5 Year Old Already in Trouble

My son had the same type of issues when he started school. We tried to take things away and have other negative consequences but nothing seemed to work. My Mom (who is a special ed teacher) suggested positive reinforcement instead of negative which worked wonders. We had a chart that mimicked the one they had at school (red, yellow, green). If he got a certain amount of greens in a week on his chart, he was allowed to choose a reward. It was never monetary or toy related but things like a game night where he chose the game, movie night where he chose the movie, his favorite breakfast on the weekend, etc... We also incrementally increased the amount of greens he needed to get his reward. The first couple of weeks it was at least two greens, the next couple of weeks it was at least three greens a week, and then by the end, it was all five days needed to be green to get the reward. We saw almost an immediate improvement in his behavior with this method. I hope this helps!!

First I'd ask the school or doctor to run a hearing test. Just to rule that out.

Does he have anything that he LOVES? He is not too young to learn cause-effect. Let him fail. Let him get hurt. I know that's a hard thing to do, but sometimes its the only way they learn. Especially the stubborn ones.

If he gets in trouble for something, then he may have to stay after school, or not play is xbox, or have to eat something he doesn't like for dinner.

Have a chart that he can see. This will also help you stay consistant.

Take him to the homeless shelter, or to the courthouse to see the judge, and let him see what happens when you don't pay attention in school or break the rules.

M.

C.,

I would not worry about ADHD, it is not usually sneeky...I would seek out a qualified therapist and find out what he is thinking. He sounds like the kind of kid who could tell someone what the issue is when you make it safe to do so. If he could tell you, he would, and obviously, he cannot tell his Dad if his head is that deep in the sand.

I work as an educational advocate (you may have met some of us in IEP meetings!) and I usually reccomend evaluations if there are any questions about developemental issues, but I just don't see that in your post related to his behaviors at all. You have probably hit the nail squarely on the head with your hunch about his anger. Look for a play therapist and see if they can draw the issue out and give him some better strategies.

One thing I would caution you about. "not listening" is not really what you mean here. He hears, and he knows the rules. What you mean is, he deliberately decided to break the rules or disobey. I am a big fan of telling kids exactly what we mean and not giving them any way to wiggle out or see it as something other than what we said. "Not listening" is easy to play with symantically if you are a smart 5 year old. I would stear clear of any softer, gentler language or euphamism whatsoever. Be blunt with him, and some of the "sneeky" nature will come clean right away.

M.

I have a book that my 5 yr. old grandson loves to have read to him and it's called Moods and Emotions, a handbook about feelings. I think you can find it on amazon.com and it's by Ruth Shannon Odor. It covers very basically feelings like anger, love, fear, sorrow, etc., etc. It doesn't cover disrespect but it could be discussed with some of these other feelings. I found it to be an excellent book to bring out discussion and talking about things that really may be upsetting your son. Since he probably has issues he would like to talk about it may help him understand some of the family issues with the divorce. I think the children who will sneak, lie and blame others really really need dealt with NOW and yet it is a heart issue and this book too will help him see inside himself some. Not to say counseling isn't a good idea. Do you have a church where he got to something like AWANA or be playing games as well as learning what God expects of him? I would also recommend that program since Awana has games and fun too. Please don't let this go and continue whatever discipline you do but also he needs more than that to get to the bottom of the blame, etc.

Yes, put him in counseling. Your ex-husband is either ignorant or in denial about the harm he is doing that can effect him his entire school career, as once he has a record, the next school year of teachers may just give up on him in the beginning and his behavior may only increase.

I also agree with some other moms to encourage activities. Tae Kwon Do, soccer, gymnastics, baseball... something that will help him learn respect also and how to follow directions as well as teamwork for a good thing.

I have this book, The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child : For Birth to Age Ten by Dr. Sears and it helps a lot:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316779040/carroll...

Maybe he just doesn't like school. I would act up too, if I were forced to go somewhere I hated every day, for hours and hours.

I feel for you! My son sounds similar. He is now 5.5 and surviving his first year of public kindegarten with the help of special ed. He had been kicked out of 5 daycares/preschools for anger, biting, disregard for authority etc. We had evaluated 3 differnet times for ADHD, spectrum disorders etc with no consistent diagnoses. He likley has some aspects of ADHD, aspergers and giftedness. Regardless we acknowledged that there was a problem and sought help. Through the public school they need to priovide an evaluation. As a teacher your self - seek advice from the special ed team ( regardless if your son has a "diagnosis" or not their behavior techniques such as reward systems may be helpful. Talk to his treachers and seek their input. We tried "psychotherapy" and "play therapy" and personally thought we wasted our time and money, but your son may be different - especially with the emotions of having gone through divorce. My best advice again is to acknowledge there is a problem ( whether your ex wants to or not) and seek help. Ignoring it or thinking he will just outgrow it will not be beneficial for him in the long run. The other thing I found is that the things we say to our kids really do sink in - read "social" stories about anger and following rules etc. When he does have an issue try not to judge but ask him what happened. Ask about his feelings - ask if he knows why he did what he did (my son never knows why!), how it made him feel to do it, how he felt after ward. Stress he is not bad but he made bad choices and it is your job to help him make good choices. Wish you luck :)

I agree that this is a problem not to be ignored. I also think that this will continue to get worse if you DON'T do something now.

Age 5 and first school experiences set the stage for the rest of their school career. If he is having problems now, then things will likely continue on this path unless there is a parental intervention.

Perhaps you can go in and talk with the principal (with your ex if possible) and see what the school recommends. Sometimes it takes the suggestion of a third party to help change the current pattern. You may be able to talk with the principle in advance to explain that you and your ex don't see eye to eye. That you need his/her help to get your son on the right path. But that you are seeking a 'professional recommendation' as to what to do, pursue, not just a 'suggestion'. If needbe, perhaps there can be a counsellor there, or available to discuss next steps.

Your ex-husband NEEDS to be on board with correcting your son's behavior. Regardless of the cause (try not to blame him), your son needs his parents to show a united front in addressing his behavior and problems at school. If you can get out of the blame game, perhaps you can ALL work together towards getting you son to respect authority both at home, at dad's and at school.

Best of luck. If all else fails with getting your ex on board, get your son the help he needs.

Talk with his teachers. We have 2 kids in the kindergarten class that have behavioral issues and they share an aide that helps them focus and keeps them on track. They also have special behavior charts that the teacher fills out that earns them rewards. I think you also have to work on knocking this out at home. My 3 yo acts like this in class. He follows the others bad examples and will be disrespectful at times. We started by having his hearing checked and we were amazed at how little he heard. He had tubes put in recently which made a huge difference and his adenoids out, which helps him sleep better and consequently behave better. On the way to school we repeat that he needs to listen, not hit, not push, be nice, be helpful, etc. and give him role playing situations. It has helped a bit.

It can't hurt to get some counseling and an evaluation. Early intervention is usually best. What are the benefits of waiting? Help your son work out his anger and see if ADD or other learning differences are hurting his self esteem and causing him to avoid failure by acting out are issues.

Our son has ADHD and defiance is one of his issues. It was a problem as far back as preschool. His medication isn't technically supposed to resolve this problem but it does. I think when everything else is in control for him, he just feels better and is less inclined to be defiant.

Definitely pursue help with the medical professionals. He may have a lot of anger about the divorce to work out. We've found the medical professionals to be so useful in helping with our son's behavior challenges. You can also get some great coping strategies for you as a parent and for the teachers that can help him do better. If you're not sure where to start, contact your son's pediatrician for referrals.

I agree with the other posts, but I also wonder if there is recess at school. I ask that because I was in school with the bad class. There were three boys that were horrible! One was the ringleader and two were the followers. After recess and PE, though, there were never any problems. They were able to run out all their energy! Is that something that could work for your son?

If your EX doesn't think it's a problem, believe me, your five year old sees that and will follow his example. Does your son play any team sports? A good male figure for him to follow is a must. Does he see his dad often? Not just weekends, but several times per week? You might want to find out exactly what is being deemed acceptable behavior when you aren't there. I don't believe kids just come up with this kind of thing by themselves. They learn it somewhere.