How Do I Cancel a Playdate Nicely?

K.,
Why not try plain old honesty? I know that sounds strange, but this way, you will not feel trapped, guilty or like you need to avoid future invites. A super nice mommie like this child has, understands and knows her child, it may not surprise her.
Let the mom know that you think very highly of her and because you do, you must share what happened when you talked with your daughter about the playdate.
Try telling the mom that when you mentioned the playdate to your child she became apprehensive and informed you that this child does not play nice. Ask the mother if that has been mentioned by anyone to her before. Tell her that you usually let your child pick the play dates but you are willing to come along so that you both can observe to figure out if there is something the two of you can adjust. (If you want to give it a try.) If not tell her that play dates should be agreeable between the children, that you are sure that she would inform you too if the shoe were on the other foot. Be nice, I am sure that you will, and stand firm. You want to protect your child, and you can avoid future bangs, bruises, breaks, hurt feelings etc., for you little one from this other child. Leave this door open, as the children get older, you may have to walk through it again.
It's okay to say no. It's okay to be honest.
I hope you find a resolve for your dilemma.

2 moms found this helpful

Tell the truth. This teaches your daughter to do the same.
You can still remain friendly with the other mom; and perhaps one day the girls will get friendly again, too. So leave that as an option for the future. You may tell your friend that you feel badly; but that your daughter's resistance at the present needs to be acknowledged.
Yes, it's awkward; but making up some lame excuse is like any lie: it WILL come back and bite you in the butt...

2 moms found this helpful

I agree. Be honest and tell her the girls don't seem to get along with one another and a play date isn't a good idea. I've been there and I really understand feeling trapped. It's a horrible position to be in. It's good to know I am not alone. Expect the Mom to be defensive, hurt and angry no matter how polite you are. She'll probably take it as criticism of her child but life is short and oh well! There is nothing you can do about that and your daughter's feelings come first. Save your sanity and make your daughter happy. She should have some say over who she plays with. Nice is overrated. Don't cave in. : )

2 moms found this helpful

K.,

First of all, do not take Corrine G's advice! It is horrible when a person is forced to do something they don't want to do! Respect your daughter's wishes and don't make playdates with this girl. Make playdates with people your daughter likes!

Just keep telling the mom that it is a very busy time in your life, and that you haven't been socializing too much lately. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I had a similar experience with my son and a friend of his. He insisted he hated the boy and didn't want to play. I tried to talk to him about why but never really got an answer. I insisted that they get together to play anyway at least this once and try to work things out. I talked to him about how we treat people and respond if they treat us badly. That he needed to be polite and give him a chance. Turns out they had just bickered about something before and were mad at each other. They ended up playing and getting along great in the end. I wouldn't cancel the plans if I were you. Firstly, because you deserve to hang out with a friend of your own. Explain to your daughter that she should give this other girl a chance. Maybe they just need to work something out. Tell her to be open minded and try to have fun. If they don't get along after this time, then let her know in the future that you will meet with your friend alone. But she should really make an effort to get to know her outside of the classroom before she claims to dislike her so much.

1 mom found this helpful

If you and the mom get along then just talk to her. Sometimes little girls just don't quite "click" together for any number of reasons. That comes and goes throughout the growing up process. Anyone who has been a little girl at some point should understand.
Don't go out of your way to avoid these people, but you don't have to plan playdates either. You can't just steer clear of everyone you don't get along with that great in life. Easier to learn to deal with that as a child. In case you do happen to be invited to the same social events, don't just take your daughter and leave. Have a good time regardless. Maybe the other child needs an example of how to be nice from people her own age?

1 mom found this helpful

Hello K., I think it's perfectly ok for your daughter to pick and choose who she likes to play with or be friends with. In terms of canceling, just tell her you are having a very busy summer. If the Mom is super nice, maybe you can invite her to meet up with you and your friends for Moms night event.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm curious what a "COTA" is.

My response questions to you: did your daughter specifically request this prior to your arranging it? Is this person in your circle of friends?

Initially I would guess you are going to have to flake out on her to the extent that she finds it undesirable to make plans with you.

Personally I would get to the problem of the tot drama and discuss the child behaviour nicely with the mom. She is not going to know there is something to fix if she is oblivious to it.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,
When my daughter was 4, we had a playdate with two other girls. My daughter was not sharing, bossy, and really just not nice. She is not usually like that (I hope!) and I would have been really sad for her if her friends had not given her another chance. My daughter is 6 now and they are all still good friends. Truth be told, we all have our bad days and I think that if you get along with the mother, you said she was very nice, I would give it at least one more shot and kind of gauge how they play together. If the truth is that the little girl is not nice, I would politely let the mother know. Nice mothers want to grow nice daughters. I would be embarrased but I would want to know if my daughter was not nice to others. I also would want her to know that the truth is the best policy. I hope it helps to hear another side...
P. O.

1 mom found this helpful

Assuming you accepted since you say "cancel" the plans and providing the other girl isnt bullying your daughter in any way, I think a great opportunity has arisen for you to teach your little girl a very important skill. I would not cancel the date. I would promise from here forward there will be no more, but since the commitment has been made, you should show her how to get through it. After all, how many situations are you in as an adult that you have to just smile and get through. Also, in a subtle way you are teaching her to lie (not good, you know) Its a fib and most of us do it, but I try not to with the kids. It teaches them that deception is easier than the truth. I'm sure you are a good Mom and I dont mean that to be offensive. Like I said, most of us do it at one time or another. I would be sure to supervise the girls and put a stop to any poor behavior as soon as it starts and make the playdate a short one.

The other way you could go is to just say the truth. I had to tell my best friend one day that if her daughter wasnt nice I would have to leave. My son was so upset the time before when I mentioned getting together he asked me if his friend was sick and is she feeling better because she never lets him play with things. I wasnt about to subject him to that again since he was obviously upset and feeling bad. You may want to address specific behavior with the child before time. (e.g., "Girls, I expect you both to share and remember nobody is the boss") This way if the behavior starts to get out of control you can easily say, "We have to go, the girls aren't getting along well."

Try to plan a date with minimal interaction, like a movie and a quick lunch. This way lots of time is taken up with the movie, and the girls are supervised during lunch, assuring that you can step in if necessary.

Spend some time teaching your daughter how to be assertive. Simple statements like "Don't boss me around I don't like it" or "Its my turn now, please give me the ball" things like that. This way when the girl does act poorly, maybe your little girl can stand up for herself. You will be giving her the gifts of assertiveness and commitment and who knows, maybe the girl will behave better than usual and a few good times may be had.

As for the future, I would just respond we cant make it and I'll call you, my calendar is soooo booked up. 2 or 3 times and she will get the hint. Nothing to be offended by.
Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I think it's important to respect your daughter and allow her to chose her own friends rather than "force" her to spend time with people she doesn't like just because the moms are friends. How to handle this depends on your relationship with the mom. I recently had to have a talk with a good friend of mine about how our daughters pretty much tolerate eachother and get along fine when they are in a group, but would prefer not to have play dates with eachother because they just don't really have very much in common. Soooooo... if you are afraid of hurt feelings and aren't close enough to the mom to be comfortable with that truthful conversation, how about a small group playdate where you invite AT LEAST one other girl? Then, if something specific happens where the other girl is mean to your daughter, you can have a specific reason not to schedule another play date because when it comes up again, you can truthfully say that the last time you were together that XYZ happened... and/or that you just don't think your daughters have very much in common. Bottom line, though, is I personally do NOT think your daughter should have to spend one-on-one time with this girl just for the sake of teaching her any lessons-- I think the more important lesson is her knowing that you respect not only her feelings but her choices in friends.

1 mom found this helpful

Don't give in to your daughter she should learn to deal with everyone. Don't let her grow up to be a little snot.