Advice for My Daughter

You don't have to "act" on it, BUT you can make the teacher aware that there seems to be an unhealthy dynamic going on. Don't wait for "real" bullying. It needs to stop BEFORE it gets there. So keep helping her with strategies, but give the teacher a head's up that there's something uncomfortable going on.

I would play act some scenarios that have happened and help your daughter to come up with solutions. You can start by using dolls, and then move up to actually acting it our yourselves. Take turns being your daughter and the Mean Girls.

We do this with my daughter whenever there are some bad social situations. It seems to prepare her and she feels more confident.

She was getting picked on at school by a boy. The boy would pick on her until she got mad and lashed out. The problem was, she would get in trouble for lashing out! And if she argued with the boy, they both would get in trouble. We didn't think it was fair that he would pick on her and then she would get in trouble for defending herself. Multiple talks with the teacher did not help as this was happening on the playground during recess when the teacher was not there and there were only lunch aids helping.

By playacting several solutions, she did learn how to ignore the boy and walk away. But not just ignore, she would walk away and start talking to someone else.

We also taught her the right way to tell an adult. You don't go up to an adult and whine that someone is being mean. You tell the adult exactly what happened in a non-whiny tone. Not that your daughter is whiny, but I'm just merely saying that's one of the things we drilled.

I feel bad for your daughter, I hope she can stay strong! Girls pick on those that they can, so you daughter can keep herself from being a victim by staying strong.

ETA When someone said something mean to or about my daughter, we've taught her not to say mean things back, but also not to ignore because usually the person just keeps saying it until you respond. Instead, my daughter looks that person dead in the eye and says "Why would you make such a rude remark?" It seems to work the best! She's confronting the person's remark, but calling them out on it in front of everyone else. Usually it's enough to make the child who said it pause, because it's not the response they were expecting. They were expecting a rude remark back (which is part of the game) or ignoring. In both cases they are free to continue to ridicule. The important part is the look on your daughter's face, it needs to be practiced. She needs to be able to look that person dead in the eye and say it with confidence.

If the other person says "Well, you deserve it!" or "Well, it's true!" then your daughter, with the same seriousness, can say "No one deserves to be treated this way." and then walk away.

I GUARANTEE, if done correctly, it works. It even works on adults. This suggestion was actually adapted from Miss Manners' suggestions on how to handle rude adults.

What it does is it calls the bully out, without being mean. Most bullies do not want to be exposed in this manner, and usually they will stop.

Please read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" and talk with your daughter about some of the tools within.

http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Real...

And here's one your daughter can read for herself. http://www.amazon.com/Stand-Yourself-Your-Friends-Bossine...

Have a chat with the teacher - I bet that she will have excellent advice for you. And she can also keep her eyes open to what is happening so that she can stop any behavior that might turn into bullying.

Also, encourage your daughter to make new friends. It will be hard for her but keep on encouraging.

First off, good for you for remaining calm and not flying off the handle, you obviously understand how girls can be!
Telling her to ignore it probably isn't a good idea, because as a child it's a lot harder for her than it is for us adults to turn the other way. Instead I suggest lots of talking and role playing with her, and most importantly, encouraging her to seek out other kids when they are excluding her. "Oh, that wasn't very nice of them, did you look around for someone else to play with? How about Sally, she seems nice" etc.
Some teachers are very sensitive and good at dealing with these issues so don't hesitate to give the teacher a heads up. Maybe she can help keep an eye on things and intervene if/when necessary.

A great book written for kids is called The Meanest Thing to Say by Bill Cosby. It's written for the character Little Bill and really helped my daughter see a different way of thinking about this situation.

Blessings!
L.

I can so relate to your question. It sounds like one I would have written when my daughter was in second grade. We had the exact same issue. My daughters 4 closest friends went to the same class but not the one my daughter was in. Then the "girly cattiness" began. It got to a point where my once eager to go to school child dreaded the thought of going instead.

As it turned out my daughter took dance that year and wouldn't you know it a little girl from her class was in the same dance class. That helped! Then another little girl who had been in my daughters first grade class who was also now in this second grade class, began to reach out. Perhaps if you know any kids from class, have a play date.

So things did get a little easier and she was able to make some new friends. Just keep doing what you are doing and don't hesitate to clue in the teacher. Not for them to solve anything, but to keep an eye out. I have no words of wisdom, unfortunately, other than you will get through it. Just be there for her, which it sounds like you already are.

Unfortunately, little girls can be cruel. All you can do is tell her to ask them why they are so mean if they bother her. This is just the beginning, so hang on Momma. Girl drama is the worst.

hi does your school or state have a no bully policy? i would start there. it stinks when your excluded..but unfortately that is how some people are.

it doesnt sound like the clicky girls are very compassionat. good luck

J.

Encourage her, my 3 y/o can verbalize to others "I don't like that" or "that hurts my feelings". Are there others in her class she can hang out with? It's a tough lesson to learn poor baby, but it happens. Keep encouraging her to express herself, with time it will get better

Personally I don't think ignoring works too well. I think boosting your daughter's self confidence is key, and if any nasty words are given to her, she should throw them back. If it's bitchy cliqueishness, try talking to the teacher, and also just go over strategies for dealing with that. such as making new friends, such as being open and friendly, to see if possibly your daughter is putting off a shy vibe and they are then not responding to her?

Friendships are a very important part of school and not having friends can make your kids VERY unhappy. I would not ignore it.