5 Yr Old Very Stressed About Daddys up Coming Deployment

L.,
Glad to know you're not going to show her the 9/11 tapes. It would be too upsetting. I know the military has a great program where the deployed parent videos reading stories to their kids. The kids have the books so they can follow along. I recommend looking into that program. It really helps the children stay connected to the parent.

Good luck,
L. D.

Serioulsy my daughter is about 5 years old and I think the video of 9-11 alone may upset her beyond repair. I am not one to tell people what to do but DON'T DO THAT!! That footage upsets me. I think what she is going through is normal. I remember when my friends husband was deployed her children talked to me a lot because they didn't want to upset their mom. He has been in Iraq since September and they are starting to adjust. Thank your husband for me. My family deeply appreciates his service.

L.,
Your plate is definitely full but your story about how you are caring for your family inspiring! Remember that the good Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle - although at time it seems that way...He has chosen you to be able to handle more than most could carry on your shoulders and it seems you are doing the best you can for you and your family. I applaud your husband for defending our freedoms here in the US and know your family is paying a huge price for that freedom.

I have a suggestion that may work to keep your husband in touch with the kids while he's gone...if your husband will be in an area that has high speed internet and not considered a security risk to use video teleconferencing - we have a unique product that you may be able to use..

the video phone functions as your home phone - monthly phone bill is $30 for the primary and $12 for the phone you'd send overseas with your husband. Both plug into a high speed internet connection and walah, you have a phone that he can call and see the kids and you real time, clear as a bell! Many military families are using this...if you'd like to talk more about it - just give me a call - there's too much information to type out!

Again, i wish you the best with your situation and hope this suggestion may be a way to bring emotional peace to your daughter knowing she can ctually see daddy when he's gone...

B. Barkovich
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www.acntalks.com

Looks like you've gotten great responses! One suggestion on the canker sore issue--I have been plagued with these for years. They seem to occur in conjunction with "trauma" to my mouth (dental visit, strep throat, biting my cheek, etc.). My favorite remedy is OraBase B. It come in a gel or a paste, but the paste is far better. It sticks, you can put it on the spot before you eat and it'll numb the pain. Good luck!

Are you a praying family? To us, prayer would be the first line of 'defense' against stress/distress (and for safety, guidance for us all to do the right things in all circumstances for the greater good of all concerned, etc), so it's my first impulse to suggest it. It sounds as if you're doing the right things in being honest about very serious matters. Maybe make sure you use 'non-concrete' terms such as, "Daddy SHOULD be home before you get home from school". Words like 'should', 'probably', 'most likely', 'I expect', 'God willing', etc.

No offense but I think YOU are stressing your child out. She's 5 and no matter how intelligent she is, she does not need every detail. Don't show that 9/11 stuff! The most you should have said to her was daddy is going back to work for a couple months and gotten her a calander so she could count the days. Go through all the cool little crafts she could make and send to him. Get her started on all the fun things she can do to brighten her daddy's day up and "keep him informed" while he is away.
Your daughter is reacting to you and your stress, not her's. I would just knock all the talking off at this point. Let her enjoy the week with her daddy instead of being in fear of it! Goodness, she's 5 not 15!
My dad was a long distance truck driver and could be gone for over a month at a time and mostly gone the entire summer. It really was no big deal unless somone made it into one. If you would let her, you would discover that she is more accepting of the situation then you think. You should work on calming your own fears instead of trying to create a worry buddy.

I think it is so great that you are so honest with your children no matter the age. I commend you for that. One thing I personally wouldn't do is show her pictures of 9/11. I think that will add more stress to her seeing those pictures. I also think it is a great idea to let her know that you miss him too. I don't think you should hold back those emotions. When you let them out she will know that what she is going thru is ok too. I am not a military wife nor daughter of one. I can't imagine having to go thru this especially so frequently. I appreciate you for standing behind your husband and allowing him to protect us and our country. That takes a lot for you. Keeping up the house and keeping the family together is a huge responsibility for you and I thank you for standing strong. I also want to tell your husband thank you and even though I have never met you, you all hold a special place in our hearts. We will be praying for you during this time that God will keep his hands upon you and give you all the strength you need. GOd bless your family!

Good luck and God Bless you for the ultimate sacrifice for our country,please return safe.

L., my very best to you and your family and I wish your husband a safe, and quick return home. My husband is active Army and, as I'm sure you know, we have been there and done that! I have 3 children ages 12, 9 and 4. Dad just returned from Iraq 4 months ago to Washington state and 2 months later, we were packed and headed to Kentucky. I'm afraid I must agree with the other advice and say, please don't show her the video of 9/11. I still get hysterical and threaten to re-enlist every time I see it. My oldest has seen pictures, but only pictures. I do the same with my kids as you do, no lies, tell them how things are, but I must say, during deployments, the only time the news is on is when I log onto my computer. We talk about what could happen but they bring it up, not me. I simply let them know that daddy is going to Iraq to HELP the people there that are dealing with pain and a bad life. He and the other soldiers are helping them to have the freedoms that we have, like going to the playground or to school each day. When you approach little ones about "bad guys," even though you tell them and reassure them that they are over there, their little minds don't always register that they aren't hiding behind the house at night. And I'm afraid telling them that you are worried is going to cause them more worry. My 12 year old has told me not to tell her that I worry because then she does. That was my reality check. With my husband gone, i depend on her too much and share my own fears. Now that she's brought it to my attention, I no longer do that. It's tough because no one in my family or his, understands what we deal with each and every day, and I've never really participated in Family Readiness Groups to have other women around to talk to. Even my coworkers are non military associated and have no real idea. I appreciate that you asked this question here and I hope I don't offend you with my advice. I'm simply speaking from experience. Kids deal with so much when they are military kids and to have them worry about daddy or mommy is just too much for them to handle. I highly advise treating it like daddy just has to go to work for a long time and hang a calendar on the wall with a marker that she can cross out each day until he comes home. When we were not sure the date, I had my then 6 year old circle the entire month that daddy was due home. She enjoyed coming home from school each day and marking the day off. It gave her some comfort,I think, that she could still keep up with dad. And make sure she knows she can write to him and draw pictures. My husband just loved getting letters from the kids, more than the supplies I sent to him! I know you've been here before but it's an added job and stressor for you with kiddos now that they are older and understand so much more. Keep the news away from them too. My girls would ask "is daddy there?" every time we were at a family's home and the news showed a battle or fighting going on. It really bothered them to the point I would tell the family, either watch the news after they are in bed or we'll go home. It's just too much having dad away for them to worry about his safety. I'm sorry I know this is alot, as a nurse I get overly concerned! My very best to y'all and we'll keep you our prayers. Also, if you ever need to talk or scream or cry, give me a buzz. I'm happy to listen, I have a 2 year "non-deployable" status, of course, he was that status in Washington and volunteered....go figure. Take care!

I can't help with canker sore pain, but I do have a few words of advice I'd like to share. I'm not meaning to offend you in any way, but I think you're causing her stress. I know you want to be honest with her, but I think showing her 9/11 videos probably scared her silly. Heck, adults were scared by that. There is such a thing as TOO MUCH INFORMATION to give a child. And don't let her know that you're worried, either. You need to be and act fine for your daughter, because she's obviously sensitive and will pick up on any stress you exhibit, no matter how minor. You're in a tough spot right now, and I know you're going to be stressed no matter what. Try to lean on family and friends to relieve your worry and stress. In turn, your daughter should get better as you do. Good luck!

dont show the tape of 9 11 no 5 year old needs to see that or would even begin to understand it. im not sure where you live but if you are on a base i suggest getting together with other moms and let the children play im sure daddy will come up in play. hope this helps good luck to you and your family!

I haven't been through this so I can't speak from experience, but I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in being honest.

What I've noticed about kids is when they can't control something, it helps if they have something they can control. She may be feeling helpless about him leaving, the world being dangerous and other issues. See you if can find something she can "control." Consider something like rearranging her room or taking up a new hobby or type of lessons. (For example, when my sister and her husband divorced, what helped their son cope was taking control of picking out his own clothes. It was a small thing, but it gave him something to control when he couldn't control everything.)

Also, talk about your faith at times like these. We often remind our son that although things happen we don't like, we can know that God is in control and everything is part of His plan. God has a reason your husband is going overseas now and your daughter can find comfort in that -- the Pastor can also be a big help here.

I feel for you, this is tough. Take care.

L.,

Your family will be in my prayers. Thank you all for the sacrifice you are making.

There are two resources that I would highly recommend:

http://archive.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/
This is a special DVD with the Sesame Street Characters all about deployment. I think you can also link to books at this site.

https://www.hnfs.net/bene/home/Kids+Journal+Page.htm
My company, Health Net Federal Services, is the TRICARE contractor for the North Region. We have a Kid's Journal that you can download or you can call 1-877-TRICARE to get copies mailed to you (free). These are great booklets for the children to share with Dad all that is going on in their lives while Dad is gone.

Most of all just give your kids all the love you can and surround them with a stable support structure. Also, be sure to take care of yourself and get the support you need, church is a great place for love and support. If you do find that your kids do need someone to talk with, there are many resources out there for you.

May your husband be protected and return safely to you all.

E. Ragsdale

Even though I am not a military wife I agree that the children need to know the truth. When you try to hide things they find out anyway, usually in a way that feels that you have truly betrayed them. If the Pastor of her pre-school would talk to her that would probably be best since she already knows and likes him. One of my friends, who's husband is in the military, made videos of him reading books. Then whenever they want the kids can put it in and read the book along with Daddy or just listen to him read. He also did ones reading the Christmas story from the Bible that they used at Christmas. I believe he sang Happy Birthday to each of the kids as well. I am not sure about the canker sores but if it is stress related maybe the doctor would have some suggestions as to how to help things heal up without giving her meds that she does not need. Good Luck and God Bless!

I only have boys, so I don't really know much about dealing with emotional girls. I think you are doing a fine job, and it's a-ok to teach her about "bad guys". Every time we drive onto the base here, my boys ask why the MPs have guns (sometimes big ones, sometimes hand guns). They just want to see what I'll say, which is always the same - "in case there's a bad guy". They have a picture in their heads of what a "bad guy" looks like - something you'd see on Halloween. It doesn't matter - as long as they understand that there are good people, and bad people - who want us dead.

Perhaps you could get her mind on other things that are supportive of his efforts, such as every day or two have her go to this website and have a free card sent to a service person: www.letssaythanks.com Once he leaves, you could have her do art projects to send to Daddy, and have her write cards and letters to him. She could help assemble care packages to send, and include things like candy that he can give to children there ("that he is helping to protect", etc.) There's a Shirley Temple movie or two about a brave little girl. I'm sure netflix or blockbuster would have them (Brave Little Soldier and The Littlest Rebel, I think). They might be inspiring for her to watch.

Best of luck, and I'm sure we'll be in the same boat before long. My husband is gone for three months right now (and the boys are doing surprisingly well at ages 3 and 6). I'm sure he'll be gone for much longer at some point.

I don't have any advice, having never been in your shoes. I just wanted to wish you all the best of luck and pray for your husband's safe return. May God watch over your whole family and make this time apart and make this time apart as painless as possible for you. Thank you to you and your husband for keeping us all safe.
L.

I am also a military wife thats husband is coming home from a 16 month deployment. I have 2 14 yr old girls, a 5 yr old girl and a 4 yr old boy. It hit the 5 yr old girl the hardest. I only told my little ones that were 3 and 4 at the time that daddy had a very important job. He is protecting more people than just us. He has to go away for a while to work. There are people that like to hurt other people and he is going to help stop them. At first she was very angry with him but after a few days warmed up again. My husband called very often. The first couple months he didnt get to but after that he would call at least 4 times a week. He also emailed. She would talk sometimes and not others. I did not force her and still do not force her to talk to him. He gets upset sometimes because both of the little ones may refuse to say hi but I just remind him that they are little and he is not right in front of them. They remember him when they are praying so I know they have not forgotten him. They also ask about him at the strangest times. I always answer them with as little as possible because I dont want them to worry. I wouldnt want it to be a shock if he died but they should not have to worry about grownup things. They are too small. I do make them aware that it is possible for him to get hurt because once again there are people that want to hurt other people out there. My little ones also can sense when Im sad so I dont even mention it to them. My little boy sticks to my side like glue when he knows Im upset. It seems as they know just what to say to cheer me up. Just when I think my heart cant take anymore my husband calls and reassures me that it will be okay. I have trusted in God and he has kept my husband safe and will continue to do so. God knows I dont want to go on with my life without my husband so he protects him. That is what has kept me going.

L.,
As an Army wife of 12+ yrs and mother of two I understand the challenges you're facing. My husband deployed for Iraq this December. This will be our 4th deployment. My kids miss their dad tremendously, so we pray together for him and all the soldiers away from their families. Our youngest is 8, so we keep it simple and tell her that daddy's gone to the desert to serve our country and help people. We don't find it necessary to show either of them the ugliness of the war because they're so young. It's frightening for adults, even moreso for little ones.
For the cold sores, try Campho-Phenique. It comes in a small tube. You can also apply Anbesol (for mouth sores) which will numb the sores. Try not to feed her anything crunchy or dry like toast, chips or crackers.
You may not like what I'm about to tell you, but it needs to be stated. Telling your little girl about the harsh realities and showing her the clips from 9/11 are doing more harm than good. I know you're just trying to answer her questions, but she does not need to know everything. She's only five! Putting all that reality into her precious little head is just too much for any child. That 'knowledge' can only intensify her feelings of desperation, anxiety and fear, not only for her dad's safety, but the idea that a 'bad guy' can take her daddy from her.
She needs reassurance that God is watching over her dad protecting him while he 'works' in the desert. She needs to feel safe that no bad guys are coming to get her. She needs to know that you both love her and love each other. Details are not necessary. I highly recommend not watching the news with her in earshot. It's good that you tell her you're sad and that it's okay to miss him. Her feelings are important, and what's left of her innocence should be protected. I'm sure the physical symptoms will subside once her spiritual and emotional needs are met. We'll keep you in our prayers!

Any separation from either parent will be stressful no matter what age the child,or whatever the temperment. When my husband and I were in the military we were never deployed or tdy, but he did have to go go Korea for a short tour. My older son was 3 at the time. He was fine until he saw daddy getting on the plane then he fell apart. We'd talked about daddy leaving and thought he understood, but he didn't really understand as well as we thought...he was only 3 after all. We settled into a routine within a month or so and he was better. This was before the internet was widely available so there were no emials. Now, since this was an overseas short tour and not a deployment he was able to call us every week at no cost to us...since we lived on base he would call his unit here in the states and they would patch his call to our house on base. We also sent videos to daddy so he could see how the kids were growing (our youngest was not quite a year when he left). Since he had no way to video he couldn't send any to us but our videos to him allowed the kids to "talk" to daddy on the video even if they couldn't see him. I'll warn you...the transition to having daddy back was harder for us than the transition to having him gone. Your family will go through changes...not only in the children due to aging and maturity, but in your routines. Routines will change out of necessity and daddy's come home expediting everything to be as it was when they left. It won't be. It probably will be after a bit of time...or at least similar to how it was, but things will change. You will become a more independant parent and it'll be difficult to relinquish some of the control that dad needs (as head of the house) back to him, but it will come...just be patient for things to fall back into place. As far as your daugher is concerned, she'll be ok...a little counseling probably won't hurt. do you attend church? That would be a good place to go to get some counseling..and support for you. My church was invaluable during Tom's time away..it's a military town apparantly, there will be many women who are or who have been, in your shoes.

I think you are doing an awesome job preparing your daughter. My only suggestion is to video tape the two of them together so she can watch it every day. Make sure you have him on tape reading her her favorite stories and a nice message from Daddy to his little girl. Have her help make a project (candy in a jar- a piece for everyday he is away. So she can see when the jar gets lower and lower-he will be home soon-and for you its easier to sneak a few extra pieces in if the re-deployement is delayed!
Also, most military posts have extra programs for FREE when a family member is deployed including dance, karate, etc. I would check into that also!
I too am a military wife-so I know EXACTLY what you are going through!

First, I wish you the best and will keep your husband and your family in my prayers. My son is in Iraq at this time. It sounds like your daughter is very perceptive. I would suggest getting her focused on support ideas like sending pictures and making care packages, being able to talk to him on the computer at times, etc. Get a shirt printed with his picture on it, etc. things to help her feel connected. Maybe start a kid's support group to support her dad's unit. Maybe check with your dentist for suggestion on the canker sores, I think stress can produce those too.

Hi L.,

I'll start with the small problem. Canker sores are systemic. They come from STRESS! When your body is stressed it breaks down the immune system. They are related to the same dormant virus as the chicken pox but they will NOT ever appear if your immune system is working properly.

High grade tea tree oil will heal them quickly and relieve the pain. You can also take L-Lysine supplements, an amino acid that is depleted with stress, and that will prevent them. If you don't want to take it regularly you can start taking it when you feel one coming up.

As far as your daughter is concerned... A five year old can only think concretely. There is no subjective thinking. That means she is thinking Daddy WILL come home OR Daddy WILL die. There's not any middle ground and she is stressed. Bad guys far away CAN come closer and she is thinking WILL come closer to home. If Daddy doesn't come home then Mommy won't come home either. Kids start thinking subjectively about 8 or 9. Some even 11 or 12 depending on their maturity. Google child development stages and go from there. I highly recommend that you DON'T show her the tape from 911. That's almost a guarantee for nightmares. Telling the truth to your kids is very important but giving them this burden to bear can be to much at this age.

God bless you and your husband for serving our country and making this place safer for all of us. I appreciate it more than you know!

M.

HI L.,

I can relate. My husband is getting ready for his 5th deployment this summer. Our children are 10 and 13, so they understand quite a bit. Your daughter is very young and even if she is quite intelligent, I don't think showing her a video of 9-11 is a good idea. Night terrors come to mind immediately and from what you've described as her personality type, I think the worrying would multiply. I do agree that you should be honest with her. It appears you've gotten a very good start. Your husband's unit chaplain should have some resources you can use that are age appropriate for your daughter. If you think she's mature for her age, go one age-level up. I"m not sure what the Navy equivalent is to the Army's ACS (Army Community Service), but they have a lot of literature that might help you out. Most posts have support groups for children of deployed soldiers. I would take her, even if you're not sure she would like it. Being around other kids who are dealing with the same issues can be very helpful. Our hospital here at Ft. Bragg has them. I'm sure yours does, too. Does your husband's unit have an FRG (Family Readiness Group)? This would help both you and your children deal with your huband's deployment. They plan activities and also have a wealth of information that they can provide you. Unfortunately, you don't have much time together before he leaves. I think it would help if her Daddy spent some one-on-one time with her and explain that he is not only ready to do his job, but that he is very good at it and that she doesn't need to worry about him. Most little girls idolize their fathers and she already thinks he's the best. It will just reinforce it. AS for the canker sores, she's pretty young. Your doctor can give her a mouthwash/gargle that will numb her mouth, but with small children they then tend to chew on the insides of their mouth making it even worse. Ambesol isn't too bad. Also, they make a white paste for sores from braces that doesn't burn when you use it like most other things. It's called Orabase (not oragel - that stings!). Good luck and hang in there! L.

I think you are doing her right by being real with her. My husband was deployed to Iraq in 2004 and was gone out of home for 21 months. We had a 9 yr old and a 3 yr old. Being real was the best thing now looking back. We did not watch news while he was gone it only cause more stress to our day. So we done lots of activities with church and family. We was busy the whole time. Our 3 yr old thought his dad was dead until he started seeing dad on web cam and then he understood. Our 9 yr old would get very nervous and upset if dad did not call every 2 days or email us every other day. He would react with a sleeping disorder. He would walk in his sleep and do silly stuff in his sleep but I was not getting any sleep because he was up and moving all night long. We had to get the doctor advise on it. She suggested counseling. Like you daughter, our son was not one to talk or be with someone he did not know. With lots of prayer and advise from family and friends, I decided we would try it. To my surprise, he done really good with it. At first, no he was mad and did not understand why he had to go. Then after we got there and went to some of the meeting, he started opening up and it help him. Our counselor, invite me to come in until he was ready to be along with her. I think I ended up going to 5 meeting with him. Then she started giving us homework to do until the next meeting. The homework was fun activities that sometimes include dad when he emailed or called. So that help out a lot during the deployment. It draw us closer as a family. I don't want to sound like I am trying to sell counseling high. Some cases it doesn't help but in our case it help us. I thought if I shared my experience with you, you could get a sight on the good of a counselor. Even now, my son is 12 yrs old and sometimes he need to go and talk with his counselor to get some stress off of him about everyday stuff. So it could be a good thing for her and help her thru out life as well. I am glad that I took the advise to get a counselor for my son. I will keep you in my prayers.

You could have her a "daddy" doll made. They are quite easy to find now. My sister-in-law had one made when my brother deployed to Iraq. She was 5 or 6. The "daddy" doll had a picture of my brother, in his fatigues, on fabric as the front of the pillow and then pink camo fabric for the back of the pillow. She was able to take her daddy everywhere with her.

I used to work at a Family Support Center with the Air Force and one thing we used to recommend that seemed to work really well is to video tape your husband reading some of her favorite books. That way when she's missing him or when it's time to settle in for bed Daddy can "read" her a story. Sesame Street also put out a really good video called "Talk, Listen, Connect: Deployments, Homecomings, and Changes." You can view it online at http://archive.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/ or you can order the kit for free from Military One Source at www.militaryonesource.com (which is a great network of support for military spouses and will give you access to a lot of helpful info and resources)(your Fleet and Family Support Center -- I think that's the one that serves the Marines -- may also have a copy available for you). Another idea that my husband and I used was to have two stuffed animals (one that stayed home and one that went with him on deployment) and we used them to take pictures and share what we were doing. We'd write letters back and forth as though the stuffed animal was writing the letter and tell each other all about the things we did that day and the places we went. It would allow your daughter to share some of her feelings through the animal (which might feel safer to her than saying them herself) and it's a fun way to allow the entire family to share in experiences regardless of the distance (plus your daughter may get so wrapped up in planning special things to share with daddy it may make the time seem to go by faster -- for you too even). :o) When your husband gets home you could even put together a scap book of the letters and pictures as a memory keepsake. I hope this helps spark some ideas for you!