Moms with Children Who Have Stepmoms

I am the Mom.... My daughter has a stepmom. I love her. We both have other children in our new marriages, and she treats my daughter like her own.
In every situation, do what feels right to you. If you want to hug her, hug her. If you want to tell her how great she is, do it. The Mom will get used to it, and it will become the norm. It might be a little uncomfortable to you in the beginning, but your other option is to make standing back and not being there the norm.
Everything comes easier in time. In the mean time, the more natural you act in a situation, the less uncomfortable the daughter will be.
We include the stepmom in everything that comes with being a Mom - Muffins for Mom at the school, Mother's Day, etc.
The stepmom and I have talked about the many years ago when we met. She said that it was hard to find what exactly her place was. She wanted to be there for our daughter, but did not want me to feel like she was stepping on my toes. She said she was nervous to offend me. Well, she never did. Not once. I was always happy to see that there another person in this world to adore my daughter and love her like I do.

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I got divorced from my first husband when my girls were 1 and 3 - they are now 21 (almost 22) and 20, and he met his now wife when I was pregnant with the younger daughter. So, his wife has been a part of my daughters' lives since they were very young.

Things I did like (or didn't mind) - any kind of praise, affection, or love for my children. No one can get too many hugs or words of praise. Of course, if the daughter is uncomfortable, you shouldn't push, but certainly there are lots of ways to show someone that you are proud of them :)

Things I didn't like - when she tried to tell me how to raise my kids or told me my kids did something bad. I am very sure that they were not angels at their house, but I wanted their dad to tell me - not her.

The other option is to ask the mom directly - I wouldn't have minded one bit and in fact probably would have appreciated it.

Good luck!

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My son's father has a girlfriend. If she wants to love on him and have a close relationship with him, that is totally ok with me. I think the more people he has to love him the better. Unfortunately, some people are not like that. If I were you, I would just love on her the same as when mom's not around. It is so refreshing to hear a stepmom who actually has something nice to say about their step-child. It bothers me when I just read negative negative negative about step-children. I have a step-daughter too, and she's wonderful. It took a bit of work to make it work, but so worth it! Maybe you could talk to her mother? She seems rather distant, so maybe not. She really needs to realize that it is all about her daughter, not how SHE feels. SO frustrating! Good luck with this. : )

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My kids grew up with a step mom. She came to every outing, sports event, plays and drove the kids around. She was very good to my kids and I liked the fact that she really loved them. I did not have to worry about a horrible abusive step mom. She did give out hugs and love in front of me but I do not care. The only thing that ever bothered me is when she introduced herself as my kids mother. That got under my skin, it actually made me crazy. I finally talk to her about saying she is their mom. I then understood it was more of an endearing remark for her to make and I got over it. It took a while to get to the place where everyone was comfortable with all four parents around.
I would just give her a hug and tell her how wonderful she is. Who really can get mad at that. You sound like a wonderful step mom!!

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My mom has been married several times, though my dad didn't, so I didn't have a step mom situation. It sounds like, even though your SD's parents didn't part well, they are being mature for her sake. Perhaps you can have a ladies lunch with the mom and tell her what a great job she's doing in this situation, how much you love and appreciate her daughter, how much you appreciate HER for being a great mom and making things work for her daughter. Ask her what SHE would be comfortable with. You may not be best friends ever, but you might be able to find a comfortable place to be for her daughter's sake, and that's a win/win all around.

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I think one reason your stepdaughter is distant during times like that are because she may not want to appear to "favor" you over her biological mom. I actually did prefer my step mom over bio, but I felt guilty if I showed it in front of her...

I don't think you should have to hold back your happy! After all, you are a parent to her as well! I would let her mom have first dibs on the hug-and-happiness, then when she gets it out a bit you can step forward with yours. After all, your stepdaughter can never have too much love! :)

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I'm a stepmom and I agree that your stepdaughter is probably uncomfortable showing affection to you because she is afraid of offending her mom. I think it's really hard on the kids who want to show love to all of their family but feel loyalty to their bio parents.

I would let Mom have first "dibs" on greetings. Once she's greeted and hugged and said her praise then don't feel bad about stepping up. If your SD looks like she feels uncomfortable then allow her to have physical distance but give her warm praise.

My stepdaughter does not want to hug or kiss me or even says she loves me in front of her mom. I'm okay with that and we usually do our hugs and kisses in the house before she goes out to meet her mom.

I remember my husband was very hurt when he arrived at my SD's birthday party at grandma's and she looked up and said "Hi Dad!" Then when her mom's boyfriend arrived she screamed "XXXXXXX!" and ran up to him. He laughed and picked her up and swung her around. My husband was upset for DAYS!! So I can understand the Bio parent's feelings.

I'm sure there will be plenty of time for you to give her hugs when she doesn't feel awkward. It's probably the hardest for your SD so follow her lead.

It's not easy. Good luck!

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It's too bad because you all obviously love the child. My sister-in-law was in a similar situation. The first wife brought her flowers one day completely surprising her arriving unannounced. They talked in a friendly and civil manner. Then they began a new way of relating friendly and kind between the two 'mothers'. This eased everything considerably for the child.

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I don't have step children but I do like to have friendly relationship with people. This is what I would do.
The next time I would see the step daugher mom. I would tell her that you would like to be friends with her possibly for the step daughter sake?
Tell her something you admire about her..example I think its great how you always to...
Whatever the situation peace and getting along is always better than strife.

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Hello,

What a wonderful way to ask the question! You sound like a compassionate person.

I'm not a stepmom nor do I have a stepmom in my life. So, maybe my answer isn't much good to you.

I was thinking you could create a high five, or bump that becomes just as meaningful to your daughter and you that can be displayed in front of mom. Some sort of stepmom/daughter handshake.

I know with my own daughter there are lots of ways that I show her affection and approval beside a big bear hug. You could even whisper in her ear, how awesome she was. Sometimes I tell my daughter she was Supercalifragilisticexpialidoious - she likes that.

Best of luck!

M.

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Funny you ask this question! I am a stepmom and a mom! My step child is 3 years old. Yesterday we were teaching her to get used to the water and swim with her floaty on. Well she finally quit freaking out and started swimming and doing really well. So my husband decided to video it on his phone and send it to her mom (in North Dakota). Well she did really well swimming to me across the pool and then when she reached me we gave each other a kiss and I said that was AWESOME!! (praise and encouragement! Right?) Well when he sent it to her mom she said, thanks but don't send me naything else with your wife kissing my daughter! FIrst off it's their daughter, but ok! I guess he didn't have to send it.
So, I have no clue what to tell you. I thought we were doing the right thing. I love her, and she loves me and she is only with us a couple months out of the year because of the long distance. (us in louisiana and her is North Dakota) I would just follow your heart and the mom would ahve to get over it! I don't mind my daughter showing affection to her dad's live in girlfriend. As long as the girl loves my daughter and treats her well and takes care of her, that's all I ask! And she does, so that is great! And my husband doesn't mind his exes live in boyfriend to be there for his daughter! I think it is great that there is more loving people for my daughter.

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I really respect that you are being a peaceful person and thinking these things through. I think you should worry more about whtat is best for the daughter than how the mom feels, though. Every kid derserves a hug after a recital.

I am not a stepmom and my kids don't have one, so maybe I'm not qualified to answer ,but I honestly think that if my kids had a step mom, I would want her to love them and be affectionate. I would feel good if I saw outward displays of pride and love as long as it isn't taking the kid away from me or interrupting my time with them.

I am also the type of person who would invite bio-mom out for coffee and have a conversation about it. I am friends with my hubby's exes, though he is not. I have talked about them frankly about jealousy issues (one was his girlfriend while I dated him when we were very young, we've had jealousy issues, but as adults we talked about them and those are conversations I cherish). I would tell her I don't want to step on toes, I adore her daughter and I just wanted to say this because I want her to know that I am trying to be good to her baby and I want to hear her fears and worries, too, so that we can both be great moms.

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I know you were asking for the moms opinion....but I am a stepmom and wanted to share my thoughts.

My stepsons are now 18 and 15 and I have been their stepmom since they were 5 and 2...I have also felt the distance when ever we all gather together. I have always went the route of staying more in the background, but being happy. I always acknowledge and say hi to the boys but never do the hugs or any show of affection while in the presence of their mom...I did once when they were younger and it was very apparent that they were uncomfortable...so never again. Even though my SS are older now, when ever we run into each other and they are with their mom I can still see them stiffen...they just don't know how to act and I don't let it bother me...I know they love me and I know the stress comes from the mom and not from me. For us, the mom very much dislikes my DH and the kids know it...so they feel stress...I try not to add to it! As with you, the mom seems to like me, but isn't ever as open or friendly as I am either...I think this is just the way it goes?! Just last week my youngest stepson and his mom came into the store where I work...they came over and said hi to me and then continued on with their shopping...SS then came back to chat with me some more and I walked thru the store with him talking all the way back to where his mom was and as soon as we got close enough to his mom his whole demeanor changed...I could see it, it was so obvious...I took that as a sign that the "uncomfortable-ness" that he felt was coming from that side of his family and not with me...and I didn't let it hurt my feelings. It is what it is. I think that my SS's feel put on the spot, kind of like they have to choose sides, so I take the choosing away and remove myself as quickly as possible, whenever situation arise!

Being a stepmom is very difficult...my advice would be to do whatever it is that you feel comfortable with...believe me, there will be tons of times you will encounter them together and it never feels any different, its just awkward, plain and simple... this is the case for us at least:)

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I have been a step-mom for 13 yrs now, so this is coming from experience. No my husband and ex didn't end of good terms either but for sake of child have to be civil at all times. CHILDREN NOTICE ALOT MORE THAN YOU THINK!!! It shouldn't matter if the mom is there or not, you go up to the child and hug her and tell her great job at whatever she has done. The mom will have to get used to it and if she's a good mom she'll be glad her daughter has a great step-mom and not a horrible one. Treat her as if she was your own

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Ask your daughter what she wants. I would guess hug and happy since kids need all the love they can get! It's good for them to have supportive and loving adults in their life no matter what the adult relationships.

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I, too, am a step-mom. Luckily, we are on good terms with Mom. My suggestion is you do what is best for your stepdaughter. You show her love and support in everything she does. Her Mom, if she is a mature adult, will appreciate you being good to her little girl. I know my husbands biggest concern with his daughters step-father is that he is good to his daughter - bottom line, that is all that really matters. Be patient and continue to love her like your own. Don't let your feelings get hurt. She is only 7 and has a lot to deal with and I am sure she is doing the best she can. Hug her and love her as much as you can!! Good luck...being step-mom isn't always easy!! but it's worth it :)

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Let the child take the lead and respond naturally. What is obnoxious is when the step mom tries to out do the mom. I was at a Wedding shower where the step mom tried openly to win the bridal shower game of questions about who knew the bride the best! It was really uncomfortable. This was a 26 year old not a 6 year old!
Just be gracious and loving and let the child go to whom she goes to for affirmation first second what have you . Don't go out of your way to prove that you are supportive. Kids know when they are supported , they don't need the awkwardness of the competition. Mom is always mom, no matter what. But I feel like my kids can never be loved too much or too well so I am open to step moms if my ex could keep one.

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For the record, I am not a step-mom, nor do my kids have a step-mom. I love the tone of your question and your concern for your step-daughter and her mom. I think maybe you should talk to your step-daughter about your dilemma and see what she says. This way you find out what's comfortable for her and you also let her know that even if you don't give her a hug after a recital it's not because you're uncomfortable, but out of respect for her relationship with her mom. You can tell her later how great she did. Then the awkwardness will be taken out of the moment (at least for you) because you have a "deal" with your step-daughter on how to act.

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SHOW THE LOVE!! I have been a stepmama to five kids for the last ten years. Their real mom is not my favorite person, but we are civil to each other. My focus is the kids and I do not let her bother me. Of course, after ten years, I have found my comfort zone with this! My suggestion to you is to not feel like you should withhold just because the other mother is there. You are also her mama now and should congratulate, hug or whatever you feel like doing - when you feel like it. Showing your step daughter that you love her and are proud of her, no matter what - is the important thing. It is about the relationship between the two of you. Her mom should feel grateful that her daughter has a stepmom who loves her and wants to see her succeed and is supportive.
It took a few years for my kids mom to realize that and after sticking with it for a decade and proving that I love those kids and do for them just as a mother does.... she now introduces me as the kids other mom. Which is huge! It took me being able to release my frustrations with her as a parent, and not let the emotions between us as adults cause issues that affected the kids. When we are all together for a kid related situation, I am polite, but do not go out of my way to make chit chat or whatever. I just focus on the kids and my husband. I hate to say I dont care, but that is sort of it. I loved the kids in front of her because I didnt care if that upset her. My littlest was 4 and the oldest 10 when I married their dad. And especially with our one daughter (4 boys!), she would have the most dilemma on who to hug and should she hug me or show love in return in front of mom. And like your daughter, ours was very loving when it was just our family, but more standoffish when her mom was around. She is now 17 and we have a good relationship, because she knows I love her and will always without demands.
And depending on the age of the child, they may be confused as to the parameters of who gets the first hug, etc. but it will all sort out as time goes on. Just hang in there, dont take things personally and know that love will conquer all. HUG AND BE HAPPY!!!

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It is not about how the mom feels really, she is an adult and needs to accept that the more love her daughter has in her life the better. Show the love, there is no shame in loving or being loved by more than one mother. It is all about what is best for that child, and when it comes to children, the more people that really love them the better. If the mother takes issue have your husband and he sit down and discuss it.

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I was a step-mom but the birth mother had died. My step-son was 6 when I married his father. He never did want me to hug him but he liked praise.

I adopted my daughter who came to me as a foster child when she was 7. I was with her and her birth mother at least twice/month. I put my arm around her shoulder whenever she was near me. I complimented her and her birth mother whenever it was appropriate. Her birth mother was angry with me at first but gradually she warmed up to me and our meeting went smoothly. Of course it was obvious that she had something to gain by being nice to me. It's not so obvious to some mothers or step-mothers who let their feelings get in the way of what is best for the child. I agree that it is best for the child to have many people love her and show their love. To hold back because the other mother may not like it is begging the question.

I'm glad that you've asked this question and are concerned about what is best for your step-daughter. Talking to the mother is a good idea. You have nothing to lose even if she responds in a cold manner. I also suggest that you talk with your step-daughter. At 6 she is aware of a lot and is probably wondering herself what she should do. She may feel that to hug you would upset her mother. But that isn't necessarily so. Her mother may not mind. She just isn't sure and doesn't want to take a chance. She may also be afraid that you won't want to hug her in front of her birth mother. She is caught in the middle.

My suggestion is to let the mother be the first to hug and congratulate and then to reach out your arms while also praising her and see what happens. She may be just as anxious about your reaction as she is about her mother's and would welcome you making the first move. If she doesn't move into your arms, pat her on the back or on the arm and let her know by your words of praise and your closeness that you love her.

I feel sad when I hear step- mothers say that they don't hug their step children in front of the birth mother. It seems that they're acting on an assumption that may not be true or which could possibly be overcome. Everyone in that situation feels uncomfortable and doesn't know what to do.
My philosophy is to do what seems natural and see what happens. If this were a child of a friend you would hug her. The child is likely to just be standing there waiting to see what happens.

The birth mother's first reaction may be negative but if she doesn't tell you to not do it or her daughter to not let you do it then keep on giving hugs. This may be what needs to happen to break some of that tension. When we hesitate and do not hug we're giving the message that we don't think we have the right to give that hug and we do. As nearly everyone agrees, even many jealous birth mothers, every child benefits from being loved by lots of people.

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First, I would like to say you sound like an amazing, and secure woman and an amazing stepmom. There are very few women in your position who know their place, and accept it. I would take the little girls's lead. If she looks like she is uncomfortable then I would save the hugs for when mom is not around. If she approaches you then I would say she is okay with showing you affection in front of her mom. I can speak from both sides, I was divorced, and was a child of divorce. My mom did not accept the divorce from my dad, so I always felt disloyal to her if I accepted any woman in my fathers life. My mom would ask me questions about them when I would come back from a visit, and I knew deep down she was hurting so I never allowed myself to accept anyone in my dad's life. I think the key here is how the mom is handling this, and the type of dialogue she has with her daughter about you. Someone suggested meeting with her that is a great idea if she is willing and your husband is okay with that. Good luck!!!

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