Step Child in Unfair Custody Battle

Before you make any big changes, I would suggest that all parties envolved be evaluated by a family counselor. They will talk with each child and adult individually and everyone together. If someone is telling a tale it will soon come to light.

Having said that if you are in a committed relationship and you don't think it would hold on if you had to make a "temporary" adjustment for the good of the children, doesn't that worry you a little?

Blessings.....

Custody "battles" bring out the worst in everyone, because they are battles. If the mother is intent on making accusations, then if you move out she will accuse him of providing "an unstable home". Do you have a good, competent lawyer who can ignore what can be ignored and focus on what a family judge will take into account? Are you having a custody evaluation, where someone will come to your home and evaluate the real situation (that is done in MN, maybe not in all states)? One thing that might work in your favor is to take the entire family to a family counselor.

Ask his lawyer if a camera in the house taping all interactions between the kids and how the house is in general would help prove the case? Then get like Nanny cams in the house do not tell the kids and tape it so everyone gets a good picture of what is up and when they ask the kids if they knew they were being taped they can all say NO honestly.

I am sorry that is all I have as a suggestion, I have never gone thru this, I am so sorry you all have to go thru this.

Good luck to all of you.

If it were me I would not expose my kids or myself to that drama. Maybe it's unfair - maybe she is completely wrong - but that's the reality. Are you really willing to deal with this for 10 more years (when his child reaches 18)?

You have two years until your child is an adult - if it were me I wouldn't squander any time, energy or resources on this other situation. I would wait until my son was grown up and then, if I was still interested in this guy, see what happens (and see what the situation is with the ex).

Good luck.

I would suggest your fiance stop fighting for custody. Why? If this "mother" is influencing their son to lie, it will just be a matter of time before that same thing will back fire on her. He should do all he can to be a supportive and loving father without having custody. This is very hard to do but I have watched with my own eyes this work itself out. His son won't always be 8.

Your son shouldn't be the bad guy here. I know things happen and kids bruise and some kids bruise easily but you must save the reputation of your son as well. If their is more than one incident of bruising or scratching, the 8 year old really isn't safe around the 16 year old. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your 8 year old coming home bruised. No more rough housing. I know that is hard for boys but it is very, very necessary in this case.

If your fiance chooses not to drop the custody thing because of what ever the reason, the two of you may need to table the seriousness of your relationship for the meantime and between time. If it is so "easy" to come to a decision to abandon your relationship your may be in for an divorce even before you begin.

Even as I type these things, I'm hurting for you but you have a 16 year old son to raise and protect from accusations. May prayers go out to you all. This is a tough sitiuation.

I also would like to know why he is fighting for custody. Is she an unfit mother? I know that if I had an ex and he was trying to take my kids from me and I was a good mother, I am sure I would do the same thing because I would NOT want my kids taken from me.OR If I was with someone and they were the cause of me not being able to have my kids, I would ask them to move out or move out myself, no matter what happened to the relationship because my kids come first. I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, so sorry.

All things considered, I think you & your son should move out.

1. I disagree with the other posters who think he shouldn't fight for custody. He is his father just as much as she is his mother. One should not back off just because the other is encouraging the son to lie. If Dad is fighting for custody because he has the best interest of his son at heart, he should at least fight for joint custody. 2. False accusations are false accusations...you shouldn't just roll-over for them. You and your fiance need to stand up for your son. I would however recommend that your son not play rough any longer...it is only going to protect him in the end. Document any/everything...any marks he has when you get him (date and time included) and when he leaves your care as well. 3. You and your fiance need to figure out what you are going to do. I would not choose any partner if doing so would cost me my children. That said, if his son is not being beaten by your son, it shouldn't cost him his son. If you are going to remain his fiance moving out is only a temporary solution...what would you do when you get married?

sorry but there is no reason for a 16 yr old to touch an 8 yr old. My son was constantly bullied by his step brother to the point where he was begging and crying not to go to his dad's house but believe me this kid has a bunch of other issues that I don't care to go into detail about on here. His dad in the end decided to spend less time with his own son and stay living with his gf and her son and only visiting w/ our son a few hours every other weekend. I think you guys just need to lay down the laws of the house. There should be no hitting in the house. Just because they are boys does not mean that they need to wrestle and beat each other up. Another thing to keep in mind is the boy is 8 he could be coming home and saying "Joe hit me" as a response when asked how he got a bruise which is what happened if your son hit him too hard. A simple hands to yourself at all times would fix that now wouldn't it.

I agree about wanting to know why he is fighting for custody. Does his son really want that? If he is lying to the courts: is he doing it because he really wants to stay with his mom? I understand that kids play rough sometimes and have scratches or bruises. Courts are not stupid. If she is going in with pictures of occasional small wounds, they will not believe her accusations (trust me they have seen it all). Maybe instead of moving out: you and your fiance should set some new rules about what is considered appropriate "play" in the home. My 5 year old sings a great song which says "keep your hands to yourself".....

The truth always prevails and the truth will set you free. Her main argument or her main "proof" is based upon the behavior of your son so take away everything she has. Remove yourself and him from the home. I know that has got to prove to be difficult for the both of you but if this is the guy for you then the relationship will only build in strength. If it falls apart then it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Understand and realize though that this isn't your guy's first choice he has to do this in order to get his son....would you not do the same? Relationships are about sacrafices and unfortunately it looks like this will be one of them. Just know that once you take away her ammo she will most likely find another thing so its best to remove yourself from the situation so you stay out of the firing wall.

I don't suggest involving the child such as the mother is doing

I don't know why mothers are automatically assumed to be the best custodial parent.

I'd get rid of the idea that "they are boys" and so hitting is okay if it's not too hard. Stop the physical stuff now, on everyone's part! A 16 year old ought to be able to keep his hands to himself, and an 8 year old needs to stop wrestling or horsing around with someone bigger than him. Enough already. Then you can say it's not allowed in your home.

If you don't think your relationship will hold on through this drama, that's a huge consideration. Why isn't it strong enough? Is this the guy for you?

Giving in to her nonsense encourages more of it, but staying in this situation encourages more lying too. You cannot reason with her, and the courts have heard a zillion complaints like this with one party saying the kids get hurt and the other saying "She's exaggerating." She's not calling DFS, is she? Custody discussions should involve the two parties and the lawyers or mediators, not the kids. Any parent who involves the child is doing that child a disservice. My husband's ex did that, and both kids have long-lasting issues even in their early 30s.

If you move out, you're giving in to the ex. But if you don't think your relationship with your fiance will hold up, then it may not make sense to move your son into this situation, or to put your relationship under that kind of stress. If you live separately, and your fiance gets custody, there will not be anything in the agreement that says he cannot remarry. However, if you live separately, he and you are telling his children that you are secondary, and it may be difficult to establish yourself once you move back in.