oh, and you may want to consult two or three before deciding on one).

Best wishes to you and your girls. Keep your head high and know you are doing what's right for your family!

A....

Well sorry to tell you, you are in for a nasty divorce. Whatever you do DO NOT AGREE TO OR SIGN ANYTHING THIS MAN GIVES YOU. Find an attorney and take him to court. Because you have been a SAHM, he will be required to provide spousal support to you and child support for the kids.

Good luck.

Hey A.! Belive me, I KNOW how you feel. I was in a relationship for 3 yrs w/the SAME type of guy. ALWAYS a control freak w/EVERYTHING! He'd volunteer me for things w/o even asking! He had THE WORST table manners (easier to say he HAD NO manners!) he accused me of not "doing the dishes right" or the vacuuming or not knowing how to 'properly' hang clothes on the line (the clothes I hung up stayed on the line wheras his fell off...case in point!) would never let me pick a movie or where we'd eat out or watch what I wanted to on the t.v., etc. well needless to say, thank GOODNESS we didn't have any kids together & believe me it wasn't for lack of trying on his part! What I would suggest you do is stand your ground, don't give into his petty & selfish demands. TAKE him to court if necessary. I'm sure the judge will certainly see that he is indeed the selfish & controling man that he is & will see that you are trying your best to do what is right. He OWES you monetary assistance...don't let him bully you into caving in to what he wants. He's a selfish bully...used to getting his way probably & he'll keep on being a bully to you because obviously he has to control everything out of fear for losing control of "his environment". So be STRONG & DON'T let him bully you! It took me 3 years & 10 times trying to dump my sorry a$$ b-friend but I did it...w/help from friends but I did it. Best of luck to you!! But remember DON'T BACK DOWN! Try to tape your phone conversations too! You can get a device at Radio Shack or some place like that which you can just hook up to a simple tape recorder & to your phone (only usually wks w/a landline phone though so you may be outta luck on that one if you only have a cell phone) but MOST importantly, be sure to let your kids know that what he says is NOT true, make sure that they believe you. Again best of luck!

Get an Attorney, a really good attorney. Document everything and do NOT sign anything without the advice of a really good attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney, contact the local (Travis County) Divorce Attorney Bar Association and see if they have attorneys that can help you for less money. Also many attorney's will allow you to make payments to them.

It sounds like you received some great advice, A.. I just wanted you to know that I will pray about your situation. One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 4:13 which basically says "don't worry about anything, instead pray about EVERYTHING." God bless!

You have rights that you need to fight for. Don't just hand two of your children over to a man like this. It sounds like he wants to use them as pawns to hurt you. Don't let him! You have gotten some great advice here, take it and get good legal assistance.

You are getting a divorce. The Judge will decide on the amount of child support he's to pay, and it isn't based on what he makes but what the children's needs are, and the Attorney General will see to it that it's taken out of his paycheck on a regular basis. Unless you have something in your past that makes you unfit, the chances are that you'll be granted custory and he'll have visiting rights. As for him trying to turn the children against you, that'll just go against him in court.

It's cheaper in the long run to get a really good attorney. You'll get eaten alive if you try to go about it without one.

Good luck. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You're in my prayers.

I think you need legal representation and FAST. You can't settle this between you. Even if it was civil, which it sounds as though it is not, you really need legal aid to help you with things. I don't think $500 a month for 3 children would fly in court! I think spousal support is only for those SAHMs/housewives that have been married 10 years or more and only took care of the house and children (never made an income)and need time to get back on her feet and start earning an income. It's very possible you'll only qualify for child support, not spousal support, here in Texas.

Best to follow the legal route and get it all taken care of. It can get nasty, but what he's doing now is certainly not nice, and not getting anywhere.

Document document document everything, and don't say or do anything nasty in retaliation, as he can document too!!!

if he is filing in Texas - let him take you to court. I understand the cost as my daughter is going through one now. But he will have to prove you are an unfit mother (very hard to do) for you not to have planned visitation rights with the kids. Of course this goes both ways, he will have rights as well. But do not sign anything until everything is in writing. Remember to keep a journal - keep any emails that he sends and make copies of the bank statements. Even if it is old. If he is telling the kids things have them tell you and record the conversation. Always be nice your actions count to.

Good luck

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. First thing you need to do is find an attorney immediately. As most have told ya, most attorney's will give you a free consultation but have your questions lined out. Be prepared and go and see more than one attorney. Also, call the attorney generals office sometimes they can help you with an attorney.

Your STBEX is just making threats to get what he wants. Stop listening and talking to him about this. I had to go thru the same thing and just now finishing up on the final touches to get it all done.

I went and finalized my divorced on Feb. 6, 2008. My ex somehow was able to get my divorce voided, which me nor my attorney had ever heard of. I let my attorney handle it and followed his direction and now I am sitting better than I was before. My divorce will AGAIN be finalized any day. The whole arguement was over him getting his way and avoiding child support and paying for health insurance. He even got a lower paying job to avoid paying as much.

At first I didn't listen and would allow his horrible threats to scare me to where I would just give him what ever he wanted but I finally changed that and WOW I felt better. It's going to be ok and you will survive this. Even though he is bad mouthing you don't do the same. Be as honest as you can age appropriate with your kids.

There is also a web site you can go to that will give you support because you will need it. www.marriagebuilders.com

It's not just to re-build a marriage but to provide people going thru difficult situations like yours the support that you need to get thru this. If I can help in anyway, please let me know.

Hi A.,

My advice to you is to get a seasoned divorce attorney NOW as this is going to get nasty no matter what you try to do to be reasonable with him. You need professional, objective help to protect your rights and interests as well as those of your children.

Keep a diary of the things he says he wants, his actions, etc. You may need it as reference. The written word can be stronger than verbal and in this case, may be of help. Call the local Bar Association or get a couple of names of good divorce attorneys from some friends; but do it now.

Hoping this helps you. Best of luck with it!
aly c.

Hi A. - If you have not given up custody of the 2 children then I would definitely not do that. Get an attorney and go for full custody and let the courts decide what type of child support you will get. Unless you have done something pretty major (drugs, been in mental hospitals, been arrested etc..), in Texas Mom's will get custody or at least joint custody of their kids. Especially if you have been a stay at home Mom with them for most of their lives. If you cannot afford an attorney, the state will appoint you one so regardless, you will be able to take him to court. He might decide that he doesn't want to spend the money and not fight it. If you just give up, he can tell your girls that you gave up on them and it will be one thing that he tells them that is correct. Don't let that happen!

Good luck -

K.

My heart breaks for you! Find yourself a good lawyer and fight for your babies. Just becasue he has money or the ability to make money, do not let him control you. He assumes you WILL NOT FIGHT!!!!! Show him what a mother will do for her babies. There are laws to protect him and you with the money. I do not know what the laws are here in Texas,as I am originally in CAlif. and my divorce and child support and custody were handles there, but learn about the laws and fight like mad. If oyu ever need a freind, I know we are strangers, but... I have a good shoulder.

Keep strong,, for you and your babies.
Good luck,

L.

WOW, the only advice I can think of is just keep going thru with the divorce. He sounds horrible. HOw did you do it for so long? Don't worry, the girls will learn for themselves how he is, time has a way of teaching us all. But do remember he is their dad and he will always be part of their lives unless he changes that! Good luck!

Dear A.,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. Since you said he was controlling, it appears that he is trying his best to control this, too. I don't know what the laws are about the length of time you have to live in TX, but our State divides properties, etc. 50%/50%. (At least, that's my understanding.) You can make it on your own if you have to! God will be your provision. He has been ours so many times and is always faithful.

Hang in there and just give your girls all the love you can without stooping to his level. You can explain to them that daddy is hurt right now and this is how he is handling things... but mommy and daddy will always love you. Get yourself a support system (if you don't have a church home, try to find one you like) - one that has a divorce support group.

Hang in there, A.! Our prayers are with you all. You will be alright and so will your girls.

Blessings,
M.

A.,
Call SafePlace. This is abusive behavior. They have services to help you and the children. The advice to get an attorney and to document is valid. Get a notebook, start now. Do not let the kids know about notebook. Do not badmouth Dad. Not just for legal reasons, but because he is the only father they have and they are half him. The words will hurt the children and won't touch him.
You need a family Law attorney not just divorce.
Good luck,
K.

Hi Aimmee,

Sorry for you and your girls to have to go through this! I also had an extremely controlling husband whom I left and divorced when my girls were about that age. I left with nothing! Of course in hindsight, I knew I was entitled to more (possessions) but just wanted to get away from the situation. I am now happily married and my girls are SO much better off because of my decision. Don't get me wrong, it was not an easy road but it was well worth it! My advice would be to trust in the fact that your girls know you love them and care for them and one day they will see what he has done and is doing is wrong. The things he says to them now will only eventually make them grow apart from their dad. My girls are now 18, 16 and 12...although I was bitter about his controlling nature (to say the least!!) I have basically let them form their own opinions and now they make their own decisions regarding going over to visit, etc. Now, as far as child support - I do know in the state of Texas, you are entitled to (I believe) 25-27% of his gross income for 3 children. He will be made to show his tax returns / proof of income from atleast the last 3 years and that is what the monthly payment will be based on, whether he likes it or not. If you are entitled to spousal support - TAKE IT. If you haven't done so already, you should atleast consult with an attorney and make sure you know all of your rights. Don't let him take your kids or keep you from what you have a right to as far as possessions / spousal support. Don't EVER feel sorry for him because he will take it for granted. I wish you all the best, and hope that my post is atleast encouraging! If you need anything else, please let me know.