Daughter Doesn't like the Way I Look

When my oldest daughter (18 now) was about this age she loved Disney's beauty and the beast. I would point out to her wow Gaston is a good looking guy...she'd say Yeah but he's mean...which would lead to a conversation about how someone can be pretty on the outside...but ugly on the inside. Or like the beast ugly on the outside but good on the inside. We still on occasion use this reference. LOL
She is just a kid so try not to take it too personally, but you do need to nip this in the bud! Wouldn't you just die if she said something like this to a stranger in the store? It's a back and forth issue but start working on it now!!! When they get older and even more set in their ways it leads to anger and confusion. Good Luck!

Maybe go get a book on famous, influential women. Madame Curie, mother theresa, et al.

Go through the book with her and show her how each woman is shaped differently and looks differently, but teach her the genius, the brilliance, the endless compassion or the ambition each woman has in the book. Explain what true beauty is, and how awe-inspiring it is when women develop their real brilliance; which has literally nothing to do with how they look. Talk about how confusing it is to be in a country that deifies beauty and thinness, when in reality it has nothing to do with a person's value.

Consider it a teaching moment.

You absolutely need to talk to her about this. She's already on the wrong path, and you need to turn it around. She already has the idea that skinny and pretty are traits that we judge others by. She needs to understand that those are superficial, and often out of anyone's control. Who wants to be ugly? Is it OK for her to make fun of fat people? Or black people? Or Chinese people? Or handicapped people? Absolutely not! Why? Because we judge people by what's on the inside, not the outside. She probably heard someone else say something, and she's picked up on the idea. This is a teaching opportunity for you. Absolutely tell her how much she has hurt your feelings and why. Show her how to to be tolerant of others. Does she really want another mommy? How would she feel if someone shunned her or called her names because she has blue eyes? Compassion and empathy for others are not born in us, they are taught.

I'm sorry, but I totally agree with the other posters. Your daughter needs to dial it back right now. Just because you're her mom and will love her no matter what doesn't mean she can say hurtful things to you. And that's exactly what she's doing. Not okay.

I think that there are a lot of ways you can approach it, but I would start by telling her that as of NOW she's not allowed to say mean things to you any more. She has to start thinking of others. You wouldn't say to her that you wish you had another daughter, would you?

Also, get your husband on board with this. He needs to let her know on no uncertain terms that he loves you, thinks you're gorgeous and wouldn't trade you for anything! If your husband won't do this, that's a whole other issue, but I'm going to assume that he's game for this.

Finally, insisting that she be kind about your weight is not going to indirectly teach her about self-image issues. Talking to you the way she does is indicating that she recognizes body stuff already and has way disproportionately emphasized it in her own head. She needs to hear from you that you and your husband's relationship transgresses physical stuff.

Good luck.

Wow, your daughter needs a HUGE lesson in RESPECT and pretty damn quick! This is ALL unacceptable behavior! If you do not put an end to it NOW in a few years she will be telling you to 'go f*** yourself' when you ask about her homework. Get Dad on board, do an all out discipline over haul! I cannot imagine my kids ever saying such cutting things to me! Jeesh!

Wow. Time to sit that girl down and have a talk about it being what's on the inside that counts! No, I'm not joking. You need to sit down with your husband and daughter and have a talk about commenting on people's weight (unacceptable) and judging people by appearances. Whether or not you need to lose a few pregnancy pounds really isn't the issue (and I'm not sure that's really what your daughter is noticing, anyway). Your daughter needs to know that not all twiggy models are nice people, and that you cannot tell a good person from the way they look. Studies have shown that even babies are more inclined toward prettier people, but this can be dangerous as kids grow up. Good luck to you.

Score another victory for the mass media brainwashing our kids into narrow perceptions of what "pretty" means (gosh, my Mom doesn't look like a supermodel, so she must be less of a person). I agree with all these other moms, time to have a sit down about acceptance and respect. That aside, I know it must hurt. Remind yourself she is young, and despite her lack of tact, you know she wouldn't trade you for the world.

Dear S.,

You have several issues which have collided in a very painful way. Perhaps you can separate them in your mind and heart, and deal with them one at a time.

You're two months post-partum; you're sleep-deprived and hormonally challenged. You have less time for yourself than you would like, and are adjusting to nurturing another child. These are significant issues for you, without anyone throwing your emotions off-balance. Forgive yourself first, for whatever failings you might be afraid you have or that may have contributed to this in any way.

Your daughter has constant bombardment from television, internet web sites, friends, school (if she attends public or private school) and billboards. The message is everywhere that anyone who isn't skinny is less desirable and less healthy than the anorexic role models foisted upon the public consciousness. Forgive your daughter for absorbing this toxic message and resolve to keep the lines of communication open. The fact that your daughter feels she can talk to you is a plus; although I agree with others that she needs to develop compassion, and fast!

For compassion, talk to your daughter about any hurtful thing she can recall which someone said to her. Talk about what preceded it and how she felt afterward, even if the offender apologized. Explain that words are our thoughts sent out into the world, and they have power to change things for better or worse. Help her take responsibility for what she says, based on her own reflections of past hurts inflicted upon her.

I agree with others who commented that your daughter needs to respect and appreciate how blessed she is to have two parents and (at least one) sibling with whom to share her upbringing. Explain that family members aren't exchangeable like unwanted gifts, but rather are blessings from God to be cherished for your whole life (even after they pass away). Perhaps in the context of the Haiti earthquake, and the hundreds of impoverished orphans who survived and now face life-threatening challenges... she may learn to count her blessings.

After that "little chat", you could delve deeper into the lifelong commitment that is marriage, and that you're the best and only mother she'll ever have, even if she someday has another nurturer. Draw out her feelings about her new sibling, and offer her encouraging thoughts about the upside of being an older sibling. There are many; offer those which in your judgment will be most useful immediately to restore your daughter's sense of harmony and stability within her home and family.

If you want to broaden your daughter's concepts of "pretty" with regard to body type, you may want to show her Renaissance-era paintings and explain that this was the ideal of beauty at that time, and also art from other cultures which depict beautiful females with actual flesh on their bones. This may help your daughter avoid being trapped in the mindset that she's never thin enough. That mindset can be SO unhealthy!

In closing, I praise you highly for reaching out to a forum like MamaSource, where so much wisdom and warmth are waiting for those who ask. The many people who have already offered their wisdom and righteous indignation have touched on nearly everything I have written. I offer these words in hopes that, by saying it differently or redundantly, the hurt will diminish, you'll forgive yourself and your daughter, and take positive steps to heal the situation without rancor or remorse.

Blessings to you, your new baby and your temporarily insecure young daughter.
Cathi B.

First of all -to ANY child who remarks on your weight or appearance, you should nicely tell them that it's very rude to say something about the way another person looks unless you're telling them you like something. It's never too early to learn good manners!

Talk to your daughter and tell her that she hurts your feelings. Let her know that your are NOT fat and certainly not ugly and it's extremely rude to say those things to you. Tell her she shouldn't fixate on people's weight or hair style or anything like that. Ask her what she thinks would happen if Daddy was married to one of the other moms? Let her know that you two are supposed to be together and that she wouldn't be here if you two weren't together. Say all of this calmly and conversationally, but it needs to be said. She's old enough to realize that her comments and actions can hurt others. I would also remind her of all the fun and great things YOU do that make her life fantastic, and that if one of those other women were her mommy, many of those things wouldn't be happening.

I'm 43, 5"10 and weigh 270. My son randomly says things like, "mom, my friends say you're fat". This happens to be a true statement. I respond to him that everyone looks different and that's ok. But its not ok to say things that might hurt someone's feelings. So I tell my son to try to only say "nice" things and to remind his friends to do that too. You also need to be secure enough in yourself to not take these things so personally, which I know is hard to do. So we address these things as we only want to say encouraging and nice things and we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Kids of all ages should understand this. Good luck!

I think you are having 2 issues here. One is a discipline issue with you daughter. She needs to know that what she says to you is hurtful and not acceptable. I would discipline her accordingly. Also somewhere (maybe that same friend) she has picked up that a woman is better, worth more love, if they are skinny and pretty. This is a dangerous and unhealthy way of thinking and I think 6 is a prefect time to start talking with your daughter about gender expectations, self esteem, and healthy living. It seems to me that someone is making her feel insecure and she is displacing that on to you, her mother.
The best way to teach her about positive self image is to model that to her, even if you feel insecure at times, telling your daughter that you are beautiful, attractive, and that your husband loves you for you will help both of you.
You are beautiful, and more importantly, you are a strong woman and a loving mother.

Maybe you could have your husband tell you how good you look in front of her and do it often.

When she makes a comment like that, you should tell her that she hurt your feelings. How would she like it if you said you wanted to replace her with a better child? That she wasn't good enough for you? Would her feelings be hurt? I think so. I would tell her, "I love you the way your are and I would hope that you would love me the way I am." I would also get your husband on board to say that you are his one and only and that he loves you the way your are!

Hey there, Beautiful!

I agree. deffinatly talk with her. She is obviously confused about what women should look like. And be sure to get Dad onboard!!
it is ok to let her know she really hurt your feelings. Empathy is an important lesson and one not all kids grasp on ther own.

But i wanted to adress how this must have made you feel!!
You are Not fat! I am sure you are beautiful and you do Not have to compete with a bunch of mothers in ther 20's and 30's!
125 pounds after two babies is something to be Proud OF!!! in fact, i think you should go out and celebreate how beautiful you are! do something that makes you feel pretty! You deserve it and it will be good for your daughter to see how beautiful You think You are!

I notice lots of advice to tell your daughter she has hurt your feelings. And several suggest you demand an apology. I strongly disagree with both of these. I do think it's fine to help a child understand what sorts of things are impolite to tell others, however.

If your daughter believes she can "hurt your feelings," she's got some very scary power in her hands. This could frighten her, make her reassess whether to put her faith in you, and eventually give her a way to test and challenge you as she approaches puberty. And if you demand that she tell you she's sorry when she's not, you're teaching her she should lie for social reasons.

Both of these "solutions" solve nothing – and may create a monster of a problem later. She may still not like the way you look, and she may be confused or resentful about being made to apologize for speaking honestly. As she gets older, especially, you are going to want her to understand her own feelings about body issues, and you will be reassured if she is a frank and honest person.

In truth, people don't hurt our feelings. Our own thoughts and conclusions about what other people say is what causes us that discomfort. Our own thinking! We give our children a tremendous gift of freedom if we can help them understand that.

Now, I would find it disturbing if my child told me something like this, too. I'd be more concerned for what's going through her little head, though. Body size and physical beauty are such false and unrealistic measures of human worth, and those are the kinds of conversations I'd want to have with her in the coming years.

Where did she get her ideas, really? Could be television, movies, magazines, as well as peer comments. Could be something she heard that was directed at her or a good friend, and she's puzzled about it and wants to see what you, the adult she probably most cares about, would do with a comment like that.

Though your little girl is still young, it sounds like it could be time to have some gently supportive mom-daughter talks about looks, weight, dieting, fashion, true love – all the things that plague or add value to a woman's life. There are good books available that could be a terrific resource for you. Here's one highly-rated on on the Amazon website, and there are more related ones that you can browse at your convenience. The user ratings are a really helpful way to find out whether a book might work for you: http://www.amazon.com/Looks-Book-Esther-Drill/dp/01420021...

It is awful that her friend could make your daughter feel so self-conscious about you. You should really talk to her about what she is saying. How does she feel about other people she perseveres as "fat". ?

On one hand, I'd say not to make too much of this.....IF it were a younger child.
My daughter was 2-1/2 when she told our neighbor she loved her because she was fat like Aunt Deb. I was mortified! The fact is, no one ever called Aunt Deb fat, except Aunt Deb herself. My daughter just loved snuggling up to her. She didn't mean it as an insult by any means. Kids that little are really beginnig to notice people are tall, short, thin, round, pale, dark, they have short hair, long hair, etc. Noticing these things is normal.
Our neighbor adored my daughter and she told her, "Honey, I know you didn't mean it, but you could really hurt someone's feelings by saying that they're fat. I'm a big woman, I don't need anyone letting me know."
My daughter felt bad because she really did love her and hugged her and said she was sorry. And, my neighbor knew it wasn't said in a mean way so all was forgiven. But it was a good lesson for my daughter.
That said, your daughter is 6. She's old enough to understand that words can hurt. Just because you're her mom, you'll always love her, and she should be able to speak freely with you about things doesn't give her license to be hurtful to you. If she doesn't know the things she says are hurtful, there's no time like the present for her to learn.
Now....something a 6 year old says to you should not make you feel unattractive. You are beautiful, you're a wonderful wife and mother, your husband loves you....don't let your daughter's words create insecurity.
That may be a talk you have down the road with her if someone says something to make HER doubt herself.
But, for now, I really think you and your husband should talk to her about how things she says can be really hurtful. Having opinions or whatever are fine, but she's old enough to think before speaking when it comes to someone's appearance, etc. Especially when it comes to doing it right to their face. Your daughter may never dare say anything like that to anyone else, so she certainly shouldn't say it to you. But, there is the chance that if it's okay to say things like that to mom, it might be interpreted as fine to say to anybody else and that's the last thing you want.
Your daughter is lucky to have the mom that she has and she should be kind and respectful to you. She should be kind and respectful of others, period.
Everybody is beautiful in their own way. EVERYBODY.
I raised two kids by myself and they always told me they had the prettiest mom. I was the prettiest to them because they loved me and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I hope you'll have a talk with your daughter so she understands that outside appearances aren't everything.
And there's always the old adage...."If you can't find something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
I don't think your daughter is too young to learn to curb it.
She's plenty old enough in my opinion.

I wish you the very best and no offense was intended to anyone.

I think it says a lot about what a good and open Mom you are that your little girl isn't afraid to say what she is thinking. I would not want to squash that with a Miss Manners talk.

I know it hurts your feelings, but I think you are right not to make too big a deal about it. What I would say to her when she says one of these things is something like this, "I'm sorry you aren't happy with the way I look. I love myself no matter how I look and I hope someday you will be able to too. It does make me a little sad and I'm not feeling happy you said that to me, but I love you no matter what you say." Then give her a hug.

Well. First cool we are the same age.
Second I would sit her down and tell her that names can hurt people. Give her some examples. Then maybe take her to an nursing home. Show someone in a wheelchair or not walking so good. Introduce them to your child. When you get back in the car ask your daughter how would it make that older person feel if someone made fun of them walking or not being able to feed themselves? She might look at the situation completely different.
Show her about compassion. It might be easier for her to understand if you give her an example she can actually see with her own eyes.
For yourself if your up to it start a exercise routine. I know its diffucult BUT its worth it. I am not anywhere near where I want to be. My stomach is defintely FAT. I have three kids ...after two cersarans my stomach doesn't look the same. I am probably about ten lbs over weight. I started exercising more.
You don't sound at all heavy to me. Teach her why its so hurtful. Maybe she really doesn't completely get it. Or maybe she does and is trying to hurt your feelings. for punishing her or making her clean her room.

This just happened to me this week with my 5 year old daughter. The thing is, I am a tall thin mom who has always been considered good looking by others. My daughter came home and said, "Jack's mom is prettier than you are." I told her that could very well be true, but it is rude for her to say so. My husband spoke up, as she said this at the dinner table, and let her know that I am the most beautiful person he knows both inside and out and she should never say something mean to her mommy who does so much for her. We dropped the subject at that, and I thought that my having my feelings hurt by her words was vain on my part a little like the evil queen being jealous of Snow White. Of course there are women more beautiful than I am.

The next day I picked her up from school and Jack's mom was there too. She said, "See mommy she is prettier than you. Look at her eyes and mouth. She is very pretty." I agreed and said, "You are right she is very pretty, but that doesn't mean all the other mommies aren't pretty too."

I was glad I did get to see Jack's mom because I did get a better understanding of what my daughter thinks is "pretty." I don't wear makeup on a daily basis, and Jack's mom had on eye make-up and lipstick. My daughter is very attracted to shiny things. In fact, she just asked me for twinkle toes Sketchers. She thinks something is pretty that I am not. That's fine. I am what I am. I'm not going to start wearing make-up all the time so I can be a "pretty" mom in my daughter's eyes. She needs to learn to accept me as I am and not criticize me for not being what she wants me to be. I treat her with that respect and I will hold her to respecting me. That's what moms do.

No matter if you were a super model your daughter would find fault with you in some way. It is OK for her to have her opinions and like a different look than what you have, but it is never alright for her to be insensitive to others' feelings including her mother's. This is just one of many opportunities you will have to teach tolerance and respect for people's differences.

I didn't read all of your other responses, so I don't know if this was brought up... could she be upset or jealous about the new baby, and associates mom "being fat" with having that new baby. Just a thought. I would definitely tell her that it hurts your feelings, and that it is not okay to speak to anyone like that because it is hurtful. You don't have to be angry toward her or accusing, but keep it simple: "It makes me feel sad when you say things like _____, and I'd like you to stop speaking to me that way. Talking about someone's appearance can be hurtful, so we shouldn't point out how other people look because it can hurt their feelings. What's important is how people treat each other...." etc. etc. Good luck, and don't be down on yourself!

Please don't let your daughter say those things to you. Even if she feels that way tell her it is not nice to say and it hurts your feelings. There has been some hurtful things my 4 year old daughter has said to me that I have made her apologize for and she has never repeated. Good luck. :)

I might tell her while its just the two of you that this hurts your feelings. I would also tell her daddy loves you just the way you are. I would also tell her that you would not trade her for any other little girl because you love her so much. Good luck!

Honestly, I do not think this about you at all :) I think that there are two issues that are probably bringing this up:

1. She is somehow unhappy with the way she looks. With you recently having a baby, she has put two and two together and has figured out that maybe if her mommy was "prettier" than she would be, too. How many people have commented that the new baby looks like so-and-so?

2. She is jealous of the new baby. 6 yr olds do not have the capacity to have a well thought out "plan of attack" when their feelings are hurt - yet they are old enough to know HOW to hurt feelings at the most basic level. 6 yr olds also know that it isn't cool to say mean things about the baby. So, you are the target. Hence the comments of wishing daddy was married to another woman (read: I wish daddy was married to somebody who didn't have a new baby).

If she makes mean/rude comments, I would first reaffirm your love for her and let her know that you think she is beautiful - then I would tell her that she hurt your feelings and send her to her room to write an apology letter to you. I would also involve dad in this if possible :)

Good luck!

I would not let it bother you too much because little girls that age just starting to realize a lot of things about themselves. She is trying to put it out to you to see how you react so she can start building her self esteem. It is a very sad situation that girls start being shallow at this age. My daughter used to come home crying in kindergarten saying that the other girls called her fat. *Kindergarten* I would just ask my daughter if she thought she was fat. She told me that she didn't and I said then don't worry about it because there is going to be tons of insecure people that try to make you as unhappy as they are. I think your daughter is really crying out for your help. She has been told by her friends and classmates that everyone has to meet a certain standard and she does not feel up to par. The issue is really not you, per say, but she needs some help with her issues. I would not worry at all about it and show her that beauty comes from the inside. Maybe you could go out and play in the mountains and get really dirty but have a fantastic time. Go out to the store without your makeup. Think of several things that you guys can do together and have a great time just being two girls out of the town and having a good time.

You know, I really don't think this is about appearance at all, it's about the baby. She's having a hard time adjusting to the new baby. Baby = mommy is different. By wishing for "skinny and pretty" she is wishing for you pre-new baby. So maybe look for some advice on how to help an older sibling adjust to a new baby and when she feels more comfortable with her place in the newest version of your family, the negative feeling will go away.

That said, I wouldn't just let the comments go. If she is saying this kind of thing to you, and her friends talk about this kind of thing as well, it's only a matter of time before someone says something inappropriate to another child or about another parent. I remember driving some kids home from my son's birthday party in 3rd grade and hearing one boy whisper that another boy's mom (not a kid at the party) was "F-A-T." I pulled the car over we all had a friendly but firm chat that it is never acceptable to talk about someone else's appearance in a negative way and that someday each and every one of them will will feel too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too pimply, too freckly, or won't like their own clothes, skin, hair, glasses or braces. And when they do, they certainly wouldn't feel good hearing something mean from someone else. I don't know if it sunk in but it's certainly a message that I have repeated at home to all three of my sons, ages 4-12. They are never too young to learn - repeatedly - that hurtful remarks towards anyone are rude and unacceptable.

Another thing - maybe when she says this you need to just push back and assure that you aren't going anywhere. Like it or not, your her mom and you will always be her mom and daddy loves all of you just the way you are, just like you love him just the way he is and you love your children just the way they are. Maybe in a weird way with the addition of a new baby she's looking for reassurance that you WILL always be her mommy, in spite of what she says and does.

Hi- What concerns me is that your daughter does not seem to have any empathy. I had to go back and check her age as at first I thought she was really young. I could see this from a 3-4 year old but at 6 she is old enough to understand that what she's saying is hurtful. You would never allow her to treat other people (relatives, friends, classmates) this way. Why are you allowing her to continue to be insensitive to you? If she is breaking your heart as you say, you need to tell her. Have ongoing discussions about how words can be hurtful and "how would she feel if...". This is not about manners it is about her developing a sense of empathy. Having said that I can totally understand how she may be projecting feelings about having a new brother onto you. She may be distancing herself a little from you because she feels jealous. Try to go a little deeper an figure out why she may be saying these things. I have a 7 year old so I can relate to that age but I cannot imagine my daughter saying she wishes Dad was married to someone else! Tell her how you feel!

"Beauty is as beauty acts."

We have seen it over and over. A person we thought was so attractive, then you get to know them and realize they can be a nasty bit of work..

Or the person that is not the "typical beauty" portrayed on TV or magazines, but is the sweetest, kindest person you have ever met and all of a sudden they are beautiful each time you see them.

Our bodies are a shell, our spirits are invisible.
Have her look past the shell and into the spirit of each person.
She will be so much happier.

I also think it could be related to the new baby. Your husband needs to take her on and say how he loves you, doesn't want to be married to anyone else, etc.

I also think that we completely underestimate the effect of our TV shows, magazines, department store mannequins and other cultural showcases that give young kids, particularly girls, a totally warped sense of body image. It's so insidious. Your daughter has already started to internalize this view of what's pretty and what's not, and it's really important to deal with those demons now, not just later in life. Make it less about your hurt feelings and more about how people come in all shapes and sizes, that pretty comes in all styles, and so on. Let her know those people on TV aren't always healthy, and they go crazy trying to stay thin, and for what? Soon she'll learn that so many women can't buy clothes because the fashions are designed for size 2 when the average woman is size 12. I also would respond to the other kids who comment on your size - rudeness is rudeness, you know?

You're also battling your hormones and most likely some exhaustion too, so try to be good to yourself.

I think Peg's got some good points here. I agree that it is no use (or actually worse than no use) to make your daughter apologise, or go into how she hurt your feelings. I do think it is ok to talk about our feelings, but i would not do it in the way of "you made me feel such and such".

I sympathise with you and your daughter. I am sure i would be hurt and confused, if i were you. And i also think your daughter may be in a not so easy place -- seems to work on conflicts in her mind/heart: she loves you, but media say she needs to have a skinny/pretty mom, she saw you change and a baby appear. I do not think you can solve these conflicts for her, or help her with a few comments, or a single mom-daughter talk. However, I do think you can help her and yourself a whole lot through
- taking care of your hurt as if you were an infant. Take some time alone and embrace yourself, soothe yourself. Take care of that wound, and your beautiful self will shine even more.
- making sure that your husband understands what happened, how you feel, and what you think your family needs to learn from that. Try to show each other affection in front of your children. It is more impressive if your daughter sees how he is attracted to you, how he courts you, how he is sometimes swept of his feet by your beauty and radiance, than if he just says so. Plus it's fun. Your daughter will see that princes and princesses take all forms, ages, shapes. It will confuse her, then enrich her.
- give this time. Continue to love yourself and your family. Be the role model for a healthy attitude. Choose positive people with healthy attitudes. It takes support of a whole community to shine light in the face of the demons within and around us! And: any ghost will shrink in the face of laughter! Or join in...
Shine your light!
D.

S. your daughter totally needs to be taught that this is extremely rude, immapropriate behavior, not to mention disrespectful. Get your husband on board and sit down for a talk about why what she has said is wrong and that it is what is on the inside that counts. I would also have a punishment for the poor behavior she has been displaying. And for heaven sakes, I am sure you are a beautiful women--don't let this make you feel bad about yourself. Your daughter just needs a little lesson in manners. Absolutely have a talk with her and for that other kid that remarked on your weight I would let his parents know the kind of things he is saying--how rude and disrespectful--I would be mortified if my kid said something like that to another adult! No way would I let any child talk down to me like that in my home. I would give him one warning and the next time he would not be welcome anymore. Your daughter is old enough to be responsible for what she says and does. Best of luck.

OK OK Did I read read this right!!! A "FRIENDS PARENT " said that you looked like you put on weight!! First of all I PERSONALLY would of said, NICELY, NO!!! BUT you need to mind YOUR own BUISNESS and then I probably would "at least slapped the person" IF CHILDREN WEREN"T AROUND!

But on a calmmer note:: I would set down and talked to my daughter and say I Love You for the way you look and always will, but you are to young to think this way. Daddy loves me in every way and I would love it if you love me to!! But I also feel some of this is the age which she is in. She is now noticeing people come in all sizes and colors. That doesn't mean that they are bad people and or better people.

Kootdoos to you for not KNOCKING the person OUT and good luck with ur baby,
P.S. you are NOT overweight so try not to let it bring you down!!!

You just had a baby and I'm amazed anyone has the nerve to comment about your weight / looks. Tell your daughter girls tend to age just like their mothers and when she's your age (and after growing and pushing out 2 human beings) you hope she looks as good as you do right now. That should give her something to think about.

You should explain to her that when woman has a baby, she has to gain some weight because the baby lives inside her until he or she is born and if she doesn't gain enough weight, the baby won't get enough food to survive. Second, explain to her that not everyone has to be skinny to be beautiful. Tell her that it upsets you when she tells you that you're not pretty because you aren't skinny and that it isn't nice to criticize other people's weight or size. It will get better and you won't hurt her self esteem by teaching her that it's okay to be larger than a piece of paper. :) Good luck!

It is great what the others said about not making her apologize but I think she needs too. What your daughter is saying is hurtful and mean and inappropriate. She is old enough to understand hurt feelings and if it were me I would cry in front of her and show her how much she has hurt me. She seems like she is being superficial with saying she doesn't like how you look and being even more mean by wishing your dad were married to another skinny pretty woman.

you did just have a baby. She may be jealous of the baby since you just had one.

your husband does need to lecture her as do you. and you need to somehow show her that people are more than what they look like on the outside, like introducing her to some elderly people in a nursing home or some people that are more severly overweight.

and if my daughters friends made a comment about me looking fat, you need to call that child's parents and tell them they deserve to know their daughter is rude.

good luck!

and at 125 lbs, you probably look great! I wish I was 125 lbs! :-)

hugs!

D.

p.s. I agree with the punishment idea, she is 6 not 3 or 2 years old. she deserves some type of punishment, like spending time with a really nice obese person!

S.,
I am a mother of a ten month old baby and I wish I was 125. The truth is, though, that if we have strong self confidence, this things would not matter.
Most people said talk to your child and make her realize it is wrong and I agree, it is wrong. But it is not wrong to notice you have some more weight than before the pregnancy... it is wrong to value peopel according to how they look. Will she rather have a skinny mommy who is plain dumb? Will she rather have a mean beautiful mom? I always teach my daugther -age 7- that it is important to be beautiful but beautiful inside (good hearted) then smart and if she is nice looking it is only a bonus.
Having her value heart, soul and mind will teach her later that, as a woman, she does not worth because she is thin.
PS: Keep in mind you have a lot of hormones from breastfeeding that can make you extra sensitive too... And try to love yourselve as you are (It is hard..for us women)

I would just tell her that is really not nice and it is really hurting your feelings. She needs understand that commenting on anyone appearance in a negative way is hurtful. Point out that everyone finds different things to be beautiful and everyone looks different. Some people have brown eyes and freckles and some people have blue eyes and white skin and they are all beautiful. even if SHE doesnt think that they are, some one else DOES. and just because someone if heavy does not mean that they are not healthy or beautiful either. Show her pictures of celebrities that are larger and still gorgeous, like Queen Latifah. She is a thick women, but she models for cover girl because she is beautiful.

I think you should just sit down with your daughter and explain that when she says these things it hurts your feelings. Don't just ignore it, its not just about body image but learning manners and respect. You don't go up to anyone and tell them they should be prettier or skinnier. Teach her about all the other qualities in a person that are more important. I think it would mean a lot if your husband also talked to her and explained why he is married to you and not anyone else. It is ok to put an end to hurtful comments whether they are about you or anyone else. And I don't blame you for being hurt even if its from a child.

I hear you and can understand that this sure is hurting your feelings. I have a similar issue with my 5 year old daughter. She is noticing that most of our family is skinny (my mom, my sister...) and she has on several occasions said "My mom is fat" "My mom has a big this or that" It hurts. It hurts a lot, because she doesn't know (even though my husband and I tried explaining, and showing her pictures) that her mom (me) was 5'11 and had 130 pounds before pregnancy, and that my pregnancy with her was hard, and my thyroid got me in a lot of trouble LOL and now I am 5'11 and have 180.
I feel so down and awful because I can't explain it to her that it's not nice the way she is telling me those things. Maybe she is little and doesn't understand yet, but I also think it's a lot to do with the world today.
I also tried explaining to my mom and sister to stop talking about diets and skinny-fat in front of her. Because her comments may be funny to them, but they really do hurt my feelings.

I hope you'll resolve this!! (hugs)

I would have your husband talk to her. Let him tell her how much he loves you and how much he loves her and that if she ever got pudgy or scarred on her face he'd still love her. And he needs to tell her how much this hurts you. I would also talk to her together as a couple so she knows yall are united and happy.

My 12yo son can be very blunt sometimes, he has Aspergers Syndrome and that's part of that spectrum. Even though I know he doesn't understand social cues like that, I still talk to him about it and trying to teach him to empathize with others. I'm getting through little by little. I think you will to, best of luck.

Well I know that this is a late response but I thought I would throw my two cents in. The fact she says she wishes that someone else was married to her dad has to stop. Regardless of what she thinks of your looks she cannot disrespect marriage, especially her parents. I think she is trying to hurt you out of some resentment she may feel about the baby. She is hurting and lashing out, but I think if you show her you are still the same mama that didn't put up with disrespect before the baby and won't put up with now, you will actually help her in the long run. She may want to see that she can still capture your time and attention and she may be craving to see that you still have time to parent her. I think I would tell her that she is not to say that again because it very disrespectful to you and her father and she will be punished should she be disrespectful in that way again. As far as the looks, I agree that telling her that these comments are hurtful is good. I was roommates with a friend with a daughter before I got married. Her daughter was about 7 and I was pretty thin before I got married. I was brushing my hair and my arm was jiggling some and she came in and made a face and said it was gross or something to that effect. I told her that she shouldn't make these kind of comments because some women might feel sensitive about it, I was fine, but I didn't want her to hurt someone else's feelings. She goes "oh it's ok, my mom has it too!;) I just kept my cool and made sure she understood that people don't always like things about their body being commented on, she got it. So telling her something in a simple way, without emotion, might help. Best wishes! My dr told me that it takes about 6 months or so for an older sibling to adjust to a new baby. My baby is now 4 months and I waiting for my older son to adjust still!! It gets better all the time, but it is a huge change for them, but disobedience and disrespect are never excusable in my opinion.

Bring her to my house...im 52' 152lbs that should clear that up..lol! Wow that would be hard...I agree you should tell her that she is hurting your feeling by saying these things. That makes me so sad that our kids are growing up believing you have to be stick thin and done up like a movie star 24/7 to be beautiful..its just not realty! Maybe you should have your husband talk to her and explain to her all the reasons that he loves you and would never want to be another women (just for the record...I would be in the room for that ...its always nice to here..lol). Good luck.