6-Year-old's Difficult Behavior on Playdates

Anytime a difficult phase is happening, no matter where, you have to address it. Since he's 6, and knows under no uncertain terms it's not allowed, you need to enforce it a couple of times on a play date-hovering or not, and then he'll stop. It's like anything else, they only do it when you're on the phone, or in public, or on a play date a few times until they see it's not allowed.

Whatever you're going to do, make it very firm and enforceable in the moment. What's more egregious than being unkind to his friends and developing a personality that will make him unliked? Let's say you're going to make him sit away from his friends for 15 minutes while he goes and does a hard chore, and then needless to say, he's also lost some privileges that will need to be earned back as well as having the consequence-but the delayed removed TV is not enough to address the behavior in the moment.

Before the play date, warn him that you will be watching him, and the first time he is rude to a friend he will be removed from the group for x amount of time and will ....move the firewood-whatever (six is plenty old for hard chores-my 5 year old daughter helps move wood), and if he throws any trace of a fit, the consequence will increase. He will ALSO then have to behave for a week to earn back the privilege you gave him to start with-the TV. Be sure to explain to him exactly what being rude to his friends entails, so there is no confusion when you warn him.

Unfortunately, you really have to do it. Tell the other parents you're working through a thing and warn them too and ask them not to say, "Oh it's OK it's OK" etc. when you enforce his consequence. They will respect you taking charge.

Hover. Spy. When he does it, go give him one calm reminder that he's being bossy, speaking rudely, whatever, and he's about to lose TV for a week, and if you have to remind him again he will also leave his friends and do X just like you discussed. If he continues, remove him to do x. If he tries a fit, deal with that separately and firmly. You don't have to get flustered or mad. Bite louder than bark. At his age it shouldn't happen more than a couple more times because he'll believe your warning the next time.

This is occurring at this age because it hasn't been handled firmly. You're right the surly 'tude needs to go if he is going to be a well liked person. Don't bother rewarding behavior that should be expected in general, like politeness, other than the occasional, "I love you, I'm so proud to have a polite gentleman for a son" comment with hug, but of course praise him when he changes his behavior after your warning if it's something new he's learning.

It will help HUGELY if you are consistent at home when he displays a bad attitude for any reason, even if there is no sharing situation, that way he knows how to change the attitude quickly at a warning. If you crack down at other times, the play dates will get much better.

I wouldn't recommend removing play dates, he needs practice and consequences to get this right. Just firm up. Time outs and removed privileges are sort of "empty voids where consequences should be" which is why he still has the attitude. Sure, he should have to earn back a lost privilege like TV after he has proven the 'tude is better, not have privileges "just because" when he's got a 'tude, but he should also have an immediate negative effect, like a hard chore if he makes a wrong choice despite your warning. This is good for his character as well as being a good consequence, and you can get some help in the process.

Good work addressing this. My kids don't always have to share either-with each other, but they sure do with friends and they are not allowed to be mean. They were firmly disciplined at the first attempts of that. They go to school with a few of those "My kids don't have to share" types and all I can say is..ew. We avoid them. Its very frustrating to us parents who actually taught our kids how to be nice, and now they're getting bossed around by rude kids who think their toys are so precious.

You need to remind him that when you invite someone over to your house to play - you must share your toys and be considerate of what your guest wants to do. Also, let him know if he continues that behavior, you will stop having his friends over to play - period.

You are correct in that the other kids will not want to play with him if he acts like that. Additionally the other parents will stop including your son. If my son had a friend who did that he wouldn't be permitted to play with him-sorry if that sounds harsh. It IS an egregrious infraction to treat friends like that...almost pre-bullying behavior really if not actual bullying. Have a long talk with him about sharing and why it is important. And how we treat our friends with respect and politeness. And tell him that the next time you hear him being rude to a friend you will send him to his room and end the playdate. And stick with it.

I would also reconsider rewarding him for being polite. He should be doing that automatically by now for no other reason that it is how we treat people. Not to get something.

I am a great grandmother and also a retired nanny, early childhood educator etc so I have observed this kind of behavior both in homes and at day care.It is not unusual. Punishment is not usually helpful, but modeling the kind of behavior that works well and especially planning in advance can help a child who likes to show that he is in charge of his possessions, and can help him improve his social and "hosting skills". He is not too young to start thinking about how the other child feels by realizing his own feelings.

Talking about the play date before it happens and putting toys away that he doesn't want to share or take turns playing with his friend can help set the stage. "What toys do you think your friend would like to play with?" "Do you think this would be fun to do together?" and then while you are supervising their play, you can use some of the same words as a subtle reminder to help him keep focused on being a good host.

He will get beyond this and learn what makes a good play time and what makes other children like him and want to come to his house, but these things are not just learned over night.

I remember a little girl coming to complain to me about my son not wanting to share toys with her, thinking I was going to punish him or make him do something. I knew that he loved having her visit, so my response was to tell him that if he didn't feel like being friendly and sharing with his friends, his friend would have to leave. They immediately figured out a way to work things out.

This of course wouldn't work in a setting where no one person owned the toys. They need to know what is "mine" and what belongs to all of us and turns have to be taken. Using a timer to help determine how long a turn lasts is fair and they accept that since it shows no favoritism. It is very hard to learn to share what you think of as your own. It is not always easy to realize how much more important friends are than things.

He is a normal little child and as you know it takes a long time to learn to be a good host. And a little adult guidance and demonstrating and talking helps.
Blessings on you for caring and best of luck as your child learns and develops..

Great grandma N.

He will figure it out. It's part of growing up and learning how to interact with others. He'll learn the lesson better if another child says to him, "Hey, I'm going home. You're not being nice.: It hurts to see your own child be shunned but it's temporary and the lesson sticks for a lifetime. You are a good parent to worry this much but it's one of life's lessons that might come better from a peer than a parent...

It happens.... because it is in 'his' home.
He is... reacting to that.
Being bossy, makes him feel in control, over 'his' things and his territory.

When having a play-date AT your home: beforehand, talk with him about it, and let HIM decide, what he wants to share or not. A child, does not have to, share everything. Then, he can either put those things away, or close the door of the room. And you as the Mom can simply say "this room is off limits..." to visiting kids.

I NEVER make my kids, share everything, when friends come over. Especially my younger son. He is 4. They know, they do not have to. Some things are just too special to them and they do not want other kids touching it. No biggie.

Talk with your son, BEFORE the play-date and before the kids come over. Tell him, you understand, and he can decide, which things to set aside. And that it is okay.

He is also reacting that way, because maybe he feels overshadowed, or that he does not know how.... to communicate... about options... or alternatives. Instead of just saying to his friend "I don't want to do that...", he can say "I don't feel like it, what about we play ball instead..."
Or, if he says to a friend "That's mine... don't play with that..." teach him, its okay to say that, but teach him how to say it politely. Instead, he can say "Please- don't play with that...."

There have been times, my kids' friends have come over. They are all over the place touching everything. IF a kid is touching something that is off-limits or not pleasing to my child... I WILL tell that child "Sam does not want to share that. Please put it away, that is special to him... you can play with something else."
I also don't believe, that a child visitor, CAN just grab and play with anything and everything in another person's home. Just because they are a 'guest.'

So, it is, to me, about defining for your son as well, that it is not just about being "polite", but about with you, being able to say what he wants to share or not. And if he does not want to do an activity, then teach him how to say, an alternative.

Yep, you definitely don't want a kid that doesn't share and is rude to his friends. In our house starting at two years old the motto was "we always share." It was not up for discussion. I made it happen at the park or at home or wherever we are. My kids didn't have to like it they just had to do it. Now they're used to it and I believe happier because of if. Kids that share are better liked because they are viewed as nicer and kinder. They have more friends which helps with their self confidence and all around outlook. You've won half the battle because you see there's a problem. So don't be afraid of hovering and then immediately putting an end to any unacceptable behavior. You're not being a helicopter parent, you're being a loving, caring parent that is TEACHING your son how to behave. Talk to him before, during and after the playdate, enforce consequences and soon things will change. Good for you for not letting it slide.

Pretend with him, tell him you are his friend and then get down on the floor and play like he would play with one of his little friends, and when he gets bossy with you that's when you teach him the right way to play. You need to role model it at his level. I had a game I used to play with my kids when they were about that age, I would let them bonk me on the head and it turned me into their friend named "bobby".. and then I would just act like I was their age and did what they did. I think that type of play with him would allow you to make the necessary adjustments. I do agree with the other poster that stated it might be him being territorial while at his own home and he's probably not like that when he is somewhere else playing.... I would research that and see if that's the case. That way you KNOW he does know how to play nice and share he just doesnt like to do it under his roof with his current house rules.
Oh, and dont forget to have him bonk you on the head again so you can turn back into mom. If you cant get him to bonk you then bonk yourself (because sometimes that happens, they dont want you to turn back into mom) :)

I think it is partly the "only child" thing because only children are not used to sharing things or having to play by someone else's rules. I think you need to teach your son empathy. After the play date you can have a quiet conversation with him where you point out some of the comments you heard him make and then ask him to take a minute and put himself in his friend's place and think about how he would feel if someone said those things to him or didn't let him play with their toys while at a play date. Then, just to reinforce it, you can also do some subtle things like he does and point out that this is what he did to his friend and now he sees how it feels. i think empathy is the ticket. Kids do not learn it anymore and it shows in our society!

His friends will correct this behaviour for him. Don't start telling him what to say, but explain to him that BOTH he and his friend will have more fun together if they share toys and decide what to do together. Get a basket or something and let him put away his special toys for 'safe keeping' during playdates. Don't hover. He's not hurting anyone, he's just learning how to function outside of your family. It'll take time :)

Sounds territorial...how is he when your playdates are not at your house? Consider that...once he realizes that no one wants to come over to play, he may have a change of heart.

If he isn't hurting or picking on another child, and is merely being assertive, why try to change it? It's part of his personality, and rather than trying to get him to please everyone, let him be who he is.