15 Yr Old Put Hole in My Wall & Lied to Parents Who Believe Him

You can not convince the parents of anything, and it would be a waste of time and energy to try. Just say the boy is not longer allowed over. IF he asks why say it is because he lied about what happened and you don't feel comfortable with someone who is dishonest coming over. I would not make a bigger issue of it because it could come back to bite you son.

What Nervy Girl said, 100%.

I would also check your anger at this 15 year old. He's a kid, he screwed up, he lied about it. No need to hate him or his parents.

Tell them you are getting it repaired and will show them the bill. Then if they pay or don't, it's done the way you want. I would also take this as an opportunity to limit certain guests. You have sons who talked to you and then told the guests to leave, and you have already told them this boy is not allowed in your home. That's what I would do. I would praise your sons for being truthful and limit guests from here on. If the parents say anything about it, remind them that not only has he damaged property, but he could have seriously injured his friend, a guest in your home, for whom you were responsible. Everyone is lucky the other boy wasn't hurt worse.

We once had to lay down a similar edict when a friend of SS's deliberately threw darts at our window and broke it. Enough was enough. He was a tagalong on the main crew at best. Talk to your son and let yourselves be the "bad guys" if necessary, as long as your son abides by your rules. Your son may need to revisit when it is time to be kind and when the invite doesn't get extended..because Reasons (as the kids would say). My stepson had another friend who stole from him and he had to work it out being at school with a former friend. He did OK.

First things first: report the injury to the 2nd boy's parents and have them take their son to be evaluated for a concussion. You can offer to give them a copy of the photo of the hole in the wall in case the doctors want to see the impact. It does not matter if the kid himself says he is okay. Someone else has to evaluate him.

Next, make a decision about reporting this to the insurance company and the police. If there is a history of "horsing around" then you may not have a leg to stand on. It can be helpful to have a conversation with the place or the school resource officer to alert officials to the problem of bullying - there's not just the over-the-top behavior, there's the manipulation into lying. Your son doesn't yet know how to resist that.

Finally, you follow through on your decision to not allow this "problem" boy near your son. There was a prior incident with the ball causing a broken finger, apparently an injury at their house not involving your son, and now this. No more chances. Yes, your son most certainly can avoid this other boy. If they share a class, they still don't have to talk. If your son gets assigned to a project with this boy, he needs to speak to the teacher and get reassigned. No contact, no socializing, no intimidation.

You cannot deal with his parents. They are taking the other side of the story, and there is no way out. Since you seem to know that they have a long list of handymen who do improper repairs, don't go down that road with them. You need to have the same amount of contact with them as your son has with their son: zero. You're not going to change them. You move on. You teach your kid to choose friends more carefully, to develop a backbone about walking away, and to learn from this. His reputation is being judged by the people he associates with. He's got to find the courage to take the high road. You also need to sit down as a family and listen to him - why is he choosing this kid, this crowd, and why are all the kids allowing this excessive behavior to continue. No more "boys will be boys" attitudes on anyone's part. Everyone learns to take a stand. Your son told the kids to leave - that's a good first step.

Also think about the effect on your younger son, who is learning from what he observes here.

He's not to come over anymore.
If he shows up uninvited, walk him out.

How are you so sure you know the whole truth?
Sounds like ALL of the boys are telling lies pretty easily.
If you don't want their "blood money" or "haphazard fix" then why was the photo/summary sent to them?
They offered to have it fixed what more are you expecting?
You need to decide if this kid is allowed at your house again.
When you know better, you do better. Right?
Same goes for your son. Maybe he should chip in for the fix, or learn how to do this type of patch job, since he invited this kid and you're not interested in reparations from his folks.

I guess I'm not sure what type of advice you're looking for here.
Boys can get rough. Stuff happens, stuff breaks.
It's not like he went into a rage and put his fist through your wall.

The boy's parents offered to pay for the wall to be fixed just because their son was involved. I respect that, and naturally the story isn't going to be the same from everyone's point of view. It sounds like you already don't like the parents, so what else did you want from them? Obviously, their son is likely misrepresenting the facts so he doesn't look as bad, but I'd expect that from most kids. And most parents want to believe their own kids. That's just human nature.

If the boy has any good character he will accept responsibility and apologize to you and try to make amends.

I'd have a chat with your son about this kids' history of rough-housing getting taken way too far, and ask him to carefully think about his choice in friendships and guests. You probably don't have to forbid or say much else, and it's not likely you'll see this kid again show up at your home. Your son will make that choice almost certainly on his own. He's going to see his other friends' safety and your home security taking over as priority.

Your son sounds really great, honestly. He sent everyone home and came to you about what happened. Just keep your family focused on your concern for the poor kid whose head got slammed into the wall, and your son will see what's really important here.

I pick up that this boy is being called a bully here and there and I don't see that at all.

I see a group of boys rough housing which is what they do and someone got hurt ( not the first time). This boy has unfortunately been present at each time of conflict.

IF something like this happened at my house. I would have notified medical personnel to make sure the boy who hit his head was ok. That might cost a little $$ out of your pocket but long term... It shows you were thinking proactively in the even the parents decide he has a problem and sues you.

I know it's sick how people are so sue happy these days. You have to be prepared and act proactively.

As for the boy who lied. First, you didn't see it so you don't know the 100% truth. I'm sure no child there was a100% angel.

Forget about tit for tat on expenses. You were clear in your post that you don't want their "blood money" or "haphazard fix". I don't know what you want from this family... They offered payment .

Since you've had this issue, I would just cool the boy visits for a while and when you do have teens over, please supervise and know what they are doing.

I was in a car accident in June. The man that ran the red light was the biggest tool you would ever meet. He could very easily have killed someone I just happened to be in a new car that is fairly nice sized. He has never admitted fault, it took me till last week to get his insurance to pay 100%. Do you think for a minute I would have said, listen, I am not taking your money until you accept responsibility?

That is what you are doing. Seems pretty silly to me.

Why are you still allowing your son to be involved with this kid? He would not be allowed back in my home for any reason. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say enough is enough. This kid has repeatedly demonstrated that he is trouble. His parents seem to believe his side, so they may just be continuing to enable his behavior.

i'd be pissed too, but i can't really figure out what you want. so what if they won't admit that their asshat kid was being a jerk? they offered to pay for the damages. why not let them?
if you choose not to, what precisely is it that you'd like to see happen?
khairete
S.

I suggest this was an accident. Taking someone's phone and "wrestling" to get it back is a common teen interaction. It sounds like the boy was not trying to hurt him or damage the wall on purpose. That makes this an accident. I would not expect the other parents to pay but I would accept it when they offered if they weren't good friends. However because the boys play on the same teem and hang out together I would not accept their offer. I don't understand why this would be blood money. Perhaps you feel that way it's because of your anger.

I wouldn't like the lying but that's between the boy and his parents. However, I suggest that he didn't lie but gave a limited version. They were "wrestling": not the formal kind. Wrestling as in what kids do when trying to get something or just in fun as puppies do. You said he doesn't mean to hurt or damage property. He's a rough and tumble teen who is uncoordinated as is common for teens as there bodies change.

I suggest that you try to accept him as he is. He has a different energy level as your son. He's boisterous and your son isn't. He's different, not mean. He will grow to of it. He's a teen. I urge you to accept him. I suggest your son was right in including him. They play on the same teem and are together every day. Why would you want to ostracize one boy in the group? I suggest you are overreacting in a judgmental way focusing on one boy when all the boys were involved.

My grandaughter is 14 and I often see this sort of behaviour. She also lacks coordination and is awkward physically. If she and her friends were roughhousing in the house I would stop it and send them outside.
Do you not monitor the boys in your house? There would've been noise which is my clue to check in with them.? Teens need supervision. You can supervise without being in their face.

You can tell your son that there will be no roughhousing. E should get you so that you can deal with the situation.Try to see this incident as complex involving several people and more then the issue of lying.

First I don't think he lied. He stated what happened from his viewplint. His words aren't the same as yours but he described what happened pretty much the same way you did. Second this was an accident. Third this happened in your home. You should be the one to talk with all the boys about rough housing. You are responsible for what happens in your home. You are not responsible for what happens elsewhere.You cannot expect parents to do anything but to offer to pay for the damage. You are in charge in your home and responsible to deal with situations in your home. These parents weren't there. Actually you weren't either. Your son told you what he saw which may or may not be completely true. When there are several people witnessing a situation it's rare that they agree on what happened. It's your home. You expect certain behaviour. It's your responsibility to make them rules and enforce them.

Make this a learning experience for all of you. Whether or not they kids lied is not important. What happened and how to prevent it should be there goal. You cannot tell parents how to parent. You wouldn't like it if they told you that you weren't providing enough supervision.

Added: protecting other children from what may or may not happen outside your home is also not your responsibility. You notified his parents. What they do or don't do is up to them. They are responsible for their son: not you.

I don't get it. Your house should have rules and your children should know them. Perhaps something like, 3 friend limit, no rough-housing indoors, this person is not allowed inside, and when there is a problem, tell your parents.

With that said, kids don't always follow the rules.

So if this were to happen in my home, I would likely say, you and you are grounded...so and so was in the house, you were rough-housing inside, and there were 5 people inside the house.

As well, I would have still made the other parents aware and I would not accept their money either.

What I don't get is how this kid is on a travel team with your son, he is so strong that he doesn't know his strength (I bet every kid on the team is strong), he was the only kid rough housing, he got through your front door and you were not aware, and so on. So what I am saying, is that this kid can't be the only one to blame here. I'm not excusing what he did, but how did this entire thing go down and everyone was kicking back and being cool? If that is so, why do you allow him in your home?

I think you have to take a step back and think about the whole picture. Don't allow him in your home, but don't be so ready to blame one kid.

Yes, just today, I was talking to another parent and she said she would not allow her daughter to take skate lessons at a particular rink because of two other girls who are a problem and go there. Those type kids exist, but if they are a problem, you stay away from them and tell your kids to keep their distance when possible.

Diane B and Nervy Girl are giving extremely good advice here. I hope you will take this to heart.

These boys who were at your house asked your son not to invite this kid over. They quite evidently feel the burden of this boy's behavior and didn't want him there. That this shrimp of a boy whose head got pushed into the wall would lie for the boy means that he is afraid of what he might do to him when no one is looking.

Have his parents been told about what happened to his head? How much time has elapsed? I hope he really is okay.

You had better not just "navigate" this with your son. You had better take a stand as well. This kid shows up at your door and walks in regardless of what your son says next time? You walk him right back out and tell him that you won't have anyone in your house who puts a kid's head through a wall and manipulates people to lie about how it happened. You tell him that he may be pulling wool over his parents' eyes, but he isn't pulling the wool over your eyes and he is not welcome.

You need to privately talk to the parents of these other kids, M.. If they let that boy into their homes, he will do the same kind of thing there. And what if your son is there when he shows up? His head might be next.

First, IMHO, what the kid told his parents is not a blatant lie. The other kid was trying to get the phone back, so yes, they were wrestling/horsing around. The other kid could have simply asked for it and waited for the kid to give it to him - I doubt he thought that the kid would take it home with him.

The other event you described was an accident. They happen all the time, especially with teen boys.

The fact that the other boy was at the subject boy's home with him after the event belies your allegation that none of the boys wanted him to be there. If that were the case, why did the boy go to the boy's home?

The parents offered to pay for the fix - you want to decline. What else do you want them to do? It was an accident.

Your son should just be honest with the boy in the future when things come up and tell him that after the wall incident, you won't allow him to come over any more. That puts is on you, not your son, which is where it belongs.

FYI - most parents probably feel the same way as you and your hubby about lying - doesn't mean it doesn't happen. And really, your kids could get away with it because you obviously believe every word they utter.

You weren't there. If you don't want stuff going on down there that you don't know about then I suggest an adult finds a reason to hang out where the kids when they are there.

We don't allow the kids to hang out where an adult can't see them. Period. No closed doors if there is more than 1 kid in the bedroom. Period. If it's shut with friends in there they lose their bedroom door.

One of my bf's my entire life was pregnant at 15 and so were several of her friends. Her mom and dad built their basement into a teen hangout and invited hundreds of kids to come hang out over the years. It had a pool table with a hanging light over it like in a bar or pool hall, they put in a juke box and an area the kids could dance, they had 2 or 3 huge couches and big TV's.

The kids loved to come over and hang out. They had places they could sneak off to have sex. They could tell when an adult was coming down and they'd scramble to get apart and pulled back together.

Even though yours is boys now that doesn't mean a girl won't be part of it at some point in the future. Don't let kids hang out where you can't see what's going on for yourself.

I suggest you put in a camera or spend time when kids are there.

I cannot abide lying. I also cannot abide people that cannot accept resposibility for their behaviors.

I think you handled it fine, but I would accept money to fix the wall. It would prove to them you know their son did the damage and needs to be held accountable even if THEY are the ones paying for him.I concur he should not be allowed back into your home.

Your son did just fine. Empower your son to speak up no these situations as he did, he is allowed to host people, but he also needs to know you trust him to keep things under control and to speak up and or get you to come and back him up.

I have been mulling this over since you posted it and agree with most of Diane B's advice. I agree that this should probably be reported to the police so at least there is some paper trail, etc, that is started.
Since the latest incident occurred at your house there is a huge liability issue!

The boy, whose head was shoved through the wall ... Please tell us that his parents were informed of the incident? Minor brain trauma or a minor concussion could have occurred and unless you are a trained in spotting this then ... Who is to say if he is truly okay.
The police should also report this to the school resource officer. If that kind of communication doesn't occur in your town then yes, l would have to agree that the school needs to be informed of this bullying behavior.

I am not as concerned about your son being manipulated into lying because he told you the truth when his friends weren't around. For anyone to go against the bully in front of a group of people, let alone a teenager in front of his friends is very difficult. (Most adults don't stand up to the bully at work, etc, because it can cause more damage then it can help.)

I disagree that your son is not going to be able to stop all communication with the bully BUT your son does need to learn how to distance himself from this boy and if they are grouped together for assignments at school then they can be dealt with on a case by case basis.
You do need to set some limits/rules with your son regarding this bully; e.g. not allowed at your house or on your property, your son cannot go to the bullies house, etc. Your son will be unable to avoid the bully completely because it would probably mean losing some of his other friends and not being able to participate in activities, etc. (Unreasonable demand). Your son is going to have to get a back bone about your house and property.

Also, this boy needs to be kept away from your younger son as much as possible, thus not allowing the bully in your home. You need to sit down with both of your boys and tell them, point blank, that they cannot lie to you and explain that this bully is manipulating everyone and why that is wrong, etc. Your boys might not be able to stand up in front of the group and call the bully out but they MUST know that they should always tell you the truth.

I agree with Diane B that your sons need to learn that they will be judged, now and forever, by the company they keep. I also agree that you shouldn't even try to deal with the bullies parents.
Also, 'the boys will be boys' thing is absolute B/S and a cop out for males across our country. There is no such thing ad 'boys will be boys' it is an excuse so that we don't expect men to grow up and live up to higher standards.

Kudos to your son for kicking everyone out. Make sure you tell your son how 'brave he was for drawing the line and making everyone leave.' (Your son is a good boy and did what needed to be done.)

If it were me, I'd just tell my son that he is to have no contact with this boy outside of school. If the boy shows up, tell him directly to his face that he is no longer welcome on your property due to the injuries he's caused. Sometimes kids don't realize the impact their actions have until someone spells it out for them. He needs to learn that there are consequences in life. If his own parents won't teach him, he won't learn unless someone else does.