Am I Being Overprotective?

Hi C.,

You as a mother have a right to know what changes are going to be made before they are done.
I would nicely talk to her father and step mother and let them know before any more eye brow plucking, tattos, piercing, coloring hair etc I recommend we communicate so we are all on the same page. Then leave it alone.

I personally would say something to her. 10 is to young an age to be plucking eyebrows unless it has become a uni-brow, even then I would do it in moderation. You are not being over protective, just being smart. Let her know that you're the mother and not her.

Good Luck!!!

Dad should have asked you. Joint custody means sharing... EVERYTHING... you have a right to be upset.

Hi C.,
To be really honest, I would be mad at your daughter most of all! You told her "No" when she asked YOU if she could pluck her eyebrows so she goes to her father's and gets permission from him. You can't control what your ex says and does but you can expect your daughter to abide by the decisions you make. If you do talk to your ex, try explaining how important it is for your daughter that you guys keep each other informed. Explain the situation and come up with an idea on how to handle it in the future. Make the focus be on what your DAUGHTER did wrong and you might make some progress. Of course, I am assuming you have a civil relationship with your ex and wife. I wish you luck!
Sincerely,
L.
PS I'm a child of divorce and was a pro at playing one parent against the other to get what I wanted. My father was a BIG pushover and would let me do whatever I wanted. Whenever I didn't get what I wanted from one parent I would move back to the other parent's house. They weren't able to put their differences aside for my sake and the one who suffered was me. Of course, most children will go to the other parent to see if they can get what they want, not just children from divorce. My 3 yr old tries this and I remind her that SHE knows the rules and I expect her to follow them.

Your daughter asked you and went around you. She has just set the stage for the future. I don't get what I want from mom, I'll go to dad. As a child of divorce, you need to take care of that ASAP. Yes, address it with your ex and daughter. I would explain to your ex that your daughter had already asked you and you said no because _______( reason here). Then ask him to check with you in the future because of situations just like this. Then ask your daughter to be upfront in the future. Dad has to ask her, "What did your mom say?" or "Let me check with your mom first."

Stephanie

This response is coming from a stepmom... Unless you know that your husband and/or his wife knew that you had already said no, it really isn't their fault. Your daughter played the two of you against one another and she needs to be talked to. You, your ex, and his wife need to have open lines of communication regarding everything that concerns your daughter. You probably should have given dad a heads up about the situation so that he knew ahead of time what your feelings were on the subject. My stepdaughter (9 yrs. old) and I have a very close relationship and she comes to me with grooming, life, and other questions. Luckily, I have a good line of communication with my husband's ex, so she and I discuss things that come up. Recently, she asked me if she could start shaving her legs. I told her she was too young, etc. After I talked to her, I let her mom know what I had told her and asked what her thoughts were on the subject. We were on the same page and continue to communicate. This is something you need to start now. The requests are only going to get more serious. You all need to be on the same page with rules, decisions, etc. You are all parenting her together. I would definitely talk to them, but not in a confrontational way. You guys just need to figure out a system. Good luck!

I would be mad also. You told her no and she went behind your back. I wouldn't be mad at the step mom though. She is trying to be a cool friend right now and be likable. Talk to your ex about keeping things up for convo before telling them yes, not just yes, but maybe-lets talk to mom first.

With me being the stepmother, my situation is just a little different. I have had our girls at home with me for the past 8 years and the real mom would get them every other weekend. Things are starting to change as they are older and in High School now. But when they were little what ever I did, if it was big like shaving legs, dying hair, plucking eyebrows, etc. I always ran it by MOM first. She is their mother. But it went the same way with me too. Before she would do something like shaving legs, etc. She would actually talk to me about it first to see how I felt. Communication is key! Also, your daughter is 10 and old enough to know that when you say no to something then you mean it. We nipped that one in the butt the first time it happend. (Which is why our communication and relationship is good) But the kids need to know that if one parent says no to something then the answer is no regardless whether they ask the other parent or not. I would talk to the stepmother and ASK her to talk to you before she does anything drastic like that in the future. You have to remember that when she does things like this it makes her look like she is a cool stepmom and it helps build a better bond with your children. I wouldn't tell her that she can't do these kinds of things for your daughter I would just let her know that you would apprieciate knowing about it first. I hope this helps. It's hard being a stepmom and making sure that you make the right choices. If you have any other questions feel free to drop me a line anytime.
S.

I also agree with Love below. Your daughter manipulated the situation. It's not about the eyebrows, they will grow back, and step-mom was just doing the "bond" thing and totally oblivious that you didnt want your daughters eyebrows plucked just yet. It is about "If Mom wont let me do it at her house, I am going to try to do it at Daddys." You can see WHY it is important to stay in verbal communication with any and all adults that are part of the raising of your kids. You cant expect everyone to be on the same page you are if you dont communicate with them. If you do not speak to your ex's household then you need to gear yourself up for the occasional surprise when your kids come home from visits. The most mature thing for you to do is to talk to the ex and his wife and tell them that you would appreciate a phone call if they are making a decision that physically changes the kids, such as haircuts and the like. Also keep mental notes of things the kids have asked for that you have nixxed, and maybe mention it during drop off time.....just so the ex and stepmom dont get manipulated again.

Tough one. You don't want to be overbearing on one hand, but on the other, Dad's house isn't exactly Vegas -- what happens there shouldn't necessarily stay there. Also, you do want your girl and her step-mom to "bond" - even if it's over a dreadful eyebrow pluck! Perhaps you should focus more on establishing trust with your daughter so that your ground rules will be obeyed without involving dad and stepmom and getting "he said she said" situations happening. If your daughter KNEW that the eyebrow pluck was verboten, then really it's with HER that you have the issue. Try not to let it cause tension among the adults. As I say, it's a tough call, and as the child of divorce and a blended family (6 teenagers - 3 from each parent - all in one house! - Brady Bunch, I think NOT!), I can understand the balancing act required. Just remember who the adults are and who the child is -- good luck!

i agree, you should tell your daughter that it's wrong to go behind your back and get dad's permission. and for future decisions (big ones to come like dating, piercings etc) that you and your ex need to talk first. if she comes to you first, say i will talk to dad and get back to you and that you expect your husband and his wife to do the same thing. if both sides are consistent, your daughter won't have a "yes" parent she always goes to first. good luck.

You should say to them that you would appreciate them talking to you about anything regarding your daughter before they do it cause you all need to be on the same page and she will always go to the one that she knows will allow her to do what she wants. When she wants piercings and tattoos they will take her so put your foot down now and with her as well.

I agree with Love and Paige, but I also think you need to set some ground rules for future issues with your ex and his wife. Think over how you want to handle it in terms of what you say so they will want to be supportive. You might even say that you as your daughter's mom, are looking forward to helping your daughter through some of these milestones and have every intention of being the one to share them with her at the appropriate times. You might also share that you had already had a conversation about plucking and that your daughter went behind your back to get what she wanted. In other words, set some ground rules about being sure to communicate prior to things becoming an issue. I like the response that encourages your ex, his wife, and yourself to say, "I'll get back to you after I talk with your dad or mom." I really think it's crucial to set a pattern now as to how you are going to deal with things like this because your daughter will continue to test the boundaries....and we all know teens are not the easiest to deal with especially if they are getting mixed signals. Hope it all works out. All the best to you.

As a mother of a 10 year old daughter, I agree that ten is too young for tweezing eyebrows. However, I do know that at this age the girls are starting to point out imperfections in each other to boost their own feelings of importance. I regularly hear of ill-placed comments over who has a "unibrow" and who is "hairy".

We've discussed age 12 as the "magic age" for tweezing, shaving, wearing make-up and ear piercing for our daughter. For her it will coincide with starting junior high and approximately the timing of puberty when she'll start to care about those things. I don't want her to grow up too fast or look like a mini-teenager. She needs to be old enough to want these things and be able to maintain them herself.

I think for you, the bigger issue is communication with your child's father and step-mother. As the mother and primary caregiver you absolutely should have been consulted before something like that was done. Anything permanent or semi-permanent (ie that can't be "undone" with a bath or clothing change) needs to be discussed.

Hi C.,

First of all I want to say that you have the right to be protective over your daughter. Second of all, her dad has no right to override your decision when it comes to your daughter's sake. Third of all, she is way too young for that and now she would have to keep plucking the eyebrows in certain areas. They should've known better. Yes, you need to talk to your ex and his wife about the situation and that you don't approve of it. You and your ex need to set grounds for your kids when they stay at their dad's house or else. You shouldn't keep it in your self and maybe you should talk to your daughter about plucking eyebrows and how she would have to keep it plucked and everthing else that she goes through. Let her know that she is too young and that it is ok for her to say no to stepmother. I hope this helps. I have 2 girls are 19 months old and a 13 yr old. I'm very overprotective of my 4 kids. (2 boys too also) It is ok to be overprotective for the sake of your kids. Good luck and God Bless you!

I'd actually make a big deal about it with your x and the stepmom. Use this opportunity for all it's worth. After this there's ear piercing, hair dying/bleaching, hair cuts, pedicures, shaving legs, etc, etc, etc. I'd use the opportunity to make it clear that this is a bigger decision than it seems - if for nothing else than you had told your daughter it was too early. Since it did upset you I wouldn't let it pass until "the next time".

I don't think they're evil or anything :) sometimes what seems innocent to one person is a big deal to another. I once painted a 4yo's toenails and learned that is was not ok - it had never been done before. I'm glad they spoke up and cleared the air on this smaller infraction - it didn't occur to me it needed approval - just a fun way to bond with my neice. There is a slippery slope factor on these issues, so early is better.

Good luck, M.

say something. a child's body should never be altered without the mother's permission, providing she has at least partial custody.

Dear C.,
I definitely think you should say something. But try to be as nice about it as possible. Tell dad that you had already told your daughter that she was too young to pluck her eyebrows, so, in the future, when things like this come up, you'd really appreciate running things like that by you first and you will be sure to do the same for him.
You may not be together anymore, but you still have to be a team when it comes to parenting and you don't want your daughter to get in the habit of playing you both to get what she wants. Be sure to tell him that you didn't want to say anything at the time, you wanted to talk to him about it without either of the children around. Don't make it about the step-mother because that will just make him defensive. Just say that you really hope you can work on the communication between you before things like that are done from now on.
In most custody arrangements, it's stated pretty clearly that both parents have to mutually agree about things like ear piercing, when to start wearing make-up and dating, etc.
I hope her brows grow back. She's going to look pretty funky during that whole process, but she'll just have to live with it. Just tell her what I always tell my kids,
"Sometimes Mom says NO for a reason. I guess you just figured out what that reason was."

Best of luck!

I would say something. You have primary custody, therefore you should be consulted when it comes to things like that (plucking/waxing, shaving, etc.). You should probably have a talke with your ex about your feelings on those things now, before they come up. That way your daughter can't play dad against you (like she did with the plucking).

Hi,
You might be overwhelmed w/ advice by now....but, as a stepmom myself, I would have to say they should have definitely talked to you first.
Myself, my husband & his ex have had many conversations on this front and I've really appreciated her input. As a stepmom it's difficult to find my "place" with my stepdaughter so I tend to do what seems fun, safe, etc. within reason. The times that her mother has spoken up about anything I've really appreciated it as it helps me understand how my stepdaughter's parents want her raised. I feel this is their job and I am an adjuct/helper and just want to be a positive force in my stepdaughter's life. Anything beyond that is just confusing for all.
I say, let her know how you feel and explain that you'd like to be in on decisions, even at their house, when it involves your children. When it comes to rules, guidelines, etc. it will work best and most harmoniously if you're all a united front.
hope that helps.
M.

Hi C..
Most importantly, you had the presence of mind not to go off the deep end, start yelling at everyone and make an uncomfortable situation worse.
In brief:
* Daughter should be talked to, and possibly have small disciplinary action, for what looks like an 'end run'. If you do not nip this in the bud, trust me, it can -and- will get a lot worse.
* Depending on your relationship with the dad, you should also talk with him. Use the same non-judgmental tone you used in your concerned note. The stepmom was trying to do the right thing, had permission from Dad, etc., so there's no bad reflection on her (other than a bad tease job, which she can't help being without skill or taste)...It's just that you would prefer he deferred his daughter back to you for dressing tips, hygiene, etc. and you will refer her back to dad on his topic of choice. Mostly you need to create (or maintain) an information sharing stream. It is not easy. No one said it would be. But, it is absolutely -essential- moving forward in order to avoid mishaps, miscommunication, the children playing you against one another, getting twice as many presents, money, etc. (As it all starts to snowball when the manipulation begins!)
* Be glad eyebrows grow back! A few years back when my youngest son was 10 he would take the bathroom scissors and secretly cut chunks out of his eyebrows. Fortunately, teachers have seen it all and other children often times don't notice or don't care. (Let's hope they don't notice and tease...)
Bottom-line: It's a good starting point for getting communication going - in ALL directions. Eventually, you'll get it directly with the stepmom.
Good luck, and have patience. :)
K.

I have to agree with Love as well. Kids will play this game for a lot of things. (We've counseled divorced parents, the stories are overwhelming). But you need to remember, she is just a kid, she is looking out for what she wants. I don't think you should make a big deal out of it with the ex & spouse, they are most likely innocent. You do need to talk to your daughter about respecting when mom says 'no', but she is also stuck. She has no control over the fact that her parents are no longer together, she 'visits' her own father and his new wife. Kids lose big time in divorce. So, they make the best of it they can (I and my husband are children of divorce), and if that means getting what you want at one house, so be it. I feel very sorry for you, but you cannot control what happens when she is over there. If you approach it wrong it can be a volatile situation. I know many parents where the ex allows things the primary custody parent does not. If it isn't illegal or harmful, they don't have any control over it. Try to not make a big deal if her eyebrows don't look nice. Ask her how she likes them, offer assistance if she wants them done in the future, talk to her about the experience. And the 10 being too young thing? I'm not so sure. We think of that, but was she being made fun of? What does SHE see that she thought her's weren't good enough as they were? My 11 year old refused to wear some shirts until I got it out of her that she was afraid her armpit hair would show and wanted to shave it. Her self-esteem was threatened because of a little hair. Big deal, I bought some razors and she's fine. That's my take on it. I hope it helps a little. You love your kids and they love you. You just keep on loving them and being there for them. It may be tough in the next few years, but hang in there, mom, all your effort will not be in vain.
D.

I just want to add a PS note. I know this will not be popular, but in my opinion you need to apologize to your daughter. I believe that you should tell her that you are sorry for not discussing this with her further, that she felt so strongly about her eyebrows that she would go against your wishes to get it done. IF it comes up between you & ex & wifey, tell them that you had previously said no, and that maybe you all can discuss these types of issues further in the future. But he is her dad and has the same authority you have. So I'd tread lightly. You want to culivate a good relationship with step-mom and your daughter. Your daughter deserves that.

Hi C.

I think you should comment to your ex-husband that if he does that again, to at least spend the money and take her to a professional.

Since your daughter asked you she must have said something to her dad. He probally thought he could get back at you and do what you didn't want done. Don't let him cause problems between you and your children.

D.

If this is a sign of things to come, then I would say a sit-down is a must. Your daughter needs to understand that mom and dad are on the same page even if they are not together; and that they won't be 'played' by their little girl. Dad and wife should consult you for sure when it comes to body altering, no matter how minor it may be. Just the same, in the future you should keep them in the loop when it comes to things that your daughter has asked you for and you feel strongly against. The lines of communication need to be open, so there is no misunderstanding. Do be thankful that your daughter told you the truth. That is very important and should be encouraged.

And although my impression is that the step mom meant no harm, these are things that should be left to a professional, when the time comes. Explain to your daughter that when the time is right, you will have a girls day of pampering and introduce her to proper grooming rituals ; ) You can even include stepmom if it suits your relationship.

I am one of those people who let an amateur do my eyebrows while I was in cosmetology school. Let's just say that I wish I would have thought twice. My eyebrows never grew back and 12 years later, I am still filling them in daily!

Depending on your relationship with the stepmother, you may want to ask her very politely not to pluck your daughter's eyebrows. Hopefully she will be receptive and not do it again. Tell your daughter thin eyebrows look really bad, and FYI I know someone who overplucked her eyebrows and they never grew back in.

I don't think it's overprotective, this would really bother me too, especially if she overplucked her brows and made your daughter look cheesy. I tell my 16 year old daughter every time she makes her brows too thin - it doesn't go with her face.

And I agree with Love, below.

Yes, I feel they should have ok'd it with you. Just like in a house with just two parents. They need to each be on the same track and not over rule each other so the kids can't play one against the other. Since you have the majority of custody I think you should have been asked about it. As step families expand, so does the need for comunication because now there are 3-4 parents that all need to be on the same page. I'm sure your husband didn't see it as a big deal. I'ts just hair and will grow back, but he also needs to see that even though it is reletively minor all parents need to be united because divided you fall and the kids win which may not be the best for your young "decision makers".

When you speak to dad and wife (and I do think when not if), Make sure you appraoch it in a non-threatening way. Avoid making them feel guilty like they did something wrong. I really think they may be innocent here. YOu want to keep things civil so they will want to communicate with you in the future. Also be careful, when they do ask, not to negate all their suggestions. Talk with your daughter, maybe with the othere parents there. Let her know they are all on the same team to raise her.
Best luck.

You have primary custody for a reason - you were deemed the more responsible parent. Definitely tell the father and stepmother that decisions like this have to be run by you ESPECIALLY if you have already said "no" to something. The stepmother's behavior undermines your authority. Ten is a little young for plucking; paper thin eyebrows sound cheap. Stop this stuff now before they decide to give permission to do something more seriously offensive to your standards of upbringing - and by the way, mention to your daughter that "no" is still "no" even when she is at her dad's.

No, I guess had the SM done a better job, it wouldn't be an issue. But making her look like a Brat Doll is unacceptable. What's next, when she starts getting pubic hair, doing her bikini line?

I would say " Hey next time you want to make OUR daughter look like a Brat Doll, I require a consult first! Her eyebrows look like a teenager who doesn't know how to pluck. If she asks you if she can do anything regarding her appearance, or personal hygiene, can you please talk to me first." And since men don't understand the type of maintenance eyebrows require once you start doing them, he probably won't let her do it again. I would watch out for that SM she is probably the one who will buy your daughter her first thong panties.
At least if you allow her to do it, you can relay your guidelines. That way, you know that he isn't going to let her wax her bikini line, or start using a razor to shave her legs.

have fun!

You are a co-parent with your ex. If this is bothering you, then I suggest you bring it up. You don't have to be angry and ugly with how you do it. Just let them know that you would like to be consulted on matters regarding your daughter's body.

I would say something. You had already told your daughter that it wasn't alright. Just let your ex know that you would like to be asked about things like that before they are done so that you are both in an agreement.

If it were me, I would contact her dad! Make sure there is a common ground on what the rules are. It's important to provide your daughter with consistent rules. Don't let her play the two of you off of each other!

This type of thing should be agreed upon by both of the natural parents in my opinion... and a step-mother should respect the wishes of the natural mother. I would arrange to have a talk with them and try to get an agreement from both the father and the step-mother that such things will be discussed and agreed upon before action is approved either side. I think you need to agree to confer with them on any major thing you decide for your daughter as well. Even though you have primary custody, he is still her father, and his opinion should be respected too. Otherwise you will be on shaky ground trying to get such consideration
from him and the step-mom.
Even in two parent homes, children of this age try to do what my husband and I have always called "work both ends against the middle" ... in other words, the child goes to one parent for something, is told 'no' and then goes to the other parent to try to get a 'yes'. We soon learned to ask "what does your (mother/father) say?" Then we double checked with each other before taking the child's word on what the other had said. It cut down on that kind of playing us against each other really well. It will be more cumbersome for you, with the two households and one extra adult involved, but is worth the effort.

I would feel the same way, very upset!! The step-mother crossed a line. I deal with my ex's long time girlfriend quite a bit, so if I were confronted with your situation, I would call her and speak with her directly. Not in a confrontational way, but simply tell her that you and your daughter had this conversation, and you told her "NO, you are too young." I would ask that in the future it would be nice to have both parents consulted, not just her father, in situations like this.

Fortunately I am able to communicate with my ex's girlfriend pretty well. She would NEVER dream of doing something like that with my daughter.

That is so frustrating!!!! Im so sorry. However, the good news is they will grow back. Your daughter will just have to deal with the transition phase to normal eyebrows, as a result of poor adult judgment.

Love R, Grandma T M, and Laurie W have the right of it.

If you had said No, and then told your ex and his wife that you said no, and they gave permission anyway THEN you could be mad at them. This did not occur however. What occurred was, Mommy said no your child said I want to do it anyway. So she asks Dad who likely thinks this'll be a nice bonding thing between her and step Mom.

So yes, talk to them, but to make a game plan on how to prevent this sort of disrespect from your daughter. I bet there are things that she doesn't get over at Dad's that she gets from you.

Hi! I happen to be a stepmom myself. Being a mom myself I can understand how you feel about your daughter. However, I do feel that you should not over react about the situation. Coming from experience, a confrontation will still affect your daughter.More than I can count my husband's ex has called and complained and gotten angry about things such as clothes and hair cuts and many other things. Even when the choices were made by my step kids. There have been several times when my step daughter would call my husband and tell him she was sorry that mommy got angry with him. We explain to her that it was mommy's choice to get upset and that it wasn't her fault, but I think she still feels it was her fault. It has happened so often that now when we go to the store to get clothes and shoes and haircuts, instead of thinking what she likes she's so concerned whether her mom will like it. Instead of asking me if I like something, she'll ask do you think my mom will like this and let me wear it. It does worry me. I want her to feel confident in her choices and not always worry.

on the other hand, I can appreciate your situation. your her mom. You don't want anyone to interferre with how you want to raise your daughter. I feel the same about my own child. But one thing I will always remember is what my step daughter's therapist said to us. We have to let go and accept what happens at each other's homes. Whether we agree with it or not. She told us that my husband and I should not try to dictate how his ex should do things at her house and she should not dictate how we do things at our house. Of course she said the exception would be if we thought the children were being hurt or in danger. But that bit of advice has stuck with me. We both have tried to live that, but of course it doesn't always end up that way. I do know that when my husbands ex does call us up about something it does get very frustrating whether it was done peacefully or not because I feel that I have walk around egg shells with my stepdaughter because i never know when her mom will be upset again. If it's really bothering you then maybe you should ask them if they could give you a call and a heads up next time. Just remember to do it in a way that your daughter won't become afraid to make her own choices.

I don't think you are over reacting in how you feel, but obviously there is a contructive way to go about expressing your concerns. Being that your ex is a man and does not understand the girly things like eyebrows and maintainance, etc I can see how he wouldn't think much of this. However, for the step-mom, she does understand and 10 is a bit young to go through that, albeit we grew up in different times... I would just have a candid conversation with the 2 of them privately and mention your dissatisfaction with the situation, and mention that in situations where it involves your daughter you would like to be involved purely out of respect and vow that you will do the same in return - and of course this will only work if you actually do the 2nd part. I'm sure the step-mom was only trying to bond with your daughter, but there are other ways to do it, other than going against what Mom said.

Good luck-
Steph

dear C. THE key is taking with her father that you are on the same page so your daughter does not play both of youto get what she wants butsome times we have to really think about what battles to pick. she is the one who now has to live with what she has done. some times it is easier to teach they the right way to do things . My daughter loves lipstick at the age of five. she went on a trip with my mother and instead of saying no you are to little she thought her how to use it and got very very light lipstick that was hers to use . when ishe was in had some say about it she only wore it spearingly. I think if I would have say no all the time it would have been a power stuggle. but she needs to know if you say no her dad should say no too. well good luck S..

Of course you should have been called. What a horrible thing to do to a 1o year old. She's much too young to have to worry about that, especially if they were going to be that extreme. Completely inconsiderate. I'm so sorry. C.

C.
I have not read all of the responses, however, do we know if your daughtetr might have tried to pluck her eye brows on her own and stepmom rescued the mess?
Children can be unpredictable and your daughter heard your response. Maybe she did not like what she heard?
I would give everyone the benefit of the doubt and forge ahead with understanding an a discussion of what is acceptable and what is not.

A.

I don't think you are being to over protective but I would pick your battles. At 10 I think it is alittle young to do you eyebrows but I know that alot of people don't feel the same way that I do. But on something like that I don't think your ex should check with you first. Now if it came to piercing ears or something I think that is something each parent should discuss before just doing it. I would let this one go

Well, I would gladly take plucked eyebrows over a wine cooler any day (my ex thought it was OK to let my daughter have a wine cooler at age 11.) I'm sorry to say that this will probably be the first of many things you and your children's father (and step mom) are not going to see eye to eye in and my rule of thumb is as long as it doesn't do any harm (plucking eyebrows is somewhat debatable) I'm not going to worry about it. I've had to learn to live with many differences, so I just talk with my kids a lot about who I am and why I think different things are important. Remember, you have primary custody, so you have the primary influence.

If you have any kind of working relationship with dad and / or step mom you could brooch the subject with them in a curious way to see their point of view. You can share your point of view and see if maybe some agreements could be made. But if not, you may have to accept that they do things differently in their house than you do in yours and let it go. Some things you don't have control of. I am a control freak myself, but have come to grips with this fact.

I would be curious to ask my daughter if she liked her thin eyebrows. Maybe she doesn't like them... My daughter made the mistake recently of shaving off her eyebrows (don't ask me what possessed her) and I just happened to read about the Mayan people who value big bushy eyebrows as beautiful so I told her this story. An artist who was trying to work his way into the good graces of the high society of a Mayan village allowed them in to watch while he worked. They had such a high regard for eyebrows that they insisted he put them on the animals in his paintings; even frogs! Anyway, after not having eyebrows at all for a while, she now values her thick, but nicely shaped natural eyebrows.

My girls are 11 and 12, so I know what you're going through.

C.,

As a mother, I believe you have the right to express your concern and dismay for what occurred. I believe a phone call to their father is appropriate. Express to him your concerns, her being too young, the fact that you forbid her from getting her brows arched and how unhappy your are with the end results. Be sure to keep the conversation cordial so he understands that it is from a place of concern and not condemnation. Ask him to pass this information on to the step-mother.

I understand your stance, not wanting to start problems, but as your daughter nears and enters her teenage years, these type of issues will continue to surface. As long as you all are on the same page and have an understanding, it will be better. Lastly, I recommend talking to your daughter about her actions. She is after all at the center of this situation. Inform her that certain rules and behavioral expectations are in place in either household and that when your tell her "no" it applies to both your home and her father's house as well. By keeping her father informed and having an on-going dialog regarding your daughter will ease any tensions and show your daughter that rules are to be followed and that she can not manipulate between the two households.

Best of luck,
T.

As a stepmom, I would say a little. I completely understand you being upset. Did you communicate this with the dad? If not how is he suppose to know that you and your daughter already discussed this. We had sort of a similar thing. Our son wanted to color his hair black (he is normally brownish / blonde), we told him when his grades are up he could. Well their mom didn't tell us that they already discussed it and she said no until....xyz happened. My feelings are 1) its hair it will grow out, same with the eye brows. Use some pencils to fill them in for right now. 2) why should we have to run EVERYTHING by the mom. It's our house, nothing harmful is happening. I am a big girl and their dad is a big boy he can make decisions on his own. I feel that if the mom had such strong feeling about it she should have stepped forward saying it was already discussed and that the child may try to come to you about doing it (we all did that as kids). However me personally I do believe that 10 is too young. My stepson who is 15 (I have been his step mom for 13 yrs) had to wait until he was 14 to color his hair the first time. I also believe with so many other things out there the kids could be involved in or get into, stuff like this just their way of expressing who they are. Remember they could be getting into some real trouble out there. Until the father makes some unsafe decisions, let him parent. Remember your parenting style and his are different. I don't think the primary custody has anything to do with it. We have 25% and their mom has 75%, its been that way since the beginning. As long as he is paying child support and caring for the kids, taking on his role as a parent, being involved.. he shouldn't have to ask permission to do everything (as long as it is safe, and within court papers guidelines). I don't mean to sound mean and I see where everyone else is that you have a right to know, remember so does he. Be nice about talking to the dad and say I should have said something to you but this is my position on the issue. Next time we should communicate about this stuff more.
But your daughter should definately be spoken to, cause she knew (just like our son knew- which we spoke to him as well) and she played her father and stepmom.
That wasn't cool.

Your ex and his wife are behaving outrageously! Especially because eyebrows don't always grow back. Obviously calling them up and yelling might not be so useful, even though they really deserve it.

When you calm down, you need to sit down with them and talk about what kind of decisions they should consult you on and vice versa. Give them as much credit for wanting good things for your daughter as you can. Try not to make this into a fight b/c then they may end up doing things just to spite. Open the lines of communication (maybe even mostly with your ex's wife to show her you aren't trying to reopen things with the ex) for your daughter's wellbeing. Try "As another woman, I'm sure you..."

This is especially important to deal with before your daughter becomes a full-on teen and really learns how to exploit the situation (tatoos, peircings, claiming to sleep at the other parent's house when really out doing who knows what).

It may not work, but it is worth a try. Your daughter is just doing what kids do--figuring out what they can get away with. Let her know that this is a real boundary and really make it one.

It seems like it is time for a talk about make-up and bras and the healthy expression of sexuality. Ask her why she was so interested in shaped eyebrows. I'll bet another girl in her class is doing it.

Let your daughter know that when you tell her she is too young to do something that you are worried because when young women dress older they can get themselves into situations they aren't ready for. Help her find age appropriate ways of dressing up and be open to her need for self expression so that you don't create rebellion. As she gets older, help her figure out ways to respond to situations she isn't ready for.

If you want to be included in her decisions when she is older, now is the time.

Aww. 10 years old is so young to be thinking of beauty modifications like that.

I feel for the stepmom(s) who have answered well here, and as a mom to my only daughter (and no one else's), I wonder if you can find an agreeable way of letting everyone know that if your daughter wants a haircut, eyebrows tweezed, etc., anything that will change her daily appearance, that she please let you know first.

"She" in this case being your daughter. Not the stepmom.

Maybe it is something you can discuss first solely with your daughter; she may have asked her stepmom to do it, and doesn't want to tell you so as not to hurt your feelings. I would talk to daughter first and gently find out what exactly happened -- and let her know that she is always allowed to set comfortable boundaries for her own body. In other words if stepmom really wanted to and it wasn't your daughter's idea, daughter has permission to tell that adult "No". In the event that she asked and allowed her stepmom to do it, remind her to please be honest with you no matter what. ;) She also has permission to tell the truth.

The other thing to consider is that no matter whose idea it was, your daughter will form her own ideas about whether the tweezing was beneficial or worth the ouches or initial stranger in the mirror. I would say gently chalk this one up to a learning experience, and remember, :) they'll grow out again.

Best of luck to you; take it as a learning experience for everyone and try to see it through your daughter's eyes. If she is secretly pleased, don't be too h*** o* her dad and stepmom. And at the same time, let everyone know you would like this type of thing to be your domain.

I have an 11 year old and I would feel the same way...so many people are trying to "grow up" our girls way too early. It seems petty, but it's more than just plucking eyebrows, it's stepping up into another level of maturity. My daughter has also asked about eyebrow shaping etc and I turned her down. I would speak to her dad and stepmom in private with much respect and request that things like this be discussed with you in the future. These are little milestones in her life that you want a say on and be a part of. May God bless you, I hope everything works out for you and your family.

I would be ticked! My step daughter is 13 and wants to dye her hair, she asked me one time if she could do it, I didn't have a problem with it...we called her mom and she said no, well, parents stick together, so needless to say, she didn't get to dye her hair!
You might want to tell your daughter that if she keeps plucking her eyebrows at her age, when she gets older her eyebrows are going to be very big and bushy. I have a friend that used to shave the off when she was younger and now that she's older they have grown in larger then normal and now she "has" to have them done!
good luck

This subject is dear to my heart. I went through the exact same thing. First tell your daughter that any requests that are "girl" specific you would like to be involved in. Second have a nice conversation with her father that you do not want her step mother making these decisions. It should ultimately be up to you. Ask him to manage your expectations. If the conversation is friendly it should be no problem. If your husband refuses to take care of his wife then by all means ask her directly for her cooperation.
That is about all you can do. And I know it is frustrating. We went several rounds over this. I ended up having to speak with her directly and managing my daughters expectations as well.

This is not an issue between you and your ex and the step-mom.
This is an issue between you and your kid.
If you turn it into a fight with the other adults, you are missing the point.
Your daughter, who is old enough to know what she is doing, deliberately played the adults off against each other to get what she wanted.
It was not wrong of your ex, when asked by his daughter, to say yes to her.
It was not wrong of the step-mom to do a bonding, girly thing with her step-daughter, when the girls' dad had okayed it.
It was, however, very wrong, sneaky, and deceitful of your daughter to go behind your back, and do something she knew you had expressly forbidden, and to set up the adults in her other home to take a fall for it.

Face it, neither of these people looked at your daughter and thought, gee, I'd love to get at those eyebrows.
Your daughter, however, wanted to do this, despite your previous refusal.
The result is she had her way, went behind your back to do it, and as a result has your pity (that it looks crappy), and you are only mad at her dad and step mom.
Looks like a win situation for her.
If you don't want this to turn into a really bad pattern, this is behavior you need to nip in the bud, now.

The answer is better communication among the adults.
And I don't mean simply you being "over-protective" or necessarily setting all the rules.
To being with, calm down.
Eyebrows grow back.
And your ex and the step mom didn't do this in order to disrespect you.
But the three of you need to establish some communication norms, and some general guidelines for the future.
I would then frame the issue as presenting a common front in the upcoming teen years.
Since the last thing you want is her playing this little game over things that matter more.
The three of you adults need to decide NOW, together, your ideas for things like piercings (yes/no, when, where?), cellphone usage, dating, coed parties.... everything.
And I would have this discussion adults-only.
Then present your daughter with the new rules.
For example:
No bodily changes without a phone call between parents.
No overnights with new people without a call between parents.
And notice I say "between parents" - after this little game I wouldn't set it up to have her deliver "messages" between the households.

Sorry, I'm sure she's a great kid, but this was not a great thing for her to do.

Hi C.

No, you're not being overprotective. I'm in the same situation. My daughter is 11 years old and she wants to already shave her legs. I told her 'not until she gets into junior high'. I also told her that I will be the one teaching her those kinds of things. She also wants to wear makeup. But I also said NO. I haven't spoken with her dad's new wife but her dad knows how I feel about these kinds of things. In fact, it's in our court order that I make all decisions regarding school, health, etc. Plus I don't think that my ex's wife would take the initiative to do that. I think your ex's wife should have asked you first or talked about it with your ex and he talk to you about it. She is much too young to get her eyebrows tweezed. You should say something to both of them. take care. hope all goes well. single mom of 2 kids- 13 and 10 years old

HI C.:

I think that you should have said something. They have to remember that not only do YOU have primary custody of your kids, but they need to understand that they dont make decisions about your kids with out consulting you FIRST. Obviously your daughter needs to be spoken to as well, but she shouldn't take the blunt of the talk, she was helped by her stepmom. I agree that you should do it as politely as possible, but... I would say something.. that's just me. Good luck!!

I'll agree with Love. Your daughter is the one who is at fault. She asked dad for permission (and I'm sure she didn't tell him that you had already said no!); he said yes; SM is being nice and trying to bond with your daughter, her stepdaughter. Kids are good at playing one parent against another, even when the parents are married to one another. So you need to talk to her about the whole issue. And with any luck, she is not happy with the way her eyebrows look. Do listen to what she has to say about why she wanted so much to get them done.
And, yes, talk to your ex and his wife about this, and about the fact that the three of you need to be in communication about how she is raised, but don't try to micromanage their parenting. It can be very hard to figure out what issues will be a problem. Dad and SM will let her do some things you may not be happy with but she will learn that there are two sets of rules. Don't undermine one another.
Good luck.

I think you should say something, but not in anger. I believe those are the types of decisions that all of the adults need to agree on and it is also important for your daughter to learn that when mom tells her she can't do something, she is not allowed to go ask dad to do the same thing. You and dad need to be on the same page otherwise she'll play one against the other and everyone will lose. I raise my granddaughter. She goes to her mom's one weekend and to her dad's the next. Neither parent ever does anything like this without consulting me. I am the primary caretaker and we are very careful about all of us making these types of decisions together and with everyone's input and majority consent. It works great for us and let's my granddaughter know that there is plenty of communication and she can't get away with asking a different "parent" when one has already said no.