Any Ideas for an Eight Year Old with a Temper

I also have an 8 year old son who has had episodes of temper tantrums and other expressions of anger since he was very young. On the advice of a good friend, we started counseling when he was about 5 or 6 years old. It was a great experience for me to learn about communication and some parenting tools to deal with his behavior. When he is expressing his anger in a non-socially acceptable way (eg. fits of rage, temper tantrum, etc.), he was sent to his room if we were home or into time out if we were outside of the home. He stayed there until he was able to calm down. Once he was able to calm down he first needed to apologize for his behavior and then we would talk about why he was angry and how he could have expressed it differently, or handled it differently in a socially exceptable way (eg. "Mom I'm really angry because... Can you do this to help me..."). The basic lesson is... it's okay to get angry or to be angry, but it is NOT okay to handle it with a fit of rage or temper tantrum, etc. This has worked really well for us - he has learned to manage his anger. I can't remember when he has had his last problem with anger.

My 8year old son is also a lil' gemini with a temper... my rule of thumb is to calmly remind him not to yell... I will send him to his room untill he calms down and basically talk to him afterward....it's a respect thing, I tell him I treat him with respect by not screaming at him and I expect the same. I wish I had this amazing secret but I don't...we talk about what upsets him and how we need to handle it and when the attitude arises we ground him from tv or his books...we've told him that being in his running club is a privilage and to keep it he has to follow the rules and he knows if he doesn't he'll miss a day and he loves to go. I guess my long winded point is, your son is old enough to understand how to behave and if you want him to act older you have to treat him older. My therory on parenting(not that I am right, just how I feel) kids act the way you permit/teach them to...if you let them run around screaming and jumping on the furniture..they will, if you teach them not to...they won't. Everyone gets angry and loses it once in awhile the trick is trying to lessen it and find that balance...telling them how proud we are of them when they do handle something the right way. The one thing I do stress is apologies...saying your sorry(that goes for me too when I mess up) and teaching them to say, I forgive you...not it's okay...because if they (or I )have to apologize the act was not okay...well even if I didn't help at least you know, you're not alone!

He may just need a bit more quality one on one time from you, and acting up may be his way of getting attention. I would try to plan something once a week for a few hours where it is just you and him, and make sure that he knows that you miss him when you are working and at school, but it's to make a better life for the two of you. Maybe if you even let him help you study in some way, even if it only pretend, it would help him be more sympathetic. An extended family, no matter how caring, is not a replacement for mom. I wish you the best.

If he likes stories try writing some with him that talk about feelings and alternatives to what you can do when you are mad, frustrated,....
don't feed into it, try to ignore and leave him when he acts like that- he can learn that when a person acts that way they do not get your attention and get catered to. he can go to his room...
Look at his diet, how bad is it?
And sounds like he needs professional help- possibly some bi-polar issues?
Good luck, i really feel for you.

Hi J.,
I'm sure it's not easy to be a single mom. I think children may act out to get the parent's attention in that situation more. But I went through same experiences with my 4 children, especially with older kids. I would try to be calm and try not to respond to his emotion because then it'll be so hard to handle the situation. I think calmness and firmness are important. Be calm about his behavior but be firm about your attitude.

K.

My daughter has similar issues. Sending her to her room ro calm down often works but sometimes she needs more help to get herself under control. During a time of calm we discussed stategies that she thought would help. Two that work well for us are
-holding her on my lap with the condition that if she whines, kicks or complains she must get off and go to her room.
- doing the frustrated dance, we face each other, hold hands and do a little dance while making really frustrated faces at each other. She usually ends up laughing.

Also the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (you can check it out on Oprah.com) has a great section on parenting.

Hi more fruits and veggies, less sugar, and a high quality fish oil such as Nordic Naturals or Carlson's.

J.,
I don't have any advice for you. I just want to let you know you are not alone. I have an 8 year old son, who is also a Gemini, and he has a hot temper, and that's putting it lightly. He has been suspended from school several times, and I'm at my wits end. He really can't control himself. My son is genuinely sweet as well. He gets so many "aawwwws" when people see his interaction with his little sisters, but if they only knew.... If someone passes by him and brushes him by mistake, he'll flip. He's also ranks in the top 3 students in his grade academically--So far, his lowest grade was an 89. Go figure. I've taken steps to contact a therapist to start sessions as soon as possible before he gets kicked out of school. I'm not prepared to start homeschooling. You may want to do that as well. See if your insurance plan includes mental health, and go from there. I don't know where you are, but I think there are enough of us to start a support group, if there's not one around you. I still can't find one, and I'm in the Bronx, NY. There is strength in numbers. Good luck.

Are the fits of rage coming up as a response to frustration or are they seemingly random spurts of anger? Sometimes children respond to other feelings with anger. Have their been any recent changes in his life? If so they may be affecting him more than you realize. If you haven't noticed any changes at home maybe ask the teachers.
If it is a response to frustration you can teach him some techniques such as walking away from the situation and then coming back to it, taking deep breaths or counting to ten, taking a walk. Believe it or not children this young can learn and use these techniques.
I hope this is somewhat helpful.

I am with the understanding that young boys have a very hard time when they are limited exposure to some good male figures in their life. Do you have any brother's, your father around that could spend some quality time with him? There are Big Brother's programs around, and these people are screened.

I think some regular one-on-one male contacts would be good. I would try to select a family member that does not have a temper problem.

Could it be too early to tell your son, that when he expresses himself by rage, that no one can tell what the problem is unless he can tell you? Try to encourage him to tell you why he is mad. This is something I think we all have to learn and not just vent.

Hi J.,
Gemini's, I don't envy you. I have three nieces that are Gemini's and two of the three are tyrants. One is now 32 and the other is 18. They are so hot and cold with their temper it amazes me. My one niece that is a gemini is so even tempered. As far as your son goes with his temper I would suggest not letting it go. I think that some type of behavior modification or time out is necessary. My 32 ear old niece has calmed down but if you get her on the wrong side then there's a problem. My 17 year old niece on the other hand has always been a worldwind. As she's gotten older I feel she's out of control. She can be the sweetest nicest girl but if something isn't her way she flips out. I feel that a lot of that is due to my sister's letting alot of her temper ride. From the time she was a toddler this behavior was evident. Now that she is 17 she says and does whatever she wants not considering who she hurts or insults. I don't know what can be done for her now but I think with her behavior she is her own worse enemy and it's not easy for her either. She is the youngest of 6 children and has been spoiled by all. So, my thought is not to let the bad temper go without some sort of consequence. Also,
I think you need to address this with him that he has to learn to control himself when he is angry. By having tyrants it helps no one least of all him. You could also talk to his peditrician about it and see what he/she suggests.
Good luck, D. S

Hi J.,

First of all find out why he is so upset, ask him. Next let him know that his fits of rage are not acceptable. You are the adult and should be in control. For some reason he has taken that control away and is using it against you. I am a firm believer in "spare the rod, spoil the child". I don't think that means to beat them but you have to let them know who is in control and who the boss is. My daughter was starting to lose control of her two children. She didn't know what to do. I mentioned the fact that the childen need a parent not a best friend. They can be best friends when the children are adults, like my daughter and me are now. It was like a light bulb went off in her head and she did gain control over the children before it got out of hand. When I say control, I guess it's more of a respect thing. The children respect her authority as a parent. God Bless, J.