War on Iraq

Try getting him involved in a Big Brother type program. It won't replace Daddy's presence in his life, but it will provide him a constructive outlet.

You cope by doing exactly what you are doing..... reaching out to people. You can't do it all alone. Just don't be afraid to ask for help.

I agree with Cynthia T. And remember, you are not the only one in this boat. That's the key. You need to be around people that have the same thing going on as you do too. My husband has been deployed to Iraq since January 2008. He was in training in Texas from October to mid-January. It's hard but, you will make it through. I know from personal experience that if I tell my husband something that is going on here he does stress. He won't tell me for quite awhile but, he'll ask a million times about it. Remember that sometimes our guys don't always have someone there to talk to about problems from home. Then, they are sitting there pretty much 'stewing' from what you have said. He won't always tell you until he gets back home. There are a ton of support groups that you can go through. But, I know the one thing that keeps me sane is dropping my boys (5 & 3) off for a night over at Grammy's for a night out with some girls that are going through the same thing. My two sons are acting out like crazy. This is just how they express what they feel. My 3 year old, thought that we left Daddy at the armory since January. He kept demanding that we go and get him. I would let him know over and over that Daddy is over in Iraq working for our country and that we should be proud of him. We have been through one deployment already (Afghanistan). I had my 3 year old within 9 months after my husband came back. Beware of that! :) J/K. He now understands where Daddy is. I let him talk to Daddy on the phone while my 5 year old will barely talk to Daddy on the phone. This helps too. You do get through this time though. It takes forever but, if you have friends that are going through the same situation it helps a ton. I have one friend that doesn't get to talk to her husband for months at a time. He will sometimes email but, that's about it. So, I count my blessings that my husband contacts me daily. You can also go to a counselor to help cope with him being gone. My husband is in the National Guard and is one of those guys that goes one weekend each month usually. He goes on deployment every 3 years. The timing is always impeccable. But, that's what happens when you are in love with a soldier. They are making a huge sacrifice and so are we. Remember that he loves you and he will be back. I don't watch the news at all unless it's weather related because I can't take the media with the war. It is almost always bad. That is one less stress that I need. We have been married six years this June. You can also go to your FRG meetings. There is another site that offers help to all military. It's http://www.militaryonesource.com . Wish you the best.

I agree with Cynthia on the advice about tempering what you say to your husband while he is deployed. Don't feel as if you have to lie just don't tell him more than he needs to know to worsen his own situation. (I know you would never intentionally do that).

Other pieces of good advice were to video tape your son playing, coloring, telling daddy stories so that your son feels as if he is talking to daddy. At the same time send daddy a video camera so that he may video tape himself reading stories (send him a few cheapy child books your son likes), saying prayers, and overall just sending messages to your son (and you) for those daddy needed times. Place pictures all over the house at your son's height so that he constantly is reminded of things they have done together and as a family. Create a countdown calendar (with scrapbooked/glued pics of daddy throughout) with holiday milestones brightly marked so that he can visually see when daddy's return month (since exact dates are typically unknown) is nearing. Get a daddy doll (www.daddydoll.com) so that your son has a miniature daddy to hold and cuddle when needed (they also make pillows and pillow cases (we made a pillow case with our pictures for daddy, you can also make one for you and one for your son for those difficult nights). You and he can create crafts, paintings, and pictures to send daddy or have him help you put together a care package (my girls loved putting candies, cookies, a water gun, and bubble gum dispenser in daddy's care package). The more things that your son feels like he is doing for daddy will help him keep that connection with him. The videos and pictures of daddy will help him remember the good times and how much daddy really loves all of you. I realize that it is VERY difficult and encourage you to lean on any friends and family you have near or can vacation with . . . also try to get involved in community activities (community center programs, gym, CHURCH activities, anything you can have you time with as well as family activities).

My husband has been deployed on short stents 7 times with his 8th this June, after this deployment he will have spent 3 yrs collectively overseas of the last 5 1/2 years (3 in Iraq so far). We have been together 11 years and married 8 1/2 years so I understand your pain, frustration, and lonliness and pray that some of these suggestions bring all of you comfort. Please email me if you need anything and GOD BLESS!

Both my husband and I are active duty and I have been on both sides of this picture. My father was also in the military so I know what it is like from that perspective too. It isn't fun either way. Your son is being very normal wth acting out. I don't have much productive advice to help with your son's acting out aside from try to be patient with him and talk to him. He is acting out because he doesn't know how else to express his emotions. Try getting him to talk to you about it, maybe even play with him so his toys do the talking. My mother did that with me and kids will use their toys to express their own thoughts and feelings and how the toy you are playing with reacts will help them understand better.

Because I have been the one in Iraq and the one at home one piece of advice I am going to give is tell your husband how much you and your son miss him and love him but do not add another worry to his plate by talking about the home problems. When I was in Iraq my husband would talk about stuff going on at home that was stressing him out and all it did was make me more stressed out than I already was there. Dealing with the base being bombed is stress enough. I know that advice doesn't help you much with missing him and dealing with it for yourself but because of my experiences I wanted to share.

For yourself... once this is all over you will be able to look back and see how strong you really were through it all. While you are going through it you don't feel very strong but you really are. You are doing something a lot of people aren't capable of & you should be proud of it. It hurts and it is lonely but you are getting through it and you will be stronger in the end.

C.

My husband will be going overseas in a few weeks. He's been out of state for mobilization for the past 3 weeks. It's not easy, but I try to stay focused on taking care of our daughter & going to work, and taking care of the house. I guess we've had a little practice with him being gone. He has been to several schools & short orders (he's National Guard) before.

Staying in touch with him as much as possible helps too. But try not to let him know that you are struggling. It doesn't help him any to be so far away and know that you are having a hard time with him gone. My husband has always told me that he needs me to be strong for him. He already worries that something might happen to me & our daughter while he is gone (like getting hurt somehow). I'm not saying don't tell him how you feel, but just remember he is just as worried about you as you are about him, and he misses you too.

Does your son understand why his dad is gone? Of course I don't know how much you have done to help him understand, but maybe you could talk to him about it more. Help him to understand that he should be proud of his dad, not angry or upset. And that it's ok to miss him because you miss him too.

I know there is a Sesame Street video for kids, but I believe it is for ages 3-5. You can watch it online for free though. It's called Talk, Listen, Connect.

PRAYER!!! Always along with alot of love in your heart for your family and yourself!!!!

K.,

God Bless you and your soldier. I'm a soldier's mom and can understand the agony of a loved one deployed, in a mom's eye.

K., the military has a wonderful support group for wives, children, moms, dads, all family members, so find one where you are or connect with other military families with loved one deployed in your area.

Remind your son each day that his dad is a hero and is helping others find their freedom. He won't understand all of the words but telling him each day will soon make him see that others are needing his dad at the moment and soon he will return to him.

K., when you talk to your husband again, tell him we LOVE HIM. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I have great respect for our military men and women and will continue to support them, even after they are all home.

You may think that us moms and dads go through deployment of our sons and daughters easy. No we don't. We cry and worry about our kids, and pray they all come home safe and sound.

When my son returned from Iraq, one of the children near where his unit is based had a dad that was still in Iraq. She came to my son, asking questions, and I think just wanting to be near a soldier. My son took her under his wing so to speak until her dad returned home. My son would pick her up and take her out to eat or they'd go to parks, anything most soldier dad will do with their children. There is an adopt a soldier group. This can apply here stateside also. Adopt a soldier for the little ones so they can have a soldier friend that they can do things with and even talk to when they are mad at their own mom or dad for being away from them.

I've never met a soldier that doesn't love or want to protect our little ones.

K., as mom, get out there and get involved with community events which include children. You will find that time will speed by much faster and you will be doing something for yourself, your son and your community.

J. Proud Army Mom

Hi there! Men have been going to war for centuries...mine was deployed during Viet Nam...there, u can guess my age now....
Where are you? Close to your husband's company/battalion? There are other moms in the same boat, and probably just as lost as you are feeling...band together.. it isn't the same as your husband of course, but you can find consolation and other friends for life, if you look around you.

Having been through this twice it is hard, but focusing on the hard part is not what gets us through. Many of myfriends and I took the time to focus on self improvement and home improvment and child improvement. Find a positive project for you and our son and get involved. My saying always is "while you were alway life continued on", and it has to continue on. With deployment you do feel likehe is missing so much of his life but we have to remeber that his life is currently away in a distant land. If you don't have an FRG please go to the following site and find a virtual frg:
http://www.armyfrg.org/skins/frg/home.aspx.

God Speed,
J.

My husband was in the Navy for 27 years; however, it is different if your husband is "on the ground". He'd be gone for 6+ months at a time but always on a ship. Operation Desert Storm was an eye opener for both of us -- he saw stuff he won't talk about and I was the "top wife" for the ship as the CO's wife lived somewhere else. Wives looked to me to keep it together...

I've read through some of the responses and agree with several of them -- the military unit your husband is attached to should have a support system AND the base will have a support system in place. I ended up putting my son in Boy Scouts, a play group, Sundary school, music lessons with a male teacher ....

The fact that you mentioned your son is "independent" (which will come to be a good thing when he's older, believe me!) means you're probably feeling even more lonely. Being a military wife in time of war is horrible! That being said, aren't you lucky you have e-mail and cell phones? (We used to have to number our letters!) Do some things with girlfriends -- I mean "good" things -- not bar hopping, etc but the movies, etc.

This too shall pass. All of those deployments made me strong and able to cope better with decisions. I have been able to let go of stupid stuff and know what is more important in life.

God bless you, your son, and your husband,
Ask for help --
M.

My husband has been to Iraq twice now and here are just a few suggestions that have helped my family and the others that were in our battalion. Have your husband write personal letters just to your son and let them have "private" correspondance so he feels like dad is still listening and wants to know about his days, etc. Yes, it takes a long time to get those letters but when they come in the mail and they get that letter with dust on it they get so excited. Make a paper chain to hang up with the approximate days left until dad's return and let your son take one off everyday. It gives him a clear end to this seperation and he will enjoy ripping that chain off everyday. Talk to your son about what he wants to do with just dad when he gets home and make those plans so that he knows he will have that dad/son time already in place, maybe a night somewhere together or maybe a baseball game, etc. i hope that this helps a little and if you need more ideas just let me know. Just remember you have already done what, 8 months and that is amazing. Keep up the good work and make sure that your son knows that he is loved by you and your husband everyday and i promise you will make it through! Good luck.

My husband too is in Iraq so I know how you feel. I have a three year old and a newborn. I don't know if he is into Elmo, but their is a video available for free that has Elmo's daddy being deployed. It helped my daughter out. We also talk about it a lot. I let her video messages to her daddy whenever she wants to talk to him. He occassionally calls when he can talk to her specifically. Other than that we stay busy. We do special things with her friends and our family. The busier you are the faster time goes by. We also have a calendar that we mark off the days. We don't know exactly when he'll be home, but each day is one day closer to that.

K.,

This is so hard to put into words; I have lived what you are going through many times. All of us - military wives can tell you what we do or have done. My husband did many tours, which also included Saudi, Kosovo, and Honduras along with Iraq and other places. We have 3 children. One day my son, at the time he was 16 came home and asked what we would doing, we were getting my husband's will in order before he left for Iraq. My son never knew we ever did this before my husband ever left for his TDY. My son, needless to say went ballistic - in all the years my husband has been going away with the military this time it really hit home bad - My son has always been close to his Dad, whenever his Dad would go TDY he would in small ways lash out at me because he would miss his Dad so much. At night when he was young, I would read him stories before bed and we would talk, I would also read to the girls. They were not as affected as my son. I would lie in bed at night and hold his pillow and smell his scent and the tears would fall. I did not sleep very well when he was TDY. You did not mention if you had a job. I worked the last 10 years of his military career, which gave me something to do during the day while the kids were in school. You are truly fortunate to be able to talk with your husband everyday! We did not have that luxury - usually it was once a week and for maybe 10 minutes and with the operator listening in to our conversation. It is truly hard to be in your place now, I have walked there for over 20 years, shed many tears and I still pray at night for our men and women. A military wife is special and the military life is a hard road to live, but the rewards are beautiful.

Hi K.,
First of all, thank you and your family for your sacrifice. I am a former military wife (my husband retired from the army)and understand how hard it is. Fortunately you have just made the half way mark. What helped us is to really focus on his return and get involved in projects that support them. I understand how hard it is to reach out and give others support when you feel like you are barely hanging in there. We stayed involved in projects with other military wives and I think being with them gave me a sense of comraderie and support with women that shared what I was going through. Also, it was great for the kids because they were involved with other kids that shared their same feelings. We did not live on a military base when my husband went to Desert Storm. There was not a lot of support off base. But there were kids at my kids school whose parents were deployed. So another Mom and I put out an invite at the kids school for any other military family to come to a potluck at one of our houses. Out of that, a group of about 20 people met regularly and supported each other for the duration. They were awesome people and gave me strength. We did a lot of regular activities with the kids that focused on their return. We made banners in the hanger together-the kids loved this, put together care packages for the unit, celebrated birthdays, and basically helped each other however we could. It helped take the focus off of how lonely it was and we felt like we were doing something positive. There should be a contact within his unit that is knowledgeable about activities with the spouses/families. If there isn't, try to seek out other military wives. They are a great support. I wish you well. My kids were 7 and 8 when my husband left. It was hard, but I found a strength in myself, that I never knew I had. And, I met some really amazing people that I never would have sought out. No doubt, the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but try not to give in to the negatives. It will be easier if you focus on the positives. Feel free to email me anytime. God Bless you and your family!

My husband has been deployed since Sept. We were lucky enough that our son is only 16 months old. He left when he was 9 months, so my son wasn't old enough to quite understand. I go out of my way to hang pictures, he has a daddy doll, and a flat daddy. My nephews are that around your sons age and when they ask where he is i tell them the truth. Its not the same a having a parent gone, but i try and explain to them that he fights for them. That when they grow up they will understand why he had to leave. You can't tell a 6 year old that if he doesn't behave daddy will be mad at him, if daddy is not there. It's not fair to him, but i think that if you include him in the conversations you have with your husband it might help with some things. Do things on the weekend that they would have done. Fishing or go camping during the summer. Boys need to be outside and get dirty! The MWR on your post usually offers camps for kids that have deployed parents. I have heard that they are AWESOME. They address the problems they have and they also have a great time. That would also give you the break you desperately need. I know our situations are not the same, but i hope that helped some. Look for help on post. Child and youth services are great in most places. They have so many activity's during the summer its crazy. I hope that things get better for you and your son. I am not sure if this is the first deployment or not but it does get easier. It doesn't really get better, but it becomes easier to deal with everything. Always remember he will be home soon and he will be grateful of everything you have done in his absence!

Bless yor heart. It is hard what you are going through. My sister in law is in your shoes and it is h*** o* her. The first few weeks to months are the hardest for her. She has a son who is 16. She keeps herself busy with a hobby. She started body building at the gym and loves it. She has put a major focus on herself to get her through the months until her husband returns. It is h*** o* her at times but shefound a local church group to attend and that has helped too. Just be careful not to get hooked up with the wrong people (If you live on the base) my sister in law says there are plenty of wives who cheat and plenty of recruits willing and ready to show you and your son some attention.

The base should have some sort of Family Support Center (different branches call it different things), they have support groups that meet weekly, play groups, and classes. If your not sure, ask someone from your husbands unit, they should be able to get the info for you. Sometimes if the unit has a bunch of people that are deployed the unit has it's own spouse's (might be called dependents) support group that meets as well. Check with the First Sergeant, he should have all the information that you need.
God Bless!

I have been out of the Army for 3 years now. I know it is a difficult time for you and your family. All posts have the FRG. But, if he is in the reserves, I would contact his commander and request to be involved in a local support group. If one is not estbalished, I would start one. War is very straining on a family, especially the children. Church is also a very great place to turn.

I wish I could give you a big hug for the sacrifice that you and your husband have made for this war in Iraq. I know that it must be such an every day struggle for you.

I am an American living in England and the troops here are making huge sacrifices too.

I recently saw a news item that might help, especially the children. A group sent all sorts of childrens books to the troops and those with children were filmed reading a book for their child/children, and the DVD was sent back to the family. Perhaps you could do that for your husband or start a program with the other wives to do the same. So when your son particularly misses his dad - dad can read to him.

You are in my prayers.

I understand what you are feeling and experiencing. My husband was deployed 3 times to Iraq and is now in Japan on a family restricted tour. I will not sugar coat it, it can be hard. however, you will get through it. I tried to make myself accessible by phone and AKO. Given the time difference there, sometimes I would write a long letter by email so that he never went without hearing from me. I set up my sons AKO IM so that they could talk to him w/o me and that made them feel a little better and eased their fears. I also aquired the DVD's for kids from military one source and they enjoyed those. We also let him "eat" dinner with us at the table when time permitted by webcam.
Kids react differently but try to get him involved with other kids who are going through the same thing. It helps alot. Call the military one source and they can put you in touch with groups and counselors.

My husband has worked away from home quite often during the course of our marriage. We've been married 23 years and it's still hard for us to cope, but we've gotten better at learning how to express ourselves and how to be there for the other person.
One way I got through it was to keep a journal and to pour my heart out to God on a regular basis. I also had to remember that I was not the only one suffering and to try to put myself in my husband's place and also my son's place. We gained another child, and I had to put myself in her place, too. It helps to find others who can relate to your situation. It's hard to be both a mom and a dad to the children.
Make sure you take as many pictures as possible of your daily life with your son so your husband can enjoy these upon his return.
My prayers are with you.
S.

You have to take it one day at a time. Try to keep busy. If you live on or near post you the support of the FRG (family readiness goup) I have been there twice and it is hard. You look forward toi the mail man, jump when the phone ring and state on the computer more then usual waiting for a message. Lean on freinds and family for help, remember you have a military family going through the same thing as you, also.

H.

You are doing what you can for yourself, you talk to him everyday, I am assuming your son does too. As hard as it sounds the best way I feel to cope from being in a similar situation is to keep very very busy. Sports and activities for your son, groups for you. Hang out with extended family as much as possible, have friends over to your house. It won't take the ache of missing your husband away but it will help you not dwell on it as much. As for your son acting out, I would suggest getting him involved with the big brothers program this will give him an adult male role model to bond and hang out with while his father is away. This helped my God son tremendously with his attitude problem. My heart breaks for you and your family, I will pray that your husband stays safe.