Daddy's Going to Iraq

Hey:) We can talk more Wednesday...you have time to come up and cut my hair?
Anyhow, my sister-in-law's husband went to Iraq for 6 months and missed almost all his son's firsts including his first birthday. It was rough but they got through it and I think it made them stronger. He's out of the Marines now (mostly) and basically can tell them if he will go back or not.

Hang in there!

If you he a video camera or can borrow one have daddy read some story books on them, so you can play them for her. That way she'll have a visual of him. He can also do and say things to her on it.

I have a friend that got one of these for her daughter...
http://www.thingamababy.com/baby/2005/08/toys_in_time_of....
Hope that helps...

S.

Hi K.,

My name is K. and my husband is an active duty Marine. We are stationed in RS Cleveland, he is a recruiter, one of the hardest jobs ever. I'm originally from Cali. and before we moved here 3 years ago, we lived on Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. While stationed at Pendleton for 3 1/2 years, my husband went on 3 deployments, 2 to Iraq. Our son was 6 months old when daddy left for his first 6 month deployment. Eric (my husband) came home from the ship deployment in Jan. 2003, was home for a month and left for his 2nd deployment to Iraq. That deployment was 7 months long and when daddy got home in Aug. 2004, our son was 18 months old and he just looked at his daddy like 'I know you, you've been gone for a while, but I know you' and everything was all good. My husband was home for a year and left one last time for 7 more months. It was one of the hardest times of my life, besides recruiting duty. My family lives in Northern Cali. and it was an 8 hour drive to see them so I couldn't depend on them. The other wives got me through it and likewise. We were eachother's family until our husbands came home. Let me know you want to talk on a more personal level and the same goes for you husband, if he wants to talk to my husband, any questions about Iraq, feel free to ask. My husband was in the battle of Al Nasayria, Baghdad, and Al Fallujah over there so he can answer a lot of questions. Good luck and I hope to hear from you.

Take Care,
K.

I can't say that I know what you're going through,
but I can say with all the sincerity in my heart - THANK YOU!
I have such pride and gratitude for the servicemen and women, and their families have a special place in my prayers each day.
I read the advice given below, and it all sounds like great suggestions to me. I especially like the idea of spraying a stuffed animal with aftershave. I think it's a good idea to make videos now of him reading story books, so you can play them for your daughter while he is gone. I think about how much my children love Blue's Clues dvds and if they met "Steve" or "Joe", they'd just go nuts because they know them from watching so often. And naturally, the sending of pictures back and forth to keep both your husband and daughter up to date is important.
My husband was an over-the-road truck driver when our first son was born. He was out for two weeks, and then home for a day and a half. So essentially, he was home for 3 days a month, but not consecutive. Not the same as what you'll be going through by any means, but I had similiar fears about my son not knowing my husband, and feeling like he was a stranger, plus I was saddened that my husband was going to be missing out on seeing the baby grow up. I wrote everything down, kinda like a journal or diary. Reading about our days and all they entailed, plus lots of pictures each day - I thought it was the next best thing to being there. My husband was so glad to read about the prior two weeks each time he came home :) I was happy when he got a local job a year later.

Tell your husband thank you for his service.

Ask at the base where your husband is out of I am surprised there is no family support group.

A friend of ours who is from Cincinnati where I am at has a large family support group. His ex-wife was very involved with the group. Sounds to me like the officer's wives have dropped the ball.

It sounds like you have a got start with the videos and the webcam. I know it's a poor substitue but is better than nothing.

You may never know fully every minute where he is at but Mike and Kim spoke in code so she knew more than she was suppose to know. Stay calm but he saw allot of things and he was a trained ER nurse. He did a regular tour and an extended volunteer tour and survived.

Good luck to you and your family and I pray they all come home safe and soon.

K.,
My husband is also getting deployed to Iraq in March, his unit is from Evansville and they are training in Ft. Stewart right now. We have a 41/2 month old and a 101/2 year old. This deployment seems like it is going to be the hardest. Last time my husband went we talked to him almost everyday with vonage, and we used the webcam which helped. If you have any questions at all feel free to contact me with an email. I live on the south side of Indianapolis.

Hey huney! My hubby wears combat boots for a living too! Take video of daddy and baby playing together now, so she can watch it while he is gone and see them interacting. Take lots of pictures of him and post them in her room so she can see and "talk" to daddy every morning when she gets up, and every night before she goes to bed. Record her singing songs and talking to daddy on video you can upload it to the computer and send it to him, and of course the web cam will work really well. Go buy 2 of the exact same stuffed animals and have a video of her and daddy with their stuffed animals, then while he is gone it is something she can feel connected too that represents daddy, and she(you) can take pictures of your stuffed animal having adventures to send to daddy, and he can take pictures of his stuffed animal on adventures to send to her. (*ps you might want to get daddy's input when picking out the stuffed animal since he needs to be able to travel with it and be around a ton of manly man other soldiers*)Beanie babies work well they are small and you can get like a monkey or something. Oh and ps you may want to set up a lot of help for the first month that he is gone, so when mommy needs to lay down and cry, granma, or best friend, or someone can watch baby.

In March of 02 my husband was active duty and went to Iraq for a year. My daughter was 9 months old when he left, they were extreamly close. For a long time we didn't have the luxury of web cams or email because he was one of the first over there. I even went 6 weeks with nothing not even a letter from him. when he woul dcall I would try and put Lily on the phone but his voice was so distorted that I'm not sure she knew who he was. Then the temper tantrums came any man in uniform was her dad (in her opinion)so when I would tell her no thats not daddy she would through herself on the ground and scream. She got to where it was like she was mad at me like maybe it was me who sent her daddy away. Then when we were able to use web cams she wanted nothing to do with it. When he came home she went sraight to him, however they have never been as close as they were before Iraq. I did take my daughter to a child phscyatrist (sp) they said I was making it all up, but then again it was a military Dr. LOL.
I know all this sound horrible and this is just my story there are others who have had a better experience. In the end it has all come together but I honestly think that most of the problem is her daddy he has never been right since Iraq, After so many years I finally got him into the Doctor. The hardest part is when he comes home and trying to put it all back together. Good Luck and hang in there you ever need to talk send me a message.

Hi K.,

Let me start by thanking you and your husband for his service and for you supporting him. I know it is hard, my husband is in the Air Force. Although he has not been to Iraq he has been deployed to Turkey for a while last year. I really do feel for you, it is very scary knowing your husband is about to leave you but you are strong, you have to be to be a military wife. Others just don't understand.

As far as your kids go, the first 8 months is the most important in bonding. So your daughter will be fine. She will not forget him! I am happy you get to stay home, I hope you have a good support system from your family and friends. I am part of the FRG here, but I am not sure where you are located. If you are not near your family I would suggest taking a vacation yourself and visiting your family as long as you can handle. Also get in contact with your FRG, they will be a big support. If you do not contact them they should contact you. If you need anything please let me know. It is hard but you are not alone.

Good Luck,

D.

Dear K.
I just got touched by your question. I do not have a hubby that had to leave for such a long period of time and therefore will not be able to help you out. I just wanted to wish you and your family good luck and may God Bless You and your husband! Thanks for all you do!
Love
M.

Make sure that you keep him up to date on everything that she does. Keep pictures around and always talk about him. I went through the same thing years ago, my son was 9 months and when Dad returned he was 20 months. When my husband got off the plane I didn't know him because he had lost so much weight, but our son knew him right away and starting yelling Daddy, daddy. Kids are alot more tougher then we give them credit for. My hushand served 22 years in the Air Force, I know what you are going through. L.

Hi K.,
Oh my, I got teary eyed just reading your e-mail. My husband isn't in the military but I know there are so many families out there in this situation. I'm not sure of any support groups but if we are close by, I'd be happy to become your friend and help you and your daughter out any way I can. Do you have family close by for support?
I know on some talk shows I've seen that a-lot of families are using the computer web cameras to keep in touch.
We live in Avon, Ohio. If we live close and there is anything I can do to help you get through this time please e-mail me and please know I will keep you, your husband and your daughter in my prayers! If we don't live close by you can still e-mail be back and we can exchange phone #'s and you can still call me anytime you need to talk:)
Tell your husband our family thanks him in advance for fighting for our freedom!
My daughter just turned 4 and my son just turned 16 mo. and I stay at home with them. I hope we can talk!
____@____.com
T.

one of the things you could do for your baby is to have daddy read a story and video it for her, do this on a bunch of cds and have her watch them while he is gone over and over and have him speak into the camera about how much he is going to miss her and how much he loves her and all the special things her and him can do when he gets back making sure he calls her by name .
I know it sound like a lot for a little one but with her getting to see him everyday on a video she will have less of a chance of forgetting about who he is . Kind of like (50 first dates Movie )
Good luck "God be with him" and thank him for protecting our country. God Bless

My husband left for Iraq when our son was 16 months old. We recorded him reading bedtime stories, and I play it for our son every night before bed. It is part of our bedtime routine. A really awesome resource I learned about is militaryonesource.com. I got some VERY helpful DVD's and CD's for me and for our son. (Highly recommend the CD called "THESE BOOTS") I have several pictures of my husband, and of my husband and our son, together on a poster on his bedroom wall. Every night he says good night to Daddy (he was not talking like this when my husband left, but we have kept him part of our daily routine since he left, so it has been natural for our son to keep talking about him.)

Something else that I wish I had known earlier - the YMCA offers free membership for spouses of deployed military. I have found it to be VERY helpful as far as getting out around other people and having some time for myself.

and of course, where I am there is not a very good network for military families. Feel free to contact me if you just want to talk. Good luck! For what it's worth, time seems to be going by pretty quickly - taking care of our son has kept me busy and occupied, more than I thought before he left. I hope this helps.

What about having your husband tape himself reading a different stories to her? Not just the ones she likes now, but ones that she might like as she gets older. Then you could play her a story from her daddy.

Another idea would be to tape himself doing fun things with her like playing "this little piggy" or whatever special things they do together. So when your husband comes back, she will be used to seeing the 2 of them together, even if she was a lot younger.

One more idea would be for him to give her a special item for her to love -- maybe one of his shirts. Or go to build-a-bear and have him make an animal and tape his voice. (I think you can do that.) If they don't have uniforms at the store, they'll definitely have one on the website. Then when it's time for him to come home, you can go buy civilian clothes for the bear and daddy and his little girl can change the clothes showing that he'll be home now.

Good luck to your husband and you. He and his family are very special to serve this way.

L.

My husband was deployed when our oldest daughter was born, but he returned when she was 6 weeks old. He was home for a month, and then gone again to North Carolina for the next year and a half. When he was in North Carolina, we got to see each other every 2-3 months. It was hard, and I don't think my daughter ever really understood what was going on. One thing we did was go to Build-a-Bear and get a bear and record your husband's voice on the thing inside the bear that your daughter can press to hear his voice. Also, show her tons of video clips of him. The webcam was useless for us when he was in Iraq, so that just depends on where he's stationed. We used the webcam once, and that was when he was at one of their stopping points on the way home (in another country). I did send him tons of pictures/videos over the internet, which kept his spirits up. I would let our daughter talk to him on the phone each time he called.

My daughter was a little over a year and a half when my husband came home for good, and she went from seeing Daddy every couple of months for 2 days at a time, to staying home with him full time - and she feel right into place as Daddy's little girl. It's tough, but I know a lot of women who have gone through the same thing. If you can, find a message board online for military wives that you can join - there's sure to be someone there to help give you advice along the way.

Definitely do the web cam! Your daughter may not be quite sure who your husband is when he gets back, but he will know her for sure so don't worry there. Also, show her pictures of him while he is away and talk about him as often as possible to her. I feel bad that you all have to go through this. A friend of mine, her husband did three tours in Iraq and went back for a 4th. Unfortuantley, he did not make it home on his last tour. He was killed in a roadside bombing while in a humvee. He left behind her and 3 children, the youngest one at the time was only 2 months. I don't want to scare you, but I wanted to let you know what happened to my friend. Don't worry your husband will be fine!! He will come home to watch his little girl grow up. Like I said definitely do the web. cam and show her pics. of her daddy and talk about him as often as possible. There is a chance that she will know him when he does come home. Good luck to all of you! I wish you all the best!

My sons dad is not in Iraq but he is away at boot camp b/c he just recently joined reserves. So we are beginning this. And we are a little older. I have been a single mom since he was born. My sons dad was away at school until he was 18 months old, moved home at that point and had been here since and an active part of his life. It was very hard at first (at birth and now). I had a lot of pictures of Dad around, we have photo albums and such with his picture. I told my son stories about him, and at 18 months they grew to have a wonderful relationship, even though they had little physical contact until then, only at holidays.
Now, we still do the same. My son figured out you can see the moon and sun from everywhere. So when he gets sad and misses dad I tell him to look up, and believe that Daddy is too, so then they are both viewing the clouds, moon and sky together, and for that moment are together. We write letters and do special crafts and mail to dad. We pray for him each night. He is doing better.
My son dad has another son that is a year and half. He was a daddy's boy hard core. He spent a lot of time with daddy every day. For the first few weeks he cried for daddy and was not very happy with anyone. He has adjusted (and did adjust far more quickly than my 4 year old).

Hi K.,

I am a mom of three older girls, 16, 17, 18. My late husband was an Air Force pilot and we spent much time "without dad" when my daughters were young. We actually lived in England (my youngest was born there) during the initial Iraq situation. There are a couple of "communication methods" that we used. And--technology is so much better now!! My husband actually recorded himself reading some of the girls' books aloud and I played that tape over and over. I also had a picture of my husband in a plastic frame near their beds. They would kiss him goodnight each night and carry it around during the day if they felt the need. I also kept one of his T-shirts available for snuggle time.

It is difficult. I'm not going to pull any punches. I was very fortunate to have the support of many good friends and neighbors--no family in England and we lived about 30 miles from base.

It is so important for you to take time for you and not try to compensate by putting everything into your daughter's life.

A little more about me. As I mentioned I have three daughters. My husband passed away almost six years ago after battling colon cancer for six years.

Hope this helps!!! Please keep reaching out!!! Bless you, your husband and your family!!!

J. M.

P.S. You may want to make some video's for your husband as well!

Another p.s. On the logical side, please do make sure all of your affairs--legal, banking, etc. are in order. A power of attorney will help you immensely, if you need to follow up or question anything related to your husband's military records, pay status, etc.

Please contact me ANYTIME!!!!

I just wanted to say that I really pray for the best for your family and that I hope you are able to stay close despite the distance. I'm really grateful for people like you and your husband who are sacrificing so much for our country. I was touched by your request and I hope that you can feel comforted at this time.

I understand what you are going through bc My sister's husband got deployed when she was pregnant he come home long enough to see her born and left again She knows who her daddy is bc mommy keeps pictures all over the house and then he come home for 3 months and on he is back over there
I promise she will not forget her daddy if you have to spray his cologne on one of her favorite stuffed animals that she sleeps with and that will keep her close to her daddy
she will grow to know his smell and that will help her know daddy when he gets back
You can try that or you can try making a video of daddy reading her a book and play it every night try reading different books in the video

I a sorry, I dont know what to tell you, just keep talking about him, showing her pictures, the web cam is great! I will keep you and your family in our prayers. Daddy wont forget his baby girl, i promise you that.

I wish you luck, comfort, and peace...I know you must be stressed out & scared. I don't have deployment advice. But, I did leave for basic training after college graduation when my daughter was 11 1/2 months old. We didn't have a video camera. So, I made web cam videos of myself with her and some of just me. I'd do little things like teaching her "eyes, nose, mouth". Sure, I had to do a lot of re-takes b/c I was crying by the end of them.
My husband would have her watch them everyday.

I ended up getting hurt & getting out. In all, I was only gone 7 weeks. However, even at that, things were different when I returned. We adjusted to eachother again...But, she never was a "mamma's girl" again. She created this awesome bond with daddy. I still feel guilty about it. But, we survived. Best of all, SHE doesn't remember it at all.

It will be hardest on you and your husband. Good luck!

where are you at? send me a personal msg

Make a daddy and me picture book for her. Take pictures of them doing things together. ie: him holding her and reading, him feeding her, him holding her and rocking her, him playing with her. You get the picture. Then write a little story aboout it and put it in a photo album for her. Read that to her EVERY day!
The videos are great. But also, do you sing her to sleep? If so, have hubby record those songs onto the computer and then make a cd of them. Then when she naps, play them for her. That is another way to help her. Have him read some books, while holding her and make videos of him doing that.
Hope this helps!

Hi K., I just read about your situation and I know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I have a little boy who just turned 3 and a little boy who will be 7 mths. When our first was born he was in Iraq my dr got him home on emergency leave for delivery but he had to go back when he was 2weeks old. Daddy finally came home when our little one was 11 mths. it was very hard. we now have our second child and he is deployed again he left when our baby was 4 mths. It is not easy by any means but you will get through it I PROMISE!!!!! As for keeping Daddy and the Baby aquainted keep as many pictures of you husband as you can around and show them to your little one often. Take as many pictures of her as you can and send them to daddy. He can never have too many pictures. It is also going to be h*** o* you but talk about him to her as much as possible. When my husband came home the first time our son didnt know what to do or who he was. Its hard for little ones to realize whats going on but they adjust really quickly to change. THANK GOD. If you need any thing please do not hesitate to let me know. One other thing you can do is keep her busy. If she is busy and you are busy time goes really quick. GOOD LUCK and let me say THANK YOU to your husband and yourself. I know how proud it makes me of my husband when some one says THANKS FOR SERVING.. Good luck and if you need anything let me know.

I have been through this....but he was only gone for 7 months which seemed like an eternity...Tell your husband THANK YOU for what he is doing...You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. I also have a close friend that is deploying in March. So almost feel I am going through it again. As for your daughter most of the advice I have read so far is awesome...and I agree....as for you where are you located? Send me a message....often we state "well get ahold of me if you need something"....well as I said I have been there and those words just do not work....we as human beings do not reach out as we should...so please make a conscious effort to reach out it will be much easier. Also I will send you a private message of something Joe printed out and kept with him and used everyday.

My prayers go out to you. My son was 5 days old when my husband left for Iraq. He had just turned 1 when he got home. We did the web cam and videos. I also let my son listen to our phone calls so he could hear his voice. I made several books of Dada with many pictures so he saw him all the time. I would talk about him all the time too. We were both shocked and amazed that whne my husband got off the bus my son practically jumped in his arms and stayed with him through the entire welcome home ceremony. The only time he wanted me after that was bed time. We took comfort in knowing the hardest part of the deployment was on us and that our son would never remember it. The most important thing to do is find a group that understands what you are going through. You may lose friends while your husband is gone. You find out who your true friends are. Some people just don't have the abily to understand what you are going through and a lack of compassion. It is a sad fact. Thankfully we only lost a few friends and strenghtened many of our existing relationships with those who had compassion and didn't try to understand but did everything they could to help. Just keep your husband pictures everywhere and you will be fine. Please feel free to message me if you need an understanding military wife and Mama to vent to. Best of Luck. My prayers are with you and your family.

I saw somewhere, someone made a "doll" of the childs dad. Basically you take a picture and get it put on an iron on transfer and cut out his face. Then they made a doll with camo colored material and used dads face for the dolls face. That way every night she could sleep with daddy. If your not inclined in the sewing "department" you may be able to go to a local craft or fabric store where they teach lessons on it and take a lesson or even commision someone to do it. I dont know if there is a pattern to follow or if the person was a very creavite person and could just make it. However it worth looking into!
God Bless your family and keep your husband safe while he is fighting for others ability to be free and happy!
S.

Hi there - my husband spent 22 + years in the Army (Active Duty) and we have two children. This happened to us more than once in those years! There absolutely should be a Family Support group - maybe as the time draws closer you will learn more about this - I am not sure if you are reserve or Active Duty, but if you are Active Duty living on or near a military base, I am sure there is a FSG. As he gets closer to deployment they should have some kind of meeting for all you, to go over what to expect while he is gone. As for him being gone from the baby, we always kept a picture of Daddy right above the bed, and we said goodnight and good morning and we talked about Daddy all the time. We didn't have webcam, so we couldn't do that, but whenever he could call I would put the kids up to the phone so they could hear Daddy's voice. She still will probably be a little hesitant when he comes home, and they will have to get to know each other again, but don't worry, that won't take long at all. It is sad for him to go and to miss so much time out of the baby's life, but the good news is, she is young and won't remember as she gets older, and hopefully he will be there for all the times she DOES remember as she gets older. Unfortunately - deployments are part of the military lifestyle and we spouses have to learn to deal with it! Good luck - it will be hard, but you CAN do it!

A. in Indianapolis

Dear K., what a challenging time you have a head of you. I have no idea what you're going through but everything you are feeling sounds completely normal. I don't have any info. but I must tell you that my mom died b4 I got married and b4 I had my baby daughter (now 22 months)! I did all the wedding planning by myself and prepared for Ava as best as I could w/o my mom. It was so difficult but I did it. Every day I wish she was here to share in all of this and help me with questions, etc. My husband travels weekly so it became a wonderful bonding time for us. You will be okay. Good days and bad but remember you need to find 1 or 2 days of the week where you go out with friends, catch up on sleep, etc. Do not feel guilty about YOUR time.. or selfish. It will make you a better mom and your baby will sense that you are calmer and at ease. Good luck. You'll find your nitch and make it work. Best of luck to your husband. L. (mother of Ava)