5 Year Old Behavior/attitude/crying

I don't want to scare you with my advice but I think every parent with a problem child needs to hear this. I grew up as the problem child for many years. It wasn't until I was 30 years old that I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have been great since. Now I'm not saying that your son has a condition like mine but some of th therapy should be used. Find him a good therapist. Someone he feels comfortable with. Let him talk to them alone and sometimes with both you and your husband. I say therapist because they won't prescribe drugs and are more personable than a psychologist. There is definately something going on with your son psychologically. If my parents would have sent me to a therapist from day one I wouldn't have been that much of a problem. It wouldn't have cured me from being bipolar but at least I could have learned some techniques of how to deal with things. Don't let your son follow my path. Get him the help he needs now. I wish you well. Give your son a big hug from me. I have a 3-1/2 year old son who is sensitive too and we are working on it.

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I have noticed with most of my kids at this age, they adopted the crying technique to get attention (from me, my hubby, teachers, friends , etc) so what we started doing was reversing our response. Once we assessed that there was no sensible explanation for the tears (injury, serious emotional hurt or the like), we would gently but firmly tell them to go cry in the other room (don't hug them or anything at this point, just point them to the designated room) and they could come out when they're done crying. Once they come out, that's when we would shower them with hugs and a cheerful "hi there! Are you done crying?". They quickly learned that the better attention came not as a result of crying but as a result of them STOPPING the crying. ;) ...worked for all four of mine so far! ;)

-J.
MyTime Calendars for Tots
www.mytimecalendars.com
"play with time, have time for play!"

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Wow! I am appalled at how our society treats young boys and men. My husband and I have raised 2 very successful young men who are strong examples of what men should be in this world. Here's the truth that doesn't seem to be getting out any more - boys mature much more slowly than girls. Preschool and kindergarten are almost always too much for young boys. The best research I've ever read on this was done by Dr.'s Raymond and Dorothy Moore, early education researchers and teachers. Sure, we can continue to push our young boys to conform and watch them burn out in school and move into 1st, 2nd and 3rd grades feeling stupid and angry. I'm sorry about the rant, but I've watched our young men destroyed for far too long, and not have a voice. Our young Marine son is horrified by the lack of personal responsibility and self motivation he experiences with his peer group. Multiply that across the country, and we can see why society is in such trouble! As mothers and fathers, let's give our boys a chance to grow at their own pace, encouraging their unique giftedness! We will all be better off.

I agree that your husband needs help too. Boys and men do cry and it is not right for him to put that on the boy. With that being said that is not what you are asking for help with so now I turn to the boy.

Have you talked with the teacher to see if anything would have happened in class? Have you sat in on a class to watch the interaction? You could try contacting the school social worker and have her talk to him one on one to see if there are issues. Sometimes knowing that they have the option of talking to someone when they just can not talk to mom and dad. Something is definitely going on and I would not ignore it.

Holler if you need to talk. ____@____.com

I know that it is okay for boys to cry and we do want to raise men who can show their emotions but it sounds like your son is inappropriately showing his emotions (and I can thus understand your husband's frustration with it).

We used a similar technique to the one Jennifer A. suggested. Once we assertained that there was no good reason for the tears (other than frustration, manipulation, the need to vent, or just plain old being tired) we sent our boys to another room to "cry it out".

However, we also made sure that the boys knew when it was okay to cry. I vividly remember the group of us on the bed sobbing nonstop over the death of the boys favorite dog.

Anyway, that being said...your son will be judged unfairly if he bursts into tears over every frustration or correction. Children can be cruel and they will find him an easy target. By using the technique of sending him off to work out his feelings alone he will learn how to calm himself quickly and return composed.

Just my two cents.....

Hi CS! We too have been dealing with a very similar scenario with our son. He started 1st grade this year, and he does the same thing - cries at the drop of a hat! I see that one of the ladies who responded mentioned that if he says a bad word, just tell him that it's an adult word. I did that with my daughter when she was that age, and it worked :) The only difference is that I told her it was a "mommy/daddy" word, and I NEVER raised my voice if it was the first or second "offense". After all, it's a learning curve. As for my son, he is just a sensitive soul. We just tell him that when he can stop crying and talk so we can understand him, we'll help him. He's begun to learn that we can't help if we can't understand his words. He also gets very frustrated with homework if he doesn't understand it right away. When that happens, I have him step away and go do something fun for 10 or 15 minutes, then we tackle it again. It usually works ;)

Good luck!

How are things outside of school? Is he getting enough sleep? Is he getting down time? Is he having the same types of issues in the home? It definitely sounds like he is frustrated and overwhelmed.

I know my preschooler comes home from preschool and needs to sit in front of the TV for an hour. It is how he decompresses (not my first choice, but it works well for him). Find an activity that does not demand a whole lot out of him (you reading stories to him, playing with his favorite toys, etc) and have that as an after he gets home activity. Also if your son is having difficulties expressing himself, than it will make other struggles more difficult.

If your only speech/communication concern is with his emotions, than you might try helping him express how he feels by verbalizing what you think he might feel. My kids had struggles with communication because of developmental delays and when another kid took their toys, I would say, "Don't, my toy" (responding in a verbally appropriate way while giving the toy back to the original child.

If he has speech/communciation concerns in other areas - isn't able to he is hungry or other needs, doesn't speak in 4-5 word sentences, doesn't try to socialize with other kids, etc then ask the teacher if she thinks he might need to be evaluated by the school speech therapist.

Good luck!

I am less concerned with your son's having trouble dealing with the new stress of school than your husband's lack of patience. (School is stressful by the way...more so for some kids than others.)
Boys don't cry??? I thought this sort of thinking was left behind with the idea that beating kids helps them learn better.
I realize that we are products of our environment and the parenting we received, but your husband might need some child development education in order to be less of a stress to you and your son. You know him best...you might try to think of a strategy to get him on board to help you parent more gently.
Good luck!

You can try to adjust how you react to some issues. Instead of saying that something is a bad word, my babysitter suggested I say that it's an adult word and it's something that adults are allowed to say and children don't understand the words so they shouldn't use them. That's just my one example...sorry that's all I got for ya.

Having raised 3 children, My Daughter is now 20, my 1st son is 18 and last son (still raising) is 16, I have a wealth of experience behind me. I've been divorced from their dad for 6 1/2 yrs. Even the boys have always wanted to have their time with me.

I'm just curious, Is your husband good at expressing his thoughts, his feelings, anything other than anger or frustration? You don't have to tell me. Just think about it. Because if He thinks boys don't cry, maybe he was stopped from expressing himself as a boy, so maybe now he just doesn't express anything that may make him SEEM weak.
Maybe he is just treating your son how he was treated...

Every child is different.
Some Boys do cry (a lot) and it is OK! My 18 yr old, did cry often, he was super sensitive. He showed his feelings. He is now on his own, working and going to college. He so in touch with his feelings, he talks about things and all the girls wish he was their boyfriend.

The younger one, he is more reluctant to talk about his feelings. but not because we ever made him stop crying...It's just that he never was super sensitive.

It sounds as though he is very conscious of when people are pleased or displeased with him. It sounds like he just feels very badly when people are not happy with him.

Maybe he feels like love is conditional, and is afraid that if he has done something that needs to be corrected you may not "love" him. Then when the adults around him get frustrated because he cries, then he may feel.."oh no! Now I'm doing more they don't like" and it becomes a downward spiral.

If he starts crying after a correction, Try telling him that it's OK to cry and then just let him cry but pay no special attention to it.
Perhaps correct him then say something like "I'm just teaching you what is ok to do and what is not. You are little, you don't know everything yet so you are going to do some things that need to be corrected. Even big people make mistakes. Now you know...so next time you can do better. I understand that you feel like crying. That's OK. Just know that I love you no matter what!"
Give him a tissue and go do your thing.

Try it for a couple of weeks and see if it lessens the tears. His tears may still come from the initial issue, but I'll bet that they don't escalate from trying to stop, or from feeling bad about crying and then crying because he feels bad about crying.

If you can, let your husband know that even boys who cry can grow up to be strong and have lots of girlfriends and be on the A list of popularity and have lots of guys that look up to him and think he is cool! ( OK my son has had 1 girlfriend, but loads of girls that wished she was the one!)
K.

Sounds like he "has your number". What do you do when he cries?

He won't get away with that with the teacher. The teacher has consequences for bad behavior that cannot be adapted if he is merely crying.

I googled "raising boys book" and got a few suggestions for your reading instruction. I have read "Raising Cain" and books like this are very relevant in today's situations i.e. peers/school/home. Do some reading and form your own opinions. Have your husband read them as well. All of the suggestions so far are seem helpful, also. I think boys have a hard time in school and hide it with bravado, if they can. Not all are able to do that. Good luck with your son and I hope you will always be his advocate. Remember that even though things seem bleak now, the child will often overcome these early setbacks and be stronger for them. Read Katrina's message a few times over. She is on target.
D.