5 Year Old Stepson That Is Mean

Dear P.,

I've hear what you say, it is so tough being Mom and a Step Mom, with young children. And I read all the advices from several other Moms. 5 years old that is still so young to reason like an adult. There is a lot of anymosity, and I mean lots. The 5 year old as you put it is definitely lashing out, that is clearly a cry for help. What do the counselors say about this?

A suggestion is to have the father plan special short outings individually with each child, so they know that he still loves them as much as he does you and the new baby. Find any instances of good behavior and really build on that so to promote good behavior and self esteem. Make sure you get some space and time for yourself so that you can handle the tension bad behavior brings into the family.

Watch the movie, "The Secret", and find some positive motivational CD's that you can listen to during the day, (won't hurt the children either), that will help you during times of stress and to refocus.

And P., you are really doing good, you are trying so hard to find an answer. I admire you so much! God Bless You and Hang In There! D.

I have gone thru this with my youngest step-daughter as well, and have heard the same things that it is the lack of attention from her birth mother, who is incarcerated. I have been speaking to her about the golden rule, and treating other people the way she wants to be treated. At lot of talk was getting me no-where it appeared. I explained to her that she was having trouble making friends because of the way she treated people. She is a bit older than your son, but I have gone to making her write sentences, front and back of a page, I will treat other people the way I want them to treat me. It has taken some time, but it is finally starting to work. We have still had a few incidents but they are farther apart. And every time I go back to our origional conversations and start again and we write another page and then talk about it again. She has now started to make new friends and that also i believe is helping her to see that she must be nice. Good Luck and God Bless you!

I know how you feel. My fiance and I have a 2 year old son and he has custody of his 9 year old daughter. Her mother walked out and left her when she was just a baby. Sometimes I think she is the meanest child. She constantly lies, refuses to answer, will not do any of her chores and tries everything she can to get rid of my son and I. She will even tell me to my face she hates me. We have been in therapy for almost 2 years now...things aren't much better, but we just changed threapist, so hopefully things will get better. We have tried almost everything. We are now on this chart to keep up with her behavior...so far, it seems to work, but we are still in week one...We wrote down things that we expect for her to do, if she does it she get a good sticker beside it, if she doesn't , she gets a frown face sticker....if she can make it through the day with all good, she gets a small treat. We then add up all the good and if she gets 32 out of 40 for the entire week, she gets a weekly treat. Hopefully it will encourage her to want to behave.
I know you can get frustrated...I have reached my boiling point way to many times the past 3 years. Just try to remember that your not alone. It helps me to know that there is someone else out there with the same stuff going on...otherwise I think I would go crazy...Just keep your head up and try to focus on the good things.

Well, if I may say so, he's just being a boy. As you probably already know, boys are rambuncious, and very active, and sometimes even very mean, but he's just being a boy. I have a 5 year old boy and he does little mean things as well. What I have discovered is that the best way to figure out what is going on is to sit the child down, them and let them know how much you love them from the bottom of your heart and let them know that there is nothing that they cant tell you and that what ever is bothering them you are going to work through it together. Dont make them feel like they have to tell you what the problem is. Only if they want to. Most of the time they will open up. If his is smart enough to tell a little boy that he doesn't belong here, he can explain to you what's bothering him. Just give him time. In the meantime try to constantly play with him every chance you get. Tickling him wrestling with him etc.. Remind him that he is still a child by constantly doing little childish things with him. Let him know that you have some childishness left in you and he will trust you more. Children trust other children. Dont act so much like a grown-up. I hope this helps you, Good luck.

Hi P.,

I have a 5 year old and a 3 1/2 yea old boy. When we went through the "being mean" thing with the older one, I sat down with him and asked him why he was doing what he was doing. We talked a while, then, I asked him if he thought it was OK for his brother to treat him like that. He said no. I told him that the next time he did something, I would hold him still and allow the other person to do it back to him. If it was OK for him to do, it was OK for someone to do to him. The first time I let his brother kick him back, it was over. He knew that he was loved but that there were consequences to his behavior. One other thing you might mention to your step-son is that you're not trying to replace his mother, but that he was extra-special because you CHOSE to have him as your son.

Good luck!!