Seeking Help on LYING

I had problems with my step son and daughter lying at age 7, too! With my stepson (who LOVES money) we made him pay 25 cents for every lie and then he had to send it (himself) to a charity. With my daughter, she lost 15 minutes (at bedtime) for each lie. One night she had to go to bed at 6:00 because she had lied 10 times. Lying is a habit that will take time and consistency to break. The other important thing to realize is that your stepson is being raised by 2 families (he's got 2 homes and therefore 2 different sets of rules to live by.) You can't expect or ask the mother to change. Surely, whether she's a liar or not, she would agree that a child lying is a "bad" thing and maybe you can get her to engage in dialogue to problem solve/brain storm remedies so that he gets the same punishment from one home to the other. I think its great that the mom comes to you instead of your fiance! Its probably a lot more peaceful (as opposed to fighting) for your stepson! Good luck!

This is probably a better response since it's age related...

Liar, Liar
What to say when she twists the truth
By Arrica Sansone

If you’ve ever caught your child in a lie, you know how maddening it can be — and how hard to find the right thing to say.

“Kids lie for the same reason adults do — to avoid unpleasant consequences,” says Charles Thompson, Ph.D., professor of educational psychology and counseling at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. If you can show your child that you’re not going to blow your top once you know the truth, she may not even try to put one over on you next time. Here, how to respond — and what not to say — if she comes out with one of these common kid lies:

The lie: "I already brushed my teeth."
The bad response: "No, you didn't. I can tell you did use your toothbrush."
The better response: "Let's do it together anyway."

The lie: "Daddy said I could."
The bad response: "Daddy would never say you could do that."
The better response: "Then let's wait until Daddy's home so we can talk it over together."

The lie: "I didn't break the window/toy/remote control."
The bad response: "I know you're lying so you won't get in trouble."
The better response: "I think you're worried I'll get angry if you tell the truth, but I know that accidents happen. Can we think of a way to fix it?"

The lie: "My friend said I could keep her favorite toy."
The bad response: "I don't believe that. You can't just take things like that."
The better response: "That's nice, but we should call her parents to make sure she asked them about giving it away."
Parenting 2005

Teaching Your Child Right From Wrong
Ways to help her learn to be honest and more, even when you're not around
By Margaret Renkl

A few years ago, my husband went to pick up our eldest child from a playdate at a neighbor's house. At 4, absentminded Sam had already lost a number of other kids' toys, so when he asked his dad if he could bring home an action figure, Haywood reminded him of our new no-borrowing rule. As he and Sam were leaving, though, Haywood heard the other child whisper, "Quick, put it in your pocket — your dad's not looking!" Sam did.

On the way home, Haywood casually asked about the playdate, but Sam was quiet, both fists jammed in his coat pockets, his shoulders hunched in misery. By the time they'd walked the two blocks to our house, Sam had started to cry. At the back door, he finally held up the contraband Power Ranger, openly weeping. "I'm sorry, Daddy," he choked. "I did the wrong thing."

This tearful confession presented a complicated dilemma for Haywood: Should Sam be punished for breaking a rule? Or praised for coming clean? Neither, say experts.

Discipline strategies like time-outs don't address the deeper questions of right and wrong that lie beneath our expectations for truthfulness and cooperation. But praising a child who knows he's done wrong and feels terrible about it sends a mixed message. A better route: Recognize the situation as a chance to have the kind of conversation that helps kids develop a conscience — and the strength to do the right thing on their own. (It turns out that Haywood did the right thing himself when he sat down on the back steps with Sam and said, "I'm glad you told me the truth, buddy, but what do you think you can do next time so this doesn't happen again?")

Preschool is the ideal time to start having these talks. While it's never too early to begin teaching concepts like honesty and respect, when toddlers are "good" it's because they prefer rewards to punishment, not because they can grasp why a behavior is wrong. When kids start testing rules and boundaries, and can understand why a certain misdeed is unacceptable, teachable moments abound. Some typical preschool transgressions, and how to make the best of them:

Telling a Whopper

Tim Guerrero, 4, and his 3-year-old sister, Emma, were playing nicely until Emma asked to borrow Tim's toy. When he refused, Emma snatched it out of his hand. Outraged, Tim slapped her in the face. When their mom, Millie, came in to ask what the fuss was about, Emma screamed, "Tim hit me!" The boy emphatically denied the accusation: "No, I didn't! I did not hit Emma!" But Guerrero, of Bayville, New Jersey, could plainly see a flaming-red, Tim-size handprint on her daughter's cheek.

Reality check: A bald-faced lie about a misdeed may add insult to injury, but there's no need for parents to go ballistic. The same lack of impulse control that leads a child to break a rule can also lead him, in the heat of the moment, to try to cover his tracks.

What to say: Avoid directly questioning a child's truthfulness ("Can you look me right in the eye and tell me you didn't do this?"); you'll likely cause him to dig himself an even deeper hole, says Michael Riera, Ph.D., coauthor of Right From Wrong: Instilling a Sense of Integrity in Your Child. Guerrero might have done well to say something like "I can see that you and Emma are both very upset. Is there anything you want to tell me?" If Tim had stuck to his story, she could have tried pushing a bit: "Are you sure? You look a little uncomfortable when you say that you didn't hit Emma. I know people make mistakes sometimes, especially when they're mad about something, but it's still important to tell the truth, even when you make a mistake."

What to do: Once she made sure that no one was seriously hurt, Guerrero could have sat down with Tim and asked him why he hit his sister and what he could have done instead, offering suggestions if he was having trouble. If Tim was truly sorry, then Guerrero might have helped him brainstorm ways to make Emma feel better (offering her a damp cloth to hold against her cheek, for instance). Then she could have reminded them both (no reason not to let Emma in on the lesson) why they need to be honest.

Saying Hurtful Things

Jacob and Henry Ives's Morrison, Colorado, living room was the epitome of calm as the two brothers sat side by side, building wooden-block towers. Then disaster struck: Just when 6-year-old Jacob's tower was getting really tall, Henry, 4, bumped into it and the elaborate skyscraper tumbled to the floor. Jacob started to cry. Henry was devastated. "I'm sorry, Jacob," he said over and over. "I'm sorry I knocked down your tower!" But Jacob was furious. "I'll never forgive you!" he blurted. Henry ran sobbing to their mom, Christine.

Reality check: Little kids have strong feelings and a weak vocabulary — their ability to express complicated emotions like frustration and anger is limited, so they often resort to name-calling or unkind words.

What to say: Ives could have helped Jacob develop a "feelings vocabulary" by naming the emotion that motivated him: "When you're angry, it's okay to say, 'I'm mad at you' or 'I'm really upset that you knocked down my building,' but it's not okay to say mean things. That kind of language makes Henry feel sad. Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if you made a mistake and you were sorry, but I told you I wouldn't accept your apology anyway?"

What to do: In this case, a breather from each other might have been effective — in large part to give Jacob a chance to cool down so that he could really hear what his mom was saying. But it's not a good idea to force kids to make an insincere apology; that only fuels their anger. "Instead of creating a battle of wills to get the big 'I'm sorry,' it's more meaningful to show empathy toward the child who was hurt," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of family support services at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. Ives might have said to Henry, "I'm so sorry Jacob hurt your feelings. I know you must be feeling really sad about that."

Breaking a Rule

My three boys are allowed to play pretty much anywhere they like in our house, except for the living room. Nevertheless, one day Joe, 4, and Henry, 6, wound up in there, joyfully ambushing each other from behind the curtains. Joe slipped and crashed into a table holding family photos and other memorabilia. He wasn't hurt, but several items smashed onto the hardwood floor, including a small ceramic sculpture made from a model of Henry's hand. Joe took one look at those pieces of clay scattered all over the floor, understood immediately that he'd ruined something irreplaceable, and burst into tears. Henry, brokenhearted over the destruction of his sculpture, also started to sob.

Reality check: Although Henry and Joe didn't mean to break a cherished memento, they were certainly breaking a family rule by horsing around in the living room. So I acted on my first impulse, which was to say, "No TV for either of you for a week!" But it would have been more effective if I had used this incident as a chance for my kids to think about the real reason behind our rule.

What to say: To Henry: "You must be sad that your sculpture is broken." To Joe: "I can see that you feel bad about ruining Henry's artwork." To both: "Why do you think you aren't allowed to play in the living room?" They ought to conclude (perhaps with my help), "Because there are things in here that might get hurt if we play near them."

What to do: In this case, Henry and Joe already felt horrible, so following through on my no-TV threat would have been pointless. I realized that what they both needed was a chance to put things right — neatly setting the fallen items back on the table, helping me glue the fingers back on the ceramic hand, and so on. This would do more to help them develop a conscience—and reinforce the value of this particular rule — than a time-out or the loss of a privilege. After all, the real goal of discipline isn't to punish. It's to help kids really want to do the right thing.

Contributing editor Margaret Renkl wrote "Stop Those Germs!" in the November issue.

Being the best role model
You're desperately trying to get through a stack of bills before the baby wakes up. When the phone rings, you call to your husband (who's playing with your 4-year-old), "If it's my mother, just tell her I'm out." Bad plan: "Children learn by example, and they're not able to tell the difference between so-called little white lies and more clear-cut dishonesty," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., of Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. The good news is that you can use kids' copycat tendencies to reinforce integrity. Let your children see you wrestling with a dilemma, as Susan Hoskyns of Phoenix did three years ago. She'd taken her four kids, ages 3 through 12, to lunch before a play. Rushing out so as not to be late, she forgot to pay the check. They were a half hour away from the restaurant when she realized it. She pulled the car over and told the kids what had happened. Their responses ranged from "Wow, a free lunch!" to "Are they going to arrest us?" Finally, they agreed it was right to turn back and settle the bill. "We missed the show, but nobody forgot the lesson," says Hoskyns. "Even now I'll hear one of my kids say, 'We need to do the right thing — just like that lunch.'"
Off to the right start
Although it'll be some time before he can learn rules or grasp why a behavior's not desirable, it's not too early to start teaching a toddler right from wrong, says Barbara Polland, Ph.D., author of No Directions on the Package: Questions and Answers for Parents With Children From Birth to Age 12. Between 1 and 2, kids begin to defy their parents: You say, "No, no, not for Owen," but Owen reaches for the sewing scissors anyway — with his eyes locked right on yours to see how you'll react. "The first time a baby deliberately disobeys, many parents are so surprised that they laugh out loud," says Polland. "But that's likely to encourage the very behavior you're trying to correct." Instead, repeat the rule and explain it simply in a firm voice ("Scissors are sharp; they can hurt little boys"). Then remove them. He won't get it, but you'll reinforce the idea that there are reasons for your expectations.

Parenting, February 2004

Lying and Dishonesty

Most children, from kindergarten through about the second grade, go through the lying stage. They may be very unskilled with their fibbing, or they may be as clever as Joe Isuzu. But they’re lying all the same.

Dishonesty can turn parents purple with frustration. After all, who wants to raise kids with integrity problems? But we are often at a distinct disadvantage because, frankly, we don’t know if they’re telling the truth or not!

If we catch them in the act, that’s one thing. But if we merely suspect fibbing, all of our investigative questioning, done when our kids might be telling the truth, may breed a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s been said that if we wrongly accuse our kids twice for the same thing, they’ll set out to prove us right. You can almost hear them say with a sigh, “You think I do it anyway, so I might as well do it.” That does not mean, however, that we can’t discuss lying with our children. Some healthy doubt is okay.

When talking to our kids about a suspected lie, make sure they’re doing the thinking. One effective technique goes like this: “Do you think I believe you right now, or do you think I don’t believe you?” If our kids respond with “But, I’m telling the truth,” we should resist taking an accusatory tone. Calling children liars is like throwing a grenade at a squad of Green Berets. Kids will fight back – insisting that they’re telling the truth – simply to protect themselves.

If we think a child is lying, it’s better to say, “If it’s the truth and I don’t believe you, then that’s sad for both of us. But if it’s a lie and I don’t believe you, then it’s double sad for you.” First, the child is telling a lie, and second, he or she is around people who don’t believe him or her.

Many parents run scared from saying, “I don’t believe you” to their kids. They fear that saying it will somehow destroy the bond of mutual trust. But the phrase is useful. Kids don’t have a comeback to it – they can only defend their honesty. We’re not calling them liars; we’re simply stating that we don’t believe them. That makes them do the thinking.

However, if we know our child is lying – if we’ve caught him in the act – then the dialogue is over. We say, “Ken, you did hit Doug in the face. No matter what you say, I saw you do it. Now how are you going to make it right?” The act has occurred, the child is guilty. The only question is: What is the child going to do about it?

Generally, honesty is conveyed to our kids through our actions, not our commands. We need to step back and analyze the model we are presenting our kids. Do we ever ask our kids to lie for us? Have we ever whispered into our children’s ears “I’m not home” when somebody we don’t want to talk to calls on the phone? Do our kids ever see one parent call in sick for the other parent, just because Dad or Mom doesn’t want to go to work that day? Have we made up lame excuses (translated, lies) to get out of social of church obligations? Have we promised items to our children, and then changed our mind, or vice versa; told her children that we are going some place, and decided not to? These things may be little, true, but they have more impact on our kids than all the lectures about honesty we could ever deliver.

When kids do tell the truth, love-and-logic parents respond with support. We must say, “Thank you for being honest. I’m sure it was hard for you to tell me that. I bet it was hard on you to know you made that mistake. That is really sad.” Then we drop the issue.

Too many parents tell their kids, “It’s better for you if you tell the truth,” then they punish their kids for what they did wrong. Such a statement might be true in the long run, but most kids see life through short-run eyes. If they are grounded for a month in punishment for a “crime,” it is clearly not better for them to tell the truth the next time.

Rather, we should be more sad for our kids than angry. The consequences will do the teaching, not some unrelated punishment we might impose.

-END-

This is directly from Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay - www.loveandlogic.com

My two oldest children (now 17 & 13) are funny with lying. My son will tell the truth, no matter what; especially if it's something you don't want to hear. My daughter will try to fib her way out of anything, even if it's something that isn't a big deal. The difference between the 2 is my son was always in trouble & really just didn't care about getting in trouble. (not that he's a bad kid, but he was an adventerous boy) My daughter was seldom in trouble, very quiet, just all around good kid. So when she did something she remotely thought might get her in trouble,she lied.What works is just telling her she'll always be in worse trouble if she lies. So if she did something that warrented being grounded for a couple day, lying about it made it a week punishment.
Good luck- D.

Good Morning! My personal opinion would be to look into some kind of therapy as there may be something going on that no one is aware of.

Godd morning,

I am a lying child of divorced parents. My father remarried when I was 9. I can't really say what the reason was(psychologicaly), but I lied about everything. Looking back on it now, I think it might have been a defense mechanism. One of the big issues that we had was inconsistancy.

I remember thinking, at the time, that I just wanted some parents that acted like grown ups. He's testing you. And it might not stop regardless of your efforts.

Taking him to a therapist won't fix the problem. I remember spending hours sitting in the office of one therapist or another. The bottom line is he needs some parental consistancy. If you can show him that you love him despite the lies, it will help a lot.

Don't let him get away with stuff he lies about, just be creative about correcting the situation. The last thing he needs is to feel picked on. The less you emphasize the lies the quicker they'll go away.

I hope you're able to use some of this info. and give that kid a hug for me...Warmest regards...K.

Have you tried bringing him to a councilor? I had to bring my daughter to one.

oh boy oh boy, i know what its like to come into and instant family where the mother lies about the kids being somewhere. i get that a lot in my family. so my step-daughter also thinks its ok to lie becuse she heards her mother do it. i tell her its not good to lie becuse i dont do that to her. shes 12 now though and its getting worse for me as well. lying is something you shouldnt tollerate and you need to tell your step-son that. i usually send my step-daughter to her room until so she can think about it, not that she lives here all the time, my husband and his ex have joint custody. then again shes so stubborn she will stay in that room for hours. i let her be for a bit then ask her if shes ready to tell me the truth. eventually she realized i wont take being lied to and now she wont do it. every child is diffrent too. what works for one mom may not work for you, so try diffrent thigns to get the responce you're looking for from your ste-son. hope this works and good luck with your wedding!

Hi F.!
My mom has been an elementary teacher for 30 years and one thing she says to a lying kid that I always liked was, "Wouldn't it be amazing/nice/weird if that were true?"
Then the kid says, IT IS TRUE. And she laughs and says, "Oh Billy, you are so silly."
I have to say that I don't think punishment is the way to go as he is already receiving such mixed messages (ie mommy lies too)
I think compassion and understanding is the way to go. I think each lie merits a conversation about where the lie is coming from? Why THIS lie? Does he say it because mommy did? Or because he's afraid to tell the truth? Or because it's more interesting than the truth? Tackling the reasons behind the lies will be more meaningful than temporary punishments. He's so young, that he may not fully understand why he's being punished anyway!
Rewarding truthfulness would be cool too.
Like, "Oh Billy, I am so glad to know what REALLY happened to you! You are so interesting!"
Anyway, take it or leave it.
AV

Good luck on your wedding..you have a lot waiting for you at the end of your honeymoon. My advice is something you can take or not take but I think I should flip the coin for you on this and be the advocate of the other side. You say you love your stepsons like your own...then do so. Your opinions of their mother are not necessary. She will be their mother always and as they grow they will form their own opinions of her. If you supply them with your perspective on things, not blaming their behavior on anyone but just letting them know that when they are at your house you want to love them completely and that you can't do that if they lie to you..they will never get to know you and you will never get to know them that way. Create your own experiences with them and talk about that with them so they get a feeling of how it is to be loved by you and that they don't have to protect or mess up the truth in order to please anyone...they are feeling disloyal it sounds in their position and lying is often a consequence of that in order to try and remain neutral or to swing things to let you know how they are feeling. You sound like you are competing with a ghost...he has moved on and is marrying you tomorrow...let go..you already won..

You already got such a great response about the lying, so I'm only going to comment about the mother/stepmother part.

It's my opinion that you should NOT be in the middle of the issues between the mother, your fiance and this child. You're not even the stepmother yet and even if you were, this is not your child. I realize you'll be doing "mommy duties" when the kids are around...but you're STILL the outsider.

You say the mother refuses to deal with your fiance. If you "butt out," she'll have no choice but to deal with him. I realize you and your fiance don't agree with the way the mother is raising him, but frankly, NOT shutting your mouth when you see something wrong isn't going to change her and will only push her farther away. Since vinegar is not working, maybe you should try honey. Try being polite and helpful and non-confrontational with her, maybe after some time has passed, she'll not feel so defensive when dealing with your and your fiance that she'll start being more cooperative.

Your fiance needs to be approachable to the mother, making it easier for her to deal with him. He doesn't have to be her best buddy, but he DOES have to be polite, no matter how she treats him. Being less than polite only causes more friction and that is not helpful. This situation will not improve between them unless he puts real effort into it.

If you're marrying into this (broken) family, you'll have to deal with her for MANY years. Why not wipe the slate clean, for the sake of your children and your OWN sanity and make every attempt to work WITH her? She's not perfect, but nobody is. WIth the knowledge that she's not the world's best mother, expect her to screw up. When she surprises you and steps up to the plate, give her lots of sincere feedback and you might find that she'll try to step up more often.

Good luck.

F.,

Good luck with the wedding. Us step moms have it so hard and trust me I understand, I'm a stepmom as well and I went through the exact same thing with my step daughter and it was horrible. For the most part it is an attention grabber usually, so we ignored it for a while and it got a little better. She still does it once in a while and now that she is 9 we punish her by making her do chores or not letting her friend from next door come over. But it seems as though he may be looking for attention and he doesn't realize that what he is doing is not the way to get it. So again, i would tell him I know your telling a lie and I don't want to discuss it anymore, go play in your room and when your ready to stop lieing come and play with us. Because then he isn't getting the negative attention from you and he will stop after a little while. I know it sound crazy but it really did work.

Hope this helps,
A.

Well for one thing Congrats on the upcoming marriage!! For second, I am a step mom of two children myself and I know how it is to be the "LUCKY" ONE to be picked to talk ( I have the same wonderful thing, and on top of that i am the one that has to talk to my Ex!!!!!!), as far as that goes, just grin and bear it ( no advice on that one just deal with it) as far as the lying thing, well MY 8 yr old daughter went through that "stage", for lack of better words. It is all learned by example, so if the "mom" lies, then it won't be an easy battle. I would punish my Daughter 9 and so would my Husband ( her step dad) RIGHT when we caught her. The punishment that we would use started out with the no TV, no snacks,etc, but that just wasn't working, so we upgraded the punishment, she lied she lost EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING in her room ( I hope you have a place to put the stuff somewhere) she only had her bed ( which almost got taken apart and the matterss put on the floor), blanket, one pillow. Everything else was taken out ( night light, toy's, dresser's, even the stuff animal she slept with, I even picked out an outfit for her to wear every day). After we did that,and two days after we took things out of her room, each night BEFORE she went to bed My hisband and Myself picked out something that she could have back. ( obviously we picked the dresser, clothes, and then we picked out night light and stuff like that)The ONLY way she would get something back at night was if she was good during the day.It took awhile for her to get things back, but she is doing better when she is at my house. It was also a big BIG headache on us since we live in a small house, but we made do. The big thing is you and their dad have to be on the same side as this. Also we have 4 kids all together so we made the punishment for doing something that they weren't suppose to do less server if they told the truth when first asked then if they lied. It's going to be a long road, but if you love your husband, and your soon to be stepson's ( which you sound like you do) you'll turn into a MOM and you'll make it. If ya need a person to talk to about being a StepMOM don't heitate to type me. Like I said i have 4 kids ( 2 girls of my own and 1 stepson, 1 stepdaughter). I have to say being a MOM is a difficult job that we are sooooooo under paid for, but being a Step MOM is harder, but it's worth all of the time!!!!!!!!!