I have a great friend and neighbor who has a 6-year old daughter, and my 5-year old daughter often plays at their house or ours. My friend and I also do carpools to ballet, and she and her daughter, my two girls, and I all do dinner together about once a week. The problem is that her daughter and my daughter like to play together but cannot seem to ever get along the entire time they're together without arguing heatedly at some point. Sometimes it turns into a fight with lots of screaming and tears, and neither of the girls ever wants to back down. I think maybe they're just too much alike and I've tried to always reprimand them and talk to them but it seems to just happen again. If I'm around I try to supervise and intervene, which I can't say helps much, and my friend's approach is to just tell them to work it out and tries to stay out of it. I know they need to learn to work things out but they obviously are not quite old enough yet and I'm worried that things are going to worsen. Any suggestions on how we can improve the situation?
Thank you so much for all the great responses. I am going to try to stay out of it more, which is hard not so much because I can't deal with seeing my daughter upset but because they often ruin a perfectly good time squabbling over nonsense! It's just so frustrating, but I know they've got to learn, and I also agree that their time together should be limited and actually usually is. They are both very intelligent, stubborn, sensitive, and strong-willed girls which really makes a challenge but I'm definitely going to try some of the suggestions next time we have a real blowup!
Little girls do that sort of thing ,try keeping them apart more and make dates and times they can play together. Tell them if there is any arguing or fighting that the play time will be over for that day,or until the next date.make a weekly date sheet and see if that will help. Hope this helps I had a little girl with that sort of deal, they grew up to be the best of friends. To much sometimes isn't good.
P. A
I think as mothers we often want to spare our children hard times and pain but the fact of the matter is that we will not always be able to be there to spare them when life shows up. These arguments are normal and I believe the children should be allowed to work through things on their own, that is how they learn. Our job as parents is not to keep them from dificulties but to teach them how to deal with them so they are prepared. The best thing you can do for your child and your friend's child is to set boundaries and let them work it out. Make sure they aren't getting physical or too outrageous in their arguments but beyond that they are just learning to interact with others right now. This is totally normal and a necissary part of growing up. You're right they aren't old enough to work it out smoothly yet but this is how they learn. Through not handling it smoothly they will learn what feels good and what doesn't and how when they are mean to someone that person doesn't want to be around them and all those things. If you do have to step in (because you shouldn't allow them to get physical or to be verbally abusive or yell) don't just separate them or even tell them how to work through it, talk to them. Ask each of them to tell you what the problem is and they need to let the other speak as they both will have a turn and they both need to learn to really listen to what they other feels about what is going on. Then help them problem solve. Don't tell them how to handle it, ask them what their options are and then help them reason through how each option will affect the situation and people involved. Then let them make the decision for themselves of how to move forward. That way if you have to intervene you are still allowing them to handle the situation and learn from it. It will still continue to happen because it is normal and because they are learning but each time they will get a little better at dealing with a difficult situation.
I agree with the time away from each other. My boys have to learn to play together. Have arguements "without" screaming or yelling. I think you and your friend are both right. They should learn to work through the differences but with boundaries. You could also start teaching them techniques to solving the problem. They are old enough to learn an unbelieveable amount of social action. Try checking out library books that teach basic steps to problem solving and sit down on their level and help them learn how to "agree to dis-agree". Good Luck and God Bless
Yes they are a little young to learn diplomacy on their own. However i have found that the minute the parents enter the mix things are always worse. Try the five rules.
1. Mind the boss.
2. Be nice.
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Take care of your stuff.
5. Work before play.
Use fewer words. Kids that age hear about 3 sentences that they can process then all they hear is blah blah blah.
If you cant be nice you cant play together. Separate them for a minimum of 10-15 minutes that usually works.
My mom used to throw us out the back and wait for the dust to settle it usually did
hope that helps
Here's a fun and easy object lesson that will teach children how to end an argument. Grab a ball and head out side to play catch. Point out to your child that you are able to play the game because both of you are participating. Then drop the ball suddenly and walk away. Your child will probably be a little upset and want to continue to play, but no matter how badly she may want to, she won't be able to by herself. Explain to her that an argument is alot like playing catch. As soon as one person chooses to drop the ball , or argument, and walk away, the quarrel is over.
The next time you overhear a squabble between them, ask this question: :"Who's going to drop the ball?."
(By the way, you may want to finish that little game of catch before you head back inside.)
I hope this helps.
I was in the same place as you me and my bestfriend would get together a couple of times a week and we have sons the same age., they would end up fighting and it was aweful. When we weren't around them they would have different stories of what went on. We decided to get them together and sit them down and have a talk with them. We told them that no matter how much they fought we were still going to be friends so they better figure it out. We were not going to come the the rescue everything they fought. And if it kept going on we would get babysitters for them and enjoy ourselves. They soon got it and quite fighting so much. Now they are the best of buds.
I've got 2 girls, just turning 8 & 9, that are 13 mos apart. We have a 2 bed house so they have to share a room. They're like twins for the most part, but my older has anxiety issues and is rather "fragile", while the younger has ADHD and an unnerving need to "pick-on" her sister. Sometimes this leads to threats of a lot of duct tape and a little closet :}. For the most part, I tell one to stop pickin and I tell the other to shrug it off. Rarely I have to separate. As close as your girls - and your neighbors - are (in time together and location) I'd say treat em like sisters, "if you can't play together, you wont play together", etc. And give them projects that give them some alone time. Shortly, one will ALWAYS be doing something more interesting than the other and they'll find some common ground and be back together and playing nicely. I hope this helps.
Your friend is right -- let them work it out, short of physically hurting each other. Although we do want to intervene, and think we know best, and our solution would be different -- they'll work it out on their age appropriate level. I guess maybe they're playing together too long -- shorten that time.
I think the hardest part of being a parent is watching our children NOT do as we think they should -- but our jobs as parents is to let them "figure it out" and let those "angel" wings flap a bit under our watchful eyes.
I will also say though, that I did intervene in school everynow and then, because then the playing field was not "level". But I was not so ignorant to think my child was always right and the teacher always wrong --
Good luck. It's fun to watch children grow and see how they adapt age wise to situations.
M.
I think you and your friend both have a piece of the right approach. First of all, never interfere in their arguements or take sides. When it turns to screaming, simply enter the room, separate them for some time away saying that "we cannot scream at each other". When that's over, talk to them about how they can use their words with one another, but NEVER take sides. They are looking to you to play judge and jury - don't do it.
It sounds like to me that they fight like sisters...my two girls (about the same ages) have the same problem. They'll work it out if given the chance, but don't allow screaming or hitting. Good luck!
Hi N.,
They are behaving like 5 and 6 year olds, thats what they do, they play and argue. I think it's totally normal behavior. As long as they dont tell you that they dont want to play together, and they are eager to play, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Let them alone. You should only intervene if it gets physical. Even though it appears to be a very hard lesson for them, they are learning how to deal with other people.
Hi. It sounds to me that they are spending too much time with each other. I have often put my daughter on time-out from a certain friend if they can't get along. I would put them on time out for a week. Let them play again and tell them, if I have any bad behavior today we will have to go on another time out for a few days or a week, etc.... I would even give a reward (ice cream or something) if they can go an entire play date with out fighting. I would also limit the time of the play dates. Thirty minutes to an hour is probably long enough.
How old do 'children' need to be to work it out? This is when they learn to handle social diversity and getting along. Ever read the book, 'Everything I Ever Needed to know I learned in Kindergarten'? Great, and funny, book. Just because as an adult you know better doesn't mean you can teach better. I always say this, if you take away your childrens learning experiences then you are going to have major problems with them learning from their experiences. Let the girls solve their issues, the only time you should intervene is if it gets physical or abusive.
B.
