Am I Too Sensitive or Was This Comment Just Rude???

That is a hard situation. But I would try really hard when she makes a rude comment, to take a deep breath and say something like "That comment is inappropriate, although you may not intend it to be, please be mindful of others." And remain calm.

You are completely over reacting in my opinion. You need to learn to laugh and correct. And let it go. The first comment you should have been able to laugh and say, "She does look big in the wagon. Isn't it funny how big kids love little kids' toys?" And the second comment just needed correction. "She does love getting clothes, but she has so many friends from school she would definitely play with the dolls a lot." These two examples feel like you are looking for offense. You have a sister who goes to play in the park with you. You have a sister who buys gifts for your child that she has put thought into. Be grateful for what you have and quit being so sensitive.
VickiS

Yup, pretty rude, and yup, you're too sensitive.

Your sister's comments can really only hurt you if you allow it. It's the most surprising discovery I ever made, particularly about my sensitivity to my mother's comments. Now that I've figured that out, she can tell me the most outrageous things (and she does), and they slide right off. I wish the same for you.

Incidentally, if you can learn to just look at your sister as if you didn't hear, or didn't mind, what she just said, she may give up saying it, eventually. She won't get whatever payoff she's after. (Unless she's just one of those clueless "blurters" who have to say every thought that passes through their grey matter – some folks just can't help themselves.)

I am the younger, more tactless sister and have to admit that I've made a joke or two that people have found offensive or a little over the top. The crack about your DD on the wagon would probably have cracked me up - and I have a special needs relative. But this same sense of humor is what has helped my children adjust to the harshness of life, and what helps my special needs nephew who is a dream of a child cope with life (for example, recently, we were playing make believe and he had all these sounds effects and his make believe superhero saved the day. So I asked him how come he had so much technology at his disposal and he said "that's just the way I roll." It's funny because for a 6 yr old his wheelchair is fairly high tech and that really is just the way he rolls). LOL!

Anyway, to come back to your question, maybe you do need to lighten up a little. Life is way to short to take everything so seriously and have everything be a deal breaker. While I can be a little blunt, I do prefer to be blunt and have the difficult conversations so we can move past it and get to the good stuff. But you also need to be willing to let some of that stuff go. Maybe your sister needs to change her way and watch her words, but how perfect are you?

I don't know, if you can't be who you are and say whatever pops into your head with your own SISTER, than what's the point of family?

I've got three sisters, we're a little older than you two (44-54), all four of us are dramatically different people, we all have very diferent views, lifestyles, parenting philosophies. We;ve achieved a comfort level together. It's a choice all of us make to not get all pissed off about something the other one says.

The only way for YOU to achieve a 'peaceful holiday' is to make that choice as well. You cannot control another person (not even your sister) you can only control your own REACTION to her. We choose peace!

:)

Comments like that are rude, and are certainly meant to sting. The excuse that she doesn't have a "filter" or that she is just telling the truth is just covering up the fact that she enjoys giving jabs to you for whatever reason.

If you still want to hang with your sister, you could do what Ms. Manners suggests. After rude comment you just look her in the face and calmly say "what would make you say such a hurtful thing?" You don't get rude back, you don't get upset, you just call her out on it.

Chances are she will stutter and either apologize or accuse you of having thin skin. At this point you end the communication with a "I'm sorry, I have to be leaving now. Let's get together again another time." Then you calmly leave.

You're not giving her the satisfaction of upsetting you or making you feel "small." Her remark loses it's potency, and you don't have to hang with someone who is making you feel like a lesser person!

I think she is trying to build herself up by tearing you down. And she is trying to justify her actions (possibly getting pregnant quickly, by accident) by questioning your decision to give it some thought. (You say your "oldest child" so I assume you DO have another, younger child?)

Perhaps SHE is uncertain about having kids close in age or being able to handle another child.

She sounds jealous to me. I'll just bet she envies your life.

She's your sister and you best know how to respond. And how she will react. Think it through. I probably couldn't keep my mouth shut over the doll comments though.

I don't think your sister said these things maliciously. I get the feeling that, as you maybe thought, that she has less of a filter than other people do. I have myself made comments more than once that I thought would be funny and once they came out...I realized they weren't. Or sometimes much later I realized that what I said could have been taken in a way other than what I intended.

Your sister also sounds a little bit like my best friend. She can be very negative, and talks like she is an expert on all matters. I finally had enough one day and told her that she seemed to feel the need to disagree with me on everything I said - if the sky was blue, she'd say it was orange - and I asked her if she realized it and why this was going on. She had no idea she'd been doing it (she was mimicing attitudes passed on from her abusive dad), and is working on thinking before she speaks now.

In the end though her good qualities outweigh her negative qualities - she comes through when I need her. The same can be said for my sister, even though we had periods in the past of barely speaking because she was so critical of me and my choices, at a time when I really needed her she was there for me and we are closer than ever.

I'd try to have a gentle, non-accusing chat with her - she may not realize she's hurting you and/or may be confused at how you interpreted what she sees as innocent statements - and try to salvage the relationship, especially as she's your closest family.

I am responding before I read your other answers because I dont want then to skew what I am going to say.

I think you are being a little sensitive, I agree that some of the things she has said were inapropriate but some people are just that way. I myself am a sarcastic person. This is oviously part of her personality/humor and she probably doesnt mean anything by it. Which is why she doesnt understand why you get upset.

Shes your sister and youve know her forever, so you of all people should under stand her odd personality.

Sometimes we can let ourselves get so over worked on situations that all the little things people do seem like big things to us.

It sounds to me like you truley havent been able to forgive her for the past and until you can let thing go its going to be hard for you to move forward.

Please try to forgive and move on, family is so important and sometimes its all you will have. Good Luck

Hi,

Honestly, I think you are over-reacting a little bit. The reason you feel so angry about it is because it has escalated into a much bigger issue then it was to begin with. I would talk with your sister and just tell her that you have some things you need to discuss. You need her to listen and not give any feedback. If she wants to give feedback, it needs to be during another conversation. Tell her how you feel. That sometimes her comments come across rude and insensitive. You can't help who you are and she can't help who she is-- but you both can strive to be better people. She really shouldn't have joked about special needs---that is never funny and never will be. As for your child having other siblings, she sounds like she really doesn't think before she says anything and she was in a thought process and it came out that way--she should have just said-great, I will get her clothes and nothing about the dolls or having no one to play with, collecting dust etc. When you talk to her, ask her to try to be more sensitive to your feelings and if she doesn't have something positive to say about your child, don't say anything! As for you, tell her that you will try to remember you two are different people and she has a more forward personality and that you will try and not let every comment effect you. Give eachother a big hug and move on....have a great holiday!

Don't let any more issues go on for this long--if something offends you--tell her right then and nip it in the bud then. It may be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it because you won't have to worry about a little problem becoming a big problem.

Molly

I would agree that you may have over-reacted with these individual comments but from your post I get that these were just two of MANY comments that happen on a regular basis. Because this is a constant issue with your sister, maybe you can have a chat with her (when things are good and she hasn't just ticked you off).

Tell her that you are so glad your relationship is so much better these days and you don't want to argue. Tell her that you acknowledge that her and mom may be right about you needing a thicker skin but you ARE often hurt by some of her off-handed remarks especially regarding your daughter. Acknolwedge that she may not mean it to be hurtful but that is how you feel. Ask her if she would please try to choose her words a bit more carefully or at least filter before she speaks.

Have you considered getting into a women's support group?
Or possibly giving yourself the GIFT of some sessions with a therapist?

You appear to recognize that your sister says some things
not with malice but just off the top of her head, in the moment.

You also indicate that you feel like telling her to SHUT UP sometimes
but you choose not to.

So, as should be pretty clear, you each have a very different way
of communicating, of deciding what to say and how to say it.

She speaks freely, sometimes without thinking.
And you repress your tendencies to say what you think.

Whether each of you came by these characteristics naturally,
or perhaps, were socialized this way by your mom,
you're are, actually, speaking totally different languages.

So, perhaps consider that instead of hearing your sister's words
as if they were carefully considered and spoken with intention,
that they are spoken in a foreign language that you don't understand.
e.g., she is speaking in Portuguese and it sounds kinda like the Spanish
or Italian that you speak but not quite. Something is different.

Don't let this difference between you mess up your enjoyment of your holiday with your family. And give your DD a hug for me, please.

I have a special needs child and her comment was rude and uncalled for. and I'm an only child as well and I didn't sit in my room by myself simply because I didn't have siblings. She clearly has underlying issues with you and uses any opportunity to say something nasty to you. It may be time to realize (I did when I turned 40) that you don't have to waste your life on people and things that don't make you happy. Limit your visits to holidays and conversations to once a month or so. Really you souldn't feel obigated to be around someone who clearly doesn't like you. Even tho she is "family", it may not be worth it. Good luck to you!!

You are over reacting. She's your sister. NOW, if it was someone else, not a relative, making those comments that would upset me.

It is time to slowly rebuke these type of comments. My brother is famous for these types of things. He tries to be funny, but it doesn't come out this way. I say something like...that is not funny it is hurtful. We are adults and we just need to disagree on how many kids we want and spacing. This is what "I" want. I dont get angry, I don't change my tone, just state matter of factly how you feel about whatever comment she has made. She might retalitate, but just say that is your feelings about whatever statement she has made. Don't make a production or a big deal to start a fight. Be sweet and say this is my opinion...

I think you are both right. Your sister is definitely being rude, and insensitive, but I do think you have overreacted and allowed yourself to get much more upset and take these comments much more personally than they were intended. I can understand though how many small comments can become a bigger deal when it's a constant thing. I think sometimes we are less tolerant of family and react stronger to them than we do friends. Also, I think we are much less considerate of family and say things we would never say to anyone else. So there's probably some of that going on too. I don't really have any advice for you, but even though your sister could be more polite, I do think you overreact some as well.

She sounds a bit like my sister. My mom told me that my sister was always jealous of me, for no reason she could ever figure out. So when my sister hurts my feelings, it's because she is feeling insecure and wants me to feel lower so she can feel higher. I hope that made sense.

I have a friend who really needs to get a thicker skin. The things she's hurt by are ridiculous. She's always telling me how someone worded something the wrong way, or someone didn't say something when she thought they should have. I hurt her a few times because I was actually trying to be polite. She emailed me some photos that she took, saying how she just loved them and weren't they great? Well, they weren't. Once, I said what I loved about the photo, but suggested she needed more contrast. She flipped out. So the next time, sort of didn't say anything. You know, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all? She still flipped out. "You didn't say you loved my photo. Why? Do you hate my photo? YOu're just like my mom. She can't tell me that my photos are good. I can't believe...."

You get the picture.

What your sister says isn't the same thing. She actually says something hurtful, so why should you have to shrug it off?

Without being there and hearing the tone of your sister's voice, it's hard to judge the situation. But to me, it sounds like she was just using the politically correct version of "your daughter looks retarded." Can anyone actually think that's not rude? Joking around with a friend, laughing, and elbowing them while saying, "You're so retarded!" is a totally different story. But I would never ever think to say anything like that.

When you know that someone hates something, and then they accuse you of doing or being that thing, it's hurtful. My husband doesn't understand this. He says he hates Californians. Well, I grew up in California, so I am offended by that. He doesn't understand why. So knowing that your sister doesn't approve of the spacing of your children, then she brings it up in conversation, yeah, that was meant to hurt you.

I hated psychology. I never wanted to learn anything about it. It didn't come to me intuitively. I have been in a crash-course in psychology for the past 8 years, from the school of hard knocks, and I have read some books. What your sister is doing, what my husband does, and what my sister used to do to me is MANIPULATION. They get something from putting you down, watching you squirm, or making you mad. They feel powerful when they do that. They see you as a superior, so they want to take power from you. This isn't conscious--they don't know why they act that way toward you.

It was a shock to realize that I'd been manipulated for years and years and not understood what was happening. i read this great book called, "Stop Being Manipulated" that really helped me recognize it. I don't know if it's still in print, but try reading a self-help book about it.

Good luck!

.

I am a blunt person but her comments are rude. you need to stand up to her to shut her up and make her think. it would work with me and I speak my mind without thinking first alot.

my sister steps on my toes too, im 36, shes 40. stupid comments like people should need a license to breed, all sorts of things. I try very hard to shrug it off, but it makes my blood boil. But I love her, so I try very hard to not confront it, doing that will bring lengthy emails listing my faults.

I keep conversation light, dont offer too much info or ask for any. I can tell when shes in those moods, and I get off the phone when its going to start where possible. Im thankful that I dont judge and ridicule her.

The bottom line is people who do this, whatever they are judging etc, its about them, their inadequacies, fears. Try to remember that. And dont be a doormat.

I have two sisters and I would never say things like that to either of them regardless if we had a close relationship or not! Your sister needs to grow up! Maybe you should dish out what she does and see how she feels and reacts. Then maybe she'll realize that she's being very rude and insensitive. Geez!

It's your sister. She's always going to know how to push your buttons. But she's always going to be your sister. You have to find a way to deal with your aggravation. You don't have to hold your tongue if she doesn't. You might say something to make it clear that she is putting her own niece down. She may not see it that way until you point it out. The next time she says something say - "you do realize that's your baby niece that adores you that you're talking about, dont you?" That should open her eyes. If that doesn't make her feel like a jerk than she really is a jerk.

i would be offended by the special need comment. not just for what you said its not make fun of someone less fornuate. I know your child doesnt have any issues but I think it was a insenitive remark.
The other comment about the doll I would let go. She is probably trying to get you a bit nuts..stay calm and dont react.

First off . . . your sister's comments are rude, no doubt about that. And I don't think you're being overly sensitive. But it sounds like after a lifetime of issues between the two of you, you know that this is just how she is. So you have to decide that if it's important to you to develop this relationship with her, then you'll have to learn to be more thick-skinned when it comes to her clearly ignorant behavior. I have a brother who is much the same way . . . he can act so superior to the rest of his siblings. And quite honestly I made a decision a long time ago to have minimal interactions with him and his family because of it (I wasn't able to develop the thick skin I needed!). But it sounds to me like you really want to work at a relationship with your sister. I truly think she just is completely clueless how ignorant and hurtful her comments are.

She sounds like a clueless twit. But this stuff builds up over time and gets on your nerves so YOU end up getting angrier and angrier (rightfully so). Of course, it doesn't make you feel any better. I like Pam's answer about slowly rebuking these types of comments. Drama just makes it worse, but calmly and consistently letting her know that her comments are hurtful will help YOU feel better cause you're doing something, even if she doesn't change her behaviour.

Do your best to minimize your time together and just be polite. Just cause people are family, doesn't mean we have to spend time with them, especially if the relationship isn't healthy.

YOUR family (hubby/kids) are your PRIMARY family now, then come your parents/sibs.

I completely understand your problem. I, too, am sensitive, but don't let your family or anyone else make you believe that is a bad quality. I find that I am much more in touch with my feelings and the feelings of others because I'm sensitive to what others have to say. One of the qualities I dislike most in people is those that are blunt and have little tact when speaking with others. I was not raised with these types of people and don't associate with them unless I have to. If I am around them, I try to make the best of the situation. However, if it was my sister, I would have to speak with her about it. I would not bring up any specific comment. Leave the past in the past. I would just tell her in a nonconfrontational manner that some of her comments hurt your feelings or make you angry. Ask her if it would be alright for you to point out these instances when they happen so she'll know what comments are hurtful. Tell her how they make you feel when they happen. Be patient with her. Things take time to change. If she truly loves you and cares about a relationship with you, then she will comply. By the way, I think there is some sort of jealously issue concerning your daughter, but I would never mention that to your sister. Happy holidays!!

I have a special needs child and I found the wagon comment offensive. I don't think you are to sensitive I think your sister needs a filter. I don't think anything is wrong with you I think your sister was never taught to think before she speaks.

If this was a friend, you'd probably not be very good friends b/c this would bother you, but this is your sister, and you WANT a relationship with her. So, if you are sensitive, and that's your personality, then maybe instead of telling you to get thicker skin, she should try to be more sensitive. On the other hand, if she's speaks without a filter, that is her personality too, and you need to realize that. I would suggest trying to tell her when these comments hurt you or are hurtful in general. If the comment at the park was hurtful, instead of getting boiling mad and holding it in, just say "wow, that's pretty crude." and leave it at that or go on to explain that you think it's rude to make jokes about special needs children that way. If the comment on the phone about your daughter not having a sibling bothers you just say "we all know you think sibilings are important, but she's 9, so the chances of her having a sibling close in age are gone, and the changes that she's going to have a sibling at all are pretty much gone too, so just drop it." I guess what I'm getting at is you don't have to let it all go, but you don't have to overreact either. One simple comment back to let her know you thought that was rude may help her to either be more sensitive, or to start using a filter!

It's possible that b/c she does this so often, you are going to overreact on the small things as well since you are reaching your boiling point. Well, the wagon thing wouldn't bother me. The doll thing would b/c it sounds like she's being overly righteous and preachy and passive aggressive.

I would certainly choose my battles, but next time she starts to go off if it's ruder than usual, I would very kindly and simply say, "You know, it hurts my feelings when you say things like that. Are you purposely trying to prove a point and be passive aggressive or are you just not thinking clearly about how that sounds?"

If she tries to escalate it or say, "You are too sensitive," I would kindly reply, "I'm not. I simply don't appreciate you trying to tell me how to do things or how my daughter should or should not behave all of the time.'

Try this response whenever she says something that you disagree with or that just bothers you:

"Gee sissy, that is an interesting perspective."

Then change the subject. I use it all the time at work. It acknowledges that the other person said something but it also tells them you do not intend to pursue their suggestion/comment any further.

For your own sanity, after an hour with your sister, think back and try to calculate how many minutes of that hour were enjoyable. Maybe it is 50 minutes. Then ask yourself, is 50 minutes of fun worth 10 minutes of annoyance? IMO -- Since it is a sister (I have one who is not rude but maybe just tedious), I would say this is worth it.

It's rude, plain and simple. If it hurts your feelings, you need to let her know that although you love her, you don't like the way she talks about your children. Remind her that you don't have as thick of skin as her and that it hurts you and your relationship with her. You can't change her actions anymore than she can change yours but you can talk about it and let your side be known. If it continues to bother you, you might need to rethink why you still chat with her. I love my sister, but we didn't talk for years because of a similar situation.