Update:someone Else's Husband Is Making Indirect Comments About My Weight to Me.

This lady just doesn't get it. I would just find a new book club and leave these people in the dust.

I can completely sympathize with you. My husband's friend has made some comments about my weight over the years. And ironically, his name is Brian too! I can remember one time we were out for after dinner drinks and there were pretzels on the table and I was nibbling on them and he said "Really, you're still hungry?" And that was when I was at my lowest weight. I used to get really mad and even cried a few times, but now I just tell him where to go. His comments have gotten infrequent and he hasn't said anything in a long time. Either he realized he was getting to me anymore, or his wife told him to knock it off. I don't know, but I'm glad it's not like it used to be.

Oh jeez, stop trying so hard with this woman. She doesn't deserve your time. You are trying too hard to get her on your side.

She's worried about "Brian's feelings?" Please. I doubt Brian has given it another thought. If Brian cannot handle a woman telling him not to comment on her weight, then Brian is a pathetic wimp.

Please drop communication with this woman. You won't convince her, and it truly doesn't matter. You are right, they are wrong. You got support from every single person on this site. Let them go. They don't matter. Just read your books and enjoy discussing them with the rest of the group. Or find a new book club.

I think you really need to latch on to the "dead horse" metaphor others have proposed. This horse really is dead. Move on.

p.s. BTW -- There are going to be people in this world who don't like you. Can you accept that fact? There is not one person in the world who is liked by everyone. One of the best things that ever happened to me was accepting that not everyone will like me, and allowing those people to have their feelings. I can't please everyone, nor do I want to. It's time for you to stop caring about what's going on in everyone else's head.

I'm sorry you didn't take any of the wonderful advice that so many people gave you in your first post.

You have continued to involve the wife in an issue between you and her husband. That's not going to help your case about indirect messages and remarks!

I think your relationship with this couple is now completely over. What little chance there was to salvage it is now lost due to your own actions. Instead of taking the assertive and direct route recommended by so many, you decided to do this.

It's done. Find a new book club and move on.

While I can't fathom what feelings Brian had that needed to be taken into consideration, I told you at the time that your best response was no response. You are not going to convince her of your side. I would not encourage a meeting, and if she is smart, she won't take you up on it. You need to learn to walk away and be done with it. You said your part. Let it go.

Why on earth did you stoop to her level and now make this a bigger deal than it ever was?

Now you are engaged and playing their game which makes you as wrong as they are.

A mature adult would let it go after the remarks you made to the husband, ignored the wife's email and locate another book club.

Now you have created a larger issue. I don't understand why you felt like you HAD to write back? Really? Now you have put yourself in the situation to fight the battle when the battle was over after you confronted the husband.

Geesh, Do you just like drama that brings attention to you and then you make yourself the victim?

You are allowing these people to get to you. Be a big girl about it and forget about it. Your continued conversations and bringing it up just makes you look very weak and insecure.

I saw your other thread but didn't get a chance to chime in. Of course your feelings were valid and good for you sticking up for yourself, but I feel like you're giving these people too much space in your head.

Living in southeastern Florida (Boca, heaven help me). I have learned over the years that there are some very mean, rude and/or thoughtless people out there with no filter. It says more about them than it does you.

He sounds like a jerk and she's the enabling wife. Let that be punishment enough for them. :P

Hope you feel better about all this. <<hugs>>

I am going to preface this by saying that im not trying to offend you or be unsympathetic but damn, ma'am, you gotta stop. Why in the world do you want to meet up with someone you find "mean" and "hurtful"? Examine that. Your message to her makes you come across as a bit nutty. Discuss what? Either you did misinterpret what Brian said, which is possible if you are extremely sensitive about your weight (like an overweight person wondering if everyone in the restaurant will be thinking she should not order that cheesecake when really no one notices or cares because they are busy eating their own cheesecake), or you didn't misinterpret it and Wife will never admit it and will just continue to defend Brian.

It is possible you see smirks where none exist and it is also possible that smirking and rude under breath comments are happening but either way these people aren't your friends and don't want to be. Just stop and enjoy your holiday season.

What I am about to say may be offensive and I really mean it in the best possible way to help you.

You are trying way too hard.

______
Here's a little something I read about women learning to navigate romantic relationships: "hide the crazy". But it applies in all kinds of cases. We all have it in us (its just our insecurities coming out). Best not to let it show. You are coming off a little desperate and I also think you were overly complimentary (all part of trying too hard), and it gave this woman another opportunity to step on you. She is more concerned about the position they were in than your feelings. Is that really a person you want to pursue? I can understand keeping the peace to make things comfortable for the sake of other friendships in the group, but you just came off desperate. I did not see an olive branch here.
You should not have engaged this further. Forgive yourself and move on.

Seriously? I really don't know what you were hoping to accomplish by responding to her message. She told you how she felt as she was defending her husband's bad behavior. You were not going to get her to change her mind or see your way of thinking...just was not going to happen.

Why in the hell would you extend an invitation to get together with these folks? Again, you are not going to change their way of thinking...they believe that their behavior and actions were completely reasonable. These folks have shown their true colors. They do not like you for whatever reason. They will never see their actions and words as hurtful to you.

You are beating a dead horse. Cut your losses and stop conversing with these people. You now know how they are and these are not people that you want to be around. I would just drop it and make very sure not to have anything to do with them in the future.

I wouldn't share any more of your personal feelings with this person. Just my opinion. She isn't a good friend, nor is she capable of handling your emotions. So, I would stop right here with sharing your feelings.

You can't get blood from a rock. Right?

What he did was hurtful, but it's time to move on.

Why in the world would you even respond to her let alone extend an invitation to these people?
Now you've escalated it.
And she got the last word--again defending her a$$ of a husband snd his "hurt" feelings.
In the close to 50 responses, the majority said "be done with those people" and "find a new book club" and "ignore them if you stay in the club."
I wonder why you didn't take that advice?

Did you really expect him OR her to say: "yes, we feel you're overweight--we were only trying to help" or "we think you need help controlling your weight"?
Of course not! They're both going to defend the comments to the bitter end so they don't look like the social morons they are.

Know this: there are people in the world you NEVER get along with, NEVER see eye to eye with. People you'll NEVER get close to because THEY are not worthy of your friendship.

Don't beat a dead horse. Move FORWARD with your life--and now that you KNOW better about these people? DO better for yourself.
You can't change people. Only how you respond/react to them.

I know that it's natural to want to defend yourself, it's human nature! However, I don't think you should have responded to the woman at all. . Some things do need to be addressed, such as his comments. You DID address them and that's okay! If they want to stew about it, let them make that choice, but I encourage you to have the confidence to let this go.

Hold your head high and don't let anyone make you feel less about your body, having a dessert if you so chose, or the fact that you confronted an imbecile for his diarrhea of the mouth.

You gotta let it go. You just do.

You are making this all about you. I know that to you it feels like some very hurtful things have been said and you might be wondering how I could possibly say that to you. I'm not trying to be insensitive at all!!! I promise! I'm just saying, sometimes these things really do happen. It really is possible that non of the things you witnessed had anything at all to do with you.

Sometimes when we are particularly sensitive about a topic or when we are going through a tough time, it is more difficult to step back and think about how else these situations can be interpreted.

Right now you are still very upset about how your perception of their actions made you feel. I know from personal experience that once you have those feelings, even if they are 100% off-base, it can be difficult for the feelings to go away.

Try to very gently remind yourself that you were 100% off-base. I'm not trying to attack you in any way. But in thise case, you misinterpreted what happened and now you need to gently remind yourself of this and try and let the feelings go.

Good for you for standing up for yourself! I would have done the same thing because i am out spoken, maybe just a little to much, but it is ok bc that is who i am. Now, after the last email, i would end all communication with this couple, i would not worry or even try to get together with this woman to "talk about it" because there is no need. She is thick headed and ignorant just like her shallow husband and she will continue to make you look like the bad one and continue to praise her husband and act like he did nothing wrong. Just pick yourself up and move on. Good luck!

How were you "accusing Brian of those things?" He SAID them.

I stand by my original reply in your other post. Feel free to use it to respond to her.

Remember, you can't control her, but you can stand up for yourself. That's what you've done and you have nothing to be sorry about.

I wouldn't give this another thought. As someone who has cut toxic people out of my own life, I'm passing that advice to you. There is no benefit to this relationship continuing on. Just let it go. And by let it go I mean don't think about it, don't respond, don't give them your time or energy anymore.

Some people just can't see how their actions and words impact others. When you posted the first email the first thing that popped into my head was 'The lady doth protest too much, methinks'. She knows that her hubby said something mean and most like he has commented to her in private about your size (which is why she reacted at the table when he mentioned the bread).

I'd just write her and her hubby off as jerks and move on. You aren't going to unhear what you have heard and they will never own up to their bad behavior. Agree to disagree and put it aside.

Thanks for the update.

They both are toxic people that will not take responsibility for their own words and actions. They will continue to turn things back to you. That you are somehow responsible for their nasty behavior. Know that you are not responsible for them!

Stop engaging them. I agree with those that said it's natural to want to defend yourself, but you need to stop. You aren't going to change them.

I can guarantee you this is not the first time this has happened. I'm guessing she's defended this tool on multiple occasions. If you continue with the book club, stay away from both of them. If she defends his boorish behavior, she gets what she deserves. Put them out of your head and enjoy the holidays.

I think you made it worse. I wouldn't have sent the note. I can't believe you would actually want to MEET these people and have a sit-down with them. All they would do is gang up on you.

What did you expect her to do once she got your note? Be nice? She already proved that she isn't. All your note to her did was make her dig her heels in more.

Stay away from these people and resolve to have a thicker skin AND stand up for yourself IN FRONT OF OTHERS if something like this happens again.

She's not concerned with Brian's feelings. She's concerned people will see through him, and she can't have that. She fell into the "the lady doth protest too much" camp with her first email.

Drop this. Let it go. Don't let them take up any more of your time. Forgive him (to yourself, not out loud) for being a class A jerk, and act like nothing ever happened. If he makes any more comments, loudly ask him to repeat what he said. That should shut them up. And yeah, don't go asking this woman to spend time with you, she's not worth it and she doesn't want to be your friend. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

You all need time away from each other.

I'll try to be devil's advocate (even though I believe he made comments that hurt you).

He may have thought it was no big deal to say or possible had an extra drink and didn't even realize he said "do you really think you should have that" when you were eating something unhealthy. The loaf of bread could have been as the wife said (him being polite if you ordered the item).

His words made YOU feel bad, yet that may not have been his intent. Nobody here online was at the restaurant to know how you reacted. Your story sound easy to picture and the wife is now defending her husband because she may feel paranoid the others in your group are judging him to be a jerk. She sounds like she is on damage control and sees you as paranoid. If you both continue you will make everyone else in the group uncomfortable to be around you both together. I am not sure how many are in your book club and how awkward it is now with them.

She is a "stand-by your man" kind of person. I think it is wonderful in many ways, yet you need to see nothing you say will make you right and him wrong.

I miss the days when people actually spoke to each other. Text/email doesn't have tone. I could imaging her saying this as hurtful OR I could imagine her saying this in an apologetic tone where she is really trying to explain her actions and also say that she's sorry.

In any case, let it go now.

I just went back and read the first and second post on this. I'm glad you said something to him and my impression was that his comments were intentional and meant to dig at you.
The wife is trying to justify her husband's comments because she's embarrassed. He doesn't want to take responsibility because it would force him to admit wrongdoing.
People like this don't deserve any more of your time. Just let it go and stay far away from them. You can still go to book club, but don't sit by them, avoid eye contact and if they want to talk more about it, just tell them you would like to put it all behind you now. You can't change who people are.

In your previous post you did not mention that you ordered the bread. I am sure that was just an omission but that omission what the biggest thing that made his comment appear bad to those that responded. It made it sound like you had been scarfing down a community loaf and he was being ignorant about it. Considering you ordered it it was in fact your loaf. I also have to wonder if the smirk was in your mind because of how you took what he said.

Paranoid was a poor choice of words to describe that you are seeing intent that isn't there. That was her hurt talking. She is allowed to have hurt as well.

In the end you took what he said wrong and confronted him. She took that wrong and confronted you. Both of you have emotions changing how you see the other. He didn't mean to upset you, you didn't mean to upset him... Stop doubling down on the right and wrong and let this go.

I just want to add I would think it very impolite to tell a waiter it was okay to remove something someone else ordered. I too would have asked you, are you done with your bread. I would not have smirked. I would have been very hurt, very uncomfortable if you had pulled me aside and had a talk telling me about how I smirked at you and hurt your feelings. Pretty sure I would have beat you out the door unless my husband made me stay. I just don't understand why you don't see how hurtful your actions were as well.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. The guy is a jerk but pales in comparison to his wife. Fat shaming, sadly, is still something that is ignored. Some people are racist, or are biased against some people who are different religions or who are poor - and all of that is socially unacceptable. However, joking about someone being overweight or making insensitive comments is perfectly a-ok!

Although it won't make you feel better this bit#h is never going to change. She's been this way since middle school and sadly, has the worst and lowest kind of self-esteem possible - the kind where she needs to write letters like that to you rather than step up, be sorry and apologize. You cannot change her - honestly, you'd have a better shot with him. She doesn't care about your feelings. She only cares about how her husband was being perceived. She won't learn a lesson and apologize, she'll only want you think you are wrong, she is right and you are crazy. Well, you're NOT, so forget it.

There is so much more about being overweight then just liking food and lack of will power and being lazy. It's the drug of choice - and you can't hide it. It's there for everyone to see.

Bit#hes like this are all over the place. My suggestion is to either look past it or, if you don't care about the book club - I'd show the leader the letters and tell them that this couple makes you uneasy and that is why you need to leave. Let them be shamed for a while!

Happy holidays!! Glad you vented here.

I think you have your answer and you are not going to get her support or get what you want out of this friendship. I am having trouble following, but I am assuming here that you emailed him or his wife and this is what you replied?

I would frankly be surprised if they stayed in your book club. And even if it was all me, if you are struggling a lot with your self-esteem, it would not hurt to seek counseling, or to do something that makes you feel really, really good about yourself, so you are not taking comments to heart and holding onto that hurt.

You go girl! And you made it clear that it was bread for the table.
My further word of advise is don't even deal with her at all again. She will not see it your way, probably ever.