Need Advice on How to Help Control the Tears...

At kindergarten registration I asked my son's teacher what happens if he cries? She answered, "He will be the only one crying, and that might be awkward for him." I thought that was a bit heartless because I was so worried about my son's feelings, but what she meant was that he will learn what is appropriate and what is not. His first week was awful. He tried running away from school twice, hit a girl with his backpack, yelled at the teacher and cried. The teacher showed him the cozy corner of stuffed animals where he was welcome to sit and hold a stuffed animal to calm down or even take a nap if need be, both of which he did at least once in the first few weeks. I put snacks in his backpack which the teacher allowed him to eat at recess. These things really did help. Add in some extra Mommy time and after a couple weeks he was fine. No more meltdowns at school.

I wish I could help. I was a crier too... and I still am. I was not an only child but I was the eldest of two girls. What helped me to keep my tears in check was to avoid eye contact with anyone giving me a reprimand or criticizing my work. I would look at their lips as they spoke, or on a spot on their cheek. As soon as I made eye contact... I'd start crying. It's horrible.

My daughter is an only and is so NOT a crier. She puffs up almost like a ticked off cat when she gets upset about things, stomps to another room and grumbles about it. then comes back to give me an earful about what's making her upset.

Trust me. As a crier she'll figure out how to hide it in school so that she's not embarrassed. I would get really red in the face and excuse myself quickly to run to the bathroom. I'd cry out my frustration, wash my face and try to come back somewhat composed.

She may bust out the tears at school a few times but by the time she's in first grade, she'll figure out how to deal with it. You don't need to train her. Her peers will shame her into controlling it better.

Kindergarten is forgiving. She'll learn how to deal with the crying there. It'll only take one kid to point at her and call her a big baby for her to suck it up and figure out how to survive in the human jungle that is school.

We are going through this exact same thing with my son (same age as your daughter). One thing that helped us was a sticker chart. I told him if he could make it through a week without crying at all, even if he is hurt, he would get this Lego guy thing he wanted. We had a couple of close calls, but he made it through the week. And he has been better ever since. He's cried a couple of times when he was more than minorly injured and when he's overtired, but the sticker chart really made him stop and think whether there was a better way to react to a given situation.

I too worried about making him suppress his emotions, but I tell him all the time that he can always come and tell me when he's upset. But he will seriously stand there and scream-cry until I go to him to see what's wrong. I tell him that when he is in kindergarten, people won't like to see big kids cry. What I really want to tell him is that, if he cries, there might be that one mean kid who thinks it's funny and will try to make him cry whenever he can. Of course I don't say that, because I don't want to scare him, but it's in the back of my mind.

This is going to sound cold and heartless and out of context. But the reason we disciplined crying (not genuine, hurt, fear or sadness, but "fits") starting in toddlerhood, was to prevent this exact phenomenon. I have several friends who are awesome loving parents, but their kids cry all the time. The crying is either met with sympathy, attention, or eventually ignoring, but never a warning to nip the theatrics "or else" so to speak. It's very natural for sensitive kids to let their emotions run away easily. I personally feel it's what led to the uber-strict generations of "I'll give you something to cry about" parents of yore who were super tough on their kids so they wouldn't become "cry babies". That was excessive, but there's something to it. My husband and I took a more balanced approach that did include discipline for fits even though we are loving and understanding about crying when it warrants it.

Our friends surely thought we were a bit cold at times when our kids were crying and we said things like, "OK, that's ENOUGH" with a very warning tone, ready to enforce discipline if necessary. But we knew in those moments the situation did not warrant crying. Someone taking a toy from you, or not sharing with you, or getting a little boo boo is not license to melt down in our house unless there is exhaustion or hunger going on. We offered an initial piece of comfort or acknowledgment of what "happened" but then the kids needed to move on. Or else. We took cues from parents we know with resilient, happy kids, and they did not put up with the crying. Now our kids are tough and easy to bounce back too.

My two daughters are very emotional. My oldest (6) is sensitive and easily cries from "sensitive" things or boo boos. We go over our day and have conversations all the time about her feelings, she often talks through the "verge of tears", she needs her comforting blanket still, etc. My youngest (2 1/2) was born with a mega temper, and she would haul of and scream and rip people's hair out at the smallest infraction if allowed. I fear to think what her fits would be like by now if not nipped. Luckily, they both have excellent self control now and when the waterworks pop up they A) Control it, then B) we handle the issue. My girls are both VERY expressive and in full possession of their emotional spectrum. My son is less emotional in general but has excellent control of crying for boo boos.

Enforcing "no crying" at times with discipline is not squelching emotions, its teaching how to have self control when we would rather cry. It's one of life's most valuable lessons. The only other option is to wait for kids to outgrow it on their own with comforting etc, but that's not always the most effective as the habit is rooted. My cousin still calls home crying from college (and cries when professors give her bad grades!) and her life has been very easy and her parents were very loving.

I say continue being loving and attentive, but start to crack down on the crying after one calm warning if you have assessed that there is no bigger problem going on. When the waters are calm say, "Sweetie, you're now almost 6 and it's time to act like a young lady and not cry so much. The next time I ask you to calm down and you keep crying x will happen. I love you and I care about what is bothering you, but that behavior will not be allowed." Pick your most effective consequence and follow through. Also be sure to praise her sincerely when she does bounce back form a disappointment or injury without crying. Let her see how proud it makes her when she's "tough". My son loves to run around saying , "Hey, mom, I just fell off the counter and hit my lip (or whatever), but I'm TOUGH!" etc. Once she gets this under control, she'll actually be BETTER at expressing herself and understanding when something is serious or not.

Our son was like that....and still is to a certain degree. We did what you did but less empathetic and he handles things better. Maturity is a wonderful thing.

When he was about 5 we'd tell him to calm down and stop crying. If he didn't we'd tell him what we couldn't understand him with his crying and when he was done crying, he could come talk to us and we'd walk away.

We have 4 kids and BY FAR he's the most emotional.

I read in the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" that sometimes it works to tell you child that they can stop now, that they have cried enough about whatever it is. Sounds mean, but it does work.

A......you worry too much! You'll be amazed how independent/changed your daughther will be after she starts school. I have one child who was extremely shy when she started school and one was a cry baby. I'd spoiled her because she was the baby of the house and I had the same worries that you have now. However, they both were fine in school! I was afraid my baby was going to act up like she does at home but....the teacher/classmate won't stand for it and she'll change her way. You'll be amazed how kids can adapt. They KNOW who they can whine to and who/where they can't throw a fit with/at. Trust me, I have four kids and they were all totally different in their attitude towards me vs. with others (i.e. babysitter, school, uncles/aunts). They know where NOT to cry, throw a fit, demand things...and that's at school...so they ARE different at school vs. at home. I've been told that my kids are so WELL BEHAVE when they're at babysitter and at school and I'm like...are you SURE you're talking about MY kids?

Bottom line...don't worry...she'll adjust and won't be the same at school as she is at home. Mainly because she'll fine out soon enough that she can't do the same act at school that she pulls with mommy! :)

This is something that you can't control. You really do have to let your daughter figure this out and learn on her own that crying over everything isn't appropriate. If she's crying to manipulate or if she's crying because she's experiencing emotions so overwhelmingly, she'll learn to control her responses of tears and crying when she gets negative reactions or no reaction at all from her peers.

At home, if you think your daughter is crying for something minor, you might want to try ignoring it rather than responding in any way at all. Just walk away. I know it sounds heartless but coddling in any form, even to tell her to use her words, is recognition of her tears and validation. She should really be getting validation for tears in appropriate situations and learn that she can no longer use them for manipulation or every time she's slightly unhappy or displeased.

I have three girls. Trust me on this.

First of all, it's OK if she cries at Kindergarten. That's why K teachers are a magical mix of mommy + teacher. It happens. All. The. Time!

In what circumstances is she crying?

Frustration about a task? Tell her to take 3 breaths and think. Then repeat, if she needs to.

Not getting her way? Make sure the rules are clear (they WILL be clear in K!) and if she's breaking/forgetting a rule--let her have a crying fit.

You know the best thing I think you can teach a child is "Speak UP!"
Speak up when you don't understand something, are unclear about directions, when someone is hurting you, when you need help, etc.
Make sure she understands "speak up"!

Kids cry. Some feel more empathy that others. Some don't have that filter that develops during childhood where they recognize some things are just for themselves and not to share with everyone. Some just don't have the confidence to handle much of life's trials either.

She should be able to cry whenever she feels the need. If she isn't allowed to cry she will learn to bottle it up and some day they will all come out and she'll be a mess.

Let her be a little kid for a bit longer and allow her to cry. Just ignore the tears if they are not for an owie or injury. She can go to her room to cry if you want. I send my granddaughter to her room to cry when she is having a Diva moment. They can be huge and messy! She can make all the noise she needs to, she can wail and cry for hours if she needs to. If she needs a hug she can come get one but she has to be quieter when she does.

I know how hard it is to deal with a drama queen. When she has a melt down at Walmart I think the people in the parking lot must thing that multiple kids are being beaten within an inch of their life inside....she is loud and messy when it happens......lol.

If she were to try and hold this in and not cry when she needs it I can't imagine where it would finally start showing, she might start having behaviors and hurting her friends. There are so many ways kids get the feelings out if they can't cry them out.

My kids tend to cry a lot over every little thing and are overly emotional and sensitive it they don't get at least 12 hours of sleep every night. Is she getting enough sleep?

try not to worry too much just yet. most kids behave differently (better) at school than they do at home. plus kindergarten is the time when they work these things out, it's expected that somebody will be crying at the beginning.

I hate to tell you this, but I have a third grader who cries over the smallest of things. It has gotten a little better...I keep telling her not to cry and school and she can tell me all about it when she gets home...some success with this but if they are extremely sensitive, they honestly can't help it. The tears are overwhelming.

I think they'll figure it out by the end of elementary school, but it's been a rough road.

From what you write, I think you are helping her. It is good to learn to use words to express oneself! But a lot of it she needs to learn on her own.

Trust me - when she is among a group of her peers, she will decide to limit her crying to the important times. Some people are more likely to express their emotions through tears than others. Maybe your daughter will grow up to be a person who cries with joy! Then I hope she'll have a lot to cry about.

I think your doing a great job by trying to encourage her to use her words and express her emotions. That is quite difficult for some adults I know so I wouldn't expect her to do this right away. I am sure some of it is her personality (sensitivity level), the other will be maturity (hers) and repetition on your part.

Once she is in school she will be so busy and have so many more distractions that I bet those tears will be less frequent. Like any other phase with children, they don't go away as quickly as they come. Just give it some time.

Take care, I wish her a very happy start to Kindergarten!

you sound like an awesome mom!
remember this is a curve, she won't just get it and be done. asking her to use words to explain her emotions is great, so is being matter-of-fact. and so is just letting it go altogether. NOT giving her immediate feedback of any sort, just letting her sort through it on her own and figure out her own coping techniques is really not neglectful, not if you're also communicating with her (minimally) and keeping yourself available to her when she's ready to talk (maximally).
she may start out as a Crying Kindergartner, but once she's in the atmosphere and figures out how it works, and how her classmates react to her tears, she will start to gain some control over it and learn better reactions. it won't happen overnight, and you will continue to play a major role as her best listener, and with role playing, and with offering (when asked) some alternative methods.
good luck, mama!
:) khairete
S.