My 2 1/2 Year Old and over the Top Tempertantrums

Dear M.,

I am so sorry that you had to put up with that idiot woman. I had something like that happen to me when my almost two year old was screaming during a haircut. I have to say that I truly believe that all that woman wanted was for you to do something to make herself happy - keep your child quiet. She doesn't care one bit that consoling your daughter or giving into her demands will just continue the tantrums.

Sometimes I'd let my kids' tantrums run their course in public, but most of the time I'd just drop whatever I was doing (including leaving a cart full of food before finishing shopping) and pick my child up and take him to the car. I would buckle him up (though sometimes it was hard if he was kicking) and just stand outside of the car ignoring him while he had the rest of the tantrum. I would not drive him until the tantrum was over. That doesn't mean the tantrum didn't hurt me - it did - witnessing your child do this can be just awful. But it's also part of some children's temperment, so it's just going to happen, including all the snot and even breath-holding. However, if I was embarrassed because others were watching so that I would pay attention to my child or give into his demands, then I would have just been teaching him that he can get what he wants by having more, and bigger tantrums. I truly believe that this phase will finish out faster if you give her no discernable attention (that doesn't mean you aren't really paying attention, but you are just pretending not to.) Never let her have her way, especially if she is demanding you buy her something from the store.

If you can make your trips with your child to the store more brief, or do your shopping when you have her in daycare or with a baby sitter until she gets older, it will help you not have to deal with these awful people who don't mind their business and think that only their way of thinking is right. Sometimes not taking a child places until they are older is just something that's best. At home you can control things better, including deciding where in your house she has to stay during a tantrum, while unobtrusively monitoring her without her knowledge. If you decide to try this method, don't waffle back and forth - that just gives her the attention she wants. She'll continue the tantrums until she really can understand that she is only hurting herself and not getting her way at all, including getting to be with her mommy. Hang in there, be consistent, and don't let her see you upset. She wants to take control, but you're the mommy - don't let her use a tantrum to get control.

There is a book you might get for her called "The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies". Reading this book to her, along with the great pictures of just what the little girl looks like when she's having an ugly tantrum in public - it might help.

If you read through the posts, you'll see you aren't alone. There are kids who go through tantrum phases at different times during their development, not just 2 1/2 year olds.
Good luck, and don't despair - this too shall pass!

All my best,
D.

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I have a very spirited 21 month old daughter. She goes from one extreme emotion to another in a heartbeat! After I read the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (here is her site: http://www.aldort.com/) 99% of the time we no longer have issues with tantrums at all. Children throw fits because they are so frustrated, they feel powerless. What adults assume is that children are trying to control them and get what they want, but that's not really the case. As long as you pay attention to what your child is feeling, what's happening in the moment, and put yourself in her shoes, then it's easy to head off tantrums before they start. You don't have to give in to what they want, just acknowledge how they are feeling in the situation. If she wants a toy that you can't buy, then say "You really like that toy, don't you? It does look like a lot of fun. You seem pretty sad that we can't take it home." Or something along those lines...listen to what they say about the toy or watch their body language and acknowledge how they are feeling. That way the child doesn't have to scream in frustration, instead they know you understand how they feel and they know they are safe to express whatever emotions they are feeling. Instead of a power struggle, you are on their side. Sometimes they still need to scream to release emotions, but you should support them through it and not punish or ignore. The more you punish a child or ignore their tantrums, the worse things get. Either the child has to throw more tantrums, more often, because they are continually frustrated that you aren't understanding what they are trying to express, or you teach them it's not ok to express themselves and they repress their frustration, and later it turns to anger and aggression.

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Hi M.,
I can't resist responding to your request for help. Let me begin by saying please don't be overly offended with me, I just want you to see another point of view...My children are 11,8, & 6-2 girls, 1 son. My oldest daughter could throw a big one and still tries on occasion. So, I've been there-done that so to speak. I believe that God gives Moms grace to handle each and every stage of parenting life. But, as your children grow out of a certain stage you kind of forget how annoying the stage was, until you see someone else dealing with it. Thus, the public tantrum. The "busy body" in question I'm sure was an annoyed woman who really wanted to help you, just not really knowing how opened her mouth, and inserted her foot. I encourage you to be aware that when your daughter is throwing a fit in public-as annoying as it is for you, it is a hundred times more annoying for everyone else around you. It seems that a child's screaming is magnified a thousand times and is extremely nerve wracking! Although for you, it's just a fact of life at the moment. Point being, when you allow your daughter to throw a fit in a public place, it becomes the "affair's" of those around you. Therefore, when she begins to throw a fit-no matter where you are, if you are not going to follow through with some form of discipline, remove her from the area. If that means leaving your cart, and going to your car-so be it. This is the only way to not encounter the words/stares/whispers from others. As far as your own feelings concerning the "fits"...By your own admission you don't want to be the parent who is having the "who's in control" struggle, but that's all a fit is about. She is asserting her authority over yours and is more determined to "win" than you are. Imagine with me if you will, when she is 13 and wants to go to a friend's house where you know that there is underage drinking and boys there, and the kids are allowed to do whatever, whenever...You say "no", she says "yes"-what is this? A who's gonna win struggle. The choice is yours mom-you are right, if you don't "win" now, you will never "win" when she's older. Think about it.
God bless you, and give you wisdom and strength to do what is right.

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I read about a technique to use when kids have temper tantrums and have used it with my kids. Usually it works like magic. What you do is repeat back to them (with the same intensity/tone of voice that they are using) what is upsetting them. So, if they are having a temper tantrum over, say, the TV being turned off, you get down on their level (don't shout from up high) and look at them directly, and shout "you don't want mama to turn off the TV. No, you want to keep watching TV. You want mama to turn the TV back on." etc After a little while, they calm down and then you can explain in a kind, regular tone of voice, "I know you want the TV to be turned on, but I can't turn it on right now. Right now, we have to go and eat dinner." Anyway, hope you get the idea. Sounds ridiculous, but I hope you'll give it a try. It has worked for me almost every time. The child just wants to be heard and acknowledged. After they know you understand what's upsetting them, they usually will calm down. If not, with my kids at least, it usually means something else is going on, like they are just exhausted and need to sleep or they are hungry and need to eat. Good luck!!

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I'm so sorry to hear about that woman making you feel bad. she had no right to say anything like that to you. she's probably jsut a nosy busy body that doesn't ahve anything better to do. you did the right thing by not stooping to her low class level. when my daughter throws a temper tantrum at home, i put her in time out either on the couch or in her room and just explain to her that when she's ready to clam down and be nice again, then she can get up...sometimes it takes 1 or 2 minutes and sometimes it takes 5 or 6 minutes. either way it works. as far as out in public, the best thing to do is jsut leave. pick her up and go to the car and let her have her fit. once she's calmed down, then you can resume you shopping. what triggers her tantrums? tiredness, hunger, not getting her way. the best way to avoid a tantrum is to aviod the trigger. wait till she's eaten and had a good nap before going out. explain what is expected of her before you leave the house. and "giving in" sometimes is ok, if it means keeping the peace...as long as it's not all the time.

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Hi M.,

First let me start by offering you hugs. I think it's safe to assume that we've all been there, done that. Even the gawkers(with children) in Target have experienced a tantrum at one time in their life.

I agree that a tantrum is a child's way of expressing their frustration. I think it's important to pay close attention to what was going on prior to the tantrum....Ask yourself if it was it close to snack, lunch, or her nap? Was she upset that she couldn't get something? I am a firm believer in allowing children to express themselves...I once read that a child that tantrums with you means they feel comfortable enough to express their feelings openly and we should feel honored. It's hard to feel honored especially when we're in public and we have an audience though. ;)

Here are some things I have always found to be helpful with my children:
* Try to take care of errands early in the morning, or at a time when your children are their best.
* Pack a healthy snack just in case the errands take longer than anticipated.
* Try to avoid errands close to lunch or nap time.
* Offer your daughter a tablet and pencil or pen so she can show you how "angry or frustrated" she is. She can scribble all over the paper and you can talk about it.
* Sometimes it's helpful to totally remove yourself from the situation (ie, leave the store, sit in the car,) until the tantrum subsides.
* As hard as it is, offer plenty of hugs and love to your little one. Yes, she was upset, you can talk about it, explain in her terms how she can act and teach her....let her know you love her. It's as hard on her as it is on you.

Hang in there. You did the right thing, especially by not giving into her tantrum. One thing I always remind myself of is that when I'm upset, I like to have a friend or loved one that I can talk to. It always makes me feel better.

Hugs again,
J.

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We used the 123 Magic! system, you can find a copy of the book at your library, its a short easy read. It does work, but you have to be consistent and show her that when you start counting there will a consequence at the end if you reach three. We tell my three year old "If we get to three this is what will happen". It took a few times for it to set in, but now I hardly ever make it to three.

And also, is it possible she is getting her molars? I know when my daughter was cutting her molars everything was worthy of a tantrum.

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Honestly I believe that every child has his or her own method and needs in situations like these. My oldest needs time by himself to get it out. My youngest will likely need comfort and a firm talking to. My niece responds best to guilt (which sounds awful but I mean things like telling them it is not appropriate to behave that way and there is a proper way to express ourselves when we are upset. It is disappointing to see her throwing a tantrum. Say that to her and she immediately stops.) You know your baby best. Instead of trying the methods that have been suggested to you, and since you have obviously looked around and tried things you saw, think about your child, her personality, and what you are comfortable with in punishment. I am sure you can find something that will work that is unique to your daughter. If you need any help brainstorming ideas or getting started, feel free to message me. Best of luck!

Oh, and as to the in public problem, I know that sometimes you don't have the option of leaving the cart and taking them to the car. I walk most everywhere, so I certainly don't. I think you handled it very well and know that in the world there are never two parents who agree on how to raise a child. I do disagree that for other people a tantrum is more annoying than it is for you. For you it is embarrassing, annoying, and frustrating. For everyone else it is just a noise disturbance in their day. So, yes, the woman was a busy body and you should in no way feel guilty for how you handled it. We can't always plan everything around our child's schedule. Especially as a single mother. You have to get things done and that's just how it is. I believe most other people will realize that and no one will think twice about you and your child and her tantrum in the store after they get home. Really, you did your best, and that is all ANYONE can ask of you.

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Hi M.,

Recommended reading, "The strong willed child"

The technique that worked for me, was sitting on the floor, putting my child on my lap,putting my legs over his legs, wrapping my arms around his body, pinning his arms down, and holding him close, and rocking until the meltdown passed.

Obviously you will need to do this at home. But the results are amazing! It's basically "swaddling" for older kids.

When I had to do this, I never let my son get me mad. He would thrash, scream, cry etc but I would stay calm and tell him that when he calmed down, I would let him go. Eventually, the tantrum would pass, and it would just be me holding him in a hug while he was exhausted.

It became such a usual tool for me that later on if we were in public, I could just have to put my arm around him and tell him to calm down if I saw that he was getting worked up.

I have even noticed that now, at 15, in times of distress, putting a hand on his shoulder or an arm around him seems to help.

Just a thought,

Good Luck,

B.

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Our number 1 house rule is that You NEVER get what you want when you throw a tantrum (not even when you calm down!). If you give in once, she will only throw a worse tantrum next time. Next time it happens out in public, head to the restroom and let her throw her tantrum in there. Target usually has a "family" restroom that is large and only has 1 toilet. You will have privacy there. Good luck.

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I recommend the book "Dare to Disicpline" by Dr. James Dobson. It gives excellent advice on how to handle any number of difficult situations with children of any age. Good luck

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Gramma here. When my kids (or grandchildren) started to have a tantrum, we left the store. I then did one of two things. I ignored them and let them scream and kick - and NEVER gave them what they wanted, or I held them tightly to me in a hug until they were cried/screamed out. In both cases, I consoled them, did not give in to what they wanted, and assured them I loved them. This rarely happened with any of them (my oldest was the original strong-willed child) and I was careful not to take them out in public when they were tired and cranky. Spanking does not help at that age, by the way, and I reserved that (and still do) to associate a specific action with pain, like trying to touch the stove or an electrical outlet. It worked with mine and works with the current generation as well. And don't worry about leaving the cart full of stuff. You and that precious child are what matters. Other shoppers don't want screamer, and I have noticed that most of the kids that are need to go home and take a nap.

M.,

Chemicals in foods can cause excessive anger. Take a long, thorough look at www.feingold.org to learn more. Wishing you peace & happinesss.

L. B.

Those wonderful 2's!!! They would try the patients of the most patient person. First you need to know this is what they are supposed to be doing. She is learning how to control her emotions and it is hard. When you put her in time out, do you wait until she calms down before you start the 2 minute timer? She needs to be completely calm before her time starts. Maybe put her in her room until she calms down...you don't have to shut the door. Just make sure she knows that she has to stay there until she calms down.

So many responses! You've obviously touched a nerve with all of us moms and grandmas! This is something so many of us (if not all of us) have dealt with. Although that woman's remark really does make it worse and harder to swallow. I agree with so many people here. I just want to say that when my daughter first started spiking tantrums around 20 months, I also thought I'd ignore it and ride it out - no attention, etc. Then one day I realized that was kind of crazy (and the tantrums had continued to escalate). We DO have to be considerate of others - and our children can learn that from us. Being in public is special and other's needs must be considered as well as our own. Me respecting others by removing my child is the first step to my daughter acting respectfully to others. So, in my family it's a no-tolerate issue. If she starts up, I calmly pick her up and carry her outside to the car. When she's finished, we head back inside to try the shopping again. Once I started that, the tantrums in public went down to zilch (we still get them at home from time to time - she's still just 2 1/2!). And I think it's helped both our sanities because a reasonable boundary has been set. I'm all for getting down on their level, letting them feel what they need to feel, help them express their frustration, etc. but it's also important to show them that when they lose control, they need to go be in private and no longer stay in the company of others, be that a store or a party. Removing my child normally sucks the fire right out of her tantrum.

i would pick her up, take her to the car, and let her have at it. chances are if you don't react too much, she will stop, seeing that she is not getting a reaction, negative or positive.
people are far too nosy these days. i do not agree with the idea of "comforting" a child for bad behaviour, or worse rewarding them to comfort them, which is what some people do. those are the kids that wind up growing up with NO respect for their fellow humans.
good luck with this. ;>)

M.,
i agree with Dawn. My daughter is 5 now and just starting seeing a Psychiatrist due to problems at school, found out she has ADHD. She just told me about 123 Magic. However, before I found this out. I did the same thing as Dawn. Just remove her from the situtation is ususally the best thing that you can do. Luike she had said doesn't matter if you have a cart full of stuff you just pick up your personal items and daughter and walk out. Let her know before it escalates that you will just leave. The main thing is consistency. Also, 123 magic does work. It really just depends on what you are more comfortable using. You can look up 123 magic at http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/123_Magic or the site for the book http://www.parentmagic.com/. i hope this helps.
A.

First of all, you did the right thing by telling the woman to mind her own business. The only way you are "abusing" your child is if she is causing herself harm by hitting her head on the floor. Otherwise, you did right by letting her throw her tantrum. At this age, there isn't much you can do except leave the store and all your purchases behind when she throws her tantrums; come back at a later time. My 5 year old threw a tantrum in Walmart last Christmas, I took him outside and left my husband with my other son in the store and let my 5 year old cry it out inside the car with me standing outside waiting for him to calm down. He didn't cry for long. He wiped his face and said "mommy I'm done now". I opened the door and calmly explained to him why we left the store. He has not thrown a tantrum in the store since; can't say same for home. I would do this with your daughter; she may not understand now, so say something like "oooh your soo mad!! I can see you're mad, but you cannot have that right now." I tell both my children when they say they want something "We're not here for that" instead of "no" and they completely understand, even my 3 year old.
For right now, I would just leave the store if you dont' want the attention from other shoppers. Try going after her nap or right after breakfast, to reduce the risk of tantrums due to sleepiness. Bring a small toy or buy a cheap one to keep her entertained while you shop; that works for my boys when we're at the mall and Target. I hope this works for you! Good luck!
E.

you did the right thing, just let her get it all out and then continue your shopping, lunch or what ever was interrupted. if someone tells you that you need to do something, just say "thank you for the advice, but i think we are doing just fine." my daughter had a 10 min tantrum in Kroger one time, on the floor. a woman told me that if i couldn't control my child, i shouldn't have one. i was horrified that someone would say that, but when my daughter was done, she was fine. we finished our shopping and she was in a great mood for the rest of the day. im not sure that it is always a control issue at this age, sometimes it is just the only way they can think to relieve a little stress or express there frustrations. hang in there though, my daughter is now five, and the tantrums have really cut down to almost nothing.

Call Project Enlightenment offered by Wake County. They are AWESOME and helped us get through the tantrums. They have a free talkline you can call, and classes to take. The one called "Positive Discipline" changed our lives.

###-###-#### talk line

###-###-#### classes

I have 2 and 3 year old children. When they misbehave and shriek, etc. in public, I remove them from wherever we are and discipline them that way. This makes sure that they are not publicly humiliated and does not disturb other people who may be trying to enjoy dinner, shop, etc.

I actually like that someone stepped up to try to help you with your children. Many a person has been able to briefly distract my children enough so that the outrageous behavior stopped. Things that happen in public are public.

Of course, you have to be able to take your child out. They have to learn how to behave in public. I have found that if I explain what I expect and the reward for giving me what I expect can work wonders.

Good luck.

You did the right thing. My daughter had horrible tantrums at 2 1/2 which would last for up to 20 minutes. The pediatrician said to make sure she was in a safe place where she would not hurt herself and let her work through it herself. I was always nearby and it was hard not to 'cave it' or otherwise 'reward' the behavior. What did help was enrolling her in ballet. She began to go to her room when she was frustrated, turn on her music, and dance when she became frustrated.

At age three we began using behavior charts with allowance. We now use (age 5) 'chore charts' with four catagories 1) taking care of yourself, 2) taking care of your things, 3) helping around the house, 3) respect for others. She gets 50 cents for each catagory completed succesfully during the week and a bonus of 50 cents if she has checks (not minuses) in all four catagories. So she can make $2.50 per week to buy what she wants a Target. She has learned to save her allowance for 'big' purchases. At 2 1/2 she could not grasp the concept of allowance or responsibility so, like you, we just had to endure until her reasoning developed.

M.,
I totally agree with you. Unless your daughter's safety was in jeopardy, that busybody should have kept walking. At least you weren't like some moms I've seen smacking their kids in the back of the head and whacking them uncontrollably. My son was like how you described...like he was possessed or something! When they get to that point, sometimes just getting down to their level and holding them tight will help. If you have to, sit on the floor (for better balance), hug her snuggly making sure to pin her arms so she doesn't pop you in her rage. You can whisper CALMLY into her ear or sing her favorite lullaby to soothe her. Ask if she feels better and move on. At that point, you forget it and don't bring it up again. Remember positive reinforcement always helps, too! Let her know when she's behaving well and you'll both be fine. Hope this helps! God bless.

I know this is not appropriate for a 2-1/2 yr old, but I'm posting it in case it can help someone else.
My daughter (now a delightful adult) also had terrible tantrums which became less numerous as she got older but more intense when they did happen--she would just get hysterical and carry on for 15 minutes or more. After one particularly awful tantrum at home, when she was about 6, when she didn't get her way in some matter, I called my mother in tears. My mother suggested audio taping the next one. I prepared my tape recorder so I could be ready at a moment's notice, and taped the next one. I then played the tape back for my daughter hours later after she had calmed down. She was astonished, couldn't believe it was herself she was hearing. That was the last tantrum. I will say that these tantrums always seemed to happen later in the day when she was very tired, but there also seemed to be an element of purpose in them when she didn't get her way - when she was tired it didn't take much to set her off - but the tape recording was like magic.

Best wishes.

I have a simple line that I used when my kids tried to throw a temper tantrum "let me know when you are done". It tells them that you don't care if you throw a temper tantrum! Kind of takes the "fun" out of it for the kid. My daughter tried it in David's Bridal b/c she wanted to go to Chucky Cheese at 2 1/2. I said let me know when you are done. I grabbed a catalog and sat on the floor. After a couple of minutes, several stares from Brides to Be and Bridal Consultants. She stopped, got up, wipped her face. I asked her if she was done she said yes. She never had another tantrum again. My son tried it at the same age. I did the same thing and it worked! You can also tell her about, "Good behavior gets good rewards and poor behavior gets you nothing!"

P.S. You did the right thing in the store. Her kids were probably brats!

Would love to know what other people give as advice - I am currently seeking a discipline plan that works for my 2 year old son who is...shall we say....strong-willed. You're not alone!

Every parent has experienced temper tantrums, so you are not alone. You are not a bad parent, it's just a part of growing up. 2-1/2 yr olds have not learned how to cope with no very well yet, so she has to learn.

But, she does not have to learn at the expense or sanity of those around you. My son threw a couple of temper tantrums in stores, each time I left whatever I was there to buy, picked up my screaming, kicking child, planted a big smile on my face and left the store. He's my child, I have to put up with it, others should not have to.

Leaving immediately serves two purposes, removes you and the child from a public place, where you are disturing others or they will disturb you, by giving you advice or suggestions, or worse. The second purpose is to instill in the child that this kind of behavior will get him nothing, and he will be removed from that which he might find new and interesting. Throw a tantrum at a store? You immediately go home. Throw a tantrumm at a party, you immediately go home. She'll catch on pretty quick. It took only twice for my son and he was two also.

I kept my son on a harness and leash when I took him in public, for his safety as he was fearless. Once standing in the grocery line I heard a woman commenting on how 'she treats her child like a dog'. I turned around and responded, oh, this is nothing, at home he has a chock chain and a muzzle. If you see a child being abused or neglected, it is your responsibility to report it. If you see a child that looks healthy, bright, well fed, decent clothes, alert and reasonably happy, for a 2 yr old, then mind your own business.

So, temper tantrums are not that bad, it's not a reflection on you as a parent, all kids have temper tantrums, and some adults too. Allow them to work through it without punishing, scolding or giving in. Be there, but don't interfer unless they require a hug or cuddle. If the tantrum is thrown in a public place, be considerate and don't stay there and allow the child to disturb others, remove the child, reinforcing tantrums do not get rewarded. After the child has calmed down, talk to them about it, even at two. I'm sorry we had to leave the store but you were out of control and I didn't want you getting injured or disturbing others. Maybe we can try to go to the store again another time when you are not so tired, etc. Don't scold, speak pleasantly. I'm sorry your shopping experience ended, I know you were looking forward to it. Perhaps next time it will be better. XO