13 Year Old with a Boyfriend

Hay,mom to mom,
I have 8 childern and 4 grandchildern...I still have a 8 boy, 11 girl and 13 boy, still at home,my husbund is very protective of the girls and has higher exspictations of the boys,we have had battels over who our 14 girl dates(back in her day)....but the more we refuse to agree with her choices,the more determined she is to date those ones and (we were young and in love from week to week),when I just stoped trying to step in the middle and let my husbund have his lexsure to her and I quietly bit my toung off,it gave both of them time to fight it out and see,how different oppinuated they were,...saying I have a boyfreind,is so different then in our day,when I had a chance to let them know my oppinion,I gave it calmly and with reason,and left it at that,to fight or get upset..or try to change hubbys mind,showed my daughter,I agreed with her and hubby,I was agenst him...I found,the less,I talked or ingaged in thier feelings and sent up prayers,the faster she and daddy could get along untill the next boy came along,I learn to stand by my hubby and let our kids know we are a team and the adults,they can raise thier kids as they choose,but..we have made our choice to dissagree with you dating and leave it alone,I pick and choose my battels and convincing hubby,hes wrong or daughter she is wrong,is to tiring,I just walk away and pray for both of them, and myself,to keep my toung in my mouth...LOL
As long as she is doing good in school and acting approprite,your doing good !!!! life is to short to spend it fighting over somthing that can take place behind your back,if pussed to far and thats worse to deal with then,this...
Girls are dadys little princess and boys are mommys little heros,thank goodness you have them to embrace,once they are gone and married,they look back and laugh at how you felt on dating and 9x out of 9,they raise thier kids the same and arrgue,with you that they are nothing like you were ...its always worse,what they went through...remember hearing how your parents walked up hill 20miles to school and another 20 miles UP HILL BACK HOME AGAIN !!! LOL, its always larger to a young person,then it is to adults...becuse we have been there and see where it could go,set your boundries and stand by your man,no matter how over reactive he can be,you know...HE IS A MAN..(they come from Mars..)LOL
you love him enough to bite your toung off and pray till,the cows come home or till,the kids are not home...good luck and GOD BLESS !!
Im praying for you...its easy for me, after all these years..LOL

I made a sign for my mom...and you may be able to see it in yourself...Mirror,Mirror,on the well...I am my mother after ALL !!!!!
Remind hubby,girls look for boys that remind them of thier fathers and that may be why,hes ballistic at times..LOL
Take time to love them,through this growing stage and trust in what you have set your values at,she will feel safe and make good choices and if not,deal with that as it comes,WITH LOTS OF LOVE,and forgiving....pray mom,pray...

1 mom found this helpful

Just trust her. I grew up with parents who wouldn't let me date or even hang out with guys until I was 16. I felt like my parents didn't trust me and because of that and many other situations like that I didn't have a good relationship with my parents until later in my life. I also snuck around more because I wasn't allowed to do certain things. So, my advice is to listen to your daughter and be open to options, if you talk to her and let her know your feelings she'll be more willing to open up to you. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Have you tried talking with your husband about what his issues are? Is he projecting his own teenage experiences on her? It is perfectly natural for her to have boyfriends and just boy friends....there is a difference.
The key is your monitoring her interactions which you seem
to be doing well. His negative spin on male/female relationships won't help her and in fact, it will encourage her to keep her relationships to herself.....rather than share them with both of you.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,

I truly understand your dilemma--I have 3 teenagers and am well versed with the "dating" scene. My daughters are 18 and 14 and my son is 16. When my husband first starting discussing when our daughters would "date" we both said it won't be until they're 16. Well, that really didn't happen. When both girls were 13 or so, they were asked out on "group dates" and went to the movies, bowling, skating etc. They were never alone with one boy at a time and since they couldn't drive, my husband and I along with the other parents took them wherever they were going. We were secure in knowing exactly where they were, what they were doing and who they were with. The same holds true for our son. When our oldest turned 16 she was then allowed to go out with a single boy or on a double date. Once again there was a strict curfew and we (my husband and I) needed to know their plans. The young man dating our daughter needed to come in and meet us beforehand and not just honk the horn from the driveway--old fashioned I know, but those are the rules.

Right now, your daughter technically doesn't have a "boyfriend" but rather a friend/classmate who's a boy she may be interested in. Your husband may be more comfortable with your daughter having a special friend rather than a boyfirend. I also see that she's your oldest and your first to venture into the dating world. I understand your caution and concern. Set rules and boundaries and be firm and consitent with them. Don't hesitate to review appropriate and inappropriate physical contact--role play if necessary. I found it the easiest to talk with my kids when we were alone in the car--it was a comfortable environment, they didn't have to maintain eye contact and there was no way they could walk away :)

Get to know your daughter's group of friends, boys and girls. Host a gathering at your house: pizza and movies, boardgames, sports etc. Don't hover but be casually available. You'll be able to meet the other parents as well and will be more comfortable knowing who your daughter is socializing with. Be prepared to say no and to also be available for the inevitable tears when "Johnny" breaks her heart.

I got each of my daughters a small ceramic toad to remind them of the boys who broke their hearts--you know, you need to kiss a lot of toads before meeting your handsome prince. I also told them that they're worth waiting for. We sometimes refer to old boyfriends as toads in casual conversation--we don't dwell on it. I also told them that when they do find Mr. Right, they'll appreciate him even more because they've already met Mr. Wrong.

Look at this as an opportunity to build trust with your daughter and her "special friend". It isn't time to cut the apron strings but ok to loosen them up a bit. It's hard to let them grow up but we have to.

Good luck and keep in touch!!

M. A
Michigan

1 mom found this helpful

Been there done that. My daughter is now 23. I learned the more you pitch a fit the more secretive she will be. Let her know you are aware of her friend, and that she can come to talk to you. Invite him to the house for pizza and a movie. Get to know him, that way you can let him know where you stand with your rules. Not to be forward with the "rules" but get them in there during conversation. We moms have a way of getting our point across. I tell you the more you force your point the more she will pull away, that's when they hide things. In the long run the kids DO come back and admit the appreciated the rules. My kids now 25,23 and 20. The age 18 is an amazing year for parents. That's when the kids admit we know what we are talking about. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

ok, i am new at this mamasource but your story just hit home. I am only 30 years old, but a mom of a 12 year old son, and 5 year old daughter. My dad was the same way, and the more he hounded me about having a boyfriend, the better I hid them. Then I had to start lying or having them meet me at these so called "group" outings. Unfortunately my parents just didn't discuss these things, and I spent my senior year pregnant by a guy I had been dating for a year and half and they never knew it. Be open with her, you don't want her to be scared to tell you what's going on in her life! I agree not letting her go on dates until she is a bit older BUT don't make her scared to tell you things! She sounds like a smart girl, give her a little trust, but be open with her on what can happen.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a 13 year old boy who has had a couple 'girlfriends' recently. He gets straight A's and is involved in lots of sports. It used to concern me. But it's pretty innocent. "Going out" pretty much means talking to eachother on the phone and IM, and at school. Occasionally a large group of kids go to the movies. These girls are also high achievers in school, etc., so they are not the 'wrong kind' of kids. I would suggest you try to monitor her IMs, etc. just to give you that comfort level you need -- I do all the time :-) In my case, it appears to be very innocent. It also teaches them about relationships, both with their boyfriends and girlfriends.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J., I am a mother of 4 grown children and remember this same with my children. I still believe a 13 yr old is too young for a steady boyfriend and would be very happy if she is content w/group activities right now. The steady boyfriend will be soon enought and of course Mom and Dad arent ever ready to let thier little girls grow up and get to know the world (ya know what I mean). Just keep and open communication and trust with your children.... lb

Hi J., I am a mother of 4 with my 2nd child being a 14 yr old girl. We have always told her that if she likes a boy and the boy likes her, that she can simply say "we like each other". What, honestly, is the point in having a boyfriend at this age? We all know what is on the mind of every teenage boy whether he acts on it or not!! When talking with my daughter about it, my husband made this very clear to her since he was one! (lol) There are too many other important things going on in life than to worry herself about being in a "relationship" in my opinion. I DID have boyfriends when I was her age and because of it, I quit softball, volleyball and cheerleading because I wanted to spend more time with him.
Decisions I ended up regretting. I hope this helps a little.

Hi
I totally understand your problem. I have 7 children, and my oldest is a 13 year old boy. He has girlfriends all the time. My girls are the youngest, and my husband is already "bullistic" about them with my teenager we have decided the only time he can go on co-ed group outings if there is a parent present. Even though there is a group of kids, they still think of it as a "date". He is not to happy with it, but our consistenty with him has really shown him that dating and being a lone with a girl is not going to happen yet. It is not the right time. I hope this helps!

i. too. have a husband that goes ballistic when things would happen with the kids. i have tried to tell him that this kind of behavior makes whatever the issue is even bigger and worse. that kind of response to a child's actions causes shame and rebellion either now or later on down the road depending on the personality of the child. we have had lots of tension and strife in our home as a result of his attitude. i always felt he was the one who first had to be addressed and then we could effectively deal with the child. our children are grown now, for the most part, but the effects of his dealings with them are still there. trust your perception of your daughter and let her know you believe she is accepted.

You're right. She's too young for a boyfriend. But going out with a group of kids is fine as long as you know all of them and she has a curfew and you're absolutely certain you know what's going on. This is not the time to have "a boyfriend" she needs experience just having friends.

Hi J.,
Your husband has a right to be concerned. As a teacher, and a parent of a 23 year old girl and a 20 year old boy, I can tell you that girls are growing up way too fast. I see 13 year old girls pregnant way too frequently. Your daughter sounds like a great person who is dedicated to her studies and her other activities. I made a point of inviting my daughters "boyfriends" to family meals and events where they could be together and be supervised. My husband also took my daughter on a "date" when she was 15 to show her and talk to her about the appropriate way she should be treated by guys. She was not allowed to date until she was 16 as well, and while she resisted the idea, we stood firm, and never regreated it. Big groups are a great way to allow her the social time she needs. I also made contact with the parents of other children about the events my kids went to as a way to communicate to my children that I know what is going on. Good Luck and it sounds like you are on the right track.

It sounds like the common thread here is communication. Talking with your kids is KEY to them surviving the teenage years, when so much with them is changing. Our children are still young, but I remember being that age. When I was 14, my dad allowed me to go out with a boy who was 16, but the rule was that we could NEVER be alone. He only let me see this boy b/c he knew the boys parents. We never hung out at my house, but we would at his house. Most of the time his parents were there, but sometimes they weren't. We even found ourselves alone in his room. Fortunately for me, I was a very level headed kid with my own morals and values (my parents didn't talk about that much), and never allowed anything to happen. My mom was a teenage mother and I didn't want that to be me. Plus, I had too many other things that I was involved in. Boys just took up way too much time. Needless to say, this boy and I only "dated" for about a month and life moved on. My husband now sees how the kids behave and how the girls dress and he's a little afraid for our daughter (she's 4). Sex is all around us, so we as parents have to be vigilant and talk WITH our kids so that a common trust is built so that they are comfortable talking with us. The more ballistic your husband gets, the more he's going to push her away. B/c of that, she may end up looking for love in all the wrong places b/c she's not getting what she needs from her daddy. You may want to explain this to your husband. Good luck

It sounds like she is very responsable and mature for her age. I met my husband now at the age of 13 and we have been together for 32 years. I am not saying this will occur but I think considering that she is building her own identity right now, let her make choices on her own (to a limit of course). Dating should wait to a later time in life as well. Provide her with reading material about teenager relationships and life adjustments, such as a monthly teen magazine subscription. This may give her added insight to what "boys say and what boys want" from other teenagers in many different situations. This will help her to "know" how to deal with occuring issues and make good decisions, advice as a parent we are exempt from. You may ask to view the magazine after she has read it, to create a interest, rather then trust issue.
Give her a chance to make good decisions that you have taught her throughout the years. It will allow a better daughter-parent relationship in the comming years (16-18 watchout and another story lol) As long as you give her some space to mature further, the relationship you have now will help later on when they adjust more to becoming an adult. 13 is a tough first stage into adulthood as it is, not allowing some space to grow creates closed controls for parents later on. Good luck!

I know it's common for kids of that age to 'go out' w/ someone (or whatever they call it nowadays) and while I sympathize with your husband (mine gets upset at the mere thought as well, after all he remembers what HIS goals were at that age!) as long as you both agree to set some strong boundaries things shouldn't get too far out of hand. That is of course a simplified answer, but so much really depends on how you've raised her thus far (in terms of values/expectations/consequence's ect..). Hope that helps..