My Daughter and Friend Are Being Bullied at School & Afraid to Speak Up

Dear C., I too, have 2 daughters, 20 and 23, I had a similar problem when my girls were young, I too tried all the "walk away" remedies, but it didn't stop, with one adult for every 20 kids its hard for them to be everywhere, so I told my daughter to walk right up to this child and ask if she really wants to fight her, or if she really just needs a good friend; she did this, and to this day those girls are still good friends, most of those problem children are looking for attention, if all the conventional responses haven't worked maybe this will!!

Being Bullied is VERY serious. It does a lot to a childs self esteem. For the full time working mom I understand Im in a similar situation with my 13 yr old daughter and her friend and a youg boy. I finally had to take time form work and go to the school speak with the vice princpal and get things worked out. My daughter filled out assult forms and things are now being taken care of.

It seems you have got some good advice. I am the parent that would have been on the phone asap and if it seemed safe to the child I would have called the parents. I have a child who seems sweet and compliant so the bullies usually try and glaom on to her. Little do they know she is stubborn and strong and full of self worth. I taught her some tactics of not letting the other person get her engaged. Such as imaging the person with a goofy tail or something else that makes them look ridiculous. (clear instructions to not shre this image as we don't want to begin name calling etc.) Then it was easier to just let it go and walk away. I'm glad you girl has a friend to help her through this.
Again, I am my childs advocate and I contact the teachers and school all the time. E-mail is great for this.

C.,

Speaking as a former bullied child on the playground, you need to go higher. If the teacher and principle of the school aren't doing what's needed to keep your child safe at school you need to do something more. Go to the superintendent, or board of directors. Whoever is the next boss above the principle.

I was bullied terribly from 4th grade until I graduated high school. The "sticks and stones..." mantra was useless words hurt deeper and longer than physical bruises. And it was hard to avoid the bullies at recess, and even in the classroom.

If the school isn't doing what it takes to keep your daughter safe, go to the district. You are your child's best advocate. You have to keep her safe. My father was not there for me when I needed him, PLEASE be there for your daughter now when she needs you.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

C.,

I am a mom with three girls, two of whom are in the public school system at similar age / stage. Since October, I've become increasingly involved with safety concerns in our district and have been doing a LOT of research in this area. I recommend you pick up a book called Safe At School - Awareness and Action for Parents and Kids Grades K-12 by Carol Silverman Saunders. Also, a great book that has stats re: things like bullying and other behaviors on the rise in our nation (which is connected to so many other issues in our culture - that effect children and their welfare / future) is Born To Buy, by Juliet Schor. In her book, she talks about the new "Alpha Girl" as well. Both great resources with lots of helpful ideas - easy reading, plain English.

I also recommend that all of us parents get more up to speed on the issue of safety - there's a lot of very good reasons to be more informed! A good place to start is the National Crime Prevention Council's website. Did you know that you can take advantage of FREE and helpful publications on this stuff - you can either view them online or call request hard copies (all sent to you free) - I just received a stack and some titles are very good! Their site is http://www.ncpc.org and one feature on preventing bullying is at http://www.ncpc.org/newsroom/current-campaigns/bully-prev... - you'll find a lot of other stuff available there, as mentioned.

I will also share my personal view as, along with all recent research and participation (which I NEVER expected I'd be doing), I've come to the new understanding that, regardless of how busy we are as parents, it's actually OUR job to get in and ensure our children are safe at school - OUR job to recognize that these are OUR schools, effectively, and we have a responsibilty beyond paying taxes and voicing concerns. This can be a tough pill to swallow in light of all the demands on our time - it's hard enough to do what we do in any given day, let alone make time to get involved at school. But - it's vital that we do.

Also, I believe that Schools and principals and teachers mean well and are doing the very best job they can with the resources they have. I believe they are sincere. However, they have concerns that aren't always the exact same as ours (makes sense - their daily reality isn't the exact same as ours). They have a unique perspective to parents, as they deal with ALL kinds of issues, parents, etc. Silverman has some great suggestions on how to work with the schools to get what you want, on behalf of your child(ren) and all the other children who are equally deserving of safety and security while at school. She also suggests we parents go to the local library and browse some issues of Principal Magazine - just to familiarize ourselves with how principals may think about parents (at least, as represented in this type of publication - she points to common titles like, "Parents Say the Darnedest Things" and "Whine Busters" and "Five Strategies for Managing Angry Parents"). Again, my opinion - but I think it's good to appreciate how we may not always see eye-to-eye and that, just because we don't, doesn't mean parents have to take a back seat - public schools are our schools, by definition, so we definitely have a responsibility to speak up and get involved.

The other thing I'll just mention is that, just the week before last, we had FIVE school shootings in our nation (in one week!). At this point in our history, I truly believe it's important for us parents to insist on making time (together), to work toward changing things for which we share an obviously valid concern in our schools - making sure our children (AND OUR TEACHERS - children are not the only ones at risk when things go wrong...) are being kept safe to the degree WE expect, not just the degree others believe is 'safe enough' or 'handled' for us (whatever meets given standards / criteria), by law.

I can tell, by your email, your daughter has a great example being set at home - you're not afraid to ask questions, get involved and problem-solve. My feeling would be, if the measures that are being taken still leave your child with anxiety, stress or fear (in or out of the classroom - and the playground is a whole different subject!), then there need to be other measures taken, to ensure this issue is not impacting her AT ALL, in her daily routine. A ZERO tolerance on the part of the school should mean exactly that - ZERO. How can children learn if they're stressed about their own safety in school? In your case, it actually sounds like the school is responding to you so far - so you are likely in a great position to get somewhere on this for your daughter - it may not be the solution that works entirely best for her/you YET, but it doesn't sound like they've totally ignored your concerns, whis is a GREAT thing!).

Challenging as it is, making some time for this critical subject in our already crazy-busy lives is crucial. I am an entrepreneurial mom, so I know well what you mean by working full time - but I've come to a point where all my research leads me to the understanding that I can't NOT make time for safety concerns - there are issues, currently, that we cannot afford to ignore... It's an even more challenging thing for parents who aren't incredibly active PTA volunteers, showing up at all the meetings or volunteering in the classroom all the time. But, just because a parent can't be there 24/7 or have the flexibility to pull their child or whatever - that doesn't mean they have any less right to protection for their child.

Like I say, I've come to appreciate that schools have a LOT to do each day and all kinds of parents to deal with. While it's my instinct to rush in and say - this is a problem, fix it - I've come to realize that I owe more to the situation. I have to help the school toward achieving a result. And it's clear by your email that you care enough about your daughter to make some time to do that for her. You shouldn't have to pull her from school and you should be able to go to work with peace of mind, knowing she's relaxed and not in a situation of risk to her personal safety. So - good for you for posting this concern! I thank you for the opportunity to see that there is yet one more parent out there who is willing to reach out and problem-solve on this subject. Our children are SO important! You are a fabulous mom for doing more than wringing your hands in worry - you have taken steps and they will lead you on to more steps that will, ultimately, benefit your child (and others, likely, as well!).

Best,
T.

Hi C.,

I am a former first grade teacher from the Public Schools and we ran into these problems quite a bit. My best advice to you is make a lot of noise. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! You can ask for your child to be transferred to another classroom. You can ask for weekly conferences with the principal. It sounds like the school is doing everything they can right now but getting these kids under control is very difficult so protect your own child. If you make a big deal of this then you insure that at least your child will be getting the most protection because the principal and staff will hear about it big time if anything happens to your child. If there are problems at recess and lunch then that child needs to be with the recess teacher and lunch teacher the whole time. She can also be escorted to and from the bathroom by a teacher. There are lots of things that are a royal pain but that they can do. You can be sympathic to the staff and appreciative of them but you can also insist on them protecting your child.

C.,
My son was bullied when he was in kindergarten. The bully lived on our road about four farms down, so not only were they in the same class, they rode the bus together. Our school was doing all they could and I had spoken with the teacher and principal. What I found out later is that the parent of the bully was not notified that there was a problem. I also found out later when I tried to contact her about the issue, she would never return phone calls.(This may have been the issue for our principal too.)
Here's what worked for my son. I put him in TaeKwonDo. This gave him confidence and the ability to protect himself. When I spoke with our bus driver, he had noticed that my child was different and showed more confidence. To our good fortune they moved that summer and we haven't seen them since. The interesting thing I noticed when I would volunteer in the classroom is that the bully was in such need of attention and instant gratification. He was very sweet. (My husband thinks that his own father must have been mean and emotionally abusive to him.)
The bottom line. If the school believes they are doing all they can do, then I would contact the parent of the bully. I would put my child in some type of martial arts so that they can learn to protect themselves or kick butt should it come to that. Also contact the school board or the school district superintendant and notify them of the problem.
Since this happened in our school, the rules have changed. If there is a student who constantly shows these aggressive behaviors, they are kicked off the bus for the remainder of the school year or suspended from the school and sent elsewhere. (The rule is three strikes and you're out.)
Do all you can to protect your child. Also, very important, take pictures of the injuries and/or get a doctor to document the injuries so that if it should ever come to it, you have evidence to prosecute the parents for not taking care of their child properly and/or the school for not protecting your child.
Like I said earlier, the parent had no idea that her son was a bully. (This has been fixed in our school now)
Good luck and don't forget to take pictures of the injuries.

I feel so sad for you and your daughter - this has got to be though on you both. I can’t believe that this is happening so young. First grade and with girls? I really liked Julie's comments about the letter - definitely do that.

But also have you thought about asking your older daughter to help your younger one? I am assuming they go to the same school. A bigger older sister having a 'talk' with this bully about leaving her little sister alone might help.

Do you know what this little girl looks like, who her parents are and where they live? I would find out and have a chat with the girl’s mom about what is going on. Even just introducing yourself to the bully might help. A 'Hi - I am 'O's Mom - aren’t you in her class - what is your name?'

I know that you work (so do I) but maybe you can take a vacation day to 'volunteer' in your daughter's classroom. You may learn alot about the situation and your appearance may make the bully back off.

Good luck with this - I hope that it improves soon and your daughter can go back to enjoying school.

I had the same problem from 1st to 4th grade with my son being pick on.There always seemed to be one kid in each year that would pick on him. I did the same as you, I would go in and talk to teachers and principal and nothing seemes to be getting better. So I was feed up with it and started asking around about a better school. My friends kids were going to a charter school. I did not know anything about charter schools so I called them and go their hand book. I read it all the way through and then decided that I wanted my kids to go there. It has been the best thing I did for my kids. My son is now passing in school. I hope you have a chance to check out a chater school, it worked for us.
Amanda

I think it's time to talk to "A"s parents about this. The teacher can't watch them every second, because she has to teach the class and other children. The principle may be able to set up a meeting. In any case this childs parents should be involved.
This is a tough call, but I think your child and her friend may be being targeted by this bully, because they show weakness (nothing wrong with that). You may have to teach your daughter how to stick up for herself and not be a victim. I don't mean hitting the other girl back, but the write words or actions can change everything. As soon as she shows strength and defiance against this other girl, "A" may try to find someone else to pick on. Girl "A" probably should be in counseling and my guess is her parents don't care or don't have the resources to help her.

I understand about wanting to protect your child from any harm, but what about child A? Has A's partents been involved in this situation? This child must be hurting in some way and this may be the only way this child knows how to get the anger out. I know that is't not safe for you child, and she is afraid to speak to child A. Ask your daughter to pray for this child it may help your daughter to cope with the haterd that child A is display towards your daughter. The teacher or principal should be contacting child A's parents and getting coulseling for child A. If this isn't happening be persisted to make this happen. It's hard to confront a bully, but in most cases this is the only way it gets resolved, But with 1st graders I think there is more behind the scences with child A. Most bullying happens in old childred. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and her friend. I hope my words help.

D. C.

I am so sorry that your daughter is being bullied. That must feel terrible. My advice isn't how to stop the bullying, but maybe for how to put it in perspective for your daughter. This is a great time to talk to your daughter about why people hit. It's more than likely that the bully is beat up either physically or emotionally at home and is acting in a way that she is familiar. I promise you that a little girl who attacks other little girls has serious home problems. How sad. In whatever way you want, you could talk to your daughter about the fact that this little girl is probably living in a hostile situation and either gets beat up a lot herself, or gets ignored by her parents.
As for your little girl, be proud of a person who won't hurt another person no matter what. I think that is a great attribute that shouldn't be lost. I don't know her, but if more people were like your daughter we would have a lot less wars and a lot less killing in our society.
I know that you had mentioned you worked, but what if you went to the school when you had time and met the bully yourself? Don't make a big deal about it, just volunteer in the classroom, make yourself a presence in your daughter's world.
It was my experience that the kids who had parents that were in involved in the school weren't picked on as much. I think it's because the staff at the school are a little more protective of a child that has a parent they know and like. It's not right, but true.
I wouldn't start a legal battle with the school, rather try to make peace with the situation by understanding the bullies behavior and taking in the fact that you have raised a peaceful child. Maybe not the most admired thing at six, but a revered ideal as we grow older.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.

For a short time, I worked as a Kindergarten teacher. I am currently raising four children, three of which are boys. As you can imagine, we have a lot of issues come our way. This is my suggestion. First, arrange a meeting between the principal, the school psychologist, the teacher, your daughter and her friend being bullied, and the bully. It would be nice to include a parent from each of the children (including the bully) as long as strong emotions and crude remarks can be held at bay. A good example from parents is crucial at this point!

At this meeting, rules would need to be set in place, determined by the school psychologist/counselor, teacher and principal. The discussion would be led by the school psychologist, a discussion would begin about what is taking place, how it feels, and problem solving ideas, etc. This meeting should take place weekly until the problem is solved.

Teaching our children at a young age to face and solve the problems that come their way, is one of the greatest lessons they can learn. I wish you all the best!

C., I can relate! My daughter went through something similar that is only now beginning to correct itself as the kids get more mature themselves in 3rd grade. But I am concerned that it has permanently affected the social atmosphere in her class--a small school with only one class in each grade, so they will have to learn to deal with each other somehow.

We did not have physical bullying, but instead emotional bullying of the type that some girls are experts at.

This must be terribly frustrating for you and frightening for your little girl.

I would offer a perspective from the child who is acting out...has she seen a counselor? There are a number of things that may be going on with this little girl--it is not "normal" to physically bully, but may stem either from a situation in her environment that she has no sense of power over other than to act this way, or from an internal issue that may later develop into a full blown disorder if it is not assessed early.

It is not your child's job to take the effects of this, but it may be that the consequences to your child could bring some good to "A" if it leads to her getting some help. A teacher's job is already so challenging that it is not surprising her response to "A" is to simply place her away from other children when possible--but this neither helps "A" nor the other children to change the inherent problem.

I would strongly suggest to the school administration that a mental health counselor become involved with "A" and her family, both for your daughter's sake and for "A"s sake.

Fiora

THis is unacceptable. THe teacher is probably as frustrated as you are - she cannot force her boss to take a stand. However, Washington state has very strict anti-bullying laws. Go to the principal one more time. Tell him that you expect the bullying student to be monitored during recess, at lunch, in the bathroom, and in the hallway. Tell him that you are going to be taking pictures of every mark on your daughter from this child, and that you are going to be filing a police report. Tell him that your next step will be to contact a parent advocacy group to explore legal action against the school district for failure to uphold Washington state laws and failure to provide your child with a safe school environment. I know this sounds extreme, but bullying is hard to prove - there has to be a pattern according to the law. And as a teacher, I can tell you that getting an administrator to take action, particularly at the younger grades, is extremely difficult. The only person who can make that happen is you. The child who is doing the bullying is also desparately in need of help. The crime is that any first grader should be afraid at school.

You've gotten some good advise from some other Mothers! Do not let this continue to happen to your daughter! When something like this goes on and on it can damage the heart of your child and they might never tell you! I would write letters to those who have the ability to do something. Or, I would insist on moving my child to another class or another school.

I also liked the karate idea as well! Stand up for your daughter! She will love you for it! K.

No child should be afraid to go to school.It is obvious this child has issues & perhaps something is going on in her that is contributing to her behavior.In my opinion the school needs to look into the underlying issues with this child.They are not doing thier jobs,there are many red flags here.I would INSIST that the school get thier school mental couselor involved & even call children services.They should be reporting the instances of violence against the other children.It sounds as if your kids are not the only ones affected if they are going to lengths to keep her so seperated.If you feel the school is not doing enough then get in touch with the superintendent of schools.Above all don't just let it go,you maybe helping this child as well as your own. K.

My daughter went through the same things but is in High School, she ended up changing her classes and lunch around to avoid being around the 2 girls that were threatening her. I also had to call the school principal and threatening police and legal action if it didn't get taken care of.

Maybe it is time to take it out of the school's hands. Report the photographical evidence to the police. They should go directly to the parents, and maybe that will wake the parents up to the job they have to do. You may also want to think about changing schools. I know it's a hard change on a child, but they will live through it, and probably find that they are happier somewhere else.

Hi,

If it were me, I would threaten the principle with a lawsuit. Clearly there is an issue (they seem to acknowledge it), but the behavior is still happening. Has A been suspended? There should be a no tolerance rule. It is the schools obligation to protect your child. Yell until you are heard!

Dear C.,

This must be scary both you and your daughter. I'm sorry it's happening. No child deserves to be bullied.

Having been a teacher and a child and family counselor, I suggest four things. They both require you're being a detective.

1. Meet with A's parents and discuss the situation. Find out what they are willing to do.
2. Go to the classroom yourself and observe the situation.
3. Have a conference with the teacher one-on-one and work out a plan.
4. Meet with the principal and find out what actions s/he will take.

It is the responsibility of the school to protect the children as best they can. Your involvment should move things along.

C., please let me know what you do and how things turn out in this very difficult situation.

J.
____@____.com

Julie M has great advice about writing the principal and the school superintendent. If it is in writing they respond and have to. But I would take the one to your school and have the office date stamp it and give you a copy. Send the one to the superintendent certified. Keep a copy for yourself start a file keep all paperwork about this in it. If you get emails from teacher or school about this, print and keep copies of these in file also. I know that the Portland School District has an anti bullying policy and they loose money if there is documented bullying. I am sure the other school districts have one too. I would look it up to see. My oldest was bullied in grade school (not to the extent of physical but verbal) and the other boys and him went to mediation for it and it worked out. What the school is doing is not enough and you need to take it up a step and write the letters.

The school needs to be responsible for the safety of all students, and you should meet with the principal and teacher, and invite the parents of B to attend, to insist on their supervising A at all times if necessary.

What about A's parents? Counseling for A? Confident, happy children do not repeatedly hurt others.

I would be asking the school administrators how they plan to handle this behavior. It is obvious that they know about it if she is being escorted and does not participate with the class activities. I would ask if a special education self contained classroom would be more appropriate for her. They have staff that are trained to handle kids with behavioral problems. Do not back down, your child and the other have the right to an education free from fear and bullying. The impact that this behavior could have on your daughter's education is critical. Good luck to you.
B.

If "B"s M. is a stay at home M. why doesnt she go to lunch and recess and help keep an eye out. One if my twin boys was getting bullied and it went as far as a broken arm at recess. I started to go up and be there during lunch and recess and it stopped almost immediatly. It sounds like the school doesnt realize that bullying is against the law and not doing anything about it. The child that was bullying my son actually got suspended for a week and he was only in 2nd grade. Almost sounds like the school is afraid to take action? Have you tried to contact the parents of the bully? I hope things get better, I know how hard it is when they are going through this and it is tough. Keep your head high and I hope things look up soon for the girls.

It sounds like "A" is lashing out at your daughter and friend because she is lacking and sees a strength in your daughter that she does not have. And may not be receiving the positive and active attention your daughter and her friend do. So perhaps another remedy, would be to befriend this "enemy" and to love her. Bring her a small gift, and really try to meet her where she is at. Maybe she just needs a friend. And doesn't know how to behave properly, lack of parental involvement etc. This may be a great opportunity for your daughter to learn how to make a positive impact in someone else's life, by taking a little extra time to care about this "bully." And let her know that the behavior is not accepted. If she wants attention, she will not receive any positive attention from acting poorly, hence why she is being excluding from things, and set to the side. But, that with positive changes, she can be included again, and will gain and win favor from teachers and students alike. And maybe inviting her over your house where you can monitor their play. And maybe bake some brownies together and have a sleep over?

Do you remember the "Little House on the Prairie" episode where they had a bully that no one could stand up to? Finally, the class realized that they could not stand up to him one at a time, but as a group they could, and so one recess, they all gathered together and gave the bully a bullying.

I realize that in this day and age, legalities and all, that that probably could not work, but a modified version might. Are those two girls the only ones she is bullying, or are there others? Perhaps if the bullied kids all stuck together and provided a united front (while the teacher looks the other way), the bully wouldn't be allowed to bully.

Also, as the mother of a potential bully (my son is huge and not good at relating socially); perhaps the girl just needs to be encouraged to use words and to be told (again and again and again) what is acceptable and what is not regarding social behavior. Either she just needs to learn good social skills (which she is not learning if she is being isolated and separated like she is) or she has a mental problem and needs bigger help.

I would tell the girls to talk to the girl that is bothering them and maybe the bully will open up and everyone could be friends.

Try responding with an invitation for one on one time with your daughter and the bully at your home. Maybe you can turn the situation around to a friendship by loving support of both your daughter and the bully. I think the bully is looking for friendship the only way she know how. If that doesn't work try speaking with the Mother of your bully and talking with both of the girls in the same room at the same time. With your support your daughter should be able to stand up to the bully and your problem might be solved.

I wish they would tell A's parents that A will need to be homeschooled by them until she/he can learn how to be nice to classmates. I know this will never happen, but I went through this with my daughter, and the school does nothing!

I'm not really condoning fighting, but I'd be encouraging your daughter to defend herself. If the school/teachers are unable to get the bully under control, then your daughter needs to (at least to a 1st grade level). A shove for a shove, a scratch for a scratch. There are community school classes for karate, ect...

It's very sad to hear that school is not a safe place these days.

E.

I don't have anything to add, but I quite agree with EVERYTHING Julie M said. In my home country, if a child came home to say he/she was being bullied and/or physically attacked, the advice given the child would be to defend him/herself - if the bully hits, you hit right back, but never be the aggressor. The bullying usually ended right after the first fight, and a lot of times, the children would become friends! But, like Julie M says, it's illegal, so.....
But, yes, your daughter should learn not to be afraid and stand up for herself, and you HAVE to write the authorities and A's parents need to be involved. No mention was made of them - do they know?
Good luck.

Have you tried talking to "A"'s parents? Has the school spoken with them?

Obviously the school acknowledges there is a problem and are trying to do something about it, but the behaviour is not stopping... I would think the only thing is "A"'s parents need to get involved and it doesn't sound like they are.

I hope you, the school and "A"'s parents can discuss this and come to an agreement that will fix this!

Good luck to you!

My son went through a similar thing when he was in elementary school. The real "words" to use to get people to take action were when we stated that he was being "harassed" by other students. For some reason the word "harrassment" seems to get more peoples attention. Since harrassment in the workplace is not tolerated these days. You may have to have a family meeting with the principal, teacher, and "A"'s parents. They should be made aware of their childs behavior, and that legal action can be taken if not addressed. That worked for us....
Good luck!!!

Wow, its just sad to be a parent and know that your child is being bullied and you cant be there to protect her in the moment. Have you tried or the school contacted the parents of "A" or had a conference so this can be put to bed. I know my niece was in the same boat a few weeks back and shes in 9th grade, and finally when the ignoring and walking away didnt she finally blew up at her bully and then the bully wanted to fight. But since it then became a big scene, the bully got suspended for a few days and her parents were finally called but on the downside my niece got 2 hours of saturday school for yelling at the other girl. Now how is that for the "no tolerance policy" our school district has. I suppose that wouldve been fine if the girl just bullying my niece 'forever' especially since a few teachers already know of the problem, but did nothing about it. Had she not spoke up it wld still be going on today. The bully is no longer bothering her, which means her parents must have finally been made aware of her actions. I say get on those parents asap and that doesnt work, well then I would contact the school district school board, get on that principal and every other staff member at the school who knows this is going on! Dont let that child keep yours from feeling safe and happy at school. First grade or not, thats just bad behavior and it needs to be stopped.--T.

First off, let's make it clear I am not a full-fledged profess
ional. It sounds to me, child A, is being segregated from the rest of the class @ story and share times. This is not helping her and so she takes her frustrations out on your daughter for either 1 or more of these reasons. (1) she just plain she doesn't like your daughter for whatever reason and so your daughter ends up wearing it. (2) Maybe some ways during the class day, your daughter is singled out by the teacher becauses she does good work or behaves exceptionally well, and the teacher singles her out for this good behavior.But I'd tend to go with this one, phone the other childs mother and set up and appointment, and the 4 of you get together and hash this thing out. Let each child have their say as non-interrupted as possible and then let them brain storm to see what they can do about this problem so both children to co-exisist harmoniously. The Moms can have their say too. When all the talking has been finished, formulate a plan that is in the best interests of the child,. Then go to the teacher and tell her what you've done and suggest the teacher start including child A in the groups and when she acts up she has to be removed. It won't be easy but I think the long term benefits will work fine. On the off chance they don't, you might have to change schools for the the well being of your daughter.
Good luck and if you can, please let me know what happens. I care.

If I was you I'd insist they put her in another class. That would solve it. If that doesnt do it then you could go higher than the principal there is no reason your little one should be coming home with any marks from other children. Either that other child needs to be removed or yours needs to switch classes.

I just couldn't help but respond. It gets me so sad for your sweet girls to think of some brat bullying & hurting them... I know times have changed, but when I was in 1st grade I would get off the bus at my grandma's house crying because of a few bullies on the bus. My grandma went to the school and had the boys called into the principal's office to talk. She told them never ever to tease her granddaughter again and I think she freaked them out. I also think she threatened to call their parents (or maybe she just did). Though I know parents don't always care but it would be worth a shot. I didn't know about that until years later when grandma told me her trick. But one day the bullying stopped and those boys never teased me again. We ended up being friends in high school.

Hi C.. I am so sorry your daughter and her friend are dealing with this. It truly amazes me that the school hasn't gone to further extent in regards to protecting these children. Some information I would like to pass on is this:

2001 Oregon Laws, H.B. 3403 Requires school districts to adopt policies prohibiting harassment, intimidation, or bullying no later than January 1, 2004

This school has a responsibility and is REQUIRED to take action against bullying. It sounds like they are not doing their job and they won't until you and B's mom make them do it. The previous advice of writing a letter and documenting everything is very good. Take pictures of the marks (scratches, bruises, etc.) and keep a log of the incidents (whether marks are left or not).

I also suggest you set up a meeting including yourself, O, B, B's mom/dad, A, A's mom/dad, teacher, and principal. Getting everyone together, in the same room, will help to get EVERYONE on the same page with what is expected and it leaves no room for interpretation. Including the children in this matter might solve it right there. When children are brought into meetings like this, they sometimes get scared into straightening up. When everyone is together, make your point that this will no longer be tolerated.

Also, don’t let O be a victim. If she becomes too afraid to say anything and stick up for herself, she will endure this for the rest of her life. Talk with her and let her know you are on her side and you will help her through everything. Having your older daughter talk with A is a nice thought because all siblings should stick up for each other, but I would be very cautious about this. You don’t want anyone claiming that your 10-yr old is bullying a 7-yr old.

Good luck with all of this… and stay strong.

I think you should teach your daughter how to fight back and defend herself. Yes, violence is not the only answer, but it seems that you've exhausted the other possibilities, and sometimes bullies just need someone to stand up for themselves in order to learn that they don't have all the power. Enroll her in a martial arts or mommy & me self-defense class, improve her self-esteem, and give her an option other than fear.

I tell my children to NEVER start a fight BUT if someone hits them they are to hit them back twice as hard. They are also instructed to come to the aid of someone being hit because it is the right thing to do. It is the reality of human nature. Sometimes violence is necessary. Hit her back and deal with the consequences. Better to deal with disciplinary action from the school than to have her continue to be victimized. Not a good pattern to start teaching girls to cower and hide. Just my humble opinion. Good luck.

If the principal and teacher are not able to protect your child then I suggest you call a school administrator. My daughter is the type that attracts bullies and the school has always been able to protect her enough that she was able to be successful in school. Keep advocating for the kids and don't give up.

Good luck!
J.

C.!

I will resond to M. S's advice to you. M. S is right. You really need to set up a meeting with the principal along with the other mother who's child is having trouble with child A. Child A's parent(s) must be neglecting her.

You need to make it a point to tell your child every single day to stay away from child A. That has to be done every day. You also need to re-inforce to your child to not put up with that nonsense. Be strong and don't take it. Your child can ask child A "why are you so mean?" "Being mean doesn't get you any friends." C., kids are and can be extremely mean. Unfortunately, your child has to put up with that mess. But your child really needs to start standing up for herself. That'll teach her to be responsible and protect herself.

This is what I would do if it was my daughter she is 7 and in the 1st grade as well and your story just infuriates me. I would aggresivley go into the school straight to the principle and demand that it is taken care of immediatly or you will take it to a higher authority I guess that would be the police . I don't care if your child is 5 or 18 it is assualt and our children should not be afraid to go to school. It has gone on long enough that child needs to be pulled out of school she is a danger to the other students and I know you said you work full time so its very hard for you to do much but someone needs to stand up for these children its not right!
Anyways that is what I would do.

I was bullied a lot at school, and eventually did not speak with other young girls because they are at such a competitive age when they first start elementary school. The fact that O and B have each other to confide in is great, but other than a couple of self defense moves to help protect against the scratches and bumps, what you are doing is ideal for a public school. Also, the fact that your daughter feels comfortable telling you this is another great thing. Just stay concerned and involved and keep her confident in herself. Maybe tell her how strong she is, and intelligent and that all people may be created equal, but she is doing a better job at holding her temper than A and that you are proud of her for that. This may insure some strength into her and one day she will be able to tell A to knock it off, that she does not deserve it and no one will mess with her or B again.

I am so sorry to hear about this. The same thing happened to my son, and the school did absolutely nothing. It sounds like your school is proactive.